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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that no employer would want me as my son is always off sick?

81 replies

PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 11:09

I haven’t worked since my 9yo was born.

First of al it was really clear he was autistic and I spent all my time trying to sort out his inability to sleep eat poo speak ..... it was relentless

He has now levelled out to the point that he could cope with being in after school club and few times a week and I’m desperate to go to work

The problem I have is: he may be vastly improved on the autism

OP posts:
LefttoherownDevizes · 07/02/2022 14:40

Make DH step up and share the sick days. It's not fair if you are having to give up a career cos he won't shoulder the burden

Hungry625f · 07/02/2022 14:45

My husband works from home but he’s in a very intense role and genuinely unable to help much during the day. He spends the vast majority of time leading on video conferences so this isn’t an excuse

Of course it is an excuse. I have a v.v.important, high level job, leading on video conferences, liaising with govt etc. U still do 50% of the childcare when kids are sick.

Either your making excuses for him, or he is a shit bag for expecting you to pick up all the grunt work at the expense of your wellbeing and career.

Ted27 · 07/02/2022 14:46

@PinchOfVom

I realise that, I was just pointing out it was a ridiculous statement - made by other people. I've worked in the public sector all my working life - 35 years in a variety of organisations - I've never come across that attitude
The public sector is wide and varied, if you exclude it on the basis of nonsense spouted on here about absenteeism you are actually ruling out some potentially very good employers
As I said, my dept is very family friendly, I've never had any issues getting authorised time off for my son, even if its been unpaid a few times. But it was always authorised and I had to make the time up somewhere.
At the end of the summer holidays I always used to end up about 25 - 30 hours in deficit on my flex. It was always paid back by October half term.
It worked because August was generally a quiet time for us but Sept/Oct was a peak.
Only you can decide if the level of care your son needs would result in undue pressure to get your hours in.
The public sector could be a good option for you - but as I said at the end of the day you are there to do a job

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/02/2022 15:00

Hi op

Can I suggest that you push for his tonsils and adenoids be removed
My son had terrible ears and throat which then went on to his chest

Got those things removed and everything stopped
They said his tonsils were the biggest they had ever seen, and would I consent to donate them to Smith Klein Glaxo as they were researching a new drug
His snoring was legendary

Good luck

Original poster
PinchOfVom · 07/02/2022 15:00

@Hungry625f

My husband works from home but he’s in a very intense role and genuinely unable to help much during the day. He spends the vast majority of time leading on video conferences so this isn’t an excuse

Of course it is an excuse. I have a v.v.important, high level job, leading on video conferences, liaising with govt etc. U still do 50% of the childcare when kids are sick.

Either your making excuses for him, or he is a shit bag for expecting you to pick up all the grunt work at the expense of your wellbeing and career.

Would you expect a surgeon to cancel operations? How about an headteacher not being in for an ofsted inspection? Some people cannot just take a day off like that. Because the repercussions are endless for other people.

You don’t know my husband job.
He cannot just take time off like that.

OP posts:
Hungry625f · 07/02/2022 15:07

Actually yes OP those are exactly the type of scenarios I'm talking about. Demanding, clinical roles that require someone to turn up. Hence why locums and deputies exist. Literally the whole point of them.

Hungry625f · 07/02/2022 15:09

Your analogy of the OFSTED doesn't work. The split should be 50/50. If one of our kids is sick, we discuss it, figure out whose diary is the least impactful on clinical services, and that person looks after the kids that day. Your husband is not the most important man in the world and despite his protestations, he can take time off work to look after his kids. Surgeon or not.

bookwormnerd · 07/02/2022 15:17

I'm in same situation, my youngest is autistic and gets sick alot. He gets loads of ear infections which we are under ent for, and he has pica so often has stuff in mouth meaning he catches everything going, he has vitamins and actually eats a good diet according to dietician (we are looking at allergies at moment). My husbands job is such that he could not just leave quickly if son needed picking up. To do do would adversely effect his job and our main income. I have ended staying at home because I just couldent find a job to be able to fit off with drop offs to specialist education setting and also picking up or being at home with him unwell. I think we will eventually have to look for something which is work from home.

redpandaalert · 07/02/2022 15:17

ASD child I had a time job when in primary, he couldn’t cope with any after school childcare despite being. Now he is at secondary WFH part time job which is flexible in terms of days so can attend appointments also he needs me at home with him during the holidays but not to interact with him any more. Professional job, many more WFH opportunities and there is a shortage of skilled staff so it’s a good time to look. Good luck. I think working helps me obsess less about his difficulties and worry less about his future!

Bywayofanupdate · 07/02/2022 15:25

Can you afford to not work OP? I have a child who is constantly ill, chest infections, tummy bugs, he catches everything! The stress when trying to work with him off sick (even though I work remotely) is horrendous. The guilt at being a bad parent and a bad employee. If I could choose I would not work so that I had the flexibility to be off when I needed to to care for DC. Alternatively, could you find something flexible and part time so you at least know you can pick up any slack after taking any guilt free time off to care for DC?

stayathomer · 07/02/2022 15:28

Bywayofanupdate
Huge hugs, am in the same place. Myself and dh regularly trying to figure out whether I should just go back to being a sahm, we're all crushed by trying to juggle

timeforteaforyouandme · 07/02/2022 15:33

Try to get eg a 3 day a week job with enough flexibility that if you need to be at home you can wfh or work on one of your days off instead without having to count it as sick or A/L. The holy grail is an annualised hours contract... (recruiters could take note)

