To want some help buying things for our baby?

[FedUpOfLighteningCrotch]

To cut a long story short; we’ve always kept our finances separate; I pay my own bills, DP pays his own bills. Since having our first child we decided I would pay nursery fee’s, food shopping and my own bills, he pays our mortgage, utility bills and his own.
He earns £700 more than me a month.

Christmas last year was just be buying everything for DS and it was hard financially with his birthday a couple days later.

This year I said I wanted to start budgeting for Christmas early; he said not to worry about it and he would help this year if he could; month by month went buy, I started buying things, he didn’t. So again I did it by myself in my last two pays before Christmas which again was hard and left me short, but he had things to pay for so I can’t complain.

Now we’re moving house, we’ve decided to have a joint bank account once this mortgage is paid and the new one taken out. So the idea is both our wages go into one account, all bills get taken from said account, we then split the rest over savings and give ourselves an ‘allowance’ of disposable money, him for hobbies, me so I can entertain the kids, arrange days out ect.

But as this hasn’t happened yet, and I’m 8 months pregnant; I’ve been paying the nursery bills, my bills, I’ve always brought DS’s clothes, shoes ect with the child benefit, which I’ll likely do the same once DD is here.

But so far DP hasn’t paid for or even offered to pay for anything for DD, he knows that my money is gone on bills and necessities by the second week into every month. He knows I’m struggling - the beauty of getting the new house is we’ve made a fair bit of profit on this house so we’re going to pay off all of our outstanding debts so we have more disposable income.

I’ve mentioned that now we’re only a few weeks off baby coming we need to get the necessities, crib, pushchair, car seat ect.

I’ve just brought the pushchair as it was discounted by £400, was only £139 and can be used for DS too. When I mentioned to DP that if I brought the pram it would completely wipe me out for the rest of the month he didn’t bat an eyelid. I’ve obviously mentioned that we still need a car seat and other basic necessities, decent breast pump ect. He just says “yeah well you can do that next month then can’t you?” But I can’t really, I’m on maternity now. This will be my last 90% pay and then I’ll be on £600 odd a month to cover bills and do the food shop still until we start combining our wages.

I guess I can’t really moan, I’m lucky I have disposable income - but babies are expensive and it’s our baby, I just felt like he should chip in a little bit.

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, maybe AIBU to just want help from the father of the children in buying their basic items? Or just the fact that by him buying maybe a packet of vests or a blanket, contributing in any way would make me feel less like I’m doing it all alone?

@WhoAre

This is going to sound rude, but why have you been such a doormat?

Baby 2 is imminent....

Give him a bill for nursery, and your childcare and your cleaning

Men with attitudes like this rarely lift a fucking finger around the house either
Theres another poster who has put her DH can't cope with their toddler alone for a day

WOMEN! Raise your fucking expectations!

The hobbies vs taking kids out is just because he has a certain hobby that he pay for fortnightly, while I don’t really have a specific hobby, I just like to go for days out as a family; I’m happy when the kids are (makes me sound sad and boring I know!) So while he’s not fussed on going to the zoo, aquariums, swimming, soft play ect.. it’s the things that I enjoy so that’s generally where I tend to spend my money if I have any left over. That’s doesn’t bother me, obviously one day if there’s something specific I want to do then that’s where I’d spend my money too.

I think I allowed it with our first child because it did seem fair, the amount our mortgage and bills came to was on par if not slightly more than what I pay for childcare and food shopping so instead of sending DP 50% of bills we just decided that he would take house bills and I would have nursery and food shopping come out of my account. It wasn’t so much of an issue when we were earning a similar wage, but now he’s got a better paying job I’m still left paying ££ while he’s obviously now got much more disposable income and that’s when I started to get a bit when there was no offer or discussion about helping pay for what the kids need ect. That’s when I brought up the joint account when we’re in the new house and all our debts are paid and we’re squared up, because we’re a family unit now and it’s not working with the ‘my money, your money’ situation. He agreed to the joint account, we have got it open but we’ve decided to wait until we move rather than moving over lots of DD to the joint account, as we’ll have much less to move over to the joint.

He’s always been of the ‘I earn my money I don’t think I should share it’ mindset, it took a long time and lots of discussions to make him see that as a family we just can’t be selfish like that.

I’ll put on my big girl pants tonight and ask him to buy some things for baby outright rather than beating around the bush in the hopes he offers, and see what his reply is.

give ourselves an ‘allowance’ of disposable money, him for hobbies, me so I can entertain the kids, arrange days out ect.

This is grossly unfair!

You should be sharing your DCs’ costs. They’re his children too! He’s mean.

Op this is all so so wrong he shouldn't be ' chipping in ' whilst he squirrels his money away and you are left paying for the dc and are left with nothing . Time for a big shake up ! For context there are thousands of stepdads across the country that are paying for their step kids day in day out and willingly too !

