Would you consider this an emotional affair?

[WouldYouHaveAproblem]

Firstly this is a hypothetical question, the background first:

I have a very close male friend, we're both single so no issues. We have an emotionally intimate relationship, we spend quality time together, we confide in each other, we message regularly and we exchange hugs and kisses emojis. In person we only ever hug hello and goodbye (no other physical intimacy). We've joked about being in a 'platonic relationship' and we both date other people. Neither of us have been in a relationship since we became friends (a couple of years). And no that's not related to us being friends, we've just not met anyone we want to be in a relationship with (and no, we don't want to be in a relationship with each other).

So here's the question. Yesterday we were having a discussion about when one of us meets someone else and I said, that our friendship will in all likelihood be a problem for a new partner of his. He vehemently denies this and says "it'll be a non negotiable and if she doesn't accept my pre existing friendships and trust me on that it'll never work". I said it's not about the friendship itself, but the depth of the friendship and how much emotional energy you give it that would be a problem. He said, "I have enough emotional energy for both".

How would you feel? (..and the fact that we aren't in a relationship with each other isn't the discussion point here).

YABU - an emotionally intimate friendship with a man who is in a relationship is always an EA
YANBU - if the friendship precedes the relationship I wouldn't consider it an EA

Seems a bit odd that you don't want a relationship when you are effectively in one minus sex.

Is that not the definition of most friendships?

I don’t think it’s an EA whether it started when you were in a relationship or not. It’a a friendship.

When you do start relationships it will naturally distance a bit, but will still be there.

Anyone who has a problem w it is not worth having a relationship with. Of course that could happen, but I can’t think of any examples in my social circle where it has.

@WitchyStarLight

From your last update OP you're in emotional relationship territory. You have formed an unhealthy attachment to this man. I have friends from primary school and I wouldn't make such a claim. They could move to Australia and I'd never see them again but be happy for their new life ect.

This friendship might be holding you back from dating and being in a real relationship.

Which part of what I've said do you consider unhealthy? I absolutely feel an attachment to him (no denial) but it doesn't stop me dating and I prioritise dating over meeting up with him.
My question in this thread is less about how I will feel (I'm prepared for a change of dynamic) and more about how his future partner might feel about the dynamic of our friendship.

@Luredbyapomegranate

I don’t think it’s an EA whether it started when you were in a relationship or not. It’a a friendship.

When you do start relationships it will naturally distance a bit, but will still be there.

Anyone who has a problem w it is not worth having a relationship with. Of course that could happen, but I can’t think of any examples in my social circle where it has.

This is the sensible response I was hoping for (and would be my position)

A ‘lot’ of relationships in your 50s can be about companionship and friendship just as much as any romantic element and as @ChristmasFluff nicely put, the pair of you could easily make someone else feel an outsider- I certainly feel most women would expect you to dial it back a little

I think I’d respond to this on a case by case basis. I’d want to meet the female friend and work out if I felt the dynamic was 100 % platonic or not. Also realistically we only have so much emotional energy and so much time so if either of you got in a relationship the practicalities of investing in that would prevent this friendship from being as intense, even if you both attempted to keep it exactly the same.

I dunno, sounds like a kind of brother/sister relationship to me. Nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be blood related to form that kind of close friendship. Most emotionally mature adults should be able to recognise this.

For me the part that would bother me is that you have discussed being in a relationship, meaning that the intent was there at some point for either both of one of you.

I've never discussed being in a relationship with any of my close male friends because, well we are friends.

My DP has no problem with me going out alone with my male friends.

I guess it could depend on if you too, communicat e more with each other than your oh, about various issues, yes trust issues from the other partners could arise, weather justified or not. As your current measures are, it would be an emotional relationship, if you were dating other people.

It's not the norm to be pondering these things whilst in a friendship. I am worried you are going to either ruin his relationship prospects (and your own), or be very hurt in the future. No one has endless emotional energy, and those who claim they do, are often simply not committed. You may not know how you really feel about him, until he does meet someone else. I hope things work out OK, and future partners don't suffer because of this situation. If I was your male friend, and you brought this up, little alarm bells would be ringing.

Just because we were discussing it yesterday and we disagreed...

But why were you discussing it? Why are you still pondering it a day later and inviting opinions on it? This isn't the sign of something that really is a total and obvious non issue.

I'd take what he says with a large helping of salt. If he falls in love, he'll jump through hoops to win and keep her, and your friendship will fall by the wayside.

I don't think a new partner would consider this an emotional affair, I think they'd think they were the affair as you've clearly established each other as number 1 in each other's lives and haven't really left any space for anyone else.

