AIBU to think that no employer would want me as my son is always off sick?

[PinchOfVom]

I haven’t worked since my 9yo was born.

First of al it was really clear he was autistic and I spent all my time trying to sort out his inability to sleep eat poo speak ..... it was relentless

He has now levelled out to the point that he could cope with being in after school club and few times a week and I’m desperate to go to work

The problem I have is: he may be vastly improved on the autism

Can’t you work evenings/ weekends when his father is around?
When my children were small their father worked Monday to Friday office hours and I worked weekends. It was hard work but doable we just made the most of annual leave for family time.

Could you look into temp work ? Would also give you the option to try working without commiting.

In my experience public sector only turns a blind eye to parents doing it. Everyone I know that’s been ill themselves, even if it’s disability related, has been subject to disciplinary. Parents don’t. That’s why I recommended it specifically to this OP.

@PinchOfVom

Ok so yes, it’s WFH or nothing then, I thought this would be the case.

I don’t keep my son off unless absolutely necessary because his socialisation is vital and he’s very bright, he loves school.

Don’t think public sector is for me really - I don’t want to deliberately work somewhere where nobody cares about absenteeism. I want to do an honest job without the guilt of feeling like I’m off all the time or not fully committed

My husband works from home but he’s in a very intense role and genuinely unable to help much during the day. He spends the vast majority of time leading on video conferences so this isn’t an excuse

Contrary to what other posters have put it’s not in my experience the case that ‘nobody cares’ about absenteeism in the public sector. Wherever I have worked management have cared very much about this, but the approach is typically more about what can be done to support the employee such flexible working etc rather than just seeing things in terms of lost income.

People are also more likely to be allowed to wfh post pandemic, and generally adjust hours around their own circumstances whilst still doing a valuable job. All good things in my opinion. What a shame that someone such as yourself who could most benefit from these kind of approaches seems to have fallen for the populist ‘public sector workers are lazy/don’t care/don’t do an honest job’ nonsense…

@moonlitsparkle I’m in public sector and I don’t think people are lazy - I’d have to think of myself that way, and I don’t. I work my backside off. But parents take the piss where I work, and that wouldn’t be tolerated in the private sector (I’ve worked in both). Clearly it’s not every public sector environment, so thank God for that.

Seriously your husband needs to help out with childcare when your child is sick if you both work

My husband earns a lot more than me - but if our child is sick we take equal amount of days off each to look after her !

@MabelsApron I’ve worked in both too and found people taking the piss in both for varying reasons, either getting away with it or not being more down to managers and often their personal relationship with said managers. Always being physically present doesn’t necessarily mean people are pulling their weight either. I’m in a managerial role and prefer to work where it’s more acceptable for me to make alternative arrangements for people in different at home situations rather than just write them off eg they will make up the work at a more suitable time for them. Of course I’m not saying there aren’t genuine piss takers in across the public sector who don’t ever make up time etc and I’m sure that’s frustrating for you as it sounds like you have many! It’s just the broad ‘all public sector’ statements that get me a bit eye-rolly.

I work for PwC and can WFH 2 days a week. If I worked from home 5 days a week no one would bat an eyelid. I work hard but it's very flexible. Sometimes I log off at 4, sort the kids out for a while then log on later and make the time up. Obviously it varies depending on your role/business area. Maybe you could find a similar organisation where you could work 3/4 days over 5 and are fairly flexible so if your DS is ill not much changes? I do think occasionally your DH should be willing to take a day so the entire burden isn't just on you/your employer.

Anyway back to the OP. You seem to have dismissed the public sector but are asking where people find wfh jobs. Maybe reconsider as there are loads of good, flexible jobs in the public sector which now allow for a lot of wfh even if they expect an office presence sometimes. This isn’t always clear from the job ads so you’d probably need to explore areas of interest and have some conversations with hiring managers.

@itwasntaparty

Get a decent employer in FS and you'll have flexibility to a point.

This. And FS organisations are crying out to support returners.

OP can you be more specific about what you did previously and maybe some of us can help? Big4 have lots of support for returners and offer quite a lot of flexibility to help manage family commitments (including up to 10 sessions of emergency childcare for at least one, I’m sure the others are similar). Would you consider something in consulting?

Unless you need to work shifts most jobs that offer some wfh can provide an element of flexibility. I’ve spent quite a few days already this year of working what I can in the day and then making up hours where I can in the evening. It’s not ideal but it’s doable.

Would your OH shoulder some of the load? It’s a big adjustment if you’ve not worked for 9 years so you should have a frank discussion about it.

He may really struggle at secondary...

Could you take him to a holistic nutritionist to see if they can do some tests to make sure his nutrition is optimal?

I'd also really work on his gut health.

