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Original poster

Drunk text my ex, have I shown myself up?

91 replies

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:00

I've known 'Sam' since we were kids, we dated throughout our teens followed by a brief engagement but we just weren't compatible so called it a day but remained firm friends. I came to view him as a friend far more than an ex.

Some years later I met my now DH and we started a family. Sam remained a firm friend throughout and DH liked him too. He had no issue with us being friends despite the history.

Then Sam met his (now) wife and the longer they were together the less we spoke and he seemed to want to avoid meet ups with friends if I were going to be there at all. There had been no falling out or crossed words.

Then out of the blue one day I noticed he had deleted me as a friend. Confused I sent a message asking if I'd done something to offend him. He read it and didn't respond.

I could only assume he decided to cut ties out of respect for his wife which I thought was fair enough as not everybody is comfortable with their partners remaining friends with exes, although we had known one another for decades and it felt a bit shit to be losing a friend for seemingly no reason.

I later heard through a mutual friend that his father had recently passed away. I wanted to send my condolences but decided against it as I didn't feel any contact from me would be welcome given the deletion and subsequently blanking me.

So last night I got drunk for the first time in almost 2 years (me and DH have had another baby) and dick head here decided it would be a good idea to message him after all, encouraged by an equally pissed mutual friend who was of the opinion that he would appreciate the support Hmm

I wrote:

Hi Sam. I heard about your father and wanted to send you my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you're coping ok. No response is nessecary.

I'm fucking cringing today and think I should have left it well alone because I look like a pest contacting somebody who clearly wants nothing more to do with me.

He hasn't opened the message but I'm sure he's seen it. God only knows what he thinks of me now, messaging him again after he blanked me months ago.

So do I look as much of an idiot as I feel?

OP posts:
LadyGagagagaga123 · 07/02/2022 19:16

Ah I have the same condition as you OP it's called Overthinkeritus and it's fucking torture lol. I promise you... this isn't even 1% cringe, it was a nice and normal text. Delete his number now though, not because you have or will embarrass yourself but because he doesn't deserve a friend as lovely as you x

TheVanguardSix · 07/02/2022 19:18

It's a really kind and loving message for an old mate who's going through a terrible time right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And I'm sure he doesn't think negatively of you at all. He may have had to do a 'cleansing' of his friendships due his wife. Who knows? I did the same thing: Got rid of very dear, decent, longtime male friends for my then-husband's sake. I regret it because he ended up betraying me terribly, ruining our marriange, and now, I no longer have those friends to turn to and I miss them.
So, don't beat yourself up. It was a very nice message. Nothing cringy at all. And it will have had meaning and your words will have mattered. But there's not a whole lot more you can do.
You've done a nice thing, OP- booze, 'encouraging' drinking buddy Grin, and all. Flowers

Hollywolly1 · 07/02/2022 19:24

I'd imagine he used to speak fondly of you to the wife and the mad batch got jealous and she made him cut you out,what a weak man

GrumpyTerrier · 07/02/2022 19:55

TBH he is the odd one for just ghosting you randomly. I bet he doesnt feel bad! Nothing wrong with what you said, you know you were doing it from a nice place because you knew his dad and unlike him, you don't just stop caring about your mates.

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 20:06

I am fairly sure his wife is the reason we've been ghosted, though I can't understand why she would see me as a threat to their marriage in any way because she's half my size and twice as attractive.

I also never had him down as somebody who would allow himself to be controlled but I suppose love does funny things to people.

Nowt as queer as folk though, as they say.

OP posts:
spidersenses · 08/02/2022 07:56

I think it's a lovely message and you have nothing to feel bad about. You reached out to someone you have a lot of history with when you heard something sad had happened in their life. There should be more people like you Smile

Fairylightsongs · 08/02/2022 08:03

Honestly, what strikes me is he’s in your head too often. Which indicates to me you’re not over him. It might not be you want to shag him, but you want his attention. I see your message as attention seeking behaviour. On the face of it it seemed a nice kind thing to do, but I suspect it was deeper. And that’s why you’re cringing. You were trying to restart contact, you deep down want him to respond, and you want him to pay you attention.