It's not that I think men and women can't be friends but anyone seeing someone who says someone else is a non negotiable who will always come first is kind of on a hiding to nothing. Maybe I'm selfish but if a romantic partner expressed that the best I could ever hope for is one day being equal to a person they consider me secondbest to I wouldn't be enthused.

If it is genuinely just a friendship and you have no romantic interest in each other then it wouldn’t be an EA should one of you meet someone, just a regular friendship. It’s only a concern if you do have feelings for each other.

I think he's being naive.

Let's say he's got some big news from work - a promotion or a disciplinary. He gets into his car and calls you and tells you all about it. That's what he's always done.

How does he think his wife would feel about that? He'd get home and as she'd be the second person he'd told, he would have calmed down - it would no longer be such big news. Then if she made a comment and he said, "Oh yes, that's what OP said..." how does he think that conversation would go?

I would not have an issue with this had it been a friendship that had a long history (ie, decades). Then the emotional entanglement is understandable.
If it is under 2 years, as in your case, and such closeness has already developed, I'd be at least wary.

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Not sure why you would think this is a.- potential - emotional affair? Neither of you fancy each other.

And it’s not an affair if you’re both single

No I wouldn't consider it an emotional affair but I probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him.

My DH had a relationship like this with a female friend when we first met over 10 years ago. It slightly bothered me at first some of their inside jokes and flirty banter did bother me but not enough to say anything or cause a fuss and I soon realised there was nothing romantic between them. It did eventually fizzle out as both got married, had kids, moved away etc and they haven't spoken in years now which is a shame I guess as they were so close for a very long time.

‘Not compatible’ doesn’t mean ‘don’t fancy each other’ though.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

Yup, as a woman who has always had close, male pals, I would be fucking horrified if a partner wanted me to stop seeing my friends, and vice versa. It's 2022 not 1722.

Me too BUT I would consider it normal to see the friend a bit less just because I'd be busy with a new boyfriend. Same goes for any friendships with other female friends. When people get into relationships they have a bit less time for friends usually. Totally normal and not a big problem as long as you manage to keep the friendship going.

"I have friends from primary school and I wouldn't make such a claim. They could move to Australia and I'd never see them again but be happy for their new life ect."

I'm always sad when a friend moves away. I think that's normal.

Is it not a case of that your friendship has kind of taken on a "stand in partner" situation.

Given the absence of partners for either of you, the friendship has intensified as the is no partner to share the most important aspects of your life with.

If either of you find a partner, then there will automatically be a shift in the friendship, where you/he will become the second portion of call rather than the first. If you/he remain the first choice to share the emotional moments with, then it will create a problem for any new relationship. If not, then it's not a problem.

Unless either of you have unacknowledged feelings for either other or are likely to be jealous of a new partnership, it shouldn't be a problem.

The fact you are asking the question is the piece that suggests there may be more going on for you than you realise.

@Gwenhwyfar it wasn't about being sad. My comment was in relation to OPs belief that they will always be friends. It feels a bit possessive to me. I may be wrong but that's how it came across.

I am in my thirties with friends still from primary school. I don't think about whether we'll always be friends or not or have such a strong conviction that we will always be friends. It's not something to even think about. If they wanted to up sticks and move and not be part of our monthly meal out anymore and our friendship faded I wouldn't begrudge them that because I don't have that sort of attachment to them. In my friendship group we've all at one point faded away and then came back. There's no bitterness or grudge because so and so got married and had dc and stopped seeing us because they were busy and now dc have grown up they're back. I think true friendship is not based on attachment and ownership. I wouldn't make a claim on a friend like OP and her friend make on each other.

But I may be projecting. It's just my opinion on what the OP has said in her posts that ring a few bells that the friendship isn't a pure friendship, it's an emotional relationship. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with OPs friend and so wouldn't get in one. I like to be the main woman in a partners life - whether that's selfish or not I know my own limitations. That isn't to say any partner I have can't have friends of either sex, I just am happy in relationships where I'm the person who gets called first when there's good or bad news.

" I think true friendship is not based on attachment and ownership. I wouldn't make a claim on a friend like OP and her friend make on each other."

Definitely not ownership, but attachment, yes.
It sounds like friends don't play an important part in your life. If you only see them once a month I can understand how you wouldn't care if they moved away, but if you were single and relied on your friends, wouldn't it be normal to feel differently? Doesn't mean you're in love with them or anything.

"I like to be the main woman in a partners life - whether that's selfish or not I know my own limitations."

I'd like to be the main person so a friendship that is put before the relationship would bother me, but that would be the same whether it's a male or female friend.