Would you consider this an emotional affair?

[WouldYouHaveAproblem]

Firstly this is a hypothetical question, the background first:

I have a very close male friend, we're both single so no issues. We have an emotionally intimate relationship, we spend quality time together, we confide in each other, we message regularly and we exchange hugs and kisses emojis. In person we only ever hug hello and goodbye (no other physical intimacy). We've joked about being in a 'platonic relationship' and we both date other people. Neither of us have been in a relationship since we became friends (a couple of years). And no that's not related to us being friends, we've just not met anyone we want to be in a relationship with (and no, we don't want to be in a relationship with each other).

So here's the question. Yesterday we were having a discussion about when one of us meets someone else and I said, that our friendship will in all likelihood be a problem for a new partner of his. He vehemently denies this and says "it'll be a non negotiable and if she doesn't accept my pre existing friendships and trust me on that it'll never work". I said it's not about the friendship itself, but the depth of the friendship and how much emotional energy you give it that would be a problem. He said, "I have enough emotional energy for both".

How would you feel? (..and the fact that we aren't in a relationship with each other isn't the discussion point here).

YABU - an emotionally intimate friendship with a man who is in a relationship is always an EA
YANBU - if the friendship precedes the relationship I wouldn't consider it an EA

Not sure why you would think this is a.- potential - emotional affair? Neither of you fancy each other.

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Not sure why you would think this is a.- potential - emotional affair? Neither of you fancy each other.

Sorry if I didn't make my question clear. I'm asking from the perspective of his future partner.

If you were his future partner, would you feel threatened by the closeness and 'emotional intimacy' of our friendship?

He can’t see it but when he did meet someone it would tail off naturally because he would want it to.
He’s just proving his loyalty to you in response to your question (test?) which in my opinion makes it a bit more than a friendship) but it would die off soon enough in the presence of someone he actually wanted to be with.

Unless of course the whole thing would become an ego trip for one or both of you, and turn into ‘but we’re just ‘FRIENDS’’ nonsense

Have you two discussed getting together?

Wouldn’t bother me at all because I know that in the real world, outside of MN, men and women can be close friends without there being any sexual attraction

Depends if I spent time with you together if it felt like there was something more or sexual chemistry that you just hadn’t addressed or admitted yet. If there was nothing and the woman was nice to me then no.
If she was stand-off ish or competitive then yes
And if he confided in her but not me, then yes

I don’t think it’s as simple as female friend = bad

Seems a bit odd that you don't want a relationship when you are effectively in one minus sex.

I could see future partners on both sides having a slight issue with this to be honest. You'll have the 'cool' woman comments of course who don't care about any interaction with the opposite sex by their partner even when it's highly suspicious, but I would find this a bit odd. Even if it was with someone of the same sex I'd find it a bit odd and wonder if they have struggled to come to terms with being homosexual. Because it does sound like an actual relationship and you're even calling it an emotional affair, you know this has gone beyond friendship.

Maybe you should rethink what you actually want with this man. You are no longer friends, you are more than that.

I was in this exact situation, where I had a deep existing friendship with a male friend, that preceded my relationship with my now husband.

There are some additional complicating details, but it caused a lot of grief in our early days and probably only worked because we were so young. I’m not sure an adult with their shit together would accept it.

It might depend what he was like with other friends? Is his style of communicating like this in general? I would generally consider lots of kisses and hearts in messages to be a relationship thing. To balance that, if you honestly aren’t flirtatious in person, it might be ok.

@Marmm

Have you two discussed getting together?

Yes and we aren't compatible.

In all honesty, yes I could see future partners on both sides taking issue with your friendship. Whilst I agree that you aren't doing anything wrong, I wouldn't want to fight for attention and affection from my partner. I wouldn't want to be second best to their female best friend who they themselves joke they're in a relationship with.

It’s not the emotional energy really, it’s the emotional energy compared to what they give their partner.

So a potential partner may feel threatened if they feel like you are getting more attention and emotional investment. But if he’s right that he has plenty of emotional energy and won’t make his partner feel sidelined, it shouldn’t be a problem.

I think it would be fine then. He would probably cool down relations with you naturally as he spent time with his romantic partner and you'd naturally cool down your relationship without even really noticing. He'll be so busy being loved up.

Yup, as a woman who has always had close, male pals, I would be fucking horrified if a partner wanted me to stop seeing my friends, and vice versa. It's 2022 not 1722.

I think it really depends on the transparency and the intent, OP.

My husband has many female friends he's known long before me who both send hugs and kisses messages to each other. He's stayed with them while in their country and vice versa. I've met them and have no qualms with any of this. In fact, I get along with these women really well and now consider them my friends too (bearing in mind they live elsewhere and the messages aren't anywhere near as regular as they are for you).

In saying that, there have been two women since I met my husband 11 years ago who got my back up. Only two and he has a lot of female friends. This suggests there was something else at play going on. I felt their intent was not friendship.

So I kind of feel if there is nothing romantic about your friendship and you're both transparent about it there should be no issue. In theory. But that doesn't mean there won't be. I also know once you get into a serious relationship you really don't have the same level of emotional energy for a friend, especially if you end up having kids. If you're being realistic.

We have an emotionally intimate relationship, we spend quality time together, we confide in each other, we message regularly and we exchange hugs and kisses emojis

If I was his partner I'd be unhappy about this level of friendship. Apart from anything else, this type of communication you would mean he'd have less time for his relationship with me. He'd be with me but.....with you . It wouldn't work for me.

He might assert that I have enough emotional energy for both but in real life I don't think this is possible. It might stroke his ego to think he could have two women hanging on his every word ( or emoji) but I'd rather have a man who wants to be with me in every sense of the word .