Best is the type of role where it's more about productivity than being present. Do you have a DH I didn't rtft sorry. I would go in for the morning and then come home for 1 he would go in late and work late for dc sick days so it only counted as half a day of my time off. That was pre covid where no wfh.
Agree that parental threshold for sending them in is lower if you work (judging by my friends)

NumberTheory · 07/02/2022 16:00

If you really want a career, you need to have a discussion with your husband about him pulling his weight on the childcare side now. That doesn’t necessarily mean he has to take time off when child is sick. But he does need to work out whether he earns enough doing a job that can’t be interrupted by sickness to pay for the care that your son requires when he is sick. You’ve done 9 years of taking the financial hit. It isn’t unreasonable to expect your husband to step back if you really want to step up. But it may also mean a financial hit to family finances for a few years (or even permanently). That’s not an unreasonable ask, though.

LefttoherownDevizes · 07/02/2022 16:57

Unless he can shoulder his share off sick days (and as PP said that could be paying for care) it's unsure for you to ask/expect your employer to cover all the absences. At my place questions would be asked (and were) once the time off hit a level.

Your best bet would be trying to find remote work that is based on output rather than you working set hours.

As someone else said trying to juggle a job and sick kid is tough, feel like you're letting everyone down

theqentity · 07/02/2022 17:54

Do you want to work or do you need to? If you don't need to, but feel you should, maybe examine that feeling and why you feel that way.

Trust me, I've done that a thousand times, and the outcome is always that I be a SAHM, at least until DC1 is secondary age.

I do have a creative side gig that I could potentially turn into something more lucrative, if I had the time. Right now I just don't.

Electricbug321 · 07/02/2022 18:25

It is not true that no one cares if you take loads of time off in the public sector. I have a staff member going through an HR process for the exact reason of taking a lot of time off to care for a sick child.

Hungry625f · 07/02/2022 19:34

Yet I also work in the public sector and manage multiple staff, some of whom have kids with very complex needs. We work through it together to find a solution, and I would expect the other parent (where there is one) to be a significant part of that solution.

I've only come across it once where a staff members child's sickness became an issue, and that was because their husband wasn't willing to ever do his share of it. That very nearly got to disciplinary but we got there in the end.

Thewoolmill · 07/02/2022 19:41

I work in an admin role in education. I have two with special needs. Both attend specialist schools and both can’t access childcare in the holidays. It’s not a perfect job, it’s actually really exhausting but it’s a benefit that I can work from home and it’s term time. I’ve worked around my kids when they’re sick as they tend to want to be left alone. You’d be better off in public sector I think.

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2022 19:47

Hi OP.

I know what you mean - I have two boys with autism (9 & 4) who haven’t had 2 full consecutive weeks at school since November.

I work part time in a private school as a Finance Manager and am a 0.7fte.

My manager is very understanding and gives me a lot of latitude and flexibility but last year I felt like I was going to have a breakdown - it was constant colds, throat infections, noro at one point and I caught everything too. It was a shit show.

But at 9, is he at the stage where if he’s unwell could you manage working from home? If my 9yo is home I can work with him nearby with minimal supervision required.

I think look for something PT with hybrid working or totally wfh/flexibility and go from there. You can do it.

My job keeps me sane. It’s not what I’d be doing if I had NT children who could cope better but it is what it is.

Floralnomad · 07/02/2022 19:53

I really don’t understand how you think you can get a job where you will be WFH to be able to manage your sons sickness episodes but your husband who already WFH cannot do the same whilst you get a job anywhere .

Valdes · 07/02/2022 19:57

Wow, the hate for public sector workers on here, let's forget all the effort during the pandemic shall we? Hmm

Rainbowqueeen · 07/02/2022 20:04

Yes DH needs to look after your son. If DC is sick 2 days then maybe he can’t rearrange to do day 1 but he should do day 2. Or else he is the one who takes the time off for all appointments for DC.

I’d look for temp work or a part time job where you can change the days you work during the week rather than take sick leave. So if you normally work Monday and DC is sick then you stay home and go in on Thursday which is normally your day off. I’ve had a job like this - public service.

Would book keeping interest you? It was the first job I thought of as it’s generally something that can be done from home.

MrBoldwood · 07/02/2022 20:05

I work in the public sector and manage a large team, we certainly do address absenteeism; it can impact on an individual’s promotion prospects as well as access to pay increases and ultimately can lead to dismissal.

JudgeJ · 08/02/2022 13:31

@Monopolyiscrap

I worked in the public sector. Where i was they had a very strict absence policy. People were sacked.
I think a lot of people who are commenting on the public sector are a bit out of date. It certainly used to be the case, when I was teaching we had a couple of people who were regularly off on Friday and/or Monday during the caravan season. Another had been waiting for some operation and was furious, refusing the date, when it was during the Summer holiday, she wasn't wasting her time on her health. Now I think it's a lot tighter and, in my experience, a case of 'if your face fits'!
MabelsApron · 08/02/2022 18:48

I started the public sector thing - I don’t hate its workers, I am one - and unfortunately it’s not out of date whatsoever where I work. I’m delighted that time has moved on for other parts of the sector, though. Hopefully my place will catch up (vested interest in that as I’m constantly covering colleagues).