Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be a little bit upset at my dad?

26 replies

sophierosie · 31/12/2007 10:17

Yesterday we spent the day at my dad & stepmum's having 'xmas day'. Lovely day as stepsister, her husband and 2 children were there so my dd loved playing with them etc.

It came to present giving time as everyone was going to open presents together and as stepsister and husband opened all their lovely presents from my dad and stepmum we were handed one present which was a really cheap photo frame - and that was it - to be honest it was a bit embarrassing as my dad obviously couldn't be bothered to put any effort into thinking about a present. I'd spent loads of time making a hamper for them with lovely goodies and a really nice bottle of wine that I knew they'd enjoy.

I know its only a present, but I have so many issues with my dad as although I know he loves me, he just makes me feel like he couldn't give a damn, and sitting around playing happy families was just quite frankly embarrassing.

Am tempted to hold onto the frame and give it back to them next year, they also gave my brother and his wife the same one...

OP posts:
Jackstini · 31/12/2007 10:22

No YANBU - sounds like a very uncomfortable incident.
However, I know a bit what you mean. My Step-mum (before I knew her) has always been used to giving here kids massive pressies at Christmas, whereas my Dad (& Mum before they divorced) were always a bit more restrained.
Neither really wanted to change as they thought it would be wierd so have stayed this way. (Last year my step sister had a laptop, by step brother an XBox 360 and loads of games and my and my sister got some wine and a jumper)
Am used to it now and we have never opened pressies in the same room as we are not together on Christmas Day

08aGreatYearForCarmenere · 31/12/2007 10:27

As a step mother I make a concerted effort to ensure that everyone gets the same present-wise, at least in value. I am suprised that your step mum doesn't at least have some hand in it as I would be mortified if there was inequity in our gifts.

babbi · 31/12/2007 15:29

Agree with 08 .... as a stepmum I ensure everything is exactly equal for all involved, more than DH tbh as he leaves it all to me ---- if I was brutally honest Skids get more than my DD as I do tend to overcompensate and she is too young to know or care ...........
I even send gifts to Dh`s ex wife and her mother to ensure no one misses out at Xmas and I know Skids really appreciate it ..

YANBU

Bouncingturtle · 31/12/2007 15:42

Yep - as a stepmum and a stepdaughter I think your are right to feel really hurt by this.
Men can be pretty useless at this sort of thing but I am surprised that your SM didn't make more of an effort, certainly mine does. And I will be making sure that my dss and my ds are treated equally.

oranges · 31/12/2007 15:44

oh you can't really blame the step mother here - maybe she didn't want to tread on your mother's toes by buying you the main presents? It is your dad's fault - he should have made more of an effort himself.

Original poster
sophierosie · 31/12/2007 18:08

Am glad that I haven't been overreacting!

Its so difficult isn't it when there are so many expectations over xmas and dealing with all the personal politics.

Tbh its not the first time he's been more than unthoughtful. They arranged to get married 5 days after my due date with dd, not thinking for one minute that I may not be able to attend the wedding. Or maybe that was the intention

It just made me feel really sad as step sister and her husband had lovely presents - designer belt, lovely smellies, cashmere jumper, that kind of thing and my dad couldn't even be bothered to think of something for us, or SM didn't even think that our present was a bit off the mark in comparison.

OP posts:
dirtygertiefromnumber30 · 31/12/2007 18:29

sophierose, we have the same situation here -as kids we would get £20 in an christmas card from dad and stepmum, my half brothers and sisters would get £100s spent on them!

I just accepted that that was the way it was tbh although ive made sure im not the same with my stepson.

chocchipchristmascake · 31/12/2007 18:32

I had the same thing with my step-daughter. She bought lovely things for her Dad and other relatives - then I got this grotty mug set that must have come from a clearance store (we are in US). I felt really upset and embarassed, everyone was there when I opened it. It's not the gift/money, it's the feeling that you are second-best. Actually I was really embarrassed opening it. It felt like a huge snub.

Original poster
sophierosie · 31/12/2007 19:00

Exactly - you do feel like second best.

Sorry you had the same experience CCCC

OP posts:
dmo · 31/12/2007 19:41

we were at my dads and step mums yesterday doing christmas.
my step sister and step brother get invited over for christmas dinner so they have their christmas then and we go leter on (normally boxing day but dh was ill)
step mum got my boys a lovely gift each (a guitar and a mp3 player) we got nothing which is fine but then we watched the christmas video as step brother and sister both have babies and they got loads of presents from my dad and step mum.

also it was my birthday just b4 christmas and i got a card throught the post with £20 note and no phone call

chocchipchristmascake · 31/12/2007 20:09

For the first Chrsitmas after I married her dad, my step-daughter got me a set of plastic kitchen spoons from Walmart. Now I think it's quite funny... but that's four years on.

coolkat · 31/12/2007 20:31

I can sympathise with you CCC my two stepsisters get way more than me for Christmas the last two years me and DH got 15 voucher each for next - so much thought! This year we had an increase a hole £20 each!! Now I may sound ungrateful but they are very well off and my two step sisters get much more. This year one got a laptop the other driving lessons not to mention all of their little bits. Every year I get wound up by it and think why do I go to so much trouble thinking of nice gifts for them all when my step sisters can not even be arsed to buy us a gift from them thier name is on the vouchers. No more it stops next year I am getting Dad and wife a gift and Step sisters a token bottle of wine or something.

