Not sure why people have to say you're shy, in front of everyone

[Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof]

I've had this a few times. I'm 30 but get mistaken for younger, I'm softly spoken and quiet, I am shy with people i don't really know.
However when people say 'she/he is chatty/outgoing'. It's seen as a compliment.

On the other hand you wouldn't say 'she/he never shuts up' in front of people so why's it ok to point out shyness?

It happened to me this morning. A lady with dementia who i very occasionally look after, I've met them twice before. So i don't really know her or her husband, but the other carer goes every day nearly.

This other carer said to the lady's husband 'X says she's been here a couple of times before."

The husband replies as if I'm not there. "I know, she's very shy, she hides behind her mask."

What exactly am I supposed to say to that? How do these people want me to react?

It's not said to make me feel good or happy so what's the point? I also think they believe they can get away with it as they see me as a 'young girl'.

How would you react? Obviously I don't want to start discussions in front of the client with dementia or anyone else for that matter.

why being a bit quiet and shy is seen as so negative in life

That is not my experience. I get introduced or described as quiet, thoughtful, a deep thinker, serene, calm, relaxed, self-controlled, restrained, demure …

A couple of times I have been described as shy but never in a negative way. I think tone and intent are important though.

When the carer said that, I replied by saying yes I've been twice before

The way you are coming across here OP is not as, a quiet or shy person. You are quite opinionated.
Maybe the husband has spotted that there is more to you and your quietness is a choice.

Is it that you are shy or you are introverted and have less to say?

I wouldn't take what he said offensively necessarily, perhaps he was just making an observation.

I work in a similar field and I used to worry about not having enough to say, and then I realised that actually it's ok because sometimes it has a calming effect and it gives the person you are looking after time to speak.

Also different personalities match each other, so for example some clients may not want a loud carer who never stops taking!

I think what the husband is communicating with you (in not an ideal manner) is that they perceive you as hiding away and not being fully engaged with them.

That's a problem if you are a carer for them. Theres no one right approach,Some people prefer carers that are less in your face, others need to be put at ease. However your approach clearly isn't being recieved well here

The hiding behind a mask thing, would insinuate to me that they think you aren't engaged, they get the impression that you don't want to be there etc

Just as louder people have to adapt their approach when someone prefers gentleness, this seems like you need to adapt your approach

I think people are rude and thoughtless to say this. Can you think of a quick come back?

I feel the same when I'm told my skin is pale (in a rude, get yourself some fake tan woman kind of way). I reply that yes, I do have fair skin. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING!!

You've said that you are shy and quiet as a person in your op, so the man has made an accurate observation
I'm fairly quiet and shy, so understand some of the shitty things people can say, but we all like different qualities in people, for every person that prefers the extrovert, chatty carer, others will appreciate your quieter more listening approach.
And I have observed chatty people getting negative feedback, they are just better at rebuffing it. Just own your quieter nature and try to think of a few appropriate comebacks, if someone comments on it.
Not everyone will like us, regardless of how introverted, or extroverted we are.

I’m not sure why some characteristics are fair game but others are considered rude.

It’s fine to say you are too quiet/too pale/too skinny but not ok to say that you never shut up/your fake tan is orange and you’re over weight.

I think some extroverted people, who say every thing that crosses their minds, worry about what’s not being said because they assume that you are holding back for some reason but still thinking all these things silently. That’s a bit unnerving.

When I’m around talkative people or in crowds I find it hard to think - I crave silence so I can hear my thoughts. I do have a rich internal life but not when I’m actually with people. I think if your brain isn’t wired that way, it’s very hard to imagine it.

In a professional context though you have to cultivate a persona. Try and develop a stream of patter (about the weather, current events) and lots of questions of interest. One of my df’s carers always asks if he’s going somewhere nice for the weekend (he’s bedbound) and he loves it because he still thinks that he might … just not this weekend. It’s a silly thing that I would never ask because it would feel insensitive. It’s also predictably routine and lots of people like that in a carer.

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

I do get other rude comments, not about that but other things which largely come from people with dementia. But here i just want to talk about why being a bit quiet and shy is seen as so negative in life, why do we all have to be the same?

It’s not, though. And we don’t all have to be the same.

You’ve chosen to illustrate your point (which may be more general) with a specific instance of someone being rude by talking about you as if you weren’t there.

In general, being quieter is not a bad thing but it does have drawbacks (as being excessively loud does too) and as part of being a social human you need to mitigate your behaviour to fit into social norms.

I generally prefer chatty people but I'd never say anything to make people feel bad

I think in all honesty neither perspective can claim superiority because these threads are always full of the quiet implying that extroverts are vulgar and stupid and extroverts implying that quiet introverts are snobbish and judgemental. Both sides seem to believe they are being picked on by the other.

I'm not sure what real world some pp live in but in my experience it's no more acceptable to target someone for being quiet than it is to tell someone they are too much. Personal comments either way are not OK.

