Page 3 | Have I been a bit silly? Buying a house when not married/engaged

icannotbebothered · 2022-02-08T10:37:59+00:00

Hey all.. so I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 33, we have been together for 5.5 years. We moved in together when we had been together for 3 years and we are currently in the process of buying a flat together and have put in roughly equal amounts for the deposit etc. I don't want to give loads and loads of background info because my question isn't whether or not he wants to marry me.. tbh my question isn't really to do with him, i'm just wondering if I've been silly starting the process of buying somewhere with someone who hasn't proposed or who hasn't given any inclination that he wants to get married, beyond just saying he does? (As in, actions speak louder than words) Mumsnet talks a lot about women having children with men they aren't married to and how marriage is a legal protection etc etc, can similar be said for buying property??

Antsgomarching · 08/02/2022 20:12

I think most men propose because they want to. DH proposed quite quickly because he probably figured I’d do (I of course think I’m an extraordinary catch) I think its much rarer for men to keep saying that they want to but time isn’t right etc and then do it after ten years etc. i think if he hasn’t done it after 5 years then the chances of getting around to it are probably not high.

I’m not saying that to be unkind, and it’s definitely not you, theres a reason his friends are joking about it and they are not mocking you btw. They know him. If marriage is very important to you this may not be the bloke for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2022 20:13

I had an ex who used to say the same thing and then when we broke up he admitted he never wanted to get married

If you're 27 and been with your current partner 6 years, your ex must have been a baby. Of course you don't have a clear idea in your teens!

At 27 and 33, you have a clearer idea.

MistOverTheDowns · 08/02/2022 20:30

Are you buying the house because you think a taste of domesticity will lead to him wanting to get married?

It won't because he would have done so by now if he was going to. Men want to marry when they're in love and they hang back when they don't. That's a truth universally acknowledged although of course there will be exceptions that prove the rule.

However, the house purchase does mean that you will both have money if you split up so there's that and that is something real and beneficial to you..

Don't have a baby because it is you who will be left holding it, while he goes off to have a new life with someone he does want to marry.

T00Ts · 08/02/2022 21:47

@MistOverTheDowns

Are you buying the house because you think a taste of domesticity will lead to him wanting to get married?

It won't because he would have done so by now if he was going to. Men want to marry when they're in love and they hang back when they don't. That's a truth universally acknowledged although of course there will be exceptions that prove the rule.

However, the house purchase does mean that you will both have money if you split up so there's that and that is something real and beneficial to you..

Don't have a baby because it is you who will be left holding it, while he goes off to have a new life with someone he does want to marry.

Ouch.

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2022 22:12

6 years is a long time for uncertainty.

There’s nothing wrong with buying before marriage etc but you need a proper conversation and plan.

Is he generally trustworthy? Does he follow through?

We’d been together 6 years before we got married and bought our flat 2 years before that but we always had a timeline.

I was very clear no children before marriage so when we discussed when to have them and agreed, we were engaged a few months later.

We were always on the same page which is the important thing I think

Graphista · 09/02/2022 10:53

I've said before on similar threads and in general I stand by it. If a man is interested in marrying, making a relationship permanent and properly committed then they usually do so by around 3 years max.

Occasionally it's longer with particular personal reasons at play, but yea generally speaking if they're not proposing or at least initiating the discussion in that time period then...they're not that into you

That his friends who likely know him well? Think he's unlikely to marry any time soon if at all then they're probably right

Time for a brutally honest conversation

Like you I had potential fertility issues to consider and when I met my ex I was very clear I too wanted 1st child by 30 at latest. I didn't have a dx at that point but I'd already had one mc and I knew there was something wrong due to how my periods were and other symptoms from the start of menstruation. I later got a dx of endo.

You don't have time to mess about/be strung along and being married before dc is usually best for most women, especially if personal and financial circumstances mean your likely to go part time or be a sahm.

He's not so young that it makes sense to be commitment shy indeed he's at an age when most functional adults do settle down or start to think about it at least.

Ex and I were much younger but it didn't seem to us at the time as our friends and relatives were or had all married/had dc around the same age or even younger.

We're also of an older generation where couples did marry and have dc a bit younger I'm 49 he's early 50's so probably closer in age to your parents

But that also means we have life experience you don't as yet.

As I said, ime if no definite plans around the 3 year mark they're usually not interested. Yes I've known couples get married and have dc way after that point but I've not known it work out long term when that's the case.

Arguably ex and I didn't work out either but I don't think that was due to getting married 3 years ish into relationship. I think we were just too young generally (I was 22 when I married)

The couples I know who married over age 25 approx 3 years into the relationship are still together 20/30+ years later.

The reason I think is because they were on the same page from the start.

Graphista · 09/02/2022 10:58

@T00Ts that comment may be "ouch" but it's sadly often accurate

There seems to be a "thing" men of the generation below mine do now...