If my partner had a friend at that level , I'd be gone.

@AllOfUsAreDead

Seems a bit odd that you don't want a relationship when you are effectively in one minus sex.

I could see future partners on both sides having a slight issue with this to be honest. You'll have the 'cool' woman comments of course who don't care about any interaction with the opposite sex by their partner even when it's highly suspicious, but I would find this a bit odd. Even if it was with someone of the same sex I'd find it a bit odd and wonder if they have struggled to come to terms with being homosexual. Because it does sound like an actual relationship and you're even calling it an emotional affair, you know this has gone beyond friendship.

Maybe you should rethink what you actually want with this man. You are no longer friends, you are more than that.

As I said in my OP we've talked about being in a platonic relationship so yes...we acknowledge the 'relationship minus sex' element. But we're both happy with what we have. This is not the discussion point.

At one point since we've been friends he considered getting back with an ex and she had a problem with our friendship (he was up front about it)...but their relationship preceded our friendship so I get that...they didn't end up getting back together. At the time I said to him that the way around that was to introduce us so that I would be someone she could get to know too rather than the 'scary fictitious' woman who is a threat to her relationship. He accepted that as a way forward at the time.

You might find that it tails off a bit.

I had a very intimate friendship like that with my best friend (gay man) in our early twenties. We were eachother's 'person' and were basically a couple without sex.

When we got into relationships with other people, the constant communication stopped and we saw less of eachother. We are still great friends though and when we fo get together it's as fun and relaxed as it always was.

It won't be a problem I'd imagine, one of you will meet someone, fall head over heels and the closeness of your current relationship will naturally decline. If his future partner has an issue with your relationship, if she's the one he wants to be with, prepare to be dropped. He may say he has emotional energy for both but it's not really about that. He may think your friendship is non negotiable now but that will change when he's loved up. I had a friend just like this many years ago, we now speak/see each other every 2/3 years, I couldn't have imagined this at the time (his partner hated our closeness and he made his choice, don't blame him for that). X

Honestly, it would put me off dating him. It's not an affair - it's pretty existing and you're honest about it - but however you feel, in my experience straight men don't do this with female friends without sexual feeling and I don't think he'd be all in elsewhere. It also sounds a bit cloying to be near to.

I wouldn't blame you, or him. It is what it is but it's not attractive in a partner.

Pre existing. Autocorrect.

As another poster said, if it's all very up front and open then I wouldn't have an issue with your friendship. The first sign of any dishonesty or sneakiness and I would.

I've known a few guys with female friends where they just act a bit shady and that's the worry. One liked to have lots of female friends which is fine but was flirty and suggestive which was not and his girlfriend understandably did not like it at all.

It really worries me when people say things like 'you won't have time for each other when relationships and kids come along'.
You know the ones, get married and ditch all their mates, stop going out etc

Surely they're the ones on here 10 years later because they've been cheated on and don't have any friends irl to talk to.

EVERYONE I BEG YOU, DON'T DITCH YOUR MATES FOR A BLOKE!

It’s likely that your friendship is this intense now because you are both single and have that time to give to each other. That will most likely change and evolve as one or both of you get into relationships. Not saying you’ll ditch each other as soon as you find partners, but it would be normal and natural for you to cool off a little once you have romantic relationships in the mix.

My husband has several very close female friends, and their friendships sound a lot like yours. There were some teething problems in the early days, not to do with me being jealous but more to do with the friends not quite knowing where they fitted once he had a girlfriend, and still expecting him to be free to meet up or drop everything for a chat at any given moment. But we all adapted quickly and now they’re good friends of mine too.

I also agree that it would depend a lot on the ‘vibe’ the two of you give off in person and whether there’s obvious sexual tension there. I only had to meet my husband’s friends for a second to know that there was absolutely zero chance of anything happening with any of them. There was just no sexual or romantic chemistry there. But I know he did have one other female friend (who I never met) who there was some history and flirtation with, and they naturally drifted apart once he met me.

@Anniegetyourgun76

It won't be a problem I'd imagine, one of you will meet someone, fall head over heels and the closeness of your current relationship will naturally decline. If his future partner has an issue with your relationship, if she's the one he wants to be with, prepare to be dropped. He may say he has emotional energy for both but it's not really about that. He may think your friendship is non negotiable now but that will change when he's loved up. I had a friend just like this many years ago, we now speak/see each other every 2/3 years, I couldn't have imagined this at the time (his partner hated our closeness and he made his choice, don't blame him for that). X

I agree with this. And yes I'm prepared for it and would never blame him for it. I've told him that if I put myself in his future partner's shoes I would probably have an issue with him investing so much energy in another woman.

I have close male friends - however with one of them pretty much exactly the situation you described arose and we had to take a step back. We’re still close but we don’t message every day any more, we don’t joke about getting married one day (he’s now married to someone else lol) I am no longer the only person he confides in etc.

I’m really happy for him cos he’s moved into a marriage and obviously I expect that to take precedence over our friendship. It wasn’t difficult to recalibrate our relationship because we DIDNT fancy each other, we’d just ended up in a platonic relationship, as you described.

I think realistically if either of you get into a relationship you will distance yourselves from each other somewhat, despite what he says now. If he’s really that keen to maintain your level of intimacy when also in a relationship I might think he’s not being entirely honest with himself about how he feels about you. Even with my female friends, when someone starts a new relationship there’s often a period where they go a bit awol cos their spending so much time with their new partner.

TLDR: you’ll probably find this situation sorts itself out either when you do end up with other people

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

Yup, as a woman who has always had close, male pals, I would be fucking horrified if a partner wanted me to stop seeing my friends, and vice versa. It's 2022 not 1722.

This!