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Original poster

Drunk text my ex, have I shown myself up?

91 replies

Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:00

I've known 'Sam' since we were kids, we dated throughout our teens followed by a brief engagement but we just weren't compatible so called it a day but remained firm friends. I came to view him as a friend far more than an ex.

Some years later I met my now DH and we started a family. Sam remained a firm friend throughout and DH liked him too. He had no issue with us being friends despite the history.

Then Sam met his (now) wife and the longer they were together the less we spoke and he seemed to want to avoid meet ups with friends if I were going to be there at all. There had been no falling out or crossed words.

Then out of the blue one day I noticed he had deleted me as a friend. Confused I sent a message asking if I'd done something to offend him. He read it and didn't respond.

I could only assume he decided to cut ties out of respect for his wife which I thought was fair enough as not everybody is comfortable with their partners remaining friends with exes, although we had known one another for decades and it felt a bit shit to be losing a friend for seemingly no reason.

I later heard through a mutual friend that his father had recently passed away. I wanted to send my condolences but decided against it as I didn't feel any contact from me would be welcome given the deletion and subsequently blanking me.

So last night I got drunk for the first time in almost 2 years (me and DH have had another baby) and dick head here decided it would be a good idea to message him after all, encouraged by an equally pissed mutual friend who was of the opinion that he would appreciate the support Hmm

I wrote:

Hi Sam. I heard about your father and wanted to send you my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you're coping ok. No response is nessecary.

I'm fucking cringing today and think I should have left it well alone because I look like a pest contacting somebody who clearly wants nothing more to do with me.

He hasn't opened the message but I'm sure he's seen it. God only knows what he thinks of me now, messaging him again after he blanked me months ago.

So do I look as much of an idiot as I feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:48

@Marmm

Sounds like you're using his dad as an excuse to get in touch. I mean you're not connected on social media now for a reason. The no response necessary is also weird. Like you think he'll be looking at it going omg do I respond? He has enough on his plate
No, I wanted to be clear that I don't expect a response which is the opposite of using his father's passing as an excuse to chat.

I wanted to express my condolences and let him know I cared about his dad's passing, I didn't want to shag him and haven't for decades.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 07/02/2022 17:49

How long ago did his dad die?

Buildingthefuture · 07/02/2022 17:52

I think it’s fine. It’s an appropriate expression of condolence, not an invite to come round and get it on! I don’t think you’ve embarrassed yourself at all.

User0610134049 · 07/02/2022 17:53

I think the message is fine.
I mean it’s a bit embarrassing you misspelt necessary…. But apart from that
Grin sorry bad joke

But no it’s fine, leave it now but don’t feel bad about it.

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 17:55

@gobbynorthernbird

How long ago did his dad die?
A few months ago.

Our friend told me about it the following week so I've known quite a while but it didn't feel appropriate to message as it was clear to a sober me that he didn't want anything to do with us

A bottle of wine though and I was convinced it was the right thing to do 😐

OP posts:
optimistic40 · 07/02/2022 17:59

Doesn't seem that bad to me. Seems pretty non-cringe in fact. Don't worry about it!

RaininSummer · 07/02/2022 18:09

I think it's fine. You must have known his dad so a perfectly reasonable contact. He presumably wouldn't know you were drunk.

LittleKitten1 · 07/02/2022 18:15

Don't think there was anything wrong with your message and you were right to send condolences on the passing of his father.
You have been friends all these years.
It wouldn't be right not to even offer condolences.. he doesn't need to reply to it. I'd have sent a card.

SummerHouse · 07/02/2022 18:16

This is so fine I am disappointed. I came on for the cringe fest and there's none to be had. So, kindly, is that it? You need to do better. It's an actual zero on my cringometer. Grin

colouringindoors · 07/02/2022 18:18

I don't think it's that bad at all! I was expecting a declaration of unrequited love the way you started your post 😅

Don't stress.