@FedUpOfLighteningCrotch

The hobbies vs taking kids out is just because he has a certain hobby that he pay for fortnightly, while I don’t really have a specific hobby, I just like to go for days out as a family; I’m happy when the kids are (makes me sound sad and boring I know!) So while he’s not fussed on going to the zoo, aquariums, swimming, soft play ect.. it’s the things that I enjoy so that’s generally where I tend to spend my money if I have any left over. That’s doesn’t bother me, obviously one day if there’s something specific I want to do then that’s where I’d spend my money too.

I think I allowed it with our first child because it did seem fair, the amount our mortgage and bills came to was on par if not slightly more than what I pay for childcare and food shopping so instead of sending DP 50% of bills we just decided that he would take house bills and I would have nursery and food shopping come out of my account. It wasn’t so much of an issue when we were earning a similar wage, but now he’s got a better paying job I’m still left paying ££ while he’s obviously now got much more disposable income and that’s when I started to get a bit when there was no offer or discussion about helping pay for what the kids need ect. That’s when I brought up the joint account when we’re in the new house and all our debts are paid and we’re squared up, because we’re a family unit now and it’s not working with the ‘my money, your money’ situation. He agreed to the joint account, we have got it open but we’ve decided to wait until we move rather than moving over lots of DD to the joint account, as we’ll have much less to move over to the joint.

He’s always been of the ‘I earn my money I don’t think I should share it’ mindset, it took a long time and lots of discussions to make him see that as a family we just can’t be selfish like that.

I’ll put on my big girl pants tonight and ask him to buy some things for baby outright rather than beating around the bush in the hopes he offers, and see what his reply is.

Stop making excuses for him! He is taking you for an absolute mug and he knows it! You don't need a specific hobby, you are allowed the same amount of money to spend on yourself, could be handbags, fancy coffee, luxury candles or whatever. Family days out, things for the kids, those are joint expenses. Of course as a parent you get enjoyment out of seeing your kids happy by doing these things, I find it telling that he isn't fussed about doing family days out or anything for his children. You do realise as well don't you that not contributing to the mortgage can fuck you over in case of separation? And I bet he knows this too...

Don't you have car seat, pram etc from when your DS was little?

Don't spend money you don't have on baby stuff.

That aside, the financial situation is awful and your DH should not have more money than you. Hes very selfish.

"He’s always been of the ‘I earn my money I don’t think I should share it’ mindset, it took a long time and lots of discussions to make him see that as a family we just can’t be selfish like that."

And there we have it. Your first mistake.

The old " I can get him to change" mindset"

Selfish fuckers NEVER change OP as you are sadly finding out now.

He agreed to the joint account, we have got it open but we’ve decided to wait until we move rather than moving over lots of DD to the joint account, as we’ll have much less to move over to the joint.

you both decided? or he did? fucking its hardly difficult to move a DD

None of this makes any sense to me. But then again I don’t understand couples with kids not having a joint account

It’s one thing to pick up the bill if you decide you want to take the kids for a coffee and snacks. But days out with the kids are a family expense and especially with two of them, the costs really mount up - I have noticed a huge difference this year for things like soft play now my youngest is old enough to be charged at the normal rate. You need to have the same amount of disposable income - and if you choose not to spend yours on a hobby, save it for when you want new shoes, or a facial, or whatever.

It can take some blunt talking and training to get some men to contribute properly. In some cases they genuinely don’t see the issue - because they have no idea of the expenses involved. Christmas presents. School uniform. Kids’ shoes. Kids’ activities like swimming lessons - you won’t get all of that out of child benefit when you have two of them old enough to be doing them.

Whatever you do, don’t shelter him from these costs. He needs to understand how expensive it is to run a family and provide for children. You need to be quite direct with him. Ask why he shouldn’t contribute to his children. Does he see childcare as optional because, really, it’s your job to sort that out?

I don’t think his attitude of it being his money is so unusual - but it’s not acceptable and he is behaving in an appalling way by putting you in this position.

@FelicityBob nor me ! Just sounds so complicated!

@nanbread I do have a big travel system from first DC but it’s very bulky and the idea of assembling a frame and carrycot and trying to get DS to stand on a buggy board for more than 30 second pains me. So I’ve opted for a pushchair where the seat is suitable from birth, can have a extra seat brought and attached if we really struggle and need a tandem, and DS can still go in it in the meantime while I sell our travel system. - the plan is to have baby in a sling, DS in the pram, and swap if/when DS wants to walk for a bit. The car seat is part of the travel system so it will be sold together, but we can of course use the money from that to put towards a car seat.

By the way, I can imagine exactly how he'd be with child maintenance in case of separation based on your posts OP. He would pay the barest minimum he could get away with paying, if anything at all, and would begrudge any single penny that goes out of his wages to them, all the while slagging you off to his mates about how the kids don't cost that much and he's essentially paying for you to get your nails done and go out for meals with your new fancy man. He sounds exactly like that type of bloke.

