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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who delivers the eulogy?

100 replies

AnonyMum21 · 05/02/2022 17:26

My grandmother has recently died, we are planning to have a cremation with a celebrant.

I know a eulogy can be delivered by a family member but it is also common practise for the celebrant to read it out if the family are too emotional (or just don’t want to).

Which is the most common please?

Celebrant - YABU
Family = YANBU

Please comment but don’t vote if you think it’s about 50/50. And which do you prefer?
Thank you

OP posts:

CraftyGin · 05/02/2022 20:11

I go to lots of funerals. The church ones tend to have a family member do the eulogy and the minister the religious address. These are always fantastic.

Of the secular funerals I have been to, the eulogies delivered by celebrants have been, I'm sad to say, pretty dire. It was absolutely clear they did not know the deceased or spent much time with the family to find out about the deceased.

I would suggest that you write the eulogy as a family and give it to the celebrant to read, should you be overcome. Hopefully, you will be able to read at least part of it.

Fallulah · 05/02/2022 20:15

We had a lovely celebrant for nan - she spent ages talking to us and wrote the eulogy which we then edited and added to. She read it perfectly.

For my dad, we wrote it and one of dad’s friends offered to read it because they had done one before and we accepted because my mum didn’t think I would be able to do it. On the day the friend was quite nervous and didn’t do a great job. I was fine with the poem I had to read and wished I had done the eulogy. Something within me knew I had to keep it together until after I’d done my bit.

Cornishmumofone · 05/02/2022 20:16

The vicar read the eulogy at my father's funeral. My siblings and I were in our early 20s, my mum was mid 50s and devastated. We had known the vicar for 20+ years and he often spent time with my dad when he was ill. They chatted about spiritual issues at times, but also both loved watching/listening to the cricket. The vicar had also led my wedding ceremony

Simplelobsterhat · 05/02/2022 20:26

At all my elderly relatives funerals the vicar / celebrant did it - we're a pretty introvert family and the funerals tended to be fairly small and simple.
At my husbands family's funerals it's tended to be vicar doing eulogy (on one case I think all written by family and read by vicar) and then in a couple a child or grandchild read a poem. In my fil a friend also gave a eulogy which was the bit I remember most - I believe my fil had asked him before he died.

I did like the more personal touch of the friend doing a eulogy but it's not been the norm in the funerals I've been to so far, and I think it could be a lot of pressure, so you should do whatever the family are most comfortable with.

BigGreen · 05/02/2022 20:29

I've only ever seen eulogies given by people who really know the deceased. Relatives or a vicar.

Phormiumjester · 05/02/2022 20:35

I think the chap from the crem did my dad's. I know I didn't. And his wife wouldn't have. I honestly don't remember and I was 28.

I think as long as everyone is comfortable with it then do what makes it more bearable.

Viviennethebeautiful · 05/02/2022 20:57

At my mums dad decided he, me and my brother would all speak. Fortunately we were all ok with that. What I suppose I am saying is celebrant, one family or friend or share it.
The only one thing to think about it is one friend decided she couldn’t read a poem at her dads funeral and years later she regretted not doing it.
It so hard

Imissmoominmama · 05/02/2022 21:01

We wrote it as a family, and the celebrant read it. Mum died quite suddenly, and there’s no way any of us could’ve got through it.

It was lovely- the celebrant did a really good job. It was a woman- I don’t know if that made a difference.

HiKelsey · 05/02/2022 21:05

Sorry for your loss. My grandad died 2 weeks ago and the celebrant did most of the ceremony however I said two poems as his oldest Grandchild (24) as I have done for all my grandparents and my dad's funeral xx

Anonymouseposter · 05/02/2022 21:30

I think it's equally acceptable for either the celebrant or a family member to deliver an eulogy.
In my experience a celebrant can sometimes take a tone that isn't ideal even if a family member has basically written the eulogy.
I wrote the eulogy for my father in quite simple, straightforward language and the celebrant added a lot of very flowery, pious sounding phrases. It didn't really matter though as he got the essence right.
If a celebrant is going to deliver the eulogy make sure they have spent enough time talking to family members as I have been to three funerals where the celebrant got basic facts wrong and didn't appear to have an understanding of the personality of the deceased at all.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 05/02/2022 21:35

Sorry for your loss. I think it depends on what works for the grieving. At my dad's, I did it with one of my uncles. I did my paternal grandmother's and would have done of my maternal grandmother's but for covid. However I'm a confident public speaker and have a pragmatic approach to death.

Of the celebrants it's been a mixed bag and I think it's really dependent on how the family convey a sense of the deceased if they aren't writing it themselves. The minister who did my atheist grandfather's when I was in my early teens did an amazing job, the catholic priest who did a neighbour's but didn't know them was awful.

whyayepetal · 05/02/2022 21:44

Sorry for your loss OP. I think what’s right for you and your family on the day will be the right option. Doesn’t matter at all what others have done.

