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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure why people have to say you're shy, in front of everyone

84 replies

Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 11:53

I've had this a few times. I'm 30 but get mistaken for younger, I'm softly spoken and quiet, I am shy with people i don't really know.
However when people say 'she/he is chatty/outgoing'. It's seen as a compliment.

On the other hand you wouldn't say 'she/he never shuts up' in front of people so why's it ok to point out shyness?

It happened to me this morning. A lady with dementia who i very occasionally look after, I've met them twice before. So i don't really know her or her husband, but the other carer goes every day nearly.

This other carer said to the lady's husband 'X says she's been here a couple of times before."

The husband replies as if I'm not there. "I know, she's very shy, she hides behind her mask."

What exactly am I supposed to say to that? How do these people want me to react?

It's not said to make me feel good or happy so what's the point? I also think they believe they can get away with it as they see me as a 'young girl'.

How would you react? Obviously I don't want to start discussions in front of the client with dementia or anyone else for that matter.

OP posts:
5128gap · 05/02/2022 14:44

Pointing out someone is shy in front of them is the single most effective way of exacerbating any awkwardness or anxiety they feel. People who do this either have little emotional intelligence or are being cruel. In fairness to your client he probably has other priorities and wasn't thinking it through.

Greenlight4 · 05/02/2022 14:45

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

You can be warm and still quiet, I did make conversation with the family and that's all I'm required to do. I'm not required to act like best friends, have an hour long conversation and recite my top 10 funniest moments to them.
He said that he thinks you are hiding behind your make though, so clearly doesn't find you warm yet quiet

He is telling you that your current approach isn't working for them. It would be the same if he said they found you brash etc, you are coming across as hiding to this family

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2022 14:56

People say it because they expect they won’t get an answer/earful/comment back. It’s great when they do get a witty comment thrown at them though Smile. Lots of people who are shy still speak up when they have to.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 16:29

I have met them 3 times in 6 months, they have an array of people going to their house. I engaged with the client and made some polite conversation with him. I'm not sure what he is expecting really but I'm not obliged to be super loud and constantly chatty with him. Not anywhere did I say i was sitting in silence

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 16:30

There are a lot of people here who seem to think it's ok to critique somebody like that as if they aren't there, right in front of them.

OP posts:
Squirrelsbizaare · 05/02/2022 16:36

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

There are a lot of people here who seem to think it's ok to critique somebody like that as if they aren't there, right in front of them.
Is this a recurring theme in your working life, or is it just this one gentlemen that has made a comment ?
Greenfields124 · 05/02/2022 16:37

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

You can be warm and still quiet, I did make conversation with the family and that's all I'm required to do. I'm not required to act like best friends, have an hour long conversation and recite my top 10 funniest moments to them.
I don't think you can no, because you aren't communicating effectively. As I said communication is really important in care work. His perception however rude he was, is how he feels. No one said you were required to "act like best friends and recite your top 10 funniest moments" Acting warm, friendly and chatty isn't doing any of those things.

I think you lack understanding and as a previous poster said I don't see the point of the AIBU if you aren't accepting of others viewpoints.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 16:54

Ok thanks for your feedback, it's just as rude so it will be ignored.

OP posts:
MaryBeardsShoes · 05/02/2022 17:01

100% certain that if you started chatting a bit more he'd say "oo Ridicule never shuts up does she"

Squirrelsbizaare · 05/02/2022 17:03

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

Ok thanks for your feedback, it's just as rude so it will be ignored.
Op, if it's just this one gentlemen saying it while you are working, then the problem is with him, another client could equally comment that Carer B , who is just trying to be friendly, wouldn't shut up. If that's the case, then don't take it personal. If lots of your clients are saying it, then take it as constructive feedback and see how you can engage more with your clients, which will help you to improve your overall social skills.
BronwenFrideswide · 05/02/2022 17:11

You do come across as very prickly, OP, you certainly seem incapable of accepting any other point of view other than your own and take any and all criticism very personally, maybe that's the impression you give off in real life as well.

Jasmine5552 · 05/02/2022 17:11

I work in a care home and although I am a more quiet person I have trained myself to talk to the residents and try to put them at ease. It's taken me a number of years though to get to this point.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 17:14

As i said I'm ignoring a lot of the rude replies on here, there are some very helpful ones though

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 17:16

I'm fully aware that it's important to talk to clients and engage. And that is what I do. This particular man decided i came off as shy even though I was quite clearly speaking to him.

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 05/02/2022 17:16

I offend them by saying 'no I just don't like you'.

Appreciate you can't do that here, but it's a good one to use.

Zippyunzipped · 05/02/2022 17:16

You are in the wrong job OP and your attitude on here stinks of arrogance.

Jasmine5552 · 05/02/2022 17:16

However, people have mentioned that I am quiet in the past and I never know how to respond to that.

FiremanSid · 05/02/2022 17:17

I think this was very rude of the husband and although in care it's necessary to put up with some bad behaviour from people with dementia you shouldn't have to take it from their relatives too. I'm amazed by the attitudes on this thread. There is a care crisis and it's incredibly hard to find a good carer. Whether or not they're super chatty having only been there a few times really shouldn't matter. To the OP if this kind of thing happens often I'd look for another job somewhere you are more appreciated. All sectors are hiring and many pay better. Alternatively, maybe try working in a hospital where you have more people around you to back you up. I suspect they'd like a hard worker, with experience, who doesn't waste time on unnecessary chat.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 17:18

Here's a message for you. I'm not in the wrong job, i am good at my work. I'm not thick, i don't lack understanding, I'm not arrogant and i can take other viewpoints than my own. I won't be picked on on the internet by random bitchy people. Good bye

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 17:18

Some of your disgusting attitudes reek too trust me

OP posts:
Drivingmisspotty · 05/02/2022 17:20

Oh I hate this so much OP. I am shy/quiet and I had these comments at school. ‘You’re very quiet aren’t you?!’ Agh just made me want to ground to swallow me up and EVERY single thing I might have said fly out of my mind.

I never worked out what the ‘right’ answer is sorry because we all grew up and nobody has said it since.

I agree he was rude. But I think it’s best to shrug it off as much as you can. Maybe possibly he is feeding back that he wants you to speak louder/joke around more but more likely he just lacks social skills and manners himself. Anyway as long as you are professional, friendly and speak loudly and clearly I doubt you need to worry.

Zippyunzipped · 05/02/2022 17:21

Well I think the OP just took her mask off. That husband was spot on.

Original poster
Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof · 05/02/2022 17:22

You can talk to a brick wall for all the good it does you, you're clearly a bully and i won't accept it

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 05/02/2022 17:24

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

Here's a message for you. I'm not in the wrong job, i am good at my work. I'm not thick, i don't lack understanding, I'm not arrogant and i can take other viewpoints than my own. I won't be picked on on the internet by random bitchy people. Good bye
You're an absolute peach, OP.

Perfect illustration of what I and other posters have said, your resort to insults such as bitchy and the irony of calling other posters rude when this is how you behave is not lost on anyone.

user1471554720 · 05/02/2022 17:25

I would laugh and say, I would never say that people were a loud pain in front of them. Then give the person who said it a hard stare and laugh. You get your message across while remainig friendly. You also show them that you can stand up for yourself. If you find a few of them saying you are quiet within earshot ask them if they want to say anything else about you and laugh.

I find that sonetimes people can be a bit disrespectful or cheeky towards you if you are quiet. They think you won"t say anything back.