Who is being U? Me or DH?

[TryingSoHard2]

There is a huge backstory here so I won’t get into it, if that’s okay.

Tonight’s situation is that DD(5) has had some trouble cleaning properly after the toilet today. She is normally great. DH said to hand wash the pants in the sink before washing. I have a very mild OCD and will struggle to feel the sink had been cleaned properly if I do this. No amount of bleach will make me feel able to brush my teeth/wash my face at that sink again. I’ve suggested I just put them on a prewash cycle in the machine. It’s just marks on them, nothing more. DH has said he is categorically not okay with them going in the machine so I’ll need to bin them. I don’t want to bin them because it’s just wasteful. DH is now mad at me because apparently the compromise is binning them and I don’t want to.

I know this seems like the worlds most stupid disagreement but it’s literally like this daily and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the problem!

So who is BU?

YABU - they need hand washed in a sink first
YANBU - a prewash in the machine would be fine

Why not just run them under the tap in the bath or use the shower head? No way I'd chuck them straight into the washing machine.

@TheHoleNineYards

YABBU (you are both being unreasonable) Bin them.

This

Sometimes I would flush a pant and waggle it about in a toilet bowl - then once the 'offences' were off the pants - bung them in the wash,

Dh has ocd and i say from experience it can be suffocating to just be dealing with everyday tasks and to have someone in your ear saying you can't do this/that or you have to do it this/that way. If you had just let him carry on with his task this would not even be a discussion.
I did therapy with my dh to address the issues we were facing due to his ocd. One of the things we agreed was that if I was busy doing something and he felt the urge to intervene then he would make an effort to let it pass. If I found him intervening anyway and I found it intrusive, I would give a signal for him to back off by saying "this is my business/this is my decision."
This is important because the person with ocd does not get to choose all the time and their illness does not get to dominate. There has to be boundaries. Otherwise it will just continue and continue, controlling everything in its path.
In this case, this was your dhs task. So if he chose to wash the pants in the sink, being the one helping dd to get changed, then that's his task in that moment. If he had turned around and said "this is my decision" then as much as you hate that you need to let him get on with it and control your own feelings, not the situation.

And maybe your dh is pushing back against the washing machine just so he has some sort of resistance. Just so that it isn't your way or the highway. Because he just wants to have a say on something as small as cleaning a dirty pair of underpants and sink or washing machine why is one better than the other and he'd rather see the pants in the trash than give in this time.

But maybe I'm projecting a bit too much there...

Surely you just wash skidmarked pants on a hot wash with towels and bedding?

What do you do with pants or sheets with blood, urine or semen stains on?

I'm actually with the OP that it's not great to wash shitty pants in a sink that is also used for teeth brushing etc. Surely much better just to remove any offending solids and put the pants straight in the wash?

Alternatively, could you not rinse in a bucket with napisan?

Thanks for all the replies. I’ve gone with the option of cleaning in a bucket.

I just wanted to clarify that we disagreed on this and DH was annoyed at me. This conversation happened after DD was cleaned up and had gone downstairs. Also, it was a conversation. It wasn’t a shouting match. And DD literally laughed off the accident so absolutely no concerns about her having a complex.

I feel as though, if there is something that I have a reason to want to do differently from how DH suggests, he instantly has a reason to not be able to do it the way I suggest. It just feels like constant tit for tat and I don’t know why it’s become that way.

Like I said, there are other things going on in the picture but I just feel like I’m losing the plot sometimes with these ridiculous issues that keep on arising. I’m really appreciative of the replies and helpful comments. Thanks all.

Bin

Kitchen sink is unreasonable, but bathroom less so (as long as bleached after). We put reusable nappies and wipes in the washing machine with no issues. You can get a dettol rinse for the washing machine that I would use in your circumstances. Our nursery used to rinse pants by holding them in the toilet whilst flushing (wearing gloves obviously).

But surely you will dispose of the water anyway from the bucket? Down the loo or the sink. I would have just put them in the wash and not said anything. But ti be fair we wouldn't of had a discussion about it either

Soaking them in a bucket is a really good idea. Then scrub them in the bucket and put in wash.

I wouldn’t put them in the washing machine like that either I’m afraid.

You both have aversion, neither is more important than the other.

I always used the toilet flush. I figured it was clean water coming out and that's where you want poo to go anyway. 😅

You and your DH are so similar 🤣 clearly they do not go in the sink or the washer. Soak them in a bucket with napisan in it first then do the orewash and wash cycle. Or (my preference) in the bin.