Sorry rant over but I have always been the one left out, they go to uni and have a majority of stuff paid and one once told me how they had £90 a week for spending etc Wish I had that amount spare a week. I always feel inadequate despite the fact own own nice house have DD and fab DH.

Jackstini · 02/01/2008 12:07

SR - that rang a bell with me re the wedding. My Dad booked his wedding for 2 days after I was leaving to go on a round the world trip. Not on purpose - just didn't bother to check the dates (he knew I was going around that time) Completely clueless. I ended up forking out 200 quid to postpone my trip so I could go....

dmo · 02/01/2008 12:21

i didnt even get invited to my dads wedding

my mum left when i was 7 so lived with my dad, he met step-mum when i was 9 and we all lived together.

got a phone call one day (bout 10yrs ago now i must have been 24) to say they had just got married my step brother, step sister and step aunt were witnesses and they had just been out to celabrate

Original poster
sophierosie · 02/01/2008 14:44

dmo - that's awful.

Why are so many dad's just rubbish - I so hope my daughter doesn't have the same issues with her's as I do with mine. Am hoping I've chosen someone who has all the love and support to give to his daughter

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 02/01/2008 16:17

Dear SR, I think lots of them just bury their heads in the sand. I was a SD myself and my father just ignored the whole situation with my step-mother. She was really jealous and bitchy.

Now I have a step-daughter myself. I have tried for four years now, really hard, determined not to be like that and I feel totally discouraged. I get snubbed at every turn. I know you are supposed to keep going but she is 27, has a family of her own, and treats her father really badly too. She only calls if she wants something. Last night she phoned, he assumed it was to wish him Happy New Year and he was really surprised. Turned out her washing machone had broken and she needed him to go over and fix it!

I do think the step-mother/daughter relationship is really tough and congrats to anyone who gets on.

chocchipcookie · 02/01/2008 16:18

PS - DMO that is awful!!!! Did you say anything?

lizziemun · 02/01/2008 17:43

my dad always buy's me my sister the exact same gift unfortunley we are polar opposits with our interests .

He didn't tell us after he got married. He then went on holiday when i got married although heknew the date year in advance, mum even put a note in to say that they were both welcome (dad left mum for her).

Jackstini · 02/01/2008 20:34

DMO did he ever say why? Some parents are so clueless...
Lizziemun - now that is just plain rude of him/them. You must have been devastated

lizziemun · 02/01/2008 20:50

Jackstini

Not devastated more that what i expected to happen happened if that makes sense.

My parents were married for 25yrs when he had an affair and then left. I got married 8 yrs later, but he has never accepted it was what he did and his guilt and it is that which keeps him apart from us his children and grand children.

Jackstini · 02/01/2008 21:11

That's so sad Lizziemun - he has no idea what he is missing out on. Guess it was one of those times you really don't want to be proved right but are.

lizziemun · 02/01/2008 21:21

Unfortunly it has caught up with him, i have been married 7years and have 2 dd one nearly 4yrs and a 17wk old. He now wants to see us as last year he found out he has Abestoes and was given 18mths to live so now he is trying to play happy families, and i feel i have to along with his demands because otherwise i feel guilty .

Jackstini · 02/01/2008 22:43

Don't do it because you would feel guilty otherwise.
Truth is you are swallowing your pride and being magnanamous in accepting a 'kind of apology' from an old man who realises he has been a fool. You are a better person and your kids get to know their Grandad too - well done.

dmo · 03/01/2008 17:28

no he never said why but dont think he has a choice

also when i got married i wanted my dad to come to my house in the morning and drive with me to church and give me away but step-mum said he didnt want to so had my real mum their instead in the morning and walked into church on my own

dont get me wrong i love my dad to bits in my eyes he can do no wrong it just upsets me he does everything his wife tells him

Jackstini · 03/01/2008 22:22

Probably nothing personal DMO - some men are like that but it is annoying when you want them to grow a backbone and be their own man. Might be a bit of a case of 'anything for an easy life' as he has to live with her day in day out...
Enjoy your own marriage and maybe one day he will see sense