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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that no employer would want me as my son is always off sick?

81 replies

PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 11:09

I haven’t worked since my 9yo was born.

First of al it was really clear he was autistic and I spent all my time trying to sort out his inability to sleep eat poo speak ..... it was relentless

He has now levelled out to the point that he could cope with being in after school club and few times a week and I’m desperate to go to work

The problem I have is: he may be vastly improved on the autism

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 07/02/2022 11:34

Is there a job that you could take in a school? (Not necessarily HIS school).

Secretary, lunch supervisor, teaching assistant, that kind of thing? Something that specifically involves working school hours can be perfect for situations like this.

parietal · 07/02/2022 11:37

also, you can work online from home and some jobs have flexible hours. look at the £10 per day threads for ideas - transcribing & completing surveys etc.

Original poster

PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 11:37

Sorry half my post was wiped!

The problem I have is: he’s always sick. He’s had two bouts Ear/ throat infections since December; he’s been off with a migraine and for a week with something else in October

He’s just always sick

What do you do with kids like this if you’re working? I always assume that if I had a job I wouldn’t get past probation

OP posts:

AtLeastPretendToCare · 07/02/2022 11:39

That will be challenging. Are you with his father - will he step up and do half? Does he WFH/hybrid or only outside the home?

Do you have skills or experience from before having DS that could lead you into something?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 07/02/2022 11:47

Once you are working you tend to send them into school dosed up on medication and the school would call you if they get worse. So the ear infection would only be one day of parental leave to go to the GP and get drops etc. It's alot easier to keep them off if you aren't working. You could try and get a job this time of year as the normal winter viruses are dying down and he should be healthier compared to October when kids are ill all the time. Some jobs are also more flexible with WFH now too so you might be able to do that.

Jobs like writing subtitles can be done from home so maybe look into that.

MabelsApron · 07/02/2022 11:47

Public sector. Half my colleagues are like this and nobody bats an eyelid. Drives me mad (sorry).

Original poster

PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 11:49

Yes I had a well paid job in financial services before I had children

I just can’t see me ever being able to work because my child is definitely on the sickly side of things

Despite a decent balanced diet, extra vits c&d

Apparently autistic kids have poorer overall health so it’s not my imagination

He has constant skin infections, any bites become a massive issue. His respiratory system is fragile.

I don’t know if I should just go and do a masters or some other training and wait for him to grow up a bit? He’s also physically tiny and we’re all really tall. He didn’t eat properly for years and I think this might be part of the cause

OP posts:

WhyYesYABU · 07/02/2022 11:50

Could you train as a bookkeeper or something you could perhaps do in your own time?

WhyYesYABU · 07/02/2022 11:52

Sorry just seen the update. Does he amuse himself at home or not? Would you be able to work from home with him around? I work from home 3 days a week so when mine are older (currently 13, 2 and 7 weeks) I will be able to work when they're home. For now we split sick days 50/50.

MorningStarling · 07/02/2022 11:56

Another vote for public sector job, nobody will care if you're off all the time.

The problem with taking a job in the private sector is that your absence costs your employer money, whereas in the public sector they get the funding whatever, so don't really care.

Velvian · 07/02/2022 11:58

Hi OP, I have an 8 and 11 YO primary school DCs. Both have some mild additional needs and learning difficulties. I WFH 30 hours over 5 days (3 long, 2 short).

I work for my local council in an Admin role. Since I have been WFH, it is never a problem when they are off. They have been fine to lie on the sofa warltching TV while I've been working in the other room.

If your DS is happy to entertain himself with screen time when not too ill, this should be doable for you. There are more WFH and hybrid jobs about since the pandemic.

TeeBee · 07/02/2022 11:58

Yeah, some of these issues would still lead me to send my kids to school but appreciate that that's not always possible. Do you have family to support you when he really cannot go in? Or can your partner work from home? Can you find a role where you can work from home even some of the time? That way, if he's ill, you could swap your WFH day to when he is ill. To me it sounds as though you need support to work more flexibly. I think a lot more companies are learning that remote working is entirely possible and, in some cases, preferable. At that age, you can still get a full day's work in even if he's off school.

itwasntaparty · 07/02/2022 11:59

Get a decent employer in FS and you'll have flexibility to a point.

JeffThePilot · 07/02/2022 12:04

@MorningStarling

Another vote for public sector job, nobody will care if you're off all the time.

