Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who delivers the eulogy?

100 replies

AnonyMum21 · 05/02/2022 17:26

My grandmother has recently died, we are planning to have a cremation with a celebrant.

I know a eulogy can be delivered by a family member but it is also common practise for the celebrant to read it out if the family are too emotional (or just don’t want to).

Which is the most common please?

Celebrant - YABU
Family = YANBU

Please comment but don’t vote if you think it’s about 50/50. And which do you prefer?
Thank you

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 05/02/2022 17:27

I think it's nicer when someone who knows the person well delivers it.

Snowiscold · 05/02/2022 17:28

I’ve only known it done by family or friends.

UnsuitableHat · 05/02/2022 17:29

I don’t know which is most common but I think both are absolutely fine. Another option of course is for a family friend to deliver the eulogy. That’s possibly the most common one I’ve experienced.

shouldistop · 05/02/2022 17:30

Either is fine

Thedogscollar · 05/02/2022 17:30

Family if they can manage on the day.
Condolences on your dgm and hope the funeral goes well.Flowers

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/02/2022 17:33

Family.
It’s a bit crap/cop out when the celebrant does it, IME. They don’t know the person.

However it’s often not a spouse, child or best friend - can be a cousin / niece / nephew / child in law or friend - a bit more removed and thus less upset. Also fine to have a couple of people do shorter ones.

Also always a good idea to send out a request for other people’s memories, as you get some great anecdotes.

Yika · 05/02/2022 17:35

Family unless the celebrant knew the deceased well. If possible.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 05/02/2022 17:36

I've known the celebrant to deliver the eulogy but then friends or family members say something more personal or give a reading, which feels like a good balance. My grandmother stood and read a letter she'd written directly to my grandfather, it was incredibly moving, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do the same in her circumstances

ToykotoLosAngeles · 05/02/2022 17:37

In our family it's tended to be something like a cousin or nephew of the deceased. Fond memories from when they were younger, but fairly removed from their everyday lives.

Inspectorslack · 05/02/2022 17:38

I’ve done it for two close family members. I’ve also been at funerals where a close friend did it.

But I also gave a copy of my eulogy to the minister so he could read it if I couldn’t cope.

GrandmasCat · 05/02/2022 17:38

I would avoid the celebrant unless they knew the person well or no member of the family is in a strong position enough not to feel worse when reading it/talking about it.

If you have some one in the family who is good at being eloquent but worried about reading it, have this person to write it so it is read by another person of the family or the celebrant.

luckylavender · 05/02/2022 17:39

At my grandmother's funeral, the celebrant did the eulogy. The celebrant hadn't known my grandmother but my mother and I are both only children and neither of us was capable.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/02/2022 17:41

Either. At my parents funerals, the vicar read it both times, for various reasons.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 05/02/2022 17:41

I did the eulogy for my Mum last year. My cousin did for her mum. At other funerals the celebrant has done them, but with a lot of input from the family.

If there is a family member willing and able to do it then I think that is to be preferred. But do not underestimate the amount of preparation that is necessary. And how loud you need speak!

alltheseasons · 05/02/2022 17:43

I think both are fine if nobody is up to the job emotionally. It is always more personal if a family member does it though. Would one of the in-laws do it? My DH did it for my mum as we were too emotional to do it, and he did a great job - we all contributed our thoughts and he put it together and delivered it.

wonderstuff · 05/02/2022 17:47

In my father's family it has generally been the celebrant - in my mothers i've only been to one funeral and it was family.

I think it really depends on who has died and how the relatives feel. At my father's funeral we asked the vicar to read it - neither I or my brother felt up to speaking at the funeral. There weren't any other relatives that could. Similar at MiL actually, no one was in a fit state. At my grandmothers my aunt and uncle wanted to say something and they asked my cousin and I to also speak, we read a poem.

I think it is important if family aren't going to speak that the celebrant is known and family are clear on what they will say - at my father's funeral the vicar had known his family for a long time and he read a piece that we had prepared. He was proudly Welsh and the ceremony was in Welsh and English with a mix of hymns, even though I and my brother don't speak Welsh he did and it felt right that is was in that tradition. A couple of cousins were there that could understand the whole thing!

I think that it is important that relatives who want to speak can and those that don't don't feel obliged to.

Topseyt · 05/02/2022 17:47

Either is totally fine.

At my Dad's funeral I shared the reading of the eulogy with my sister. Mostly I have known family members do it, but if none of them feels able then the celebrant or vicar / priest does it for them.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. If you or another family member want to read a eulogy then that is fine. If you don't feel able then ask the celebrant. Also fine.

Volterra · 05/02/2022 17:48

The last few I have been to it has been the person taking the service. It’s my Dad’s next week. We spent ages with the celebrant talking about Dad. He wrote the first draft and we have amended. It includes bits that people have emailed us and i’m very pleased with it.

Celebrant will be reading, there is no way I am putting any of our family through it, we’re all too shocked still. Do whatever works for your family. So sorry for your loss 💐

WhyMeLord · 05/02/2022 17:48

Sorry for your loss OP. I think the default is for family to do it if they can manage and for most funerals I have been to that has been the case. The funerals I've been to where they hasn't been the case have been where people have died under difficult or unexpected circumstances and the family still wrote it but didn't feel capable of delivering it on the day. Nobody will think any more or less of you if the celebrant does it.

GrandmasCat · 05/02/2022 17:49

I once attended a funeral with 4 different eulogies:

The person as an artist
The person as a friend
The person as a husband
The person as a father (read by son’s best friend)

It was lovely, and wasn’t too long, I don’t expect you would like to complicate things a lot but you can approach the topic by focusing in one aspect of her rather than trying to do a life survey.

In contrast, I attended another funeral where the celebrant kept changing the name of the deceased and talking about the wife who had supported him with love through life and illness… using the name of his child’s mother who he had been divorced from for over 20 years! 🤦🏻‍♀️

KnottyKnitting · 05/02/2022 17:49

When my mum died it was actually my two DDs who did the majority of the eulogy- they were only 14 and 17 at the time and were quite determined that they wanted to do it. But I have been at funerals where the family were just too upset and so the celebrant read it out. I think it's a personal choice.

Peas252 · 05/02/2022 17:53

It’s a bit crap/cop out when the celebrant does it, IME. They don’t know the person

What a load of crap.

housemaus · 05/02/2022 17:56

Whatever works - it's nice if a family member can do it, but I don't think it's unusual for a celebrant to do it. Some family members won't want the pressure/won't be able to/will be more stressed about doing it than being able to say goodbye or grieve properly.

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 05/02/2022 17:56

My DB and I wrote the eulogies for DPs, DGM and DSis and we asked the celebrant to read it if we felt unable to do so on the day. DSiL wrote her own eulogy when she started palliative care as she pointed out in it she was always liked to be in charge! Confused She asked her boss and family friend to read it out.

Womencanlift · 05/02/2022 17:58

I have only been at one funeral where it was family. All others have been celebrant. Where it’s been my own family it’s actually been the same celebrant and they were wonderful. They met with us prior to the funeral and very sensitively asked for stories and anecdotes that we wanted shared.

As a family we couldn’t thank her enough the times she has done it for us. Perfect delivery and felt personal even though they didn’t know the person who had passed. I think we have been lucky as don’t think family would have been up for doing it on the day as both deaths I am thinking about were fairly tragic passings