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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh bullying my son?

133 replies

trixey · 04/02/2022 21:37

My son is autistic, goes to an sen school, he loves animals. He has no proper friends sadly. We adopted a cat about a year ago. DS adores the cat.

Every now and then Dh will joke to DS that he's going to take the cat away. DS laughs but the joke carries on until DS asks me if Dh is being serious. I of course say he is joking.

It's becoming a bit if a thing. Maybe once a week. I should add that Dh isn't DS father. It's his step father.

I don't see anything funny with this. I have asked Dh to stop but that 'joke' continues.

I know in my head what I feel...I'll see if you all agree with me.

OP posts:
DoctorManhattan · 04/02/2022 22:16

It’s bullying disguised as humour. I’m sure many of us have encountered those who are sly enough to do it. And when they’re called out, they try and gaslight you. “You have no sense of humour!” . . . . . “I’m only joking around, lighten up!” . . .

I don’t like any form of bullying, but given the choice I prefer the in-your-face bullies who are at least open about their intentions. This underhanded type of bullying is just devious.

FangsForTheMemory · 04/02/2022 22:17

My father used to make 'jokes' like this, taking away things he knew mattered to me: pets, my bedroom. He'd keep on until I got upset and then get angry and say it was his house so he could if he wanted.

The bastard. I was so glad to move out.

Great that you are leaving on Sunday.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 04/02/2022 22:21

That man needs to be removed form your son’s life and thank goodness you are going to make this happen
He’s verging on sadistic

Original poster
trixey · 04/02/2022 22:22

I know how cruel and wrong it is but when you are living it, it's different. The joke just comes out of no where, it lasts a couple of minutes then it's done and they are both back to normal. The minute DS finds out it's a joke, he's forgotten it (well he hasn't but he's not talking about it anymore) and I'm just sat there like WTF?!?!

I've been opening up to my parents for the last couple of months but they, like everyone, struggles to see it because he's so frigging charming.

OP posts:
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 04/02/2022 22:22

What a bullying twat, so glad you are leaving him on Sunday

Good Luck x

Honest2you · 04/02/2022 22:25

@trixey this guy doesn't deserve you or your sons patience. Enough is enough. If he doesn't stop after a serious talking to, and yes I very much think one is needed, then it's goodbye. Your sweet son's well-being comes first. Best of luck. You will both be fine x

jay55 · 04/02/2022 22:30

Best of luck for Sunday.

JamSandwich0 · 04/02/2022 22:30

Good luck OP ❤

You sound like an amazing mum x

Original poster
trixey · 04/02/2022 22:33

@JamSandwich0

Good luck OP ❤

You sound like an amazing mum x

Thank you so much. I know people reading this will think I'm terrible for putting up with it but it really is very hard when you are living it.

He's never been physically violent to myself or DS, it's all mental which is sometimes just invisible. I've been speaking to womens aid and things slowly becoming clearer

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 04/02/2022 22:38

Good luck OP. I've no idea what DH did to you, but be proud of yourself for doing what is right for both of you. My ASD son remembers everything. I see his pain everytime he recalls something horrible done to him. Bless you both xxx

SanFranBear · 04/02/2022 22:44

Neither of my children have additional needs but would be absolutely destroyed at the thought of of either of our cats being rehomed.. and even worse, this was a treasured pet of a deceased relative - so cruel.

I was delighted to see your update about Sunday - stay strong and the very best of luck.. I'll be thinking of you all Flowers

Hankunamatata · 04/02/2022 22:44

Sometimes op its insidious. It creeps up on you. Yep he is being an arse. My own dh used to do similar to our dc as they dont get sarcasm or jokes. We had some pretty big arguments and he ended up going to parenting classes for additional needs kids.

Hankunamatata · 04/02/2022 22:46

Just read my post back. I'm not saying you should try and work it out. Exit strategy sounds best option. I had to as he was kids bio dad and he would be seeing our dc even if we split

bigdecisionstomake · 04/02/2022 22:48

Words fail me - this is unbelievably cruel behaviour. I think you only need to have asked once for him to stop and if this has happened again (and by the sound of it multiple times) then this man needs to be out of both your lives as soon as possible. I don't say that lightly.

This is a recipe for a child growing up really insecure as they never know quite what is true and what is not and what can be trusted and what can't. There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour around any child, never mind a non neurotypical one. The potential damage it's causing is catastrophic.

Gilly12345 · 04/02/2022 22:54

Your DH sounds horrible, is this it or is he cruel in other ways?

Time for a serious conversation?

GayParis · 04/02/2022 23:31

@bigdecisionstomake

Words fail me - this is unbelievably cruel behaviour. I think you only need to have asked once for him to stop and if this has happened again (and by the sound of it multiple times) then this man needs to be out of both your lives as soon as possible. I don't say that lightly.

This is a recipe for a child growing up really insecure as they never know quite what is true and what is not and what can be trusted and what can't. There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour around any child, never mind a non neurotypical one. The potential damage it's causing is catastrophic.

This in spades.

It's just creating such a mistrusting environment that poor kid won't know what he can take as true and he'll be constantly looking out for signs of a "joke" or if something isn't serious.

The damage has been done but fuck me tell DH if it doesn't stop he's out on his arse. It's just cruel!!

Tempusfudgeit · 04/02/2022 23:31

My sister's son is autistic, a gentle soul. The bullying behaviour of the 'man' she chose to inflict upon him in his childhood/early teens has led to long-lasting mental health problems in my nephew (recently sectioned for a year with psychosis) Her partner was a cruel bully, and she was a weak fool for allowing it to go on for so long. I'm angry with them both.

GrandRapids · 04/02/2022 23:36

Yeah well you'll have the last laugh when you leave him. I bet he won't see that coming. I'd love to see his face when you tell him that you've made your choice. The cat stays and he can fuck off.

AutomaticMoon · 04/02/2022 23:41

@ThinWomansBrain

retort to DS that DH will be sent away first. Not joking, obvs
Perfect solution! And then send him away.
Lucinda7 · 04/02/2022 23:42

You don't make nasty jokes to autistic people of any age. They don't get it. Well done for sorting this OP. I have an autistic DC and would not tolerate it either.

Original poster
trixey · 05/02/2022 08:56

I didn't expect any other replies to this post than the ones I've got. Like I say, he's clever, he doesn't shout, he doesn't get angry. He's just a clever bully .

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 05/02/2022 08:58

Start joking about getting rid of the husband.

HollowTalk · 05/02/2022 09:13

I'm really glad you're getting out of there. He sounds very cruel.

Lovemylittlebear · 05/02/2022 09:19

He’s being a dick

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2022 09:25

What a horrible little man. Well done on putting your son (and the cat!) first and doing something about it. There's a thread currently running where the OP is having a baby with a man who treats her son like crap, if only she had the strength to be a better mother and protect him

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