The problem with taking a job in the private sector is that your absence costs your employer money, whereas in the public sector they get the funding whatever, so don't really care.

That’s not my experience. I have a disability and I was threatened with all sorts after my sixth day off in a year.

Original poster

PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 12:15

Ok so yes, it’s WFH or nothing then, I thought this would be the case.

I don’t keep my son off unless absolutely necessary because his socialisation is vital and he’s very bright, he loves school.

Don’t think public sector is for me really - I don’t want to deliberately work somewhere where nobody cares about absenteeism. I want to do an honest job without the guilt of feeling like I’m off all the time or not fully committed

My husband works from home but he’s in a very intense role and genuinely unable to help much during the day. He spends the vast majority of time leading on video conferences so this isn’t an excuse

OP posts:

Original poster

PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 12:16

Does anybody know of any wfh type of agencies etc?

What on earth does everybody else do????

OP posts:

jay55 · 07/02/2022 12:16

I work in finance on the tech side and most employers are flexible these days, especially with home working. Even before covid no one batted an eye when someone needed to work from home extra days due to sick child (or school assembly or parents evening).

Have a look at women returners womenreturners.com/returners/returner-opportunities/

catgirl1976 · 07/02/2022 12:18

You are allowed in law, a reasonable amount of time off for dependants however this is unpaid. You would not be subject to sickness triggers for any time off taken under this header as it is not sick leave (though what is reasonable is a little subjective)

I agree that a WFH role would be ideal if you can find one. There are plenty about so fingers crossed you can find something - or an understanding and flexible employer

JovialNickname · 07/02/2022 12:18

That will be hard, undoubtedly. But please try not to worry, you are allowed to have a job and you are allowed to look after and care about your son. You are not doing anything wrong here, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you sound like a lovely person. It's ok to look for a job and yes if you need a lot of time off you might not pass probation. That's ok too. (Not ideal but sometimes life deals us a difficult hand). You will then have the experience to look for something else. Sometimes life is hard (as I'm sure you know only too well) and sometimes we have to live in the grey area. Things aren't black and white. Also, sometimes you stumble on people that are kind. After 6 months in the job, if they like you, your employer might be understanding. Sometimes people give others a chance. If not this job, another one. Don't let your circumstances put you off applying. X

catgirl1976 · 07/02/2022 12:19

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

AtLeastPretendToCare · 07/02/2022 12:20

I would think longer term. Roll forward 5 years, what would you ideally like to be doing work wise? Then what skills, experience or qualification would you need to get there? Else you face leaping into something you don’t actually want to do just because you can fit it in.

If you’re near London you might want to look into returner schemes that various banks, other FIs and consultancies have. However they are unlikely to be fully home based. Worth having a look at them anyway if just to rule out.

stayathomer · 07/02/2022 12:22

Yanbu, I started work last year and it's absolute hell (heaven in every other way)as nobody here has kids and I've had 2 warnings over people not being able to pick up slack for other people, and that's with my husband taking the kids most times they're sick!!! He's on warnings in work too and stressed to the max. Hilarious thing is they haven't been sick as much as in the past!! We're both falling apart from the stress of figuring out what to do if they so much as sneeze. I'd say look at the pros and cons, the money is a huge thing but when you factor in childcare etc ...

Velvian · 07/02/2022 12:22

Personally, I don't recognise the the comment about no one caring if you're off all the time. I once had a back to work meeting when I had to leave work at 3, as I had a migraine. That said, my specific role can be done 100% from home now.

Franklin12 · 07/02/2022 12:25

So the public sector take loads of time off and no one bats an eyelid... that explains a lot!

Blogdog · 07/02/2022 12:25

I am in a similar situation with a son with ASD and two others with various conditions. I spend a significant amount of time bringing them to therapies. I gave up work for a number of years but nearly went out of my mind with boredom and worry - too much time on my hands basically meant I had too much time to focus on worrying about my son. I eventually went back to work for my mental health 20 hours a week however I have pretty much complete flexibility as to how and when I work - my boss is only focussed on end results as opposed to hours behind the desk. I was very clear at the start that I needed flexibility and that has never been an issue. The flip side is that I am earning a lot less than I was when I was in a full time corporate job. It also took me a long time to find the right role - I was getting to the point where I felt it was self employment or nothing; normal corporate life wouldn’t work at all for me, when this came up.

Good luck OP - it really isn’t easy.

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