Deedee121 · 07/02/2022 18:19

It's fine. He's the odd one

Myinsidevoice · 07/02/2022 18:19

I wouldn’t worry about it.
You sent a friendly text to a person who meant a great deal to you at some point. It’s nice that you sent the message so I’d just leave him to it now.
I have a friend/ ex who was still good friends with me and my dh until he got engaged and same thing as you-I was removed as a friend etc. He eventually spoke to my dh and explained that his partner wasn’t comfortable with the friendship and he needed to put his relationship with her first. I totally understood, it did hurt my feelings for a little while but I’m overall happy he’s happy.
You were polite and friendly so I’d just leave it as that now.

Ohyesiam · 07/02/2022 18:20

Blimy, I thought you meant you had declared undying love and just got home. That is a very restrained message. Plus which communication channels often open up around bereavement, park because death puts things into perspective.
I shouldn’t worry.

JustLyra · 07/02/2022 18:21

That’s not that bad at all.

Tbh he’s the dickhead ghosting someone he’s known for that many years - especially shortly after asking you and your DH to help him out!

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 18:27

Thanks MN for the perspective. Apparently this is called 'The fear' and it's quite common after a drinking session once you hit your 30's, to then wake up full of anxiety and convinced you've made a fool of yourself somehow for something fairly innocuous or nothing at all.

I didn't know it was a thing.

That'll do me for the next two years, I'm getting too old for this hangover lark and it's no fun when you have kids to keep alive the next day Blush

OP posts:
Purple777 · 07/02/2022 18:29

Sounds ok to me! It's actually a thoughtful message. You've said you don't expect a reply..... so don't wait for one!!

He sounds like an idiot for deleting you for now reason.

Move on.

Briscarta · 07/02/2022 18:29

Op you aren’t an idiot - it was a kind olive branch gesture - if he considers it anything other than an old friend- who he treated terribly btw- acknowledging his loss then he’s the idiot! You found like a lovely person hurt by his actions - as anyone would be.

BabsFiddle · 07/02/2022 18:38

Nothing to worry about... if he is still human he might even appreciate the message. But don't expect a response..

fortheloveofcheesecake · 07/02/2022 18:43

To make you feel better I sent a similar text to my ex 15 years after we split when I heard his dad had died. We hadn't really spoken in that time but it seemed like the right thing to do. I wasn't looking for an 'in', expecting a reply etc...I had known his dad for years and I just wanted him to know that I was sorry for his loss. Think no more about it.

Desmondo2021 · 07/02/2022 18:44

You sound like a nice person, I would genuinely just put it behind you. If anything his wife is probably behind the deletion and ghosting which I would take as a compliment because she probably was a little jealous of you, and insecure. You've really done nothing wrong. But omg to the Beer Fear, it's the worst thing ever and I'm currently a month dry because I just can't face the 4am panics anymore 🤣

VioletLemon · 07/02/2022 18:47

You've done nothing to be embarrassed about, he might have appreciated it. Just chalk it up to a one off. Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and make yourself a cuppa.

Original poster
Fuckingembarrassment · 07/02/2022 18:48

It's the worst isn't it?!

I don't remember feeling like this after drinking in my 20's and I used to go out every few weeks.

Alcohol is the devil. It doesn't help that I'm coming down with a ghastly cold on top.

DH has spent half of the day reassuring me I'll be fine tomorrow and I have nothing to be embarrassed about but I needed to hear it from somebody else too, so thank you Grin

OP posts:
Dumbledoressister · 07/02/2022 18:59

I really, really don't think you have anything to worry about here. It could have been sooooo much worse (I say from bitter experience 😂)

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 19:05

I think it's fine. It's polite to express condolences to someone who has lost a parent. It's not as though you turned up at the funeral or posted all over social media tagging the guy. You reached out and are not expecting anything. Keep your head up, you have enough residual 'care' for someone who was once part of your life.

Maybe make sure the phone goes flat by the second drink in future Wink

tempester28 · 07/02/2022 19:12

I think it is fine and a normal thing to send and I assume you knew his dad too. You don't sound drunk in that message so I would not worry.

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