Have a "starter" long term relationship that they never fully commit to but where they string the woman along, wasting her fertile years by also refusing to have dc, eventually the relationship falters because they're not really making the effort..

Then within a year/18 months they meet marry and impregnate a new woman! Leaving their ex hurt and childless against their wishes!

It's despicable but all too common at the moment we've even seen celebrity men doing this. It's an awful way to treat someone

Lavender24 · 09/02/2022 11:07

I bought a house with my now DH when I was seven months pregnant. We weren't married and hadn't even been together a year. I didn't consider it an issue. I was lucky anyway as it worked out well for us - now married and been together nearly five years.

Rosebuud · 09/02/2022 12:58

Anyway, yeah maybe I need to think a-bit more how much of a deal breaker it would actually be if we were to never get married, I wish it wasn't a deal breaker, but it is

This is quite contradictory op, a deal breaker is exactly that. It breaks the deal, there is no shades of grey, it’s like being pregnant, you are or you are not. Your comment seems to indicate it’s important to you but it’s not a deal breaker, you will proceed anyway?

IsabelHerna · 09/02/2022 14:07

I don't know the legal details, but try to get a legal consultation about what you could lose/gain in either situation. I know it's hard, but you should be informed by a professional about these issues. I know in some situations buying a property while married offers some big tax reductions etc.

I dont think there should be any problems or complications until children are involed.

Marmm · 09/02/2022 14:09

Buy as tenants in common

Original poster

icannotbebothered · 09/02/2022 16:20

@MrsTerryPratchett

I had an ex who used to say the same thing and then when we broke up he admitted he never wanted to get married

If you're 27 and been with your current partner 6 years, your ex must have been a baby. Of course you don't have a clear idea in your teens!

At 27 and 33, you have a clearer idea.

I was with my ex from age 18 to 21 and he was 22 to 25 (I wasn't talking about marriage when I was 18, but it's something I have always wanted and when I was around 20 I said it's what I wanted in the future and asked him the same)

OP posts:

Original poster

icannotbebothered · 09/02/2022 16:21

@MistOverTheDowns

Are you buying the house because you think a taste of domesticity will lead to him wanting to get married?

It won't because he would have done so by now if he was going to. Men want to marry when they're in love and they hang back when they don't. That's a truth universally acknowledged although of course there will be exceptions that prove the rule.

However, the house purchase does mean that you will both have money if you split up so there's that and that is something real and beneficial to you..

Don't have a baby because it is you who will be left holding it, while he goes off to have a new life with someone he does want to marry.

Why would buying a house with him give him a better taste of domesticity than us just living together? Also, he does more housework than me so, no

OP posts:

waitingforsun · 09/02/2022 16:25

Just make sure you are tenants in common and not joint tenants. This will mean you each own and equal (or otherwise agreed) share of the property.

Suprima · 09/02/2022 16:51

@icannotbebothered

I think poster was referring to your relationship taking the next step, a more domestic solid arrangement of home ownership together.

However, it doesn’t. It’s helpful to you as well of course, but you’re literally helping each other get on the housing ladder. Splitting a mortgage which is cheaper than rent.

My ex who also ‘wasn’t sure about marriage’- granted, we were younger and I didn’t really want that with him either come the end, 100% used me and my salary to become a homeowner. He had no intention of us selling up, and then buying our family home and then getting married and having a shared life- just saw my then £35k salary as a way to boost his and my deposit half as a way to help him out.

The relationship went downhill from there because he got lazy as he had got all he wanted from the situation. Cheap mortgage, out too the renting matrix, comfortable enough relationship- even if I wasn’t the ‘one’.

I don’t see any legal problem with you buying a house with your boyfriend- but as it’s an open joke he’s not the marrying type and it’s been 5 years and he doesn’t want to marry you- I would be really wary about getting your heart broken if you truly believe that marriage will be the next step.

It’s completely ok to want a lovely proposal
It’s completely ok to want a man to say that you are his wife
It’s completely ok to want a princess wedding, or an elopement, or a destination wedding in Ireland- whatever…
What you want is valid. Don’t ever think you need to settle because he isn’t sure.

Suprima · 09/02/2022 16:52

*out of the renting matrix, I should say

Original poster

icannotbebothered · 09/02/2022 16:58

[quote Suprima]@icannotbebothered

I think poster was referring to your relationship taking the next step, a more domestic solid arrangement of home ownership together.

However, it doesn’t. It’s helpful to you as well of course, but you’re literally helping each other get on the housing ladder. Splitting a mortgage which is cheaper than rent.

My ex who also ‘wasn’t sure about marriage’- granted, we were younger and I didn’t really want that with him either come the end, 100% used me and my salary to become a homeowner. He had no intention of us selling up, and then buying our family home and then getting married and having a shared life- just saw my then £35k salary as a way to boost his and my deposit half as a way to help him out.

The relationship went downhill from there because he got lazy as he had got all he wanted from the situation. Cheap mortgage, out too the renting matrix, comfortable enough relationship- even if I wasn’t the ‘one’.