DropYourSword · 08/02/2022 08:04

Yep, I think you're just experiencing the after booze blues!
Your message really was fine!

Journeynotdestination · 08/02/2022 08:13

You have absolutely nothing to be worried about, if anything he should be embarrassed for ghosting you and your DH! Sounds like you were very kind to him. It’s on him OP, not you. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s definitely the post alcohol ‘fear’ you have!

Aprilx · 08/02/2022 08:26

I only think the “no need to respond” is a bit cringey and of course you should have just left it. But it is done now and it could have been worse.

As an aside, I am surprised you call him an ex, I thought your story was going to go on to say you split your with your husband. Sam seems like somebody you knew when you were kids rather than an ex, think you are still holding a candle for him.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 08/02/2022 08:37

I understand why you messaged him. I have a male friend I've known since we were 4 and are both now in our 40's. When we were young he had a crush on me (openly acknowledged) but I have never been interested in him like that and we were purely platonic. He was looking for love for years and he met a really nice woman that became his wife and he moved abroad and married her. When they first met, she was visiting the U.K. and we would see each other at various weddings and parties. I would always greet him with a hug until one party he told
Me he couldn't speak to me anymore because his girlfriend (before they married) didn't like it because of our history. I accepted it as I had no intentions of coming between his relationship and I am so happy for him. But it also really hurt me.

We remain friends on social Media and I can see his family growing, his babies growing up and I would love nothing more than
To be friends with him and his wife because I care a lot about him. But instead I stick to a single message on his fb page once a year on his birthday. Which he very rarely acknowledges but I know he sees it. Such a waste really as I was never a threat.

I don't think your text was wrong op but I do think you should not expect a reply. You were the price he had to pay.

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 08/02/2022 08:47

I refer to him as my ex so that people have the full picture. It would be disingenuous to say he's only ever been a friend then go on to say I think his wife might have an issue with us being in contact for no good reason.

I'm not the sort of person to hound somebody if it's clear they want no contact hence feeling so embarrassed for sending an unwanted message in the first place, even though what I wrote was harmless and well intended.

The "no response nessecary" was because I wanted him to know I'm not looking to recommence any contact he doesn't wish to have, so no pressure to reply. I just wanted him to know we cared as I knew his dad very well.

I will admit my feelings were hurt when he ghosted me/us because we've known each other most of our lives, have lots of mutual friends and fond memories as such so yes it was upsetting being ghosted like that but not for the reasons some might suspect.

The only time I would ever cut somebody off so bluntly without explanation would be if they'd said or done something unforgivable to me or my family/friends (which is categorically not the case here)

Suffice to say I won't be messaging him again.

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 08/02/2022 08:50

I think it’s a nice message from an old friend, nothing embarrassing about anything you said whatsoever. He probably won’t respond but that’s fine, maybe delete his number now so drunk contacting in future isn’t an option. It’s hard being ghosted but I would guess his wife doesn’t want him to contact you so he’s being respectful of her wishes.

OnlyAFleshWound · 08/02/2022 08:50

@Fairylightsongs

Honestly, what strikes me is he’s in your head too often. Which indicates to me you’re not over him. It might not be you want to shag him, but you want his attention. I see your message as attention seeking behaviour. On the face of it it seemed a nice kind thing to do, but I suspect it was deeper. And that’s why you’re cringing. You were trying to restart contact, you deep down want him to respond, and you want him to pay you attention.
This is exactly right.
Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 08/02/2022 08:51

@snowdropsandcrocuses

I understand why you messaged him. I have a male friend I've known since we were 4 and are both now in our 40's. When we were young he had a crush on me (openly acknowledged) but I have never been interested in him like that and we were purely platonic. He was looking for love for years and he met a really nice woman that became his wife and he moved abroad and married her. When they first met, she was visiting the U.K. and we would see each other at various weddings and parties. I would always greet him with a hug until one party he told Me he couldn't speak to me anymore because his girlfriend (before they married) didn't like it because of our history. I accepted it as I had no intentions of coming between his relationship and I am so happy for him. But it also really hurt me.

