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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh bullying my son?

133 replies

trixey · 04/02/2022 21:37

My son is autistic, goes to an sen school, he loves animals. He has no proper friends sadly. We adopted a cat about a year ago. DS adores the cat.

Every now and then Dh will joke to DS that he's going to take the cat away. DS laughs but the joke carries on until DS asks me if Dh is being serious. I of course say he is joking.

It's becoming a bit if a thing. Maybe once a week. I should add that Dh isn't DS father. It's his step father.

I don't see anything funny with this. I have asked Dh to stop but that 'joke' continues.

I know in my head what I feel...I'll see if you all agree with me.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 05/02/2022 13:31

Keep the cat rehome your partner

MsDogLady · 05/02/2022 22:29

Kudos for making your exit plan, Trixey.

This abuser is a nasty piece of work to taunt and torment your son about losing his pet, his outing, and Christmas—the things that bring him peace and happiness. He is truly the lowest of the low.

When he tries to hoover you later with promises to change, don’t fall for it.

Good luck to you and your dear son, Trixey.

Pd88 · 05/02/2022 23:01

It may sound extreme, but I think you need to get this man out of your life. It's not fair at all, it's heartless. He knows what he is doing.

SanFranBear · 06/02/2022 12:03

Hope it's going well for you today and you're all managing to get out safely!

HW1989 · 06/02/2022 12:15

You sound like an amazing mum and well done for noticing this behaviour and doing something about it. Best of luck OP.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 06/02/2022 12:19

Why the hell would you let this continue? You must protect your son.

Hdhr8jsj · 06/02/2022 12:39

Good for you .. when are you leaving ?

hiredandsqueak · 06/02/2022 12:44

Awful, dd is similar she thinks the world of our little rescue dog, it would be beyond cruel to tease her that we were getting rid of it. Your h is a nasty bully, your son deserves far better, you know what you need to do.

MatildaTheCat · 06/02/2022 12:46

Good luck with your move. Congratulations for putting your son first and getting help. Not easy in practice.

ddl1 · 06/02/2022 13:15

This is very nasty. I have never liked the sort of 'joke' that involves trying to worry or frighten someone else, especially a child. And especially when it involves a living creature. And someone who's autistic is likely to have even more problems distinguishing 'jokes' from serious threats than most children do.

theremustonlybeone · 06/02/2022 13:33

I knew the minute i read the title that this man was a step father. I am also not surprised it all turned when he hormones hit. The old gorilla man appears, to remind young man who is boss man. The issue here is your DS is an autistic person and your husband is using this to cause distress. It is very calculated and nasty. I am glad your removing your son way from this situation,

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2022 13:39

Good luck with the move, @trixey.

Original poster
trixey · 06/02/2022 14:06

It wasn't every day. Some days he was nice, pleasant to be around. Some days he didn't really speak to either of us. Somedays he would just wind him up.

I did used to ask him to stop. Especially when I spoke to his school and they would say he would struggle with kids in his class joking with me. I'd always say 'he's struggled at school today' and he would always say 'I'll stop joking with him, I'm only messing around'

And he would stop for a couple of weeks. Then it would come back again.

Or DS would say 'you're not going to get rid of the cat are you?' And the reply from him would be 'yep he's going tomorrow' or something like that.

I won't say the bullying was constant. If it was then I would of been gone along time ago.

I have left this morning.

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 06/02/2022 14:13

Well done on leaving.

You would benefit from the freedom programme. This… It wasn't every day. Some days he was nice is the cycle of abuse. This is typical abusive behaviour. If they were utter abusive shits all the time, it would be easier to decide to leave.

ProudThrilledHappy · 06/02/2022 14:21

Well done OP I hope your Ds is coping ok with the change

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2022 14:27

@trixey

Thanks all.

Replies were as I obviously suspected. When you are in it, Dh is laughing like he's really just joking. He does end up sometimes saying 'oh I'm only joking, I'd never get rid of the cat'

There's absolutely no need for his behaviour.