He agreed to the joint account, we have got it open but we’ve decided to wait until we move rather than moving over lots of DD to the joint account, as we’ll have much less to move over to the joint.

Did he push for this? Seriously moving the DDs over is a lot easier than I thought it would be when we set up our joint account. Write a list of everything that goes out your account and when then he does his. Then once you've paid them that month phone up and change the account details. Or you might be able to do it online. It really is very simple.

@Merryoldgoat

Seriously - how do men learn to do this? Every day is more depressing than the last.

Same. Every day I’m both horrified and completely unsurprised by threads about truly shit men. Utter failures of fathers and human beings. I actually think we’ve talked about it before.

For my own sanity I know I should not read these threads but it’s like cacospectamania.

I’ve never heard such nonsense. And of course you are expecting another child with this useless man. 🙄 in a normal relationship people share costs. They don’t quibble over who buys what. And when I go on mat leave and my salary is reduced my DH will have to shoulder the bills at expense of disposable income for hobbies etc. As WE are having a baby not just me.

OP
What about the mortgage?
Are you named on the mortgage and the house deeds?

Otherwise the person paying the mortgage will get to keep the house if you split up...

You really need to protect yourself here

He's financially abusive and you're being weirdly passive.

WAKE UP

This is just absolutely appalling, OP.

He’s always been of the ‘I earn my money I don’t think I should share it’ mindset, it took a long time and lots of discussions to make him see that as a family we just can’t be selfish like that.

Is he just very, very unintelligent indeed - or does he genuinely think that your two tiny children (one not even yet born) can only have the things they need to survive and thrive if they've earned the money for them themselves?

I get that plenty of couples have arrangements between themselves where they don't share their finances; but once children are in the equation, providing for them is not 'me being super-kind and sharing with them' - it's doing your absolute basic job as a parent, just as your parents did for you when you were a child.

If you don't want to pay for children and prefer to keep your money for yourself, that's an absolutely fine and valid choice - as long as you make sure you never have any children.

The hobbies vs taking kids out is just because he has a certain hobby that he pay for fortnightly, while I don’t really have a specific hobby, I just like to go for days out as a family; I’m happy when the kids are (makes me sound sad and boring I know!) So while he’s not fussed on going to the zoo, aquariums, swimming, soft play ect.. it’s the things that I enjoy so that’s generally where I tend to spend my money if I have any left over.

Also this: it doesn't make you sound sad and boring at all - it makes you sound like a loving and caring parent who wants your children to have a nice childhood. You enjoy going because your children enjoy it, but I seriously doubt that you genuinely enjoy those activities for yourself - that is, you probably wouldn't go and do them on your own, if you didn't have kids.

It's the same with the Christmas presents, really: you should want to buy toys and stuff that, to you as an adult, holds absolutely no interest whatsoever - because your kids will love it, and you love them.

When he says he's not fussed about going to kiddie activities, he's not stating the obvious fact that they aren't really that exciting for an adult - he's actually declaring that he's not fussed about spending time with his kids (and you, as a family) and seeing them have a load of fun.

Now we’re moving house, we’ve decided to have a joint bank account once this mortgage is paid and the new one taken out. So the idea is both our wages go into one account, all bills get taken from said account, we then split the rest over savings and give ourselves an ‘allowance’ of disposable money, him for hobbies, me so I can entertain the kids, arrange days out ect

That's all fine, but the children are not your 'hobby' they're both your responsibility to house, feed, clothe, entertain and parent and the costs of doing this should come out of joint money.

By all means, do the above, but you should get more money, if you're going to be spending some of it on days out and incidentals for the DC.

You're in a very precarious position having DC and not being married when he seems so uninvested in his children.

These threads make me so sad. You sound like a lovely mum and partner and deserve more than this sorry excuse for a man.

OP, get that joint account going asap. It’s not hard to move direct debits and better to do it now then when you’ve got a newborn. ALL costs for the children and the household should be shared, and contribution should be proportionate to earnings, not 50/50. He chose to father children so he can bloody well pay for them. The children are not solely your responsibility to feed, clothe, educate and entertain!

I also echo what everyone else has said PLEASE make sure you are on the deeds and the mortgage, otherwise this situation has the potential to really finally screw you if your relationship breaks down

I can't believe what I'm reading OP. A man who doesn't contribute to the costs of his children. Disgraceful. Why are you with him? He's a disgusting selfish pig.

Also it’s not ‘helping’ when a parent buys something for their child. It’s parenting. I really hope you are on mortgage as you otherwise risk being kicked out when having to put up with two children becomes too much for him and you know he will give you the bare minimum in maintenance.

Yes get the joint account going. It’s really easy to transfer direct debits. And make sure while you’re doing it that things like Christmas,clothes,toys etc are budgeted for as a joint expense.