In our case DD1 (then 12) and I did the eulogy for my Dad, and DD2 (10) took part by lighting a candle. The minister (who had been with Dad in his final moments) had a copy of what we were planning to say, and was ready to take over at any time if we needed her. That was hugely reassuring for us on the day.

Do what seems right for you - it will be.

PonyPatter44 · 05/02/2022 21:47

I did the eulogy for my dad. Mum wasn't up to doing it and neither were my siblings. I didn't particularly like the celebrant, so I wasn't going to let him talk about my dad.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 05/02/2022 21:48

@Luredbyapomegranate

Family. It’s a bit crap/cop out when the celebrant does it, IME. They don’t know the person.

However it’s often not a spouse, child or best friend - can be a cousin / niece / nephew / child in law or friend - a bit more removed and thus less upset. Also fine to have a couple of people do shorter ones.

Also always a good idea to send out a request for other people’s memories, as you get some great anecdotes.

That's a bit offensive. At my Dad's funeral the celebrant came to our house and we gave him everything he needed to know for the eulogy and we wrote it together. He delivered it and I said a short poem. No one wanted to say more because we were worried about getting upset.

Saz12 · 05/02/2022 21:56

Honestly, if celebrant /minister is doing it, write them notes or a speech. If notes, make it clear that you don’t want it read verbatim, ask them to make it “correct”.
If a friend/niece/colleague/boss is doing it, make sure to give them notes - they’ll only know a corner of the persons life.
If it’s close family /friend they’ll only see it from their own standpoint anyway. But that makes it personal and special.

Either is fine. Both is better...

Phormiumjester · 05/02/2022 21:58

I think you're entirely allowed to "cop out" at a loved one's funeral. Grief isn't prescriptive. Don't feel pressure to do anything you're not comfortable with.

SquirrelG · 05/02/2022 22:07

I'm not in the UK, but it is normal for family or a friend to do it here, if they are up to it. The celebrant often doesn't even know the person who has died, so it is nicer for someone who is close to them to deliver the eulogy, or if the family don't feel up to it the celebrant to read their words. Neither is wrong however.

Darbs76 · 05/02/2022 22:11

I delivered my dad’s Eulogy, it took me 4 nights to write it in the days after his death. It was hard but there was no way I wanted someone who didn’t know him that well telling people about his life. My eldest son wrote a lovely funny poem about his grandad that he delivered too. We had a slideshow and so many people commented what a personal service it was. I’ll do the same for other family as I personally couldn’t have someone else deliver it. I know that not everyone is able to do that

liveforsummer · 06/02/2022 08:48

At gf's the celebrant read the main eulogy but family members also came up and read their own pieces. Gm's my auntie did it (she'd been stuck in another country due to covid for gf's) and then other family members again read their own. Either is fine, whatever everyone is comfortable with. Some people are happy to but my mum and uncle couldn't face it for different reasons and everyone deals with grief differently.

zingally · 06/02/2022 10:49

Anything is fine tbh OP.

Thinking back to my last 3 funerals...

Elderly family friend. Speeches given by son-in-law, daughter and granddaughter (although gd cried throughout and perhaps that wasn't a good idea in hindsight).

My grandmother. Speeches given by her 2 sons (my dad and uncle)

My dad. My mum wrote a speech, which was read out by the celebrant. I did a speech, as did an old university friend of dads. One of his nephews read a poem.

Do whatever you want/are comfortable with.

Original poster

AnonyMum21 · 06/02/2022 22:14

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

I've known the celebrant to deliver the eulogy but then friends or family members say something more personal or give a reading, which feels like a good balance. My grandmother stood and read a letter she'd written directly to my grandfather, it was incredibly moving, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do the same in her circumstances

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus. “My grandmother stood and read a letter she'd written directly to my grandfather, it was incredibly moving “ - wow, that’s lovely

OP posts:

caringcarer · 06/02/2022 22:17

I read the eulogy for my Mum. I felt it was the last gift I could give her. I am a secondary school teacher so was used to doing assembly and speaking in front of an audience. We did not have a celebrant Mum had a vicar who she knew very well. He read a Psalm.

CrinklyCraggy · 06/02/2022 22:24

We had a celebrant for DH simply because there was no family member who would have been capable on the day. He was brilliant, only seemed to ask a few questions then put together a eulogy that really got to the heart of DH. It wouldn't have been as good if I'd done it myself and it would have taken me days of agonising over.

Someone from the organisation where DH volunteered also spoke and that was lovely too .

Chitchatchatter · 06/02/2022 22:38

I’m sorry for your loss.

When my mum died, my brother wrote and delivered the eulogy and I gave a reading. The priest was standing by in case either of us became too emotional but we got through it.

It is obviously more personal if a family member speaks but it most definitely not a cop out if the celebrant does it. Funerals are not only about marking the passing of the person who has died but to support their loved ones too.

Original poster

AnonyMum21 · 06/02/2022 23:22

I want to thank everyone who has contributed and shared their experiences, and also expressed their condolences.
Some lovely stories here, and all very helpful
Much appreciated

OP posts:

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