I don’t see any legal problem with you buying a house with your boyfriend- but as it’s an open joke he’s not the marrying type and it’s been 5 years and he doesn’t want to marry you- I would be really wary about getting your heart broken if you truly believe that marriage will be the next step.

It’s completely ok to want a lovely proposal
It’s completely ok to want a man to say that you are his wife
It’s completely ok to want a princess wedding, or an elopement, or a destination wedding in Ireland- whatever…
What you want is valid. Don’t ever think you need to settle because he isn’t sure.[/quote]
Thanks for the kind words at the end :) you're right! Also the bet his friends have isn't because he's not the marrying type, I think it's more that he goes at his own pace and doesn't feel the need to do things by a certain time or reach any milestones, annoyingly.

OP posts:

Suprima · 09/02/2022 17:10

@icannotbebothered

You’re welcome- your deserve the world.

He doesn’t get to set the pace though. It wouldn’t be my tact, as I believe he has made what he wants very clear- he is not sure and 5 years no ring…however, you need to be ready to have a chat with him if you want to get married, particularly if you want children soon (I definitely wouldn’t do that without being married)

This isn’t an ultimatum. It’s not saying to him ‘we need to be married by 2024!’ - no one ever had a nice marriage like that, but you honestly do need to be prepared to walk. I would personally do this before the house purchase unless you have weighed up the pros and cons and see it very much as ‘home ownership’ rather than ‘shared life’ together’. It will be of benefit to you financially, as long as you can see it as that and not romanticise it.

A simple “it’s been 5 years and it’s been great, but the relationship isn’t going where I would like…”

When he asks what you mean- you don’t need to mention him, as in “I want us to get married”, you say “I want to get married and. I need to find someone who wants that”. Make this about you, and what you want from your life.

Telling men that you are thinking of leaving them because you want to marry them and they haven’t proposed gives away all your cards- they don’t propose because you have told them that you love them, you want to marry them, you want babies with them. You’ve essentially proposed. They know you aren’t going anywhere.

So have a conversation about what you want from your life. Take him out of the equation. He doesn’t get to choose for you. You are 27 and if you want a man who is giddily in love, and chooses you a beautiful ring and tells the world he wants you for his wife- you will find that!

If you can see yourself in another 5 years upset about engagements happening all around you, and him dragging his feet- I would not let him waste a moment more of your time.

Your deserve the world!

DockOTheBay · 09/02/2022 17:12

It is different as its not a life long commitment. You can sell the house and split the proceeds. With a baby you are stuck with that person forever. With giving up your job you are stuck with the consequences e.g. reduced earning potential too.

firstimemamma · 09/02/2022 17:40

We bought our first home before married or engaged but we'd discussed marriage briefly first. He proposed after about 6 months of us living in the house and everything worked out great. If you love and trust your partner and have discussed marriage - you may want to bring it up - then I think it's fine.

crosstalk · 09/02/2022 17:44

As other PPs have said. Nothing wrong with buying a house together even if you will never marry him or split up. Just make sure you have proper legal advice and wills in place. If either you or he (God forbid) were run over, where would you want your money to go? and under what terms? If you were to split up, how would the deposit money, money spent on improvements, and increase in value be divided? It's hard thinking ahead about things no one wants to consider, but it's much harder unpicking it after the fact.

Fairylightsongs · 09/02/2022 17:58

*Thanks for the kind words at the end smile you're right! Also the bet his friends have isn't because he's not the marrying type.

I mean this gently but are you sure? Dudes thirty, it’s been six years, and he’s not even proposed yet. This doesn’t sound like the marrying type. First comes the house, then babies, there is never enough money for the wedding, and before you know it the kids have grown up. Another decade has passed and you’re still his girlfriend and unmarried.

Are you maybe trying to convince yourself? Have you taken the conversation with him since you started this thread?

I think you need to think if you were never to marry would you be ok with it? As that maybe where you’re heading. Hopefully not, hopefully you both have that conversation tonight and it’s sorted.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 09/02/2022 18:06

-He hasn't wanted to marry you during the last 6 years... has anything changed?

-You want to have children (and be married) in the next 3 years.
-He has no such timetable and does not seem responsive to your feelings on this subject.

Buying a house is great in some ways but perhaps you need the next 3 years free of financial ties to him so that you can find someone who does want to marry and have children with you.

You are not asking for the earth and do deserve the things you want.

billy1966 · 09/02/2022 18:20

Some great advice above.

Based on what you have written, I would not becoming financially with someone so hesitant.

Why bother?

His friends having a laugh is telling.

You deserve so much better than this.

He could string you along whilst building equity that he will use in his next relationship.

At 33 he knows if you are the one.

Actions rather than words.

I would hold on OP.

His hesitation after so long does not bode well.

You deserve someone dying to be with you.

mobear · 09/02/2022 18:23

Do you want to get married? If you do and he doesn’t you might be selling up soon.