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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who delivers the eulogy?

100 replies

AnonyMum21 · 05/02/2022 17:26

My grandmother has recently died, we are planning to have a cremation with a celebrant.

I know a eulogy can be delivered by a family member but it is also common practise for the celebrant to read it out if the family are too emotional (or just don’t want to).

Which is the most common please?

Celebrant - YABU
Family = YANBU

Please comment but don’t vote if you think it’s about 50/50. And which do you prefer?
Thank you

OP posts:
FKATondelayo · 05/02/2022 18:27

It’s a bit crap/cop out when the celebrant does it, IME. They don’t know the person.

You posted that on the thread of someone mourning a recent loss?

Either is fine. Some people aren't up to doing it or public speaking is not in their comfort zone.

macshoto · 05/02/2022 18:29

Either is fine. I delivered eulogies for both my mother and grandmother.

catinboots123 · 05/02/2022 18:30

My son wrote my Dad's - it was beautiful but in the day he felt unable to deliver it. I had to read it and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm glad I did it though x sending love to you and your family

Metallicalover · 05/02/2022 18:32

If it's a celebrant (is that humanist) then get a family member to do it!
I've been to a few funerals where the celebrant has given the eulogy and I've found myself getting annoyed. They harp on about how much the person loved this and that as though they knew them.

I've been to a few funerals where priests/vicars have know the person for years and found that better.

I've also preferred family members as they also know the person. Theses have all been non immediate family members as the ones where close members of family have been too upset to deliver its

Reading that back I'm like.... yeah I've been to a lot of funerals haha! I have! Brought up not shielded from death therefore my parents took us to funerals to say goodbye x

RedRec · 05/02/2022 18:51

Sorry for your loss, OP.

You can have it absolutely any way you like; that is the whole point of a celebrant led funeral. They will do whatever you want, or will make helpful suggestions if you are unsure.

With their help you can create exactly the right funeral for your grandmother. A good celebrant (and most of them are) is worth their weight in gold. They will have their own copies of any speeches being made, and will step in at any point for a contributor who suddenly finds it is all too much for them.

Really, what they are doing is working with you to create a bespoke funeral. And do not be afraid to ask for any changes to what they write. Part of their job is to hone it to perfection so it suits your needs exactly.

All the very best to you x

Iwant2move · 05/02/2022 18:57

Me and my children wrote the eulogy for my husband’s funeral. The celebrant read it. If my husband had died after a long life, I expect a friend or family member would have read it. He was killed at 53. We were all reeling and so were his friends. A celebrant it was. It wasn’t crap and it wasn’t a cop out.

luckylavender · 05/02/2022 18:59

@WhyMeLord

Sorry for your loss OP. I think the default is for family to do it if they can manage and for most funerals I have been to that has been the case. The funerals I've been to where they hasn't been the case have been where people have died under difficult or unexpected circumstances and the family still wrote it but didn't feel capable of delivering it on the day. Nobody will think any more or less of you if the celebrant does it.
This is not my experience at all, so please don't generalise.
CaMePlaitPas · 05/02/2022 19:01

Family normally, but who cares really? If the celebrant does it that's absolutely fine, no judgement whatsoever. Funerals are fucking awful things, do what makes you feel comfortable.

Mydogsnotfat · 05/02/2022 19:01

I am a celebrant and am usually asked to deliver the eulogy myself and more often than not to write it too. I always write a full draft of the whole service and the family check and approve.

Mindymomo · 05/02/2022 19:04

My family have never been any good at standing up in public, so none of the funerals I’ve been to have had family members due the eulogy apart from my Auntie’s funeral, her DIL did it and she’s as hard as nails, but even she broke down. My adult son is good at public speaking, but didn’t want to do it for grandparents. It’s been down to me to write the eulogies and we’ve been pleased on how the funerals went.

bigbluebus · 05/02/2022 19:08

I can't think of a funeral I've been to where the celebrant has read it. At the last one I went to there were 2 tributes, one delivered by the deceased's son and the other by a business partner. My DB did the eulogy for both our parents and BIL did it at our DD's - although the vicar had a copy so he could take over if necessary.
DH goes to many funerals and says that you can always tell when the celebrant didn't know the deceased/family prior to the funeral being arranged.

PlanetNormal · 05/02/2022 19:09

Depends on the family involved and the personalities of the relatives. I wrote and delivered the eulogies when my grandparents died, despite being in my early 20s at the time, because as the only person in the family who had been to university it was expected of me. Nobody else would have been comfortable or confident enough to make a speech to a crowded room.

