AIBU to get mad about parents self inflicted disease

[Lolabray]

I’m quite angry right now

My parent died of lung cancer 10 years ago. Now my mum has COPD which is getting progressively worse.

I’ve told her to go to the doctors to get oxygen before as she looked like she was gasping for breath.

She now has oxygen (roll on a year after me telling her). She is asking me to run errands and get things which is fine if I’m out passing shops etc

I have children on my own, work full time and am a single parent so have to sort the kids.

My relationship has also just broken down so I’m not in the best headspace as still hurting.

Today I have told her I can’t keep running about after everyone as I am going to get poorly and have enough on. I am being truthful about this.

I said you should have-got oxygen and gone and seen the doctor before her reply was I was ‘stropping off’ (she often does this) I said quite clearly no I’m not stropping off and you’re being rude. I was pointing out that if she had gone a year ago perhaps she wouldn’t be like this now.

No apology so I said right I’m going as not in the best frame of mind at the moment so am going.

I feel quite angry at her and it’s almost like she enjoys people running after her, she has reduced the quality of her own life to this, I am limited as to petrol etc financially and today it’s cost me money I don’t have to get these errands.. I just feel angry and resentful and am the only one around to do things my sibling doesn’t live nearby so it all falls on my shoulders.

When my kids were little she told me ‘you’ve made your bed lie in it’ when I asked for support and didn’t really get it. I feel like turning around and saying the same thing to her as she literally has ‘made her bed and is lying in it’.

[quote Flossieskeeper]@SparklingLime - I know. Full time work and supporting a parent for 35 hours/ week aren’t mutually exclusive.[/quote]
But working FT and earning £128 or less per week after tax and NI is, so OP would not be eligible for CA.

If she’s needing help she needs to contact Social Services, and make it very clear what you are and aren’t prepared to do.

@CorrBlimeyGG read into it thanks

Even when COPD is the most obvious diagnosis, anyone who is that breathless ought to be assessed for stiff heart muscle aka heart failure.

COPD and stiff heart muscle are horribly debilitating and they can have a substantial impact on people's stamina and mobility which affects their physical and emotional quality of life.

It's much easier written than done, OP but I agree with everyone who has said that you can not be running around for her like this. There's nothing to prevent your sister from organising online shopping and deliveries or taking care of other day to day stuff that can be done remotely..

I was more cross as when I got there she said I’m off out later for some fresh air meaning she’s off for a drive in her car. If that’s the case then she could have gone to the shop and picked the stuff up she had me driving around for earlier. I give up today.

OP, I know exactly what you mean. My FIL had COPD caused by smoking. He had a quadruple heart bypass about 15 years before he died and over the following years he was offered various rehab courses to try to improve the efficiency of his heart and lungs and every time he turned them down saying 'maybe when he felt a bit better'. Of course he was never going to feel better.

MIL has had T2 diabetes for decades but never bothered properly controlling it and has a very sweet tooth. Now she has all the complications including advanced dementia and for the last three years before she went into a home I was doing all the shopping, DH was doing all the sorting of carers, jobs around the house etc for both of them. Thankfully money wasn't an issue for us and it didn't interfere too much with family life.

You have my sympathy.

What sort of things is she asking you to do? Can she get out at all? Maybe put some limits in place eg you will do some shopping on a set day when you’re doing your own or will be in town. It’s so easy to obtain things delivered to your home these days- online pharmacy, Amazon prime, online shop. Could she set all of those up or would she need help. Also maybe get the information from her GP about how to set up volunteer drivers for appointments. Refer her to CAB or other services to check she’s getting disability benefits (these will enable other services, as well as probably allow her to reclaim transport to hospital cost). She will need help but the expectation shouldn’t be that it will all be provided by you. It shouldn’t be, you’ve got enough on your plate! Possibly just help her to access all these services if she can’t do that alone

Just seen she’s willing and able to drive, Has she got a blue badge?

It sounds like you have quite enough on your plate as it is. Your dcs need you, and endless stress is bad for you. You need to draw a firm line or it will make you ill.

Having COPD doesn't prevent her from being organised, getting all her shopping in one go, looking for charity support and being considerate of your needs. I'd see her once a week, try to get a routine established that you can both cope with but make it clear, you are not able to fetch and carry for her.

@BungleandGeorge yes she has a blue badge and drives

My father had COPD but lived in a different country. He died of an AAA in the end (horrific) but he didn't have long anyway. I am always sad that he didn't live to see his grandchildren grow up, when he could easily have lived another 10 years if he'd quit smoking, but I see it as a very powerful addiction. He knew it would kill him, my mother left him over it, (among other things but she said it was part of his selfishness), he was bankrupt from all the medical bills, and still carried on.

