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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drunk text my ex, have I shown myself up?

91 replies

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:00

I've known 'Sam' since we were kids, we dated throughout our teens followed by a brief engagement but we just weren't compatible so called it a day but remained firm friends. I came to view him as a friend far more than an ex.

Some years later I met my now DH and we started a family. Sam remained a firm friend throughout and DH liked him too. He had no issue with us being friends despite the history.

Then Sam met his (now) wife and the longer they were together the less we spoke and he seemed to want to avoid meet ups with friends if I were going to be there at all. There had been no falling out or crossed words.

Then out of the blue one day I noticed he had deleted me as a friend. Confused I sent a message asking if I'd done something to offend him. He read it and didn't respond.

I could only assume he decided to cut ties out of respect for his wife which I thought was fair enough as not everybody is comfortable with their partners remaining friends with exes, although we had known one another for decades and it felt a bit shit to be losing a friend for seemingly no reason.

I later heard through a mutual friend that his father had recently passed away. I wanted to send my condolences but decided against it as I didn't feel any contact from me would be welcome given the deletion and subsequently blanking me.

So last night I got drunk for the first time in almost 2 years (me and DH have had another baby) and dick head here decided it would be a good idea to message him after all, encouraged by an equally pissed mutual friend who was of the opinion that he would appreciate the support

I wrote:

Hi Sam. I heard about your father and wanted to send you my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you're coping ok. No response is nessecary.

I'm fucking cringing today and think I should have left it well alone because I look like a pest contacting somebody who clearly wants nothing more to do with me.

He hasn't opened the message but I'm sure he's seen it. God only knows what he thinks of me now, messaging him again after he blanked me months ago.

So do I look as much of an idiot as I feel?

OP posts:

FerretFumbler · 07/02/2022 17:05

A bit.
But just let it go and forget about it.

Why do you still want to have contact with someone who has ghosted you?

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:06

@FerretFumbler

A bit. But just let it go and forget about it.

Why do you still want to have contact with someone who has ghosted you?

I didn't really, I left it alone and chalked it up to just being one of those things. I wouldn't have reached out sober, no way.

What a twat.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 17:07

Well, he’s your ex, and he didn’t want to retain a friendship before you sent the message so you’ve lost precisely nothing in sending it. On the surface it’s a nice enough thing to do, and I’m sure what many of us would do if we heard an ex’s parent had died.

Are you sure you’re over this man, though, despite your DH? Getting drunk and sending messages asking why he’s deleted you from social media, caring so deeply about what he thinks and whether you look like an idiot?

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:15

@ComtesseDeSpair

I am completely over him yes, like I say we were platonic friends for years after splitting up.

I thought sending my condolences was the right thing to do in my silly pissed up state. He came up in conversation initiated by our mutual friend so it's not as if i decided to do it out of the blue iykwim.

I'm one of those people who cares too much about what others think so I feel incredibly embarrassed for making myself look like a pest.

OP posts:

Goldenegg90 · 07/02/2022 17:19

You've lost nothing. I wouldn't worry.

Stressedout1009 · 07/02/2022 17:19

I don't think there was anything inappropriate in your message so nothing to feel embarrassed about. You offered condolences, not hit on him. I think you wanting to get some response for him is more to do with not getting any closure over the lost friendship?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/02/2022 17:21

I think it's ok. You probably knew his dad quite well if you were together a while and saying he doesn't need to reply makes it look like you're genuinely just sending your condolences.

Let us know if he replies telling you you're a dick though 😁

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:24

@Stressedout1009

I wasn't too bothered about receiving a response and didn't want him to feel obliged to send one hence the "no response nessecary"

I just wanted to express my condolences and let him know I cared about his dad's passing as I'd known him a long time and was saddened about the news.

Some closure about why he decided to end the friendship would have been nice last year though, granted. It did feel a bit shitty to be ghosted by somebody who I felt was a good friend. Me and DH went out of our way to help him with something a few months prior, at great inconvenience to us at the time, so it was a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:

Midlifemusings · 07/02/2022 17:24

You are fine. You expressed condolences for a significant event in an appropriate way. He doesn't need to respond.

If you did it to try and get him to engage with you - that was for the wrong reasons. If you sent it just to say condolences in your time of loss - with no expectation of a response - then fine.

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:25

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

I think it's ok. You probably knew his dad quite well if you were together a while and saying he doesn't need to reply makes it look like you're genuinely just sending your condolences.

Let us know if he replies telling you you're a dick though 😁

Ha I will do indeed although I'm not anticipating a response

OP posts:

LolaButt · 07/02/2022 17:28

Oh gosh. It reads like you’re using his dead father as an in

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:30

@LolaButt

Oh gosh. It reads like you’re using his dead father as an in

I'm mortified that it could look that way. That's the last thing I would ever do

OP posts:

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 07/02/2022 17:39

I wish my drunk texts were as innocuous as that.

I think it was fine. You acknowledged that he has distanced himself from you but also sent your condolences for a big event in his life.

HappyToSmile · 07/02/2022 17:40

It sounds to me like something someone decent would do. You have nothing to worry about.

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:40

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

I wish my drunk texts were as innocuous as that.

I think it was fine. You acknowledged that he has distanced himself from you but also sent your condolences for a big event in his life.

Care to share any to make me feel less of a twat?

Thank you. Hopefully it's received in the way it was intended.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:40

@HappyToSmile

It sounds to me like something someone decent would do. You have nothing to worry about.

Thank you I appreciate that

OP posts:

BurntO · 07/02/2022 17:41

I was going to automatically say yes, you’ve shown yourself up but having read that I honestly think you’re fine. He’s the one being odd but I wouldn’t reach out again.

Useranon1 · 07/02/2022 17:41

It does not read that way at all. It's a really lovely and balanced text, which considering you were drunk is impressive!

There is little worse than being ghosted, it's an awful feeling.

rahjama · 07/02/2022 17:42

@LolaButt

Oh gosh. It reads like you’re using his dead father as an in

That's what I thought

Leave him alone!

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:45

Thank you ladies, I'm starting to feel a bit better about it.

I don't know his wife that well so I don't know what she'd think of the message or my intentions. She may have insisted he doesn't speak with me any more for all I know and that seems the most likely scenario. I was also worried I may have caused an argument between them at a time when that would be the last thing he needs.

OP posts:

Marmm · 07/02/2022 17:46

Sounds like you're using his dad as an excuse to get in touch. I mean you're not connected on social media now for a reason. The no response necessary is also weird. Like you think he'll be looking at it going omg do I respond? He has enough on his plate

YellowMoonbeam · 07/02/2022 17:46

I was expecting so much worse. I genuinely think that's ok, you knew his dad so you're just really sending condolences.

I don't think it seems like you're using his dad's death as an in at all.

Original poster

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:46

That's what I thought. Leave him alone!

Obviously I intend to

If it wasn't immediately obvious I fucking regret sending the message in the first place.

OP posts:

Marmm · 07/02/2022 17:47

I was also worried I may have caused an argument between them at a time when that would be the last thing he needs. no he's probably just sighed that you still won't leave him alone and deleted it if he can

embod · 07/02/2022 17:47

I don’t think you’ve done anything to be embarrassed about. I sent a message to an ex after his father passed away. I think it’s the decent thing to do.

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