To want some help buying things for our baby?

[FedUpOfLighteningCrotch]

To cut a long story short; we’ve always kept our finances separate; I pay my own bills, DP pays his own bills. Since having our first child we decided I would pay nursery fee’s, food shopping and my own bills, he pays our mortgage, utility bills and his own.
He earns £700 more than me a month.

Christmas last year was just be buying everything for DS and it was hard financially with his birthday a couple days later.

This year I said I wanted to start budgeting for Christmas early; he said not to worry about it and he would help this year if he could; month by month went buy, I started buying things, he didn’t. So again I did it by myself in my last two pays before Christmas which again was hard and left me short, but he had things to pay for so I can’t complain.

Now we’re moving house, we’ve decided to have a joint bank account once this mortgage is paid and the new one taken out. So the idea is both our wages go into one account, all bills get taken from said account, we then split the rest over savings and give ourselves an ‘allowance’ of disposable money, him for hobbies, me so I can entertain the kids, arrange days out ect.

But as this hasn’t happened yet, and I’m 8 months pregnant; I’ve been paying the nursery bills, my bills, I’ve always brought DS’s clothes, shoes ect with the child benefit, which I’ll likely do the same once DD is here.

But so far DP hasn’t paid for or even offered to pay for anything for DD, he knows that my money is gone on bills and necessities by the second week into every month. He knows I’m struggling - the beauty of getting the new house is we’ve made a fair bit of profit on this house so we’re going to pay off all of our outstanding debts so we have more disposable income.

I’ve mentioned that now we’re only a few weeks off baby coming we need to get the necessities, crib, pushchair, car seat ect.

I’ve just brought the pushchair as it was discounted by £400, was only £139 and can be used for DS too. When I mentioned to DP that if I brought the pram it would completely wipe me out for the rest of the month he didn’t bat an eyelid. I’ve obviously mentioned that we still need a car seat and other basic necessities, decent breast pump ect. He just says “yeah well you can do that next month then can’t you?” But I can’t really, I’m on maternity now. This will be my last 90% pay and then I’ll be on £600 odd a month to cover bills and do the food shop still until we start combining our wages.

I guess I can’t really moan, I’m lucky I have disposable income - but babies are expensive and it’s our baby, I just felt like he should chip in a little bit.

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, maybe AIBU to just want help from the father of the children in buying their basic items? Or just the fact that by him buying maybe a packet of vests or a blanket, contributing in any way would make me feel less like I’m doing it all alone?

Jesus H Christ.

Don't have a third DC with him, OP, that's all I'll say. I feel like DC3 is somewhat inevitable at this stage but seriously - this situation is ridiculous.

Would you want your DD/DS to be with a man like this, or for your DS to behave like this as an adult? Then you shouldn't accept it for yourself.

Please combine your finances. When you have children the concept of "my money" and "your money" shouldn't exist.

I disagree with people berating the guy for 'not paying anything' towards his kid when he is providing a house and bills. It's the distribution of money that is the problem.
I think you should get together ALL you financial info and as much of your partners as possible. Every single source of income and every single bit of expenditure. Then call a meeting with him and try and work out what's fair. He might think your spending on the kids is frivolous and his spending on his hobby essential 🤦🏻‍♀️
Good luck. It certainly doesn't sound fair at the moment.

NC for this.

OP, do you and your partner hope this relationship is permanent? I ask because the doctors for DH think he is nearly through an illness that kills over 75% of those with a similar profile to his. He feels he is coming through because of the way we pulled together to fight it. While most of the effort was obviously his, it has also taken a lot of work as well as emotional stamina and engagement from me. He thinks without that he would be dead.

Reading your post all I could think was, reap what you sow. This may mark me as a much pettier person than you but I don’t think I would have happily exhausted myself for someone like your partner. He would be dead. Unless he changes immediately and substantially.

So he earns substantially more than you each month yet doesn’t provide anything for his children at all and expects you to stump up the cost? What a gem, I can’t understand why you’re upset about this set up at all.

I disagree with people berating the guy for 'not paying anything' towards his kid when he is providing a house and bills. It's the distribution of money that is the problem.

But he seems to pay no mind to anybody else in the family. He's paying bills that he would pretty much have to pay if he lived on his own anyway - and building an asset with the house - and the concept of providing for your children seems quite incidental and arbitrary to him.

OP has already said that he sees it as 'his' money that he shouldn't have to 'share'. - the result being that OP IS forced to 'share' a lot more of her own (significantly lower) income to provide for their joint children.

Unless he's very unintelligent indeed, he must understand when OP says about the baby essentials that need to be bought ASAP and his response, far from expecting to share the parental costs and put his hand in his pocket, is 'oh, wait until YOU can afford them next month' - as if she were lusting after a luxury Radley handbag or something.

As for not even caring about his children getting any Christmas presents: it seems like the sacrificial love that comes instinctively to most parents just isn't in him at all.

Ask him directly what his problem is, why he is earning more and failing to even pay a 50% share of his child's expenses, why does he think it is acceptable and what steps he is going to take between now and Monday to rectify it.

Others have made really good points. One bit that stuck out to me though is that in your plans for future finances, he gets some money each month for his hobbies, while you get some money each month to pay for things for the kids and organise (presumably family) days out. Where is your money for hobbies/going out/doing whatever you want with?

He's a tight arse.