In your situation, I don't think going on oxygen sooner would have helped her, but I can see why you're angry.

When my kids were little she told me ‘you’ve made your bed lie in it’ when I asked for support and didn’t really get it.

This was my parents. I cared for my dad until he passed away from lung cancer. I then cared for my mum until she passed a few months later of cancer.
It never once occurred to me that as it was self inflicted I shouldn’t care. I ended up getting taxis over 100miles with my disabled son as my family who lived near them didn’t want to help.

However I had a lovely relationship with them and although I miss them both terribly it makes me happy that I did everything I could and was there for them when they needed me.

If you’re really struggling there are charities that can help, I wouldn’t be mean though as she might have been scared to go to the doctor, unable to quit smoking, you don’t know the full story of her feelings about it all.
Set the boundaries - I can do a,b and c on these days and I’m happy to pop round for a cuppa and help you tidy up on that day but I’m busy the rest of the week etc

@MintJulia yes you are right. her house is in good tidy order. When I went there there was this big blue machine in the
kitchen which must have been the oxygen unit. She wasn’t using it. however I just don’t have it in me right now to run around after someone else when I keep having emotional breakdowns and am trying to hold things together for my kids and ensure I am mums taxi and cooking meals etc etc my kids are my life and have been through enough themselves so I want to put them first as a parent

[quote Laiste]**@Fuuuuuckit i hear you.

''When you get my prescription can you 'pop' to tesco (20 min drive the other way) for 2 parsnips? Oh and get some cash out but not at one of those machines because i want 5s. Oh and post this but not at tesco i'm sure they only collect once a week from there ...''.

(this is all usually the day after i've done her weekly shop).[/quote]
Ha, it's crumpets for my mum, and anything else she randomly fancies, the day after I've dropped off her shopping, or the day after my shopping has been delivered.

My grandma would have completely embraced the online world - and the ease it would have brought to her life 20+ years ago. But my mum is fiercely independent, and sees me facilitating her current choices as maintaining that independence.

Foot down time OP.

@GeneLovesJezebel You seem to have blind faith in social services. I was a carer and when I was in hospital with injuries I had to get out early because I knew social services would provide no help at all. I did phone and ask but it was admitted that I phoned but apparently I did not mention aa car crash or the injuries or being in hospital.
Do not rely on social services

It’s pointless and unproductive and likely to get someone’s back up to basically tell them they made their bed and now they have to lie in it, especially if you’re fairly blunt about it. It was pointless and unproductive when your mum said it to you and it’s the same when you say it to her.

That doesn’t mean your anger isn’t justified. Just that there is no point being mad about it and especially no point voicing that to her. Use your anger to help you feel okay about setting reasonable boundaries with her for what you’re prepared to do. Then stick to them in a breezy way. Don’t let her make her problems your problems.

Aspects of medium chill might be useful.

My DH gets Attendance Allowance. You don't become entitled to it until six months after the trigger event. My DH had a stroke but I guess with COPD it would be the point at which you could no longer run your own errands. It is not means tested and DH gets it in addition to his pension.

Carers Allowance is means tested and if you get more than about £128 per week you're not entitled. That includes state pension. I wfh so can't claim.

Age Concern will help with the form for Attendance Allowance which is 29 pages long and requires supporting documentation. They do contact the GP/hospital.

My DSis has COPD and is almost but not quite housebound. I don't know what we'll do when she reaches that stage but she ain't coming here! It would be unbearable for DH and I. I worry about it, but I can't give almost full time care to DH and look after DSis and wfh..... I understand the OP's problem - and think when it comes to it, then her mum might be better off in care.

I get it. I have had similar issues with my parents.

On the errand side of things - what errands? Groceries and prescriptions can be delivered and there's Amazon too. If she can't do the online thing herself you can do it for her I was doing this for my parents during lockdown until they got their heads around the supermarket deliveries at least, and their gp organises their prescription deliveries for them (they have a very good surgery)

I still order Amazon for them and then once a month or so they transfer the funds back to me.

There are also smaller/independent delivery options as many discovered during lockdown. Can these be utilised?

You do also need to ensure she has applied for and is getting all the help she is eligible for - both practically and financially.

This is no time to be proud!

Help her to find workarounds and disability aids etc too. It's better to get these things in place earlier rather than later so you are used to using them. I am also disabled and foolishly resisted getting and using certain equipment then once I did get it I was like "you bloody idiot! You've been making your life harder for no good reason than pride!"

It's hard to make the mental adjustment though to be fair

[quote User57327259]@GeneLovesJezebel You seem to have blind faith in social services. I was a carer and when I was in hospital with injuries I had to get out early because I knew social services would provide no help at all. I did phone and ask but it was admitted that I phoned but apparently I did not mention aa car crash or the injuries or being in hospital.
Do not rely on social services[/quote]
I don’t have any faith in them due to my own experience, but the mum needs to see that if she needs help she needs to pay for it or seek it from SS.