I work 20 hours a week, lucky to have an understanding employee and v supportive DH

What about an evening job? Could you work around your husbands hours? Obviously it does limit job prospects depending what you want to do for a career

My dd was a sickly child and I worked opposite hours to her dad so one of us could be with her - so I worked evenings and weekends. I switched to office hours when she was 6/7 and slightly better, it was hard going. I used every hour of annual leave on school holidays and sickness, plus a fair amount of unpaid leave, and every ounce of goodwill from my employers. It was brutal tbh. I was never in a position to negotiate payrises or promotions as I was just grateful not to be sacked.

Dd is 12 now and much much better!

I'd also suggest returning considering returning part time.

Although most employers will happily give you time off for a sick child, you would build a lot of good will if you offered to change days occasionally (eg normal days are mon, tue, wed but child off sick mon and tue so you work wed, thur, fri).

And DO NOT mention to any colleague that its the norm - definitely pretend its just bad luck and style it out. Ideally go for something where you are going to excel rather than something which is a step up so that you are very much valued by the time the pattern becomes clear.

And also get your husband to agree to begin taking eg 4 days a year to look after son now so that everything doesn't fall on you once you start back

I don't work for this reason. It's ok for us as DH earns enough for us to cover our bills, and topped with DLA and Carers Allowance, we have a decent quality of life.

My DC wouldn't cope in childcare and there are no after school clubs for him at his special school. I have to be there at 9 to drop him off and just before 3 to pick him up, and he can't/won't go with anyone else because I'm the only driver in our family. He can't walk with DH because it's too far and he is too much of a safety risk near busy roads etc. I also have a younger child who goes to nursery 30 hrs a week (but with covid and bugs we've barely had a full week since the start of the winter).

People think I'm lazy, I'm not going to sugar coat it.

But if one of the kids is ill I can go and get them straight away, and I can keep them home without any logistical gymnastics. My DH can keep his contracts (he is self employed), so our income is reasonably secure.

I had a professional career before kids and was fully expecting to go back to that p/t but life threw me a (brilliant) child with numerous diagnoses and learning disability and I have had to work with what we have.

@PinchOfVom
the idea that the public sector does not care about absenteeism is ridiculous
I have been on a performance plan myself a few years ago, even though it was a genuine illness and I had surgery. Still had to go through the process as I had passed my trigger points.
I work in the civil service, my dept is very family friendly but at the end of the day you are there to do a job

@HeyItsPickleRick

I work for PwC and can WFH 2 days a week. If I worked from home 5 days a week no one would bat an eyelid. I work hard but it's very flexible. Sometimes I log off at 4, sort the kids out for a while then log on later and make the time up. Obviously it varies depending on your role/business area. Maybe you could find a similar organisation where you could work 3/4 days over 5 and are fairly flexible so if your DS is ill not much changes? I do think occasionally your DH should be willing to take a day so the entire burden isn't just on you/your employer.

Should say 3 days a week. We are supposed to go into the office twice a week post pandemic. But they really are very good.

when I first went back to work after I adopted my son, he still had lots of appointments for therapies etc
I went back three days a week and tried my hardest to get appts on my non working day. If I couldn't my line manager was happy to let me switch my NWD to accommodate it or use flex time.
It would be easier now as we have the facility to work from home so I can make time up in the evenings or weekends

What area of financial services?

Could you do some refresher training on your own time and then look to being a home based assistant for an IFA?

I work as an admin for an IFA and am currently doing so from home while I recover from an op, and we’ve recently taken on an ad hoc admin who works on a SE basis (also wfh) this could work around your child as as long as the tasks are completed in the set time frame all is good.

As you've already financial services experience I'd retrain as a bookkeeper/accountant and gain the relevant qualifications on the way. I know a lady who does this and now has about 3 or 4 people working for her and she's trained as an accountant now (studied alongside working), so offers a full package to self employed/small companies. Is always recommended locally and seems to be doing very well.

I worked in the public sector. Where i was they had a very strict absence policy. People were sacked.

[quote Ted27]@PinchOfVom
the idea that the public sector does not care about absenteeism is ridiculous
I have been on a performance plan myself a few years ago, even though it was a genuine illness and I had surgery. Still had to go through the process as I had passed my trigger points.
I work in the civil service, my dept is very family friendly but at the end of the day you are there to do a job[/quote]
I’m simply going on comments from a few other posters

I’ve never worked in public sector and have absolutely no idea if everybody is as blasé about time off as those posters have stated

But I don’t want a job that relies on my taking advantage to get by. That’s not
Me.

@nanbread

I'd also really work on his gut health.

I work 20 hours a week, lucky to have an understanding employee and v supportive DH

Yes, he’s on daily probiotics - proper ones not yakult type yoghurts

I do have an appointment with a paediatric shortly a hope to get some answers. Would like a full load of blood tests to check for deficiencies

@DDivaStar

Could you look into temp work ? Would also give you the option to try working without commiting.

Yes, that’s my first thought really

I need to get back out there even if only remotely!