Cryalot2 · 05/02/2022 19:24

Sorry for loss op.
Either is ok.

Much depends on who organises the funeral.
At a recent family funeral the officiant had never met the deceased and the information given to them made many think we attended the wrong funeral.

Have something wrote out and if no one wants to read it then you can nominate anyone to on your behalf

Northernlurker · 05/02/2022 19:31

If you can do it that's great but don't feel you have to. I did it for my great aunt and just about got through. I wanted so badly to do it for my grandma but I wouldn't have been able to. I couldn't even do if it was today and it was a year ago. Dh did it. He is officially appointed funeral reader to my family :)
I think he's done something in four funerals now. He reads aloud very well.
He also did the eulogy for a friend who took his own life. That was the only time I've seen him break down. The celebrant will do a great job and it's one less thing to worry about. They can make it clear it's written by the family.

StripyHorse · 05/02/2022 19:34

I am sorry for your loss.

At my grandad's funeral I read the eulogy my dad wrote.

At my grandmother's funeral I wrote the eulogy but the celebrant read it.

It's really whatever suits your family.

PrivateParty · 05/02/2022 19:47

Ive never known the family to do it. I've never been asked about it for the few I've organised in the last few years. It's always assumed it will be the celebrant. Maybe that's just here. No way I could do it.

Abra1d1 · 05/02/2022 19:48

I did my father’s but so to my in-laws the celebrant did it.

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2022 19:50

For my dad’s, we had two family friends, one from his early married life and one more recent. They were great and told some funny anecdotes, which were really helpful to us, the family. None of us felt we could do it without breaking down. Watching a family member crack whilst giving the eulogy is deeply uncomfortable, and feels akin to public cruelty, IMO.

user1471505494 · 05/02/2022 19:56

I wrote and read a eulogy at my Mother’s funeral, my Father also did one. I was concerned about how I would feel on the day and printed out two copies one of which the vicar had in case I couldn’t finish. O the day I was fine but that was only my experience

CMOTDibbler · 05/02/2022 19:56

One family member wrote theirs with the celebrant before they died, and it was absolutely wonderful as he got to tell his own story via them.
But theres no right or wrong, and its also good to have a backup plan of the celebrant having something in case on the day the person who was to speak is too emotional

filka · 05/02/2022 19:59

I wrote and read for my mother, though the vicar offered if I didn't want to, but I was fine. At my uncle's funeral my cousin's husband read, but broke down a bit. As a pp commented, it was a bit uncomfortable

Bouledeneige · 05/02/2022 20:00

Family is better I think. I much prefer hearing the praise, memories and jokes about their loved one direct from fibrin's close. I did my Mum's - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I am an emotional person. But I'm glad I did it. The celebrant usually says something anyway. It's just not as personal.

andi76 · 05/02/2022 20:05

Whoever you want. My husband is taking two funerals next week. At one he is doing the eulogy, at the other the family are.

Vanillarose1 · 05/02/2022 20:07

I've been a celebrant for the past 5 years and have taken hundreds of funerals. In my experience, the family only delivers the eulogy about 5% of the time. Most families expect me to write it and read it. Sometimes a family member will stand up and give a brief tribute from the heart after the eulogy but often it's just too emotional.

I am professionally trained and qualified and work really hard to capture the essence of the person who has died when I prepare a eulogy. I spend a lot of time with a family, learning as much as I can about the person and then I send the family my full service and tell them they can change absolutely anything that doesn't feel right.

It's not easy to write a rounded eulogy which encapsulates the person's life and loves with good humour and timing. It's a lot of pressure on a grieving family. Most celebrants (not all!) are professionals who have really honed this skill and if you are working with one, it's worth making the most of them! I make it crystal clear that I am sharing the family's memories and experiences - I don't pretend to know the person, that would be completely wrong.

The poster who said it was a cop out is really missing a trick. There is nothing worse than a family member who doesn't want to give a eulogy standing up and rushing through it. It doesn't do their loved one justice. I have seen some brilliant family eulogies and tributes though.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 05/02/2022 20:09

I did one at my Great Grandmothers funeral aged 21; I spent a lot of time with her through my life. I’ve done every family members that I’ve been close to since, at their request. I thought I’d done an awful job but apparently not because I’ve done 6 in total now Grin

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