My DH earns more than me but after bills he makes sure we've got the same amount of 'pocket money' each to spend on ourselves.

Why did you ever agree to this? Everything cost wise AND to do with the kids should come out of a joint pot. How does he get away with it?

Tell him you both need to rethink your finances, this month before baby arrives.

*Everything living cost wise

Sorry but I think YABVU to have had a second child with someone who doesn't want to pay for the first. You have allowed this to happen, why on earth are you covering all costs and not insisting he contributes?

I think you absolutely must tell him he should be paying for his own children. Who on earth doesn’t pay when they see their partner clearly struggling? Strikes me as batshit.

Some days I just feel like banging my head against the wall. This is not remotely what our mother’s and grandmother’s meant when they fought for equality and women’s rights. Yet post after post tells the same story, women somehow being duped into thinking they are supposed to take on the both the physical and financial toll of child rearing on all their own.

Op, this isn’t how families are supposed to work. You already suffer an economic penalty from being the gestating parent, from taking on more child caring responsibilities, and as your children get older, like most women you will likely still hold more than your fair share of the mental load. Given that, expecting you to fully support your child is especially egregious. It doesn’t even matter if you are a high earner, statistically and almost inevitably, you will still end up taking an economic penalty by having children. Your partner should recognize.

On a more practical level, please don’t put up with this any more. He needs to support his child. However you decide to work out your household budget, don’t agree to anything that doesn’t give you an amount of disposable income for yourself not your kids that is similar to what he gets for himself.

Just to update:
With the replies I’ve received here having opened my eyes, and the fact that when I brought up buying things for baby it turned into a tit for tat “but I pay for this, I pay more on bills than you, do you want me to just go into debt buying things then because I will and then if we lose the new house you can moan about it”

I think I need to leave
I have thought before he can be pretty gaslighting, and I’ve called him out before for doing so. But I can’t spend my life having to stand my own ground about the person who’s meant to love me and I don’t want my kids around it either.

I’m not really sure where to go from here, I’d really like for it to change; other than any monetary subject he is a wonderful father and partner to be honest; always does more than his fair share of housework and isn’t lazy with DC, he’s great when money isn’t involved.

I don’t know if I’d be naive to sit down and tell him that unless things change then there just isn’t a relationship to be had, or whether to just get my ducks in a row and leave and not gets my hopes up for a change that may well never happen.

Thanks all for the replies. I’m glad I posted even though the outcome is looking pretty sad now.

He should pay more then you though. He earns over £700 a more than you. Proportionate to your earnings you probably out-pay him.
And he's been happy letting you do that.
That's not the sign of a wonderful father and partner, especially when he turns unpleasant when he realises he's been sussed.
I hope you're married?

He should pay more than you, he earns more.

If he genuinely is great at everything else (which I doubt) maybe you can talk to him.
Rather than it be an attack maybe take the current situation out of it and write up all your joint expenses, childcare, food, kids clothing toys days out, gas, electricity etc. Plus any savings goals if you make them a month
You could do this under the guise of helping him since he’s clearly worried about not being able to pay the mortgage.

The key to this is that you take NO ownership of joint things. The ONLY things you take responsibility for are things like you getting your hair or nails done or your personal phone bill. Absolutely Nothing to do with your joint children or your joint house is your bill to pay alone.

You then look at how much this all is. And what percentage of your wages are needed to cover this (eg 90% of each persons monthly wage would cover it) then you look at how much is left and that’s what you each have at the end of the month to live

When it’s in black and white how much you’ve been paying for, and how much money you’ll have left at the end of the month once you equally share everything - then you’ll see his character clearly,
For example there’s no way he can complain about having £100 to spend exclusively on himself if you only have £20 to spend on yourself, and still seem reasonable. There’s no way he can complain about paying for the children he created. And there’s no way he can complain at all because you’re both paying an equal share of your wages

Technically if anything he should give 100% of his wages because I imagine you earn less because you do more childcare - so hes still getting a good deal this way.

💐 op. I’d like my ducks in a row then talk to him
If you have a back up plan it will be easier to talk to him. I’d glad you’re aware of the gaslighting. I would want things to change and then him to go to counseling. He needs to learn how to communicate

Start paying for kids stuff from joint account. He
Will soon realise how much it adds up

Hi, OP-

It must be a very sad time for you, instead of the happy one it should be, and I am sorry about that. But given your comments about gaslighting your decision is probably for the best, I think. Of course you can take your time over it and proceed as slowly as you need to. He may even change. But I would not count on it.

If you do leave please retain a good solicitor and get everything you are entitled to. The situation with the house may be tricky. And don’t forget CMS.

Best wishes

him for hobbies, me so I can entertain the kids, arrange days out

Why does he get to spend his money on hobbies but you spend your money on stuff for the kids.

Anything to do with children (whether it's clothes, nursery fees, nappies, prams, days out, a coffee for you whilst you watch them at soft play) should come out of joint money.

Just RTFT, so sorry to hear his gaslighty response OP. I think you're being really sensible. I'd sit down and chat with him if it were me - if things don't change I will be going - but what you choose to do is up to you. If he doesn't want to pay for things when you're together then I think he'd be a nightmare with CM if you separate, so find yourself a good solicitor for advice.

I'm truly sitting here open mouthed.

Do not put up with this. Your Dh is controlling you. Stand up for yourself and your children or over the years this will only escalate.

No man is worth this. He is a bloody disgrace.