Drunk text my ex, have I shown myself up?

[Fuckingembarrassment]

I've known 'Sam' since we were kids, we dated throughout our teens followed by a brief engagement but we just weren't compatible so called it a day but remained firm friends. I came to view him as a friend far more than an ex.

Some years later I met my now DH and we started a family. Sam remained a firm friend throughout and DH liked him too. He had no issue with us being friends despite the history.

Then Sam met his (now) wife and the longer they were together the less we spoke and he seemed to want to avoid meet ups with friends if I were going to be there at all. There had been no falling out or crossed words.

Then out of the blue one day I noticed he had deleted me as a friend. Confused I sent a message asking if I'd done something to offend him. He read it and didn't respond.

I could only assume he decided to cut ties out of respect for his wife which I thought was fair enough as not everybody is comfortable with their partners remaining friends with exes, although we had known one another for decades and it felt a bit shit to be losing a friend for seemingly no reason.

I later heard through a mutual friend that his father had recently passed away. I wanted to send my condolences but decided against it as I didn't feel any contact from me would be welcome given the deletion and subsequently blanking me.

So last night I got drunk for the first time in almost 2 years (me and DH have had another baby) and dick head here decided it would be a good idea to message him after all, encouraged by an equally pissed mutual friend who was of the opinion that he would appreciate the support

I wrote:

Hi Sam. I heard about your father and wanted to send you my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you're coping ok. No response is nessecary.

I'm fucking cringing today and think I should have left it well alone because I look like a pest contacting somebody who clearly wants nothing more to do with me.

He hasn't opened the message but I'm sure he's seen it. God only knows what he thinks of me now, messaging him again after he blanked me months ago.

So do I look as much of an idiot as I feel?

I have a friend just like this, similar history and now been platonic friends for 25 years. I am happily married now with two kids but would be very hurt if my 'ex' dropped me with no explanation! Not because I still hold a torch for him but because I love him and we've shared a lot of our lives in one way or another.

I think your message was a lovely gesture and totally appropriate given the circumstances.

I actually think it was a lovely message. Put it out of your head and don't worry.

@Fuckingembarrassment

Yeah I won't be drinking again anytime soon, I can't handle the hangover that comes with it

Yes it's not even what you've done it is what you think you've done and I couldn't handle the week of stress and worry involved . Don't worry though.

The only thing wrong with what you've done is put "No response is necessary" at the end. It's so passive-aggressive and arrogant. It comes across like you are so important that you can text him AND get to dictate that he shouldn't text back.

It was a nice gesture that he knows you are thinking of him, despite the fact you are no longer friends, but you blew it with the final sentence, so insincere.

You clearly do resent his wife and blame it on her. It's also clear that you (and the other poster with the similar story) quite enjoyed having a man around who you know finds you attractive. It's an ego boost. Nothing to do with whether or not you want to sleep with him - obviously you don't. Being realistic, we've all seen this dynamic play out a thousand times. And your resentment of him for moving on is very telling.

Woah hang on a minute, I have no resentment towards his wife or the fact he's moving on with his life.

This also has nothing to do with me wanting him to find me attractive or me wanting an ego boost

We were friends.

The only thing wrong with what you've done is put "No response is necessary" at the end. It's so passive-aggressive and arrogant. It comes across like you are so important that you can text him AND get to dictate that he shouldn't text back.

Ah i can see where you're coming from. Shit. It wasn't intended that way but it's possible it could be interpreted as such.

@Hoolihan

I have a friend just like this, similar history and now been platonic friends for 25 years. I am happily married now with two kids but would be very hurt if my 'ex' dropped me with no explanation! Not because I still hold a torch for him but because I love him and we've shared a lot of our lives in one way or another.

I think your message was a lovely gesture and totally appropriate given the circumstances.

Thank you, I'm glad some of you can see where I'm coming from and that Its nothing to do with seeing him romantically.

I would be gutted if any of my female friends ghosted me too, especially ones I've known for so many years.

I think it's a positively positive thing that you messaged to sympathise.

I had a similar experience, and it really does hurt. My ex and I split up after dating for a few years and a brief engagement. Absolutely lovely person but just not for right for me. We worked hard throughout the split and after to be respectful and kind so we could stay friends.

Shortly after we split up, I moved to the UK from Canada (this was planned). He stayed in Canada. Shortly after that, my ex started dating a mutual acquaintance- a woman I never particularly liked, to be fair, but was friendly enough with. She told me immediately, which was odd, and I was openly happy for them.

My ex and I stayed in touch, and by that I mean we exchanged the odd email, about 1-2 a year, give or take. I then got an email from him saying it was "morally wrong" for us to stay friends and to stop contacting him. Huh?

A few years after THAT I heard he had been diagnosed with MS. So, I called him to express my condolences and see how he was doing. By this time I was married and had been living in the UK for, I don't know, 7 or 8 years? SO not a threat.

He was really uncomfortable; she told him to hang up, why was I calling etc? So I said "look, I'll let you go, I just wanted to send my love and healing energy, not cause issues".

Then I got drunk and emailed her a long and mean message- saying we had all once been friends, I had never done anything rude or disrespectful, she knew I wasn't a threat, we hardly ever even spoke, both of us were married now ffs, she knew he was a loyal person and there was never anything untoward happening, I lived halfway across the world, and her (now husband) was sick, and his friends let me know, his friends thought she was selfish and neurotic (to be fair, they did), and she could go fuck herself. Then I sent it.

