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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who delivers the eulogy?

100 replies

AnonyMum21 · 05/02/2022 17:26

My grandmother has recently died, we are planning to have a cremation with a celebrant.

I know a eulogy can be delivered by a family member but it is also common practise for the celebrant to read it out if the family are too emotional (or just don’t want to).

Which is the most common please?

Celebrant - YABU
Family = YANBU

Please comment but don’t vote if you think it’s about 50/50. And which do you prefer?
Thank you

OP posts:
Maflingo · 05/02/2022 17:59

Honestly, it can be either, and should be whatever makes the day a bit easier. Most Celebrants will be ready to step in and take over if a family member friend was unable to finish (or start).
Just think about what feels right for your situation Flowers

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 05/02/2022 18:00

In my experience if the celebrant does it they usually ask the family for details including the funny little stories as well as the basic facts. At both my parents funerals my sister and I wrote the eulogy between us and it was read by the celebrant.

MrsWobble3 · 05/02/2022 18:00

I did it for my mother. The vicar said if I gave him a copy in advance then if on the day I didn’t feel up to it he would step in and read my words. It was very hard but I wanted to do it - too many people, and particularly her grandchildren, only knew my mum as a sweet old lady and I wanted them to know just what a feisty young lady she had been and how much she achieved before giving her dreams up for marriage and motherhood.

Chasingsquirrels · 05/02/2022 18:01

Either is COMPLETELY fine.

I did DHs, but the person leading the service was primed to do so if I felt I couldnt.

The celebrant did my uncle's last year, my mum had written it but didn't want to read it.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 05/02/2022 18:01

Celebrant read out the eulogy at both my parents funerals. None of us felt able to do it.

We spent a good two hours discussing our parent, and they emailed the eulogy beforehand so we could amend it.

I've also been at a funeral where the celebrant knew the deceased well, and the eulogy was perfectly read.

I think you have to go on your own wishes.

Tricked2003 · 05/02/2022 18:02

No one should be made to feel that they "have" to do it........every family is different. I have been to funerals where the celebrant has recounted family memories in a lovely manner, I have also been to funerals where a family member has been very distressed giving a eulogy and it was very uncomfortable.
My brother spoke at my uncle's funeral, I would not have been able to....we were too close. (no children of his own)
Funerals are very individual and it needs to be discussed and agreed between close family.

MadrigalCorp · 05/02/2022 18:03

We used a humanist celebrant for DF but they were awful. Right from the start I thought they weren't very interested but DM wouldn't change her mind. In the eulogy, they could have been talking about someone else completely - they'd never met dad and didn't "get" our description of him, he would have hated it. I wish I'd done it myself (or a sibling) but DM wouldn't let us even though we're all quite used to public speaking. It was years ago and I still bitterly regret it and feel that I let dad down.

So I don't know what's normal but choose your celebrant carefully.

countrygirl99 · 05/02/2022 18:04

It's dad's funeral on Monday. The celebrant is doing the eulogy but I am reading a poem. None of us felt able to stand up and talk about dad and at 94 not many of his friends are still around. The celebrant spent about an hour and a half with us finding out about dad.

SoupDragon · 05/02/2022 18:06

I've read something out at a friend's funeral on behalf of family who couldn't do it on the day. For both my parents the celebrant did it - it was one less thing to be stressed about on the day. She was excellent and put a lot of feeling into them.

AmbushedByCake1 · 05/02/2022 18:07

The last two funerals I've been to, the celebrant read the eulogy but the family members wrote the words. Still very moving.

Soontobe60 · 05/02/2022 18:08

For my dads funeral, the celebrant wrote the eulogy based on what we told him (all done via email after the initial meeting). 3 of us wanted to speak too, and we sent our bits to the celebrant as he said he would be able to step in on the day if we were unable to speak. Everything was printed in the order of service.
On the day, we all managed to do our bit.

2pinkginsplease · 05/02/2022 18:09

I’ve been to funerals where it’s mostly been the celebrant but it’s the family who have written it but are too emotional to deliver it,

At my uncles funeral the minister had a copy of the eulogy just in case my cousin couldn’t manage it but he did, a friend also did a mini speech too which was vey touching.

Emotions are high and I know here is no way I’d ever be able to deliver a eulogy for someone close,

lanthanum · 05/02/2022 18:10

I think it's a little more frequently a family member, but not at all unusual for it to be the celebrant. Sometimes the celebrant does quite a lot of pulling it together, but sometimes they're just reading out what the family have written. I've been to two funerals where the deceased had written their own eulogy! (In one case, there was very little family, so it was probably a great relief to the celebrant to have something provided.) Where it's a family member, it's often not the closest person who does it, which eases things a little.

(I play the organ, so I go to a fair few funerals.)