As a step father, he doesn't show love as in he isn't affectionate with with DS. Doesn't really do anything with him at all tbh. It's as DS has grown older, (he's 13) they have drifted apart.

In all seriousness, why are you with him?

While he lives with you this won't stop.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2022 14:27

@trixey

It wasn't every day. Some days he was nice, pleasant to be around. Some days he didn't really speak to either of us. Somedays he would just wind him up.

I did used to ask him to stop. Especially when I spoke to his school and they would say he would struggle with kids in his class joking with me. I'd always say 'he's struggled at school today' and he would always say 'I'll stop joking with him, I'm only messing around'

And he would stop for a couple of weeks. Then it would come back again.

Or DS would say 'you're not going to get rid of the cat are you?' And the reply from him would be 'yep he's going tomorrow' or something like that.

I won't say the bullying was constant. If it was then I would of been gone along time ago.

I have left this morning.

Sorry, cross post.

Well done.

What are your circumstances now?

viques · 06/02/2022 14:32

Do you remember that tv advert a few years ago , the punch line was “Daddy or chips?”

You have a similar dilemma “Twat or cat?”.

I think your choice is easier.

viques · 06/02/2022 14:33

Oh, I see you have made it!

Well done, you, your son and the cat will all have much happier lives without the bully upsetting you all so meanly.

DreamerSeven · 06/02/2022 14:50

@trixey

It wasn't every day. Some days he was nice, pleasant to be around. Some days he didn't really speak to either of us. Somedays he would just wind him up.

I did used to ask him to stop. Especially when I spoke to his school and they would say he would struggle with kids in his class joking with me. I'd always say 'he's struggled at school today' and he would always say 'I'll stop joking with him, I'm only messing around'

And he would stop for a couple of weeks. Then it would come back again.

Or DS would say 'you're not going to get rid of the cat are you?' And the reply from him would be 'yep he's going tomorrow' or something like that.

I won't say the bullying was constant. If it was then I would of been gone along time ago.

I have left this morning.

Good for you for leaving, you’re putting your child first and hopefully getting out before the “banter” escalated further.
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 06/02/2022 15:05

Ltb

WhatisanODP · 06/02/2022 15:16

I’ve read the full thread, and honestly well done for leaving him.

If he’s that much of a charmer I’m sure he will be trying to push his way back in though.

You sound like an amazing mum, you’ve given him chance after chance to stop, and your putting your son first. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise x

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 06/02/2022 15:22

I tell my family the cats are going every time I find a bloody decapitated mouse next to my bed. But they all know I'm joking, I love the cats more than they do, they aren't really bothered with them.

It's only funny if everyone is included in the joke. Saying you are going to get rid of his beloved cat when he has other struggles to contend with too is really cruel. Especially if it is just out of the blue when he does it.

Original poster
trixey · 06/02/2022 15:31

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

I tell my family the cats are going every time I find a bloody decapitated mouse next to my bed. But they all know I'm joking, I love the cats more than they do, they aren't really bothered with them.

It's only funny if everyone is included in the joke. Saying you are going to get rid of his beloved cat when he has other struggles to contend with too is really cruel. Especially if it is just out of the blue when he does it.

Yes this is what I find hard. If he was bringing mice in (he doesn't as we don't have a cat flap) or weeing everywhere I would sort of get it. We all get worked up when pets make a mess in our homes - in the moment.

But this was sometimes just out of the blue. Or not could be when DS was stroking the cat or giving the cat some attention.

Sometimes he would say 'I'm the cats favourite person in this house'

The thing is, exh really loved the cat too. If he didn't like the cat then it's still cruel but there would be a reason behind it. But he loves the cat just as much as the rest of us

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 06/02/2022 15:39

So he tells your autistic child the thing he loves will be taken away from him. Absolutely fucking hallarious. Your not so 'd' h is a dick. I would hate this so much!