AIBU to get mad about parents self inflicted disease

[Lolabray]

I’m quite angry right now

My parent died of lung cancer 10 years ago. Now my mum has COPD which is getting progressively worse.

I’ve told her to go to the doctors to get oxygen before as she looked like she was gasping for breath.

She now has oxygen (roll on a year after me telling her). She is asking me to run errands and get things which is fine if I’m out passing shops etc

I have children on my own, work full time and am a single parent so have to sort the kids.

My relationship has also just broken down so I’m not in the best headspace as still hurting.

Today I have told her I can’t keep running about after everyone as I am going to get poorly and have enough on. I am being truthful about this.

I said you should have-got oxygen and gone and seen the doctor before her reply was I was ‘stropping off’ (she often does this) I said quite clearly no I’m not stropping off and you’re being rude. I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now.

No apology so I said right I’m going as not in the best frame of mind at the moment so am going.

I feel quite angry at her and it’s almost like she enjoys people running after her, she has reduced the quality of her own life to this, I am limited as to petrol etc financially and today it’s cost me money I don’t have to get these errands.. I just feel angry and resentful and am the only one around to do things my sibling doesn’t live nearby so it all falls on my shoulders.

When my kids were little she told me ‘you’ve made your bed lie in it’ when I asked for support and didn’t really get it. I feel like turning around and saying the same thing to her as she literally has ‘made her bed and is lying in it’.

Some chemists do free prescription delivery
Go to chemist, fill out the form leave the prescription
If it is a repeat prescription, DM can phone for the next delivery

‘ Full time work and supporting a parent for 35 hours/ week aren’t mutually exclusive.’

Very much this.

@Lolabray you are in a tough place right now.

Take a look at the CarersUK (CUK) website for information, advice & support for carers, which focuses on people like you rather than the person with the disability or chronic illness.

CARERS UK

You will find useful guidance about how to claim Carers Allowance when you are working, & this may hinge on your mother getting a benefit such as PIP considering how much help she requires to live independently. You’ll get sound trustworthy advice from the CUK web site & CUK helpline.

Carers UK helpline

Also CUK online forum is good place to engage, share & let off steam - everyone there knows what is like to be a carer.

Your Mum is facing a difficult & limited future which is hard enough for you to see & accept, plus her helplessness & the drudgery of it all, understandably you feel really pissed off when you already have enough on your plate.

With some support & help, I hope that you find a way ahead that allows you enough space for you & your Mum to have the relationship that you both need right now.

No-one should be forced to care.
But sometimes it is so very hard not to.
So YANBU to feel angry & mad.

I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now.

If she has COPD she has COPD @Lolabray . I don't think when the person goes on oxygen effects its progression.

But everything shouldn't be your responsibility- find any help for your mum that can be found to take some of the burden off you. x

Yes she may well get to a point when she needs more care but you don't need to be her carer. You can help her get help via adult social care and you can do things like organise online shops. Get her to top up a reloadable gift card for a supermarket and use that to order provisions. You might need to be quite forceful with social workers and healthcare providers that you are not your mother's carer. But if you're not, you're not, she doesn't have a carer and and eventually they get the message and organise support.

Echoing what @A4513 has said about avoiding becoming a carer at the detriment to your own family. My DM ran around after my grandmother like a blue arsed fly, dragging her to hospital appointments and the GP when my gran didn’t give a toss about doing anything to help herself. We were left alone from a young age due to DM juggling FT work and caring for gran and it really made an impact on our relationship. Gran was perfectly capable of organising things for herself, just preferred to let her daughter run around after her because it was easier.

Hi @Lolabray - I have a lot of empathy for you. My mum died of COPD (and lung cancer). I think you need to recognize that your resentment isn’t simply about her illness, but her attitude towards you. She may be using her illness as an excuse to get you to drop in because she’s lonely, etc… but she had no idea of your time constraints, own life pressures, emotional state, etc, and doesn’t seem to value your time. My mother never admitted that she even had COPD. Now that I am studying nursing (midlife crisis) I have discovered that this is actually quite common. A lot of COPD patients are deeply ashamed of this disease and what their smoking has done. It is a disease that comes with a social stigma and obviously a huge physical coat that takes a hell of a lot to come to terms with. People who choose to keep smoking and refuse to accept help to quit, despite knowing the risks are able to justify this decision to themselves. That mindset somehow often shifts into the denial of the disease phase, where they carry so much shame that they don’t want to be seen using the oxygen concentrator. (Not the same as oxygen tanks, btw… they’re dangerous for COPD patients at this stage.) She may only need it when showering and dressing at this stage, anyway.
Meanwhile, I have no doubt that your Mum is probably a difficult person, but she’s frightened. You absolutely have every reason to feel resentful, and you also have every right to create boundaries with your mother that work for you. Rather than being angry at her for refusing to see the doctor, etc… I think you’re going to have to accept that your mum is an adult who has every right (legally) to make decisions for herself - no matter how stupid you think they are… So if you suggest that she gets an online grocery order and she refuses, you have every right to say no when she asks you to collect stuff for her. If she refuses in-home care later, you have every right to refuse to set foot in her house until she is in hospital, etc…

Go to chemist, fill out the form leave the prescription
If it is a repeat prescription, DM can phone for the next delivery

It's worth checking if there's online access to the surgery because a lot of them will let you organise this entirely online.

