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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh bullying my son?

133 replies

trixey · 04/02/2022 21:37

My son is autistic, goes to an sen school, he loves animals. He has no proper friends sadly. We adopted a cat about a year ago. DS adores the cat.

Every now and then Dh will joke to DS that he's going to take the cat away. DS laughs but the joke carries on until DS asks me if Dh is being serious. I of course say he is joking.

It's becoming a bit if a thing. Maybe once a week. I should add that Dh isn't DS father. It's his step father.

I don't see anything funny with this. I have asked Dh to stop but that 'joke' continues.

I know in my head what I feel...I'll see if you all agree with me.

OP posts:

Redarrow2017 · 05/02/2022 09:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sceptre86 · 05/02/2022 09:48

Ltb. Aim higher next time. Any partner you have will be a role model to your son, think about that. I really wouldn't be giving him another chance.

Liverbird77 · 05/02/2022 09:56

Bully.

Original poster

trixey · 05/02/2022 09:59

I thought he was a role model to be honest. As said, when he was younger, they were great. But it's just as DS has grown it's all changed. Probably as DS is getting bigger and is actually quite grown up for his age.

Everyone loves him. He's chatty, tries to be funny, will speak to anyone and everyone. Will help anyone, go out of his way constantly. But there's just this nasty side to him. I don't know how he's done it as he doesn't shout but if he did, he won't speak to me for 2/3 days.

To me he always makes promises about changing things but they never happen. I get fed up of hearing about it.

He's not supportive with DS and his sen. Sometimes he will ask how an appointment goes and I will tell him but then he will say nothing back. Or he will say 'oh right' or 'oh good' but it doesn't sound sincere.

But then I think he isn't his actual dad so those feelings of love won't be there.

OP posts:

AgathaMystery · 05/02/2022 10:02

Good luck OP. You sound like a cracking mum. I wish you freedom & happiness.

BridStar · 05/02/2022 10:12

Unrelated men are a great danger to children. 'Stepfather' can find his own place to live if you want to keep associating with someone who bullies children, but it's damaging to torment your son by having this man in your home.

Suzanne999 · 05/02/2022 10:19

He’s a nasty bully. Obviously derives pleasure from distressing your son —- why else would he do this?
I’d tell him he either stops or leaves. And if he stops watch he doesn’t move on to something more subtle.

Original poster

trixey · 05/02/2022 10:47

@Suzanne999

He’s a nasty bully. Obviously derives pleasure from distressing your son —- why else would he do this? I’d tell him he either stops or leaves. And if he stops watch he doesn’t move on to something more subtle.

I have no idea why he would. Theres just something deep inside that isn't right. He's absolutely lovely to everyone but the very closest people to him

OP posts:

Sloth66 · 05/02/2022 10:59

That’s horrible. It’s not a joke, it’s abuse and bullying

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 11:00

You can't change him.

Good luck moving out.
Remember to take anything of value to you.

You sound like a great mum.

Inspectorslack · 05/02/2022 11:03

Good luck. You’re doing the right thing.

Wat2do222 · 05/02/2022 11:20

For the record OP, I 100% you leaving this man as obv other factors are also at play. My dad has this 'humour' and thinks its hilarious to wind us and grandchildren up, we pull him up on it and it stops only to be done again over and over. I totally understand that it has taken some time to realise that it is part of a bigger issue he has, well done for having the strength to be your sons advocate and not tolerate this!

bofski14 · 05/02/2022 11:46

What a prick. Next time he laughs it off or says it's a joke specifically ask him "Explain why this is funny". I used to have a man in my life who would be vile and then say "I'm only having a laugh. It's a joke. Don't be so sensitive". Asking them to explain the joke or why it is funny always stumps bullies like this. I'm sorry but your husband is beyond cruel. He's toying with an autistic child's emotions and it's not ok!

toppkatz · 05/02/2022 11:56

Your DH really doesn't understand that people with autism will take things literally, does he?

maddening · 05/02/2022 12:07

I would start laughing and in a joking way mention divorce if he doesn't desist immediately, followed by "but I am not joking "

Andouillette · 05/02/2022 12:21

@toppkatz

Your DH really doesn't understand that people with autism will take things literally, does he?

Oh I think he understands that all too well, that's why he's doing it and why he is such a horror.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/02/2022 12:27

Glad you have an exit plan OP.

You, your son and the cat make a lovely little family

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 12:29

@toppkatz

Your DH really doesn't understand that people with autism will take things literally, does he?

I think he absolutely does understand this and he's weaponising it to unsettle and upset OP's son. It's nasty and cruel. He knows exactly what he's doing. Which is why she needs to get out of this relationship asap.

ChargingBuck · 05/02/2022 12:50

But then I think he isn't his actual dad so those feelings of love won't be there.

A parent does not need a biological connection in order to love a child.
My dad (step, from early age) loved me far more than my bio mother did.
I have a stepchild, & love them unconditionally.

DH could have loved DS. But he is not a loving man. He is a superficially charming bully, who likes to hide his gameplaying behind closed doors.

Well done for refusing to tolerate it OP< & I'm glad you have your parents' support.

SalsaLove · 05/02/2022 12:53

@Berthatydfil

He’s a cunt

This in spades.

KarmaStar · 05/02/2022 12:54

Start 'joking' to your dh about HIM leaving if he doesn't stop immediately.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2022 12:54

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

Your husband is a spiteful twat.

As so often, first response nails it.

Your poor DS 💔

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/02/2022 12:55

That is emotional abuse. Throw it out with the trash. Your poor DS

hannsmum · 05/02/2022 12:56

He's an arseH...

Thelnebriati · 05/02/2022 13:17

Good luck with the move

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