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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get mad about parents self inflicted disease

85 replies

Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:17

I’m quite angry right now

My parent died of lung cancer 10 years ago. Now my mum has COPD which is getting progressively worse.

I’ve told her to go to the doctors to get oxygen before as she looked like she was gasping for breath.

She now has oxygen (roll on a year after me telling her). She is asking me to run errands and get things which is fine if I’m out passing shops etc

I have children on my own, work full time and am a single parent so have to sort the kids.

My relationship has also just broken down so I’m not in the best headspace as still hurting.

Today I have told her I can’t keep running about after everyone as I am going to get poorly and have enough on. I am being truthful about this.

I said you should have-got oxygen and gone and seen the doctor before her reply was I was ‘stropping off’ (she often does this) I said quite clearly no I’m not stropping off and you’re being rude. I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now.

No apology so I said right I’m going as not in the best frame of mind at the moment so am going.

I feel quite angry at her and it’s almost like she enjoys people running after her, she has reduced the quality of her own life to this, I am limited as to petrol etc financially and today it’s cost me money I don’t have to get these errands.. I just feel angry and resentful and am the only one around to do things my sibling doesn’t live nearby so it all falls on my shoulders.

When my kids were little she told me ‘you’ve made your bed lie in it’ when I asked for support and didn’t really get it. I feel like turning around and saying the same thing to her as she literally has ‘made her bed and is lying in it’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:19

By the way.. I did tell her a year ago to go to the doctors to be checked as she looked like she was gasping for breath And the response was no.

OP posts:
Flossieskeeper · 06/02/2022 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldestmumaintheworld · 06/02/2022 14:29

The state of your Mother's health is her business and her responsibility, not yours. That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it and the limitations that imposes on her. It's always hard watching our parents getting older.
However, how much you can help and choose to help is up to you. Do what you can manage and let others pick up the slack. Don't feel guilty. Just do your best.

Santaslittlemelter · 06/02/2022 14:30

'I told you so' never works well with people. Im not sure what you want from her, an apology? Or just gratefulness?

You'll get neither. But you can choose to back off or do favours on condition she pays for your petrol etc.

Sounds like you dont have a great relationship with her.

Pedallleur · 06/02/2022 14:32

Told my mother 30 yrs earlier smoking would kill her. It did but towards the end you do what you do.

frazzledasarock · 06/02/2022 14:33

Practically if you can’t afford to run errands for your mother. Tell her you can’t.

Organise online shops for her and does she have adult social care in place if she’s unable to do basics for herself? She’ll need to get something in place.

You can’t use up your resources on your parent, you have your own responsibilities.

I hope things get better for you.

Darkstar4855 · 06/02/2022 14:34

Well it’s frustrating but saying I told you so isn’t going to help anything now. She can’t go back in time and change it and even if she had got oxygen then she would still likely be just as unwell now. Oxygen doesn’t slow the progression of COPD, it just treats the symptoms.

I think you need to be clear about what level of assistance you’re willing to offer your mum and then calmly tell her that she needs to contact her GP/adult social care if she needs more or find other ways of coping. Feeling so resentful is not going to help you cope so if you need to take a step back then do so.

YANBU to not want to do so much but YABU to lecture her about what you think she should have done.

Georgeskitchen · 06/02/2022 14:35

Too late really to say I told you so.
Smoking is an addiction which can be incredibly hard to beat and I'm sure your DM knows this. Do you have siblings/other family to help out? If not ask social services to look at some home care for her , shopping, cleaning etc. To lighten the load for you

TracyMosby · 06/02/2022 14:36

I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now
This would have made no difference. COPD doesn't get any better. It is an awful, awful disease.

Has she stopped smoking at least? As this will make a difference to her breathing. Is she doing exercises. Light exercise will help too.

Original poster
Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:38

Thanks and I did tell her to see a doctor a year ago to get help with it as I know it is progressive but now it’s hitting her in the face and I’m left to pick up the pieces like I did with my dad, the problem is it it triggering those feelings or anger and resentment and today I just thought well it serves you right.. if I’d drunk a litre of vodka per day for the past ten years I don’t think she would think any different,

My kids and our well-being are our priority and have to be.

OP posts:
changewwible · 06/02/2022 14:39

Does she still smoke?

Original poster
Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:40

@ Santaslittlemelter no I don’t she hadn’t been the easiest or most loving parent so I don’t have a good relationship with her, I was closer to my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:40

@ changewwible no she doesn’t smoke now .. but the damage is done

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:42

I’m not saying I told you so.. I’m trying to point out that she could have been supported more by the health professionals as no one has been involved until now..

Sibling no where near

Just me

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 06/02/2022 14:45

I don't think you understand COPD.