To be ho eat it sounds more like you have issues with your mum that likely stem from how you were treated as a child and therefore now don’t want or feel able to help her as a result.

There is nothing wrong with that. It’s ok to not do these things for her if they are detrimental to you.

Outside of that I echo the other poster who asked if you would be able to access some kind of therapy to help you with this.

I'm in exactly this situation. I found out two days ago that my mother has terminal cancer and spent this morning being yelled at by her awful relatives for not being anywhere near her.

She didn't provide even basics like tampons or clothing when I was a child and didn't stop my father from being very violent. I once asked her for £20 when I had had nothing to eat for three days and she wouldn't give it to me--but had hundreds to give to my sibling for his hobbies and clothing.

It's not that I'm trying to be unsupportive. I had to build my own life without any help whatsoever from my parents. I left home at 16 and lived in risky situations because even though I worked every waking hour, I couldn't earn enough to do better. Then I got scholarships to go to university and get a PhD and her family has done nothing but throw abuse at me ever since.

I don't mean to go on about me, but would like you to understand how common this kind of situation is. Unfortunately, it is often the bad parents who get themselves into bad situations and that puts even more pressure on their children.

A friend who had to deal with this kind of situation just told me that I should offer my mother what I can because I'll have to live with myself afterwards and I recommend you take that approach. Your mother may not deserve your support, but it's human nature to feel guilty. You need to fulfill your obligations towards your kids and make sure you keep a roof over your head by going to work. Ask yourself what you can offer after those obligations are met.

I understand why you're angry. I was the same a few years ago. To me, it sounds like you are still hanging on to a hope that I also used to have, where you think that if you're clear enough, your mother will change. Sadly, I doubt she will at this point. You need to focus on helping her meet her needs. Like I said, do what you can and try to organize charity care for her for the things you can't do. Look around online for charities that deal with COPD. Good luck.

My mom had a lump in her breast and did nothing for 18 months. Didn't tell anyone. She decided to get a first consultation in August 2018 where breast cancer and secondary liver cancer were confirmed. She was gone 18 months later. I was really angry like you. I must have looked awful in the hospital appointments as I kept asking her why she'd left it - God knows what the nurses must have thought! And I ran round like a blue arse fly as well - working FT, my own chores etc. And I had quite a poor relationship with her - my advice is do what you can, with a good heart. You'll have all the time in the world to worry if you did enough - so make a care plan now and don't beat yourself up.

www.carersuk.org/ These people look after the carers, paid and unpaid. I'm an unpaid carer, they got me a letter to use during lockdown to access the priority times at the supermarkets. Have a look at their site, there's lots of useful info.

Re your mum, I understand your frustration, She's not going to change, so you must. You said you've a sibling living some distance away - well get them to do anything which can be done online ie food, meds, banking, and you do the stuff which can only be done in person ie cash withdrawal, home check etc. Make it clear to mum and sibling you're not available 24 hours a day just because of geography, remind them you're a single mum with DC to look after with no spare cash and that you'll be expecting a modest amount of petrol money. Try to draw up a schedule of visits eg once per week pop in to drop off cash, collect anything for posting, general eye on things and stick to it. As she's still able to drive, tell her you expect her to run her own errands for now.

I understand your feelings of 'she did this to herself' - it's OK to vent! Especially as despite your feelings, you're still looking after her. You're doing an amazing job, but now it's time to set boundaries and get others to help too before the inveitable disease progression and she becomes more dependent.

Your Mum certainly isn't on her own in having made lifestyle choices that have affected her health. It's also true that seeing the doctor last year probably wouldn't have made much difference.
Sometimes we have less control over our health and fitness than people like to think.
That said, you aren't in a position to run round after her.
A bit of planning now could save a lot of work in the future. She can phone the pharmacy and arrange a delivery service for her medications.
Does she use the internet? If not you can set her up with online shopping.
She can claim attendance allowance and use it to pay a cleaner. If she is still driving around she can pick up light things like bread and milk herself. She might not be quite at that stage yet but it's good to have everything in place ready.
This is all assuming that she is mentally capable and there are no issues with memory or confusion.
I really understand that you are frustrated but blaming her for her ill health and holding resentment is only stressing you. Better to get practical.
In response to a poster up thread, being fiercely independant doesn't involve having your family running round after you, it involves doing as much as you can yourself, paying for help to the extent you can afford to and liaising with agencies to get support.

..and as another poster said, your sibling can do some of the online stuff from a distance if your mother isn't capable herself. It doesn't all need to fall to you.