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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is child neglect?

96 replies

Ataloss23 · 03/02/2022 19:40

I don't want to go too much into the ins and outs as its very outing, but im hoping to get some opinions.

A good friend of mine is having a really bad time in life. They have previously had issues with drink - prior to having children - which I believed was under control. This week their drinking in the evening became even more apparent and I'm aware over the past 3 days they have been blackout drunk all day, while in charge of two young toddlers. Their rationale is that there is another relative in the house who can care for the children. This relative is not a parent.

I've tried to support them, offering to take the children for a few nights so they can pull themselves together but this was rejected. I've been supportive through all of their ups and downs, but I just cant support this. I have phoned SS once tonight to ask for anonymous advice, to which they advised, among other things, that child protection is everyone's responsibility and that so very true, it's just so hard to do this to them.

My friend is adament that what they are doing is okay as there is another adult present. Its almost making me think that I'M the one who is being unreasonable as I don't drink very often.

I love them very much, and I love their children as if they were my own, but I'm willing to have them hate me and lose our friendship if it means I know the kids are safe.

YABU — It IS okay to drink excessively around your children if there is another adult present

YANBU - You shouldn't drink excessively while around your children

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 03/02/2022 19:42

Who is the other adult and are they caring for the children?

AutumnLeaves21 · 03/02/2022 19:43

Fucking hell. What an awful situation for everyone involved. Those poor kids 😢 YANBU. Would you report to SS? It’s for your friends benefit as much as the kids. Sounds really tough Flowers

Original poster
Ataloss23 · 03/02/2022 19:47

The other adult is a grandparent, who lives with them. They have not been hands on in the raising of the children to my knowledge, more present in the home and outings, than alone time with kids before if that makes sense?

OP posts:
RedChapter · 03/02/2022 19:47

I'd say the other adult isn't doing enough to protect the children from their mum being in that state at home with them, so you do need to step in and do something. You can't let this continue, it's damaging to children to live in that environment.

incornerreading · 03/02/2022 19:47

Is the other adult a responsible person who has agreed to take care of the kids? Or do they just happen to be there in the house and aren’t particularly watching them?
Either way you need to tell your friend that she can’t do this self-destruct thing as a parent and she can’t expect you to enable her, tell her you care too much both about her and her children to do that. Keep an eye and sadly you do need to think about calling social services if it carries on like this. Maybe that will give her the wake up call she needs for rehab

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/02/2022 19:47

No she shouldn't be drinking that way but if there is another adult present the immediate risk is lessened. She needs to get help though, and quickly. This will escalate.

pitterpatterrain · 03/02/2022 19:47

Is the real question SS now, or later when the DC are at school and the teachers or other adults notice and report?

Original poster
Ataloss23 · 03/02/2022 19:49

I'm very close to reporting to SS. I will do it, just not tonight, I want to give them an opportunity to wake up sober and have a think about what I've said. I've told them that I feel I have no other choice than to report to SS.

I love the kids too much to see them in danger. I just don't know if they technically are in danger because there is another adult present

OP posts:
esloquehay · 03/02/2022 19:49

As a recovering alcoholic who was reported to social services by a friend for drinking excessively whilst caring for young DC, please DO report this. Reporting this was the best thing a friend could have done for me at the time.

esloquehay · 03/02/2022 19:50

More importantly, it was the best thing she could have done for my children.

Original poster
Ataloss23 · 03/02/2022 19:51

You're right @pitterpatterrain, they haven't gone to nursery this week because they know how it will look

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 19:51

This must be absolutely terrifying for the children. I would report it to SS - nobody likes doing that, but sometimes it is just necessary. I have reported a friend under similar circumstances (not that SS did anything other than make one 5 minute visit and accept the lies they were told, but that's another story).

The friend sounds stuck in a toxic cycle of behaviour - this will be destroying her, as well as damaging the children. Intervening is best for her as well as them, whether she'll see it that way or not Flowers

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 03/02/2022 19:55

Who are the ones who think this is reasonable?

Nemorth · 03/02/2022 19:57

It is not ok to drink excessively around children whether there is another adult there or not.

When I was a teenager I called the Police on my step mum because she was blind drunk and planning on taking my half sister out. Our dad was away with work.

I'd have counted as another adult (I was 18 or 19). I told her "I call the Police if you leave the house with sister" and I did.

The other adult - are they capable of looking after the DC

I don't know if neglect is the right word. My SM only every "looked after us" when she was blind drunk!

The Police explained to my SM that they could charge her. Something along the lines of "being drunk in charge of a child" this was 20+ years ago though.

LouisRenault · 03/02/2022 20:05

Are the children seeing their mother blacked out from drink? Surely that's a safeguarding issue, even if there is another adult there.

Wiseupkid · 03/02/2022 20:06

God no, this is so dangerous. You need to report, and keep reporting whatever the personal cost to your friendship op. It is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Original poster
Ataloss23 · 03/02/2022 20:14

I've got to do it. Just tried to phone there but it's out of hours so the phone was ringing through. I don't believe the kids are in any immediate danger this evening. If anything I think they are all asleep right now. I will phone in the morning.

I'm prepared for them to hate me, I am, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. My fear is just never seeing those kids again, they mean so much to me.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 20:16

You're doing the right thing. I sympathise with your fear about not seeing the children, you obviously care deeply for them, but you know their safety and wellbeing is more important Flowers Flowers Flowers

Summerfun54321 · 03/02/2022 20:19

They missed nursery because their own mum was too drunk to take them all week?! That’s definitely something to be referred to SS. Regardless of who else is in the house.

CrinklyCraggy · 03/02/2022 20:19

If the other adult, regardless of who they are, is a willing and competent babysitter, I'm afraid I don't think social care will be very interested.

coffeeisthebest · 03/02/2022 20:22

It is a call you need to make. I was terrified seeing my mum drunk when I was little and it happened so rarely but I got scared seeing her so out of control. Don't let her children witness their mum like that. Get them the help they need.

Baboutheocelot · 03/02/2022 20:23

You can try your local safeguarding children’s board, they might have an out of hours number.

Original poster
Ataloss23 · 03/02/2022 20:24

@CrinklyCraggy that's my worry, that it won't be seen as an issue as there is a competent adult in the house. And they don't end up getting the help they need as a result.

They were a great parent up until this point, I've never had any concerns but it's like something has just switched. I don't know if this has been a gradual build and I've just been naive and ignorant in not noticing.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/02/2022 20:29

@Baboutheocelot

You can try your local safeguarding children’s board, they might have an out of hours number.
There is no need to refer tonight. Out of hours are there for emergencies not taking referrals.