ShelbyNotes · 06/02/2022 14:47

I can understand your frustrations, I’ve had similar with my father different medical issues but it caused huge strains - I was left with every single task to do from cooking,cleaning, washing and so on… so I really do feel your stress and strain right now.

Illnesses do not go away and your mums requirements will change which may require further help from you in the future. Please do reach out to different carers charities - they provide a lot of support and are always at the end of the phone for a chat. You may not see yourself as a carer but you are an unpaid caregiver and they will welcome you with open arms. They support you with talking through your frustrations it help me so much.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2022 14:48

@Lolabray

Thanks and I did tell her to see a doctor a year ago to get help with it as I know it is progressive but now it’s hitting her in the face and I’m left to pick up the pieces like I did with my dad, the problem is it it triggering those feelings or anger and resentment and today I just thought well it serves you right.. if I’d drunk a litre of vodka per day for the past ten years I don’t think she would think any different,

My kids and our well-being are our priority and have to be.

I kind of get your feelings about this. But my mother died of emphysema in her early 50s and it's a godawful disease. Two of her consultants actually said they'd rather have cancer. Shock so I am a little sympathetic although it is lifestyle related. My mother never gave up smoking she was so addicted.

Obviously only do what you can, you do have your own family to care for (I was just 20)

But she will be frightened. Treatment has improved in the nearly 50 years since my mother died but there's no cure other than a lung transplant.

No-one 'deserves' their illnesses. Whatever their lifestyle.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2022 14:50

@Lolabray

Thanks and I did tell her to see a doctor a year ago to get help with it as I know it is progressive but now it’s hitting her in the face and I’m left to pick up the pieces like I did with my dad, the problem is it it triggering those feelings or anger and resentment and today I just thought well it serves you right.. if I’d drunk a litre of vodka per day for the past ten years I don’t think she would think any different,

My kids and our well-being are our priority and have to be.

Is there a chance you could access counselling? You clearly need help to unpick all your feelings surrounding your parents.
WildPoinsettia · 06/02/2022 14:53

You're not obligated to be her carer if you don't want to.

Fuuuuuckit · 06/02/2022 14:54

Oh OP, I get you! My mum has COPD and just diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer.

I'm in a similar position to you - single working parent plus my own health troubles at the moment.

I've had to have a bit of a stern conversation with my mum after getting to the point of snapping at her. I do not do £50 cash withdrawals twice a week/popping to the shop/in person repeat prescription requests/telephone to make gp appointments etc for myself as I don't have the time or headspace, so I WILL NOT be doing them for her. 90% of her non-health-related moans are about stuff that can so very easily be managed online, but she chooses to refuse to engage with anything like that. (She also is refusing to even consider POA or a will, knowing that the inevitable mess will fall to me to sort out)

A counsellor once told me that on a plane they ask you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. I'm having to make that sort of decision where my mum is concerned - currently she has a choice that she's not taking, eventually she will not have the choice, but I hope she doesn't get to a crisis point before she realises she doesn't need a bloody mini-statement twice a week

affairsofdragons · 06/02/2022 14:56

You are not in a position to help her. You'll just have to make it clear she'll need to sort out some assistance for herself because your plate is already overflowing.

SparklingLime · 06/02/2022 14:56

@Flossieskeeper, you don’t get Carers’ Allowance for “running errands” but for a minimum of 35 hours care per week. As OP is working FT she wouldn’t get it anyway.

Flossieskeeper · 06/02/2022 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A4513 · 06/02/2022 15:16

Op. It's ok to not be able to help. Others, siblings, charities, paid care will need to step in.

You sound angry and frustrated. Which I understand.

I was your child in this situation.

I wish my mum had said no.

No,I can't afford to use my petrol to pick up your shopping or prescriptions.
No, I don't have time after work to clean your house, I am taking care of my own children.
No.
No.
NO!

I spent an entire childhood as the daughter of an unwilling carer who gave more than was reasonable, and you know what? It was never enough, even if you become ill yourself it won't be.

You need to figure out what you are willing to do (e.g. collect her shopping if you go on a specific day yourself, not rushing off for her) and you need to encourage independent alternative sources of help. A big example in my experience was my grandparent refusing to use the chemist prescription drop off service because mum could do it and "it is easier"... Well yes. Except it's mum and the rest of the family running around after school and rushing dinner etc ... Not "easier" for us, was it.

You can probably tell how angry I am 30 years later!

Put yourself and your children first, and step in where you can and want to.

Thant doesn't mean giving her what she expects or demands.

Laiste · 06/02/2022 15:21

@Fuuuuuckit i hear you.

''When you get my prescription can you 'pop' to tesco (20 min drive the other way) for 2 parsnips? Oh and get some cash out but not at one of those machines because i want 5s. Oh and post this but not at tesco i'm sure they only collect once a week from there ...''.

(this is all usually the day after i've done her weekly shop).