What MrsWobble says is very true - it's always fascinating to hear more about the younger life of someone you only met when they were 70+.

Awrite · 05/02/2022 18:10

The best I've seen was the Minister at my brother's funeral. The worst I've seen was the Minister at a friend's funeral. I felt very sorry for her family (over and above the tragedy of a young woman dying).

I suspect family is best when someone has had a long life.

With celebrants, you get good and bad ones.

LosingTheWill2022 · 05/02/2022 18:13

I don't the exact definition eulogy.

What we did for my parents was that the celebrant prepared a sort of 'history' based on what we told her. We spent an afternoon with her and talked about what they were like as people as well as what they did in life. She was fantastic and it was lovely to have to perform the ceremony gor both (10 months apart).

The celebrant sent a draft to us and we could edit etc.

My 2 brothers and I each wrote and read a person piece as well as reading memories from those who couldn't be there.

We also had a slide show of photos.

It felt just right for us and the process of preparing for the services was emotional and positive.

Topseyt · 05/02/2022 18:13

It’s a bit crap/cop out when the celebrant does it, IME. They don’t know the person.

I think that is a very insensitive and unhelpful comment.

A family asking the celebrant to read the eulogy because they are feeling too distressed to do it properly should not be labelled crap or a cop out! This is part of the celebrant's job.

ByStarlight · 05/02/2022 18:16

I can only comment from my personal experience, but feel that having someone who knew the deceased in some capacity (not necessarily close family if they are too upset) is always more personal and feels more fitting somehow to me.

I attended funerals of 3 close family members in my late teens and early 20s - my mother, grandmother and uncle. All felt deeply and uncomfortably impersonal, lacking in warmth and personal connection. All were delivered by a vicar, yet none of the deceased had ever been religious. The content of each felt to me quite hurtful and empty. The way particularly my mother and grandmother were described bore no reflection to my close and warm memories of them and completely failed to highlight the amazing, loving and talented people they had been and the huge positive impact they had had on our family. The eulogy felt cold and matter-of-fact, and could have been describing a stranger. Sitting through those awful eulogies has had a lasting negative impression on me.

In contrast, I recently attended a funeral of a neighbour. Someone who had died leaving a husband, adult children and teenage grandchildren. That funeral felt so completely different. All the close family members got up to speak in turn about their memories and share anecdotes about their relative. Photos of her from throughout her life with all of her family were projected on a screen during the ceremony. The impression was one of celebration of a life and the impact she had on all her family. It was such a warm and personal event that I felt really honored to be part of.

Clearly my experiences were limited, but I really think that the more personal the ceremony is, the better. Make sure all people who might wish to contribute are allowed to do so. I felt extremely left out of the arrangements for my close family(is as considered “too young” at the time and if I could go back in time, I wish my own mother and grandmother could have had a send off like the one for my neighbour.

FedUp6789 · 05/02/2022 18:16

I’m sorry for you loss Flowers My mom wrote her own eulogy when she was diagnosed terminal but we used a humanist celebrant to read it out. He knew us as he also did my nan’s funeral a year prior and had got to know my mom while planning my nans funeral. Honestly I would say it is personal preference and nobody should be forced to read anything out. There was no way any of us could have said my moms eulogy as she died young from cancer. I hope you’re able to make your own choice.

@Luredbyapomegranate what a stupid and shitty insensitive comment.

Snowiscold · 05/02/2022 18:19

I would never, ever think it was crap or a cop-out if the celebrant did the eulogy.

picklemewalnuts · 05/02/2022 18:19

A celebrant, if they are good, can bring a sense of perspective any individual may lack. I wrote and spoke for Dad, and tried hard to include everyone's point of view, but inevitably I spoke about the man I knew.

A celebrant can bring a more rounded person forth. Particularly perhaps, if the deceased was not an easy person to like.

gogohm · 05/02/2022 18:22

It's up to you. I work for the c of e and meet with bereaved families... my advice is that if a family decides to read, give a copy to the celebrant who will seamlessly take over if needed

gogohm · 05/02/2022 18:23

I would say it's 50/50 Vicar vs family in my extensive experience

IWillBeSeeingYou · 05/02/2022 18:24

I’ve just arranged a funeral, the celebrant wrote and read the eulogy, nobody else wanted to speak. She did an amazing job, wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

LadyLolaRuben · 05/02/2022 18:24

YANBU

ElftonWednesday · 05/02/2022 18:25

We gave lots of info to the vicar who wrote and delivered the eulogy, but he sent us a draft first to make sure he had everything correct. This was for my DF, I just about managed to keep it together do a reading but none of us could have given the eulogy.

I admire people who can, or stand up and speak off the cuff. I've been to several funerals though and every time the eulogy was given by the vicar or priest. People are often too emotional to speak, or for the words to come out properly.