I've been in care services for a long time and you are being unreasonable about taking such issue with the spouse. You should know better. There is very much a place for both quiet and extrovert in care depending on the service users needs. Its quite silly to get upset because you don't fit the profile for one call. I've heard the same issue the other way around.

For my part I'm personally getting frustrated with the apparent requirement of a lot of people, both quiet and extroverted , for other people to run their responses around their sensitivities. This is getting silly. There's been several threads on the offence just being called quiet has caused, and they almost always contain a phrase along the lines of "at least I don't talk rubbish constantly" or "since when is not jabbering on a bad thing" if you can't see the implied insult to that it's worrying. Don't attempt to claim being picked on when you are doing it elsewhere.

It's absolutely rubbish to say extroverts don't get the same kick back, they absolutely do.

Perhaps if we all quite simply let each other be without needing to prove that our way of being is better than someone else's we would all have an easier time.

I'm a huge introvert that through necessity and job role can appear to be an extrovert. Neither side is superior.

@Igneo

Being quiet and saying little is not a helpful way to behave around this couple? They are letting you know that they need you to show some personality in order for them to recognise/ remember and therefore trust you?

Why does OP need to play up to her client’s husband? She is not caring for him.

Show some personalty is so rude, I doubt you’re a riot at work.

@Momicrone

I generally prefer chatty people but I'd never say anything to make people feel bad

And do you make the effort yourself, or do you expect other people to hold the conversational ball all the time?

I used to be much quieter when I was younger and have no idea why people think it's something it's OK to comment on. Not only is it rude but completely counterproductive as it's pretty much guaranteed to make someone self conscious and not know what to say!

When my DMIL had to have carers she had one that never stopped chatting. It drove her mad though I'm sure she wasn't rude enough to point it out! You can never please everyone !

Funny that people say you need to 'show some personality' what do you mean by that?
Being quiet/shy is a personality....

"show some personality" is a daft way of saying be 'loud, crazy, spontaneous, silly' I'm guessing...

I'm very impressed that you're a carer. I could never imagine doing such a people oriented job as a 'shy' (and perceived as) person. He's caring for someone with dementia, he's stressed, he's probably hard of hearing. I think after a while you'll becom quite loudly spoken and breezy as that's really the best way to interact with people when you're a carer - confident, audible and cheerfully direct. You'll find the ability soon enough

@lemongrasstea

I'm very impressed that you're a carer. I could never imagine doing such a people oriented job as a 'shy' (and perceived as) person. He's caring for someone with dementia, he's stressed, he's probably hard of hearing. I think after a while you'll becom quite loudly spoken and breezy as that's really the best way to interact with people when you're a carer - confident, audible and cheerfully direct. You'll find the ability soon enough

I was a great carer, and I'm not particularly outgoing. But I am calm, caring and will have a quiet chat with anyone The main feedback I got was how I always seemed very calm and never stressed or panicky if anything went wrong

@lemongrasstea

I'm very impressed that you're a carer. I could never imagine doing such a people oriented job as a 'shy' (and perceived as) person. He's caring for someone with dementia, he's stressed, he's probably hard of hearing. I think after a while you'll becom quite loudly spoken and breezy as that's really the best way to interact with people when you're a carer - confident, audible and cheerfully direct. You'll find the ability soon enough

Eh??? Why would he automatically be hard if hearing? And no, there is not one best way of interacting with relatives or the individual being cared for. And his comment of “hiding behind her mask” was downright bloody ignorant.

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

"show some personality" is a daft way of saying be 'loud, crazy, spontaneous, silly' I'm guessing...

and there you have it straight to a ridiculous and judgemental extreme.

The husband was responding to the carer talking to him about you:

This other carer said to the lady's husband X says she's been here a couple of times before.

The husband replies as if I'm not there. I know, she's very shy, she hides behind her mask.

He clearly feels that you don't interact with them he has that impression of you given by you from the times you have been there.

I think he was rude to speak about you in front of you.
But I think with care work communication is really important, you don't have to be 'loud spontaneous or silly' but you have to be able to connect with people properly.
Some people can perceive shyness as rudeness.
Doesn't mean they are right of course but it's all about perception, especially in care work.
I would prefer someone warm, chatty and friendly to talk to.
I have done care work before and I felt that was part of my job to convey myself that way.

You can be warm and still quiet, I did make conversation with the family and that's all I'm required to do. I'm not required to act like best friends, have an hour long conversation and recite my top 10 funniest moments to them.

I'm sure he has a very stressful life but it's not an excuse to be rude and as i said he had a smirk when commenting.

@Ridiculeisnothingtobescaredof

You can be warm and still quiet, I did make conversation with the family and that's all I'm required to do. I'm not required to act like best friends, have an hour long conversation and recite my top 10 funniest moments to them.

As you’ve clearly decided that they were being rude and YANBU, why ask us? If you’re not willing to engage with alternative viewpoints, then what’s the point of this post? Validation?

If i had taken off the mask he'd have probably complained too that I'm not following COVID measures