You are not wrong to have boundaries over what you can and cannot do for your Mum. But you sound impatient and unkind and that’s not nice.

But you are very unreasonable to blame your mum for not going to the doctor sooner. There are complex reasons why people do not seek out medical attention; fear and denial being at the front. COPD is an awful illness. It’s not curable and getting oxygen sooner would have alleviated the shortness of breath at the time, but would not have done anything to halt its progression.

*physical cost, not coat, obvs

Btw, I also echo not becoming her carer at the expense of your family. I did this too. It was long and laborious and utterly, utterly thankless. Mum had been abusive when I was growing up and let’s just say, she didn’t mellow… I had ptsd afterwards.

Yes @UniversalAunt it's can be very hard not to get railroaded into becoming a carer, social services particularly can lay the guilt on. It's worthwhile being prepared for that and knowing that they're doing it because they want (and to a certain degree need) to avoid providing services. Not because they think adult children should provide care, but just that services are so stretched they'll do everything to avoid providing it themselves. It took a hospital to refuse to discharge my father before the twice daily visits from nurses were organised. You need to be prepared to be made to feel a bit heartless over the phone, but they don't know your mother, or the relationship that you have with her. Not everyone has the same relationships with their parents.

@Antst 🥺 I’m so sorry, that’s awful of her.

Neither of you should offer support not given to you. I don’t and I feel zero guilt about it.

@Fluffycloudland77 Thank you. I am offering her support from a distance and am really struggling not to feel guilty for not being there. My friend's advice really helped me and I hope it helps you and the original poster:

Let's do what we can so we know later on we've been the bigger people and don't ever have regrets about our behaviour. My mother has been awful at various times but now she's weak and scared and I can't cut her off completely so am doing what I can for her in the same way I'd help a wounded animal on the street.

Soooooo
A crappy mum who was married to a loving dad is dying and you are Angry with her because she is now needy and you don’t feel like being loving and warm when she hurt you so much in the past ??

My advice

1. Get therapy go see gp and tell them abusive mum is dying and you need help
2. Be clear with mum what you can and can’t provide in the way of care and contact adult social services to fill the gaps
3. Focus on you and your kids and try to not to feel guilty
4. Spend time with supportive friends and family

How old is your DM and how long has she had copd

I've been telling drs about health problems from Dec 1999 and got not help had to got private and found lifelong disabilities. So maybe is she went to drs on lockdown she might not of got help. Maybe suggest about getting someone else to help regularly. I get family should help but you have alot on and kids.

@Justilou1
She may be using her illness as an excuse to get you to drop in because she’s lonely, etc… but she had no idea of your time constraints, own life pressures, emotional state, etc, and doesn’t seem to value your time

This.. last week when we helped after ten minutes she said right you can go now.. I just thought how rude and told her this.

@ Justilou1

76 x

nitsandwormsdodger

Soooooo
A crappy mum who was married to a loving dad is dying and you are Angry with her because she is now needy and you don’t feel like being loving and warm when she hurt you so much in the past ??

Yes I agree I have had some therapy about my mum we do tend to get on ok, today was too much as a trigger from when my dad had lung cancer, I felt the same annoyance and anger, I suppose I’m only human and she acts like it is nothing, then I walk in and see this massive blue machine I’m like wtaf .. I thought it would be a bottle of oxygen? The previous week she’d gone on about how I’ll she was now this is sorted she’s suddenly acting better but to me I’m not sure if she is even using it.

Let's do what we can so we know later on we've been the bigger people and don't ever have regrets about our behaviour. My mother has been awful at various times but now she's weak and scared and I can't cut her off completely so am doing what I can for her in the same way I'd help a wounded animal on the street.

I do what I can without resentment usually but I have just found something awful about my partner and had to end the relationship so I am grieving that plus trying to look after 2 dogs 2 kids and a parent it is not easy x

@Lolabray, yes, it's not easy at all. You have a lot to deal with and there's so little help available now.

Like I said, do what you can. You're obviously overwhelmed and I think it would help you to sit down and work out a schedule. How much time do you have after dealing with your job and everything at home?

Then I would go over to your mother's house and work with her to get more help. Have her participate in looking up charities and government services and contacting them. I think that way she'll be more likely to see what you're dealing with and to start playing a more active role in her care.

There's that saying that the universe is not fair and this is a good example. It's not fair that you have this on your plate too. Unfortunately, illness happens and honestly, if it weren't this, it would be something else at some point. I intend this advice to help you: try to accept that bad things happen, focus on what you can do and getting help for what you can't do, and that after this is all over, you'll have more time to rest and achieve your own goals.

Thank you I have contacted my sister and then my mum said she doesn’t need any help .. so there we go

@Lolabray

Thank you I have contacted my sister and then my mum said she doesn’t need any help .. so there we go

My mum says the same to my sibling, my aunts, the neighbours etc.

'If you don't need any help I'll step back then, yes?'

@Fuuuuuckit

Precisely

Then gets mad with me for texting my sister saying she does not need help