In so doing I lost the moral high ground but I actually don't regret it. She's a real bitch and has a bad heart!

So your message really isn't that bad!!!

I think it’s absolutely fine. I’m sure he appreciates you reaching out with condolences. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

It was a kind, thoughtful message. Don't worry about it.

I get where you're coming from with the 'no reply needed', it isn't dictatorial, it's coming from a place of acknowledging you've been frozen out, and making clear you're not trying to pull them into a conversation they don't want.

No harm done at all.

The message reads fine to me, thoughtful and the fact that you said no response is necessary makes it clear you are not using it as a conversation opener. You really don't need to worry about it. Anyone who would take offence or read anything into that is the one with the issue not you.

It was a polite and thoughtful message making clear that you understand the situation and that you aren’t trying to reboot the friendship but you are sorry for his loss and thinking of him. It was a nice message to send.

(I’d put money on the issue being that his wife was jealous of him being friends with an ex and demanded he cut ties. He probably didn’t want to but agreed to keep the peace, but blanking you was a lame way to do it.)

You’ve been the bigger person here. Don’t give it another thought.

@11GrumpsaGrumping

I had a similar experience, and it really does hurt. My ex and I split up after dating for a few years and a brief engagement. Absolutely lovely person but just not for right for me. We worked hard throughout the split and after to be respectful and kind so we could stay friends.

Shortly after we split up, I moved to the UK from Canada (this was planned). He stayed in Canada. Shortly after that, my ex started dating a mutual acquaintance- a woman I never particularly liked, to be fair, but was friendly enough with. She told me immediately, which was odd, and I was openly happy for them.

My ex and I stayed in touch, and by that I mean we exchanged the odd email, about 1-2 a year, give or take. I then got an email from him saying it was "morally wrong" for us to stay friends and to stop contacting him. Huh?

A few years after THAT I heard he had been diagnosed with MS. So, I called him to express my condolences and see how he was doing. By this time I was married and had been living in the UK for, I don't know, 7 or 8 years? SO not a threat.

He was really uncomfortable; she told him to hang up, why was I calling etc? So I said "look, I'll let you go, I just wanted to send my love and healing energy, not cause issues".

Then I got drunk and emailed her a long and mean message- saying we had all once been friends, I had never done anything rude or disrespectful, she knew I wasn't a threat, we hardly ever even spoke, both of us were married now ffs, she knew he was a loyal person and there was never anything untoward happening, I lived halfway across the world, and her (now husband) was sick, and his friends let me know, his friends thought she was selfish and neurotic (to be fair, they did), and she could go fuck herself. Then I sent it.

In so doing I lost the moral high ground but I actually don't regret it. She's a real bitch and has a bad heart!

So your message really isn't that bad!!!

Good on you actually, she sounds incredibly rude. I can't believe she demanded he hang up the phone when you just called to see how he was after his diagnosis.

Did she ever reply?

I'm feeling much less cringed out with myself now, whats done is done and the beer fear is gone. Hooray.

I don't think your messaging him was wrong in the slightest. He was in your life for a long time, and the loss of a parent is massive.

Are you sure you're over him? Not necessarily because of that drunk text which was pretty ok in my opinion but just it seems you can't seem to shake him off, people fade out of each other's lives very naturally but it seems you are still quite 'conscious' of him iyswim?

@VladmirsPoutine

Are you sure you're over him? Not necessarily because of that drunk text which was pretty ok in my opinion but just it seems you can't seem to shake him off, people fade out of each other's lives very naturally but it seems you are still quite 'conscious' of him iyswim?

Completely over him in a romantic sense yes. I haven't had any of those feelings for him in a very, very long time. The split was a mutual agreement, no unfinished business.

However I will admit that I'm still a bit hurt about being ghosted as though our decades long friendship was worth so little that he didn't think me deserving of an explanation. Yet not to the extent I'm ruminating about it on a regular basis.

I don't think that's unusual though, DH said himself he has behaved like a jerk and if he'd have known him as long as I did then he'd be pretty hurt too.

I totally understand that people's lives move in different directions and people drift apart but it's not something that happened organically as had been the case with some friends over the years. It was very sudden and without any apparent cause.

It went from things like dinner parties, BBQ's, drinks out with our friends, him popping over for a cuppa when he was in the area and inviting us to do the same, asking for my/our advice on things to then suddenly avoiding me like the plague (and by extension an equally miffed DH)

It coincided with a new girlfriend (now wife) but I didn't make the link straight away.

Twice he pulled out of celebratory drinks (friends birthday and then another friends do) after asking and being told yes I would be there, to then removing me on social media without an utterance as to why.

Blanking me when I asked if I'd done something to offend him as I was genuinely worried I may have done.

It just all felt very bizarre and hurtful, not in-keeping with the relationship we had for a long time.

He went full on NC as though I was some wicked person when just a few months prior we were the best thing since sliced bread when we saved his bacon with something (just like he has helped me out in the past when I've needed a friend)

It's the lack of closure I think. If he had just said look, Jane, you get on my tits these days I no longer want to know you and you're not my vibe anymore then I would have taken that just fine as I wouldn't be wondering wtf I've done