AIBU to get mad about parents self inflicted disease

[Lolabray]

I’m quite angry right now

My parent died of lung cancer 10 years ago. Now my mum has COPD which is getting progressively worse.

I’ve told her to go to the doctors to get oxygen before as she looked like she was gasping for breath.

She now has oxygen (roll on a year after me telling her). She is asking me to run errands and get things which is fine if I’m out passing shops etc

I have children on my own, work full time and am a single parent so have to sort the kids.

My relationship has also just broken down so I’m not in the best headspace as still hurting.

Today I have told her I can’t keep running about after everyone as I am going to get poorly and have enough on. I am being truthful about this.

I said you should have-got oxygen and gone and seen the doctor before her reply was I was ‘stropping off’ (she often does this) I said quite clearly no I’m not stropping off and you’re being rude. I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now.

No apology so I said right I’m going as not in the best frame of mind at the moment so am going.

I feel quite angry at her and it’s almost like she enjoys people running after her, she has reduced the quality of her own life to this, I am limited as to petrol etc financially and today it’s cost me money I don’t have to get these errands.. I just feel angry and resentful and am the only one around to do things my sibling doesn’t live nearby so it all falls on my shoulders.

When my kids were little she told me ‘you’ve made your bed lie in it’ when I asked for support and didn’t really get it. I feel like turning around and saying the same thing to her as she literally has ‘made her bed and is lying in it’.

@Lolabray, I wouldn't be surprised if she feels more comfortable with asking you for some reason.

It's a great development that you have contacted your sister. Good for you. I would now direct anything you can't handle to your sister. Maybe even talk to her at the beginning of each week to sort out who can do what. If your mother refuses the help, so be it.

It's fair for you to say, "I can't manage that, but I can ask my sister to." Do your best not to feel frustrated because that will only make you feel worse. Act like you're dealing with a flowchart. If she says she needs help and you can help, help. If you can't help, ask your sister. If your mother says she doesn't need help, say "OK" and move on with what you need to do. Who knows what her thinking is here. Just focus on getting through each day. Good luck.

@ Antst thank you.. for your support and advice .. your right x

With attendance allowance the person with the disability applies and if appropriate is awarded the money, not the person doing the care. The money is so the disabled person can pay for any needs she has so she could pay someone to do her shopping, run errands, housework etc.
It is only for persons over retirement age as they are not eligible to apply for PIP.

My nan died of COPD and one of my dearest friends is a bit older than me and has it in her mid 50s.

I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now.

My friend will never be on oxygen @Lolabray so clearly her symptoms being this bad is her fault.

(They don't give her oxygen because she admits to still smoking and so they said it's dangerous to give her it- it could cause an explosion that takes up several houses.)

The reality is that there's no cure for COPD. So how quickly someone seeks help maybe doesn't make much difference (unless they're able to give up the weed of course, which does help.)

Your comment made me angry to be honest, though I can imagine how it feels.

Yes they should never have smoked but people smoke for all sorts of reasons (a lifetime of severe abuse of numerous kinds in my friend's case) plus it's very addictive.

@me4real
Your comment made me angry to be honest, though I can imagine how it feels.

Sorry for making you feel angry. I know that feeling !

@me4real

And I was actually talking about my mum
No one else there so maybe you picked that up wrong

This has nothing to do with anyone other than my mum which I was pointing out to her she could have tried to get some help sooner.

@me4real - actually, that isn’t the only reason why people are not given oxygen. The machine @Lolabray described isn’t oxygen in tanks anyway, it’s a machine that concentrates the oxygen from the room air and pushes it though a cannula or a mask. It is nowhere near the concentration of O2 in tanks and is not flammable like them either.
However, the reason that patients with COPD are not given oxygen to rely on (as they once were, ages ago) is because just as the lungs are too damaged to effectively transport oxygen INTO the blood, they are also too damaged to transport toxins OUT of the blood. Over-use of O2 causes a dangerous buildup of carbon dioxide in the blood. Patients who go without it live longer.

@GeneLovesJezebel !! Your user name - there's a blast from the past. I haven't heard that name for years, i was transported straight back.

Thank you :)

(sorry OP)

My mum died of lung cancer 3 months ago, I'm not angry with her but I definitely am starting to feel angry at something about the reason she died. Hard to process.

[quote Laiste]**@GeneLovesJezebel !! Your user name - there's a blast from the past. I haven't heard that name for years, i was transported straight back.

Thank you :)

(sorry OP)[/quote]
You’re welcome 🤣