Not sure why people have to say you're shy, in front of everyone

[Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof]

I've had this a few times. I'm 30 but get mistaken for younger, I'm softly spoken and quiet, I am shy with people i don't really know.
However when people say 'she/he is chatty/outgoing'. It's seen as a compliment.

On the other hand you wouldn't say 'she/he never shuts up' in front of people so why's it ok to point out shyness?

It happened to me this morning. A lady with dementia who i very occasionally look after, I've met them twice before. So i don't really know her or her husband, but the other carer goes every day nearly.

This other carer said to the lady's husband 'X says she's been here a couple of times before."

The husband replies as if I'm not there. "I know, she's very shy, she hides behind her mask."

What exactly am I supposed to say to that? How do these people want me to react?

It's not said to make me feel good or happy so what's the point? I also think they believe they can get away with it as they see me as a 'young girl'.

How would you react? Obviously I don't want to start discussions in front of the client with dementia or anyone else for that matter.

I don't 'hide behind my mask' I have to wear it in my job to protect elderly and vulnerable people ffs

Being quiet and saying little is not a helpful way to behave around this couple? They are letting you know that they need you to show some personality in order for them to recognise/ remember and therefore trust you?

Because in general people like chatty people. It puts them at ease, shows that person is making an effort with them, and is generally more fun than trying to converse with somebody that acts like what they’re doing at the weekend is a state secret.

If you’re in a caring or person-focussed job of course it will be commented on.

I’d think the bloke was a bit rude but I’d ignore it.

Why was the other carer speaking for you?

He was very rude.

I wouldn't necessarily react outwardly though, some people are just rude and you're best off ignoring it especially if they're related to a client

It’s a tricky line of work, personal care, if you are shy of interpersonal interaction.

I am polite and made some conversation with them. The job doesn't require you to have a 'massive personality' it requires you to be friendly, caring and polite.
This was when the lady was using the commode and it was just me her husband and my colleague.

It's rude to speak about me like I'm not there.

Well if you know it’s rude why post an AIBU?

If you're allowed to, maybe wear one of those clear plastic masks instead so they can see you're friendly/smiley - otherwise they have to hear your tone of voice to tell you're smiling.

It's not like i am mute. I do speak, i speak less than others but i still make some conversation.
It's just clearly not deemed the level of chatty they would like, but it's rude to speak like I'm not there as i said.
Caring does not require people to be very outgoing, I've worked in it a while and it hasn't held me back.

It’s not unreasonable for you to be the the way you are and to stay in your comfort zone. But it’s also not deeply unreasonable that some people feel it’s a judgement on them, or a lack of friendliness or wanting to make the effort - and they may address it through comments like this - especially if you’re in a service role and part of it is about putting people at ease.

It's not said to make me feel good or happy so what's the point?

The point is - albeit going about it the wrong way - is to make you see your lack of interaction is tricky for them, not putting them at ease.

I think if you’re in a caring role like this, going into peoples homes and giving often intimate assistance, it’s up to you to figure out a way of communicating that relaxes people. Even if that’s not your usual personality, you need to train yourself into doing that.

The husband can clearly see I am communicating and interacting with his wife and being friendly to her.
We have some carers who are very extroverted and outgoing, and that's good too but it isn't a criteria of the mob.

There was an incredibly similar post to this a few weeks ago, very similar in fact, I think the title was near identical so it seems to be something that happens more than once. Lots of people agreed with the OP that it was a rude thing to say and that the horrible and uncouth gobshite extroverts should fuck off so this thread will probably go the same way.

But as I've mentioned a few times, I wasn't sitting there in silence and I interacted and contributed.
The husband had a slight smirk on his face when he said it

What about if there was a carer who never stopped, interrupted everyone and you couldn't get a word in edgeways. Would that be deemed as rude to comment on too ?

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

But as I've mentioned a few times, I wasn't sitting there in silence and I interacted and contributed. The husband had a slight smirk on his face when he said it

Then he’s just rude. And you know that.

You’re in a caring role where you must encounter a wide range of people on the spectrum from polite to awful every day. You need to let comments like these wash over you.

Unfortunately they're probably used to a variety of carers and have literally behaved almost as if you weren't there.I'd not be worried about it, be polite and respectful.Your clients don't get to judge your personality any more than your age or ethnic background.They were rude, do the Myers Briggs test and appreciate yourself for who you really are.

I do get other rude comments, not about that but other things which largely come from people with dementia.
But here i just want to talk about why being a bit quiet and shy is seen as so negative in life, why do we all have to be the same?

Amazed at how many people here think it's ok to speak about someone in front of them like they aren't there. Very odd

Bet he's feeling a bit peeved you're interacting with his wife and not entertaining him.

This other carer said to the lady's husband 'X says she's been here a couple of times before."

The husband replies as if I'm not there. "I know, she's very shy, she hides behind her mask."

To me, the rudeness is in them talking about you rather than to you, and from a couple of comments you have made it seems it bothered you too.

Why were they talking about you while you were present? Did you not intervene to answer on your own behalf? If you literally just stayed silent during the interaction then I suspect it was the husbands passive-aggressive way of illustrating to the other carer that you are not engaging with them.

I know how you feel. People always think it’s okay to comment on quietness as if it’s a defect. I physically can’t be more than I am - this IS me making an effort and bringing it to everyone’s attention makes me want to crawl into a hole.

I agree with you OP, and note how it was a man who said it. Why does that not surprise me?
Yes you are expected to make some conversation, and you’ve said you do. There no requirement to act like they are your best buddies. In fact you need a professional relationship, being too extrovert or wittering on too much is not very professional in my opinion.
If you encounter this again just reply “no I’m not shy I just speak when there’s something worth saying.”

I think some people really struggle with having strangers in their house helping family members with personal care.
If you show a bit of personality, it helps them feel that the interaction is a bit more human. If you take what feels to them like a disengaged approach, it takes that veneer away, and reminds them of how shit it is that their loved one needs care and they can’t meet the needs themselves.