We remain friends on social Media and I can see his family growing, his babies growing up and I would love nothing more than
To be friends with him and his wife because I care a lot about him. But instead I stick to a single message on his fb page once a year on his birthday. Which he very rarely acknowledges but I know he sees it. Such a waste really as I was never a threat.

I don't think your text was wrong op but I do think you should not expect a reply. You were the price he had to pay.

Oh that's shit I'm so sorry, such a waste of years of friendship isn't it? I'm glad he gave you an explanation, as daft as it is.

Same thing here, I'm definitely no threat. I haven't looked at him as anything other than an old friend for years and years. I felt nothing but glad for him when he got engaged/married.

I'm definitely not going to expect a reply, infact I'll archive the chat window so I don't cringe every time I open messenger Grin

OP posts:
CocoPancakes · 08/02/2022 09:03

I don't see anything wrong or cringe about your text. I think it would be more weird to not acknowledge the passing of his father and it's not like you were gushy or over affectionate in your message. There's absolutely nothing in that message his wife should take issue with. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

OnlyAFleshWound · 08/02/2022 09:09

@Hollywolly1

I'd imagine he used to speak fondly of you to the wife and the mad batch got jealous and she made him cut you out,what a weak man
Wow. A full character assassination on two total strangers based on a few Internet posts by another stranger. I'd hate to be the person who actually did something wrong to you!
AlbertBridge · 08/02/2022 09:33

I have this. My best male friend and I were thick as thieves in our 20s and 30s and 40s. We were like the male/female versions of the same person. After he got married, he dropped me. I emailed him over lockdown but never got a response.

It hurts like a bitch!

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 08/02/2022 09:41

@AlbertBridge

I have this. My best male friend and I were thick as thieves in our 20s and 30s and 40s. We were like the male/female versions of the same person. After he got married, he dropped me. I emailed him over lockdown but never got a response.

It hurts like a bitch!

I'm really sorry, it certainly does.

It's doubly shit that people jump to the conclusion that we must still have designs on them if we express any upset about being ghosted.

I would be gutted if any of my female friends ghosted me with no explanation too.

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 08/02/2022 09:50

It's sad he couldn't have been up-front about ending your friendship. It really isn't nice to be ghosted by someone you have such a long history with. I think you weren't wrong to send your condolences: you knew his dad and you were part of the family for a while. Think no more of it and don't contact him again.

My partner is still very much in touch with his ex from teens/early twenties - actually she lives round the corner from us and our kids play together - and I wouldn't dream of preventing him from seeing her. They have an important friendship but their romantic relationship ended ages ago for excellent reasons and it doesn't threaten me. I can totally understand that you also had a similar friendship with your ex, and there's nothing here about not being over him. Sorry his wife can't see it that way.

HaggisBurger · 08/02/2022 09:50

I do think it’s a bit of a leap to blame his wife. You have (unless I’ve missed it) no reason at all to think it’s come from her.

But yes I think it’s fine. It could have been a lot, lot worse. Could have been full of emotional reminiscing about your memories of his Dad, blah blah. I think it’s a nice message and as you say you’ve no intention of messaging again.

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 08/02/2022 10:15

The reason I suspect he's culled the friendship due to his wife is because it was only after they got together that he started to distance himself, to the extent that he would cancel plans with our shared group of friends if he knew I was going to be there specifically.

Prior to that we'd see one another every few months (with shared friends and my DH who he'd gotten to know well)

Our oldest mutual friend, who is male, has also seen him far less than he had in years previous, since he met his wife, though they are still in touch.

People drift apart and all that but I do suspect his wife plays a big part especially where I'm concerned.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/02/2022 10:22

I also wouldn't worry about it. It's things like this that made me give up alcohol

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 08/02/2022 10:24

Yeah I won't be drinking again anytime soon, I can't handle the hangover that comes with it Grin

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 08/02/2022 10:26

You clearly do resent his wife and blame it on her. It's also clear that you (and the other poster with the similar story) quite enjoyed having a man around who you know finds you attractive. It's an ego boost. Nothing to do with whether or not you want to sleep with him - obviously you don't.

Being realistic, we've all seen this dynamic play out a thousand times. And your resentment of him for moving on is very telling.