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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want help from boyfriend after miscarriage?

102 replies

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 16:32

Not sure whether I’m asking too much from him but then again I didn’t make myself pregnant on my own.

Unfortunately Monday at 5 weeks I had a miscarriage. We both own our own houses so don’t live together currently and I have a 5 year old daughter. She unfortunately is not well with a terrible cough and is not sleeping.

I’m exhausted and just not coping getting hardly any sleep with her coughing. My body is sore and tired and I feel sad after loosing the baby and trying to push through with my daughter and hiding the pain.

I have told him I feel overwhelmed and he says nice words but they are of no physical help to me.

Should he be helping me with my daughter or is that too much? I’m fine normally just not at the moment at the night.

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 03/02/2022 16:38

Does he stay over? Would he help with her normally? Have you asked? Sorry about the mc

llamakoala · 03/02/2022 16:43

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this

YANBU

You said you have told him you are feeling overwhelmed and he responded with nice words. Have you tried asking for exactly what you currently feel you would need right now?

E.g. “Boyfriend, would you mind coming over and watching DD for an hour or two while I try to get some rest as I’m not sleeping at night with her coughing.”

Suppose it depends on what your relationship with him is like generally, and if he knows your daughter very well - what their relationship is like - and if he/she would be comfortable with him watching her without you present.

Or could you ask him to help you around the house or something, if he’s not able to watch her for whatever reason. Could a relative potentially watch your daughter while you get some sleep?

freecuthbert · 03/02/2022 16:47

Depending on how long you two have been together, how involved he is with your daughter etc, he might feel it is crossing a boundary by offering to help with her. Have you tried asking him for any help?

Chely · 03/02/2022 16:50

Condolences.
Done it may times, dh has been shit each time. Unless you tell them what you want them to do they are less use than a chocolate teapot. I just got on with looking after the kids after each one and after a couple (12wk & 8wk) I still went to work the samd day as I couldn't afford not to.

freecuthbert · 03/02/2022 16:52

Sorry, posted too soon! Even if it is a relatively new relationship, he can still help in other ways (cooking, cleaning, running errands for you, being around the house with you there to help out with whatever you needed etc). I know it's a bit shit he hasn't offered any help, but sometimes you need to ask and be more direct. I hope you can get help with things soon, and really sorry to hear about your loss.

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 16:55

We have been together what 18 months known him over 2 years. Daughter and him have a great relationship but he has only spent 1 to 1 time when I had to go to hospital for urine infection.

I just don’t understand why I have to do this on my own. He knows I have an mot coming up soon and need new tyres, he could help with that. I had the miscarriage at work so went home and back in the next day.

This is such a horrible experience especially when I can’t get sleep.

OP posts:

Greenlight4 · 03/02/2022 16:58

I agree with asking more directly for specific tasks
I think most people are aware of the emotional toll but not so aware of the physical toll it takes. He might feel like he is supporting you emotionally but you need to give him tasks

It wouldn't occur to me in this situation to offer to help with a car unless told to do so, and id probably be doing similar of focusing on emotional support

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 17:18

It’s hard in this situation to directly ask for things when you generally feeling exhausted and down.

Why is is always up to someone to ask and not someone to simply say I can tell you are overwhelmed ( I keep saying) I’m here what can I do.

Is it a man thing?

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2022 17:22

Yes even when I had 2 miscarriages and a still birth DH who was my husband and lived with me did not really know what to do with himself. Without minimising his loss he didn't have the same physical pain and didn't really understand my pain. We both suffered but in different ways.

Maybe tell him you are struggling and would welcome him staying over a few days to help you physically and emotionally

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 17:23

@SeasonFinale how do they suffer? Would be interesting to know as my boyfriend doesn’t say much.

OP posts:

Greenmarmalade · 03/02/2022 17:25

Definitely ask for help and see what he does. See if he he’s really actually decent

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 17:28

@Greenmarmalade he is decent and will do what he can if he is able. I just didn’t know what to ask ive just been repeating I’m overwhelmed and finding it hard. He keeps repeating I know it’s horrible for you.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 03/02/2022 17:29

Is it a man thing?

No more than getting cross that someone isnt a mind reader is a woman thing.

You need his help so ask him for it. And yes be specific. You are right, you shouldnt have to do this by yourself. I think you want him to see how much you are hurting but maybe he doesn't. People can be kind of dismissive of early miscarriages, almost as if they shouldnt count but of course they do.

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 17:30

To be fair I have chronic fatigue syndrome which he is well aware of, I’ve sent him info but he doesn’t seem to understand I need help.

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2022 18:28

He suffers because he too has lost a child.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/02/2022 18:32

Firstly, I am really sorry for your loss.

I do think you need to ask him for the help you need - he isn’t a mind reader, and as @SeasonFinale says, he is going through the loss too. He’s not a mind reader, and clearly isn’t reading in between the lines of what you have told him - in my experience, women are much better at interpreting things like this than men are.

TracyMosby · 03/02/2022 18:40

It isnt a man thing, no.

Ask him for help with something specific. But then think carefully about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who has been no help to you after a miscarriage and who needs to be given specific tasks like a child.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 03/02/2022 18:42

I'm really sorry about the miscarriage and the pain you're experiencing now.

However you've been able to tell us how he could help so tell him the same thing. Ask him if he can go get new tires tomorrow as you're still not feeling up to it. I understand you're exhausted emotionally and physically but he's not a mind reader and it probably wouldn't cross my mind to get new tires on a car for a partner I didn't live with.

It doesn't have to be a long message or phone call but just ask him if he can do it. Or get a small shop in with a few nice bits. Or come round for a takeaway or something so you can relax.

Rrrob · 03/02/2022 18:45

I had a mc last July and DH was zero help and we’ve been together ten years. It didn’t cross his mind that I needed a break and couldn’t do normal things with DTs so I had to act as normal. Looking back I wish I’d be firmer and made him step up.

Given your DP has only spent 1:1 time with your dd once, I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to offer. Just ask him if you need the physical support…I know it would be nicer not to have to.

itsjustnotok · 03/02/2022 18:48

OP we all deal differently. You need to communicate what you want and need from him. Don’t assume he has a magic wand and knows. Just tell him, he’s not a mind reader.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/02/2022 18:55

@TracyMosby - you’re probably right about it not being a ‘man thing’ - though, that has been my experience. But it is true to say that some people are good at reading between the lines and working out what help the other person needs, and others simply are not - and it sounds as if the OP’s partner is one of these people, so needs to be asked directly.

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 19:17

Sorry @SeasonFinale I didn’t mean it like that ,I meant what way did you your husband show his suffering?

OP posts:

KatyRebecca84 · 03/02/2022 19:23

Maybe you need to tell him specifically how he can help. You can’t just assume he will know and if he’s never spent 1:1 time with your child, he can’t really help with the sleep issues?

ThinWomansBrain · 03/02/2022 19:24

Is your daughter's father not able to help more?

Original poster

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 19:30

My daughters father has no access due to abuse. It’s just me.

OP posts:

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