Am I being unreasonable to want help from boyfriend after miscarriage?

[Justnotme1]

Not sure whether I’m asking too much from him but then again I didn’t make myself pregnant on my own.

Unfortunately Monday at 5 weeks I had a miscarriage. We both own our own houses so don’t live together currently and I have a 5 year old daughter. She unfortunately is not well with a terrible cough and is not sleeping.

I’m exhausted and just not coping getting hardly any sleep with her coughing. My body is sore and tired and I feel sad after loosing the baby and trying to push through with my daughter and hiding the pain.

I have told him I feel overwhelmed and he says nice words but they are of no physical help to me.

Should he be helping me with my daughter or is that too much? I’m fine normally just not at the moment at the night.

@Justnotme1

I’ve taken the day off work today, my manager has wiggled some holiday around so I get paid. So at least get today and then tomorrow off and daughter is in school.

I think if I had some sleep this past week it would be much easier to handle but I’m physically and mentally at the end right now. Daughter has the most terrible cough at night. Antibiotics, antihistamine, asthma inhaler they prescribed and nothing working. She has been coughing for months it seems.

Ask that they consider adding in montellukast for her.

Yeah I guess I’m just feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and it’s not helping things and I’m probably getting my frustration out on the wrong person. It gets hard always doing it on your own, her father hasn’t been around for a few years. He is abusive so would not want him either. Working and owning a home on my own being ill is stressful. I would not have coped as it is with another baby on top of this. I do need support and I feel like a burden in needing it. This c.f.s really effects me and it’s hard to accept as that is not my personality.

He will probably run a mile when he realises just how much support I need with this stupid illness. It’s not really his burden.

You’re not taking it out on the wrong person. This was his baby too, he should step up.

You have been warned what life will be like this with this man.

Are you usually a "just get on with it" type person OP? If you are used to being fairly self sufficient then it might not have occurred to him that the MC has hit you quite so hard emotionally as well as physically.

I had a MC at 5 weeks that didn't really register. But similarly a MMC at 10 weeks, and traumatic losses at both 15w and 21w. It wasn't an option to fall apart so I had to cope and keep going. If you are usually "a coper" especially with regards to your illness and having to get on with it, he might think this is a similar thing. I know my DH didn't really fully appreciate just how draining the physical aspects of MC/baby loss can be.

With the greatest amount of gentleness too, if it was an unplanned pregnancy, he may also be recalibrating himself. He may be incredibly relieved and not want to say that to you. Or he may be absolutely gutted.

I'm sorry he's not shown himself to be as supportive as you'd want him to be. And I'm sorry for your MC

I have an awful back story with my daughter and her father. I suffered ptsd because of the abuse and I remember none of her as a baby. I think if I’m honest this has shook up a lot of trauma inside me. It obviously is much much worse for me then him because he doesn’t carry the trauma I do and it’s hard for me to articulate. I did tell him I feel triggered and found it painful and he knows my past. I will get over it once I feel safer and this passes a bit. I’ve asked too much probably and really I don’t want him to fix it. I love him and simply just to have him sit with me is enough whilst I recalibrate a little. I have lost a lot in my life most recently my dad who was my rock.

I love him
Can you write a list of what he does that contribute to you loving him? It might give some clarity.

Mine made the mistake of saying that a colleague was ‘of course’ taking the week off work when his wife had a miscarriage.
I asked him very pointedly why ‘of course’ and forced him to admit that he had barely taken a few hours off with all three of mine.

And I should have sent you kind thoughts and flowers 💐. You’ll get through it but it is hard when someone really just does not think and needs telling. I just got on with it but it was no doubt easier for me than for many as 1. I had DC1 and 2. he was not a baby or toddler but well into school years by then.

You’re dating essentially. I don’t think he owes you childcare to be honest.

No doesn’t owe anything but was the other half of the reason I got pregnant and claims to love me.

It isn’t about ‘owing’ someone something, when you are in a relationship - surely it is about love and care? This man is in a relationship with you, @Justnotme1, and I think it isn’t unreasonable to expect that he would want to care for you during this difficult time.

@Justnotme1

No doesn’t owe anything but was the other half of the reason I got pregnant and claims to love me.

I do completely understand what you're saying, and how you must be feeling. But at the same time, It didn't occur to me that DH would take time off work for my MCs, I preferred him out of the way in a life goes on type sentiment. He was back at work the day after our 15w loss. Our relationship is incredibly strong. But, he would have taken time off if I'd asked him to and/or if I couldn't function, which I think is the difference here. You needed your dp and he didn't step up.

"No doesn’t owe anything but was the other half of the reason I got pregnant"
You say that the pregnancy was unplanned so while switching pills what contraception were you using? Did he know that you might get pregnant?
You both sound very irresponsible and I imagine he is breathing a sigh of relief and actually doesn't want to play happy families with you much as you might want him to. He is not about to start parenting your daughter because he doesn't want to.
At 5 weeks are you even certain you were pregnant and it wasn't just switching the contraceptives that caused irregularity or did you do a pregnancy test?
Dump him and spend some time on your own with your lovely little girl.
(Actions speak louder than words)

Yes I took 3 tests. He was excited and told his parents, that was awful as he then had to tell them what happened. But then at least he had his mum to talk to. He said he would move in with me and was talking very positively.

Its probably that with the illness I have i need more support then most. And bad timing my daughter had been unwell at the same time so just unable to rest. The fatigue is really crippling at times. I have explained at depth my illness and how it may effect his life and that he may want to really think about this relationship. He says he is here for, I guess he just doesn’t know currently what that means. He doesn’t live with me and see the struggles, he spends time with me and I try and be positive, then when he goes I struggle a little to regain my energy.

I don’t think I have been particularly nice to him really. Neither of us have been through this before. I fear I’ve taken my pain out on him.

OP,

You sincerely have my sympathy.

You sound so exhausted.

With your health challenges I think you know an accidental baby with a man like this is not in your or your daughter's best interests.

He is a casual boyfriend.
He is NOT a partner and he also isn't in love with you or anything near it.

Even a good friend would have made sure to do more than offer empty words.

This is very sad but the truth is, it is also an opportunity for you to reflect on your circumstances.

I think another baby would make your life a lot harder and so additionally vulnerable.

Your life sounds hard enough.
I really think your focus needs to be on minding yourself and your health for the child you have.

You are HER life.
She needs her mum so much.

Please mind yourself.

Yes @billy1966 I can’t say I was really excited about the news but I would have done my best. I do feel guilty about not feeling that excited. Under conditions where I was fit and healthy I would have been happy. I was scared, how could I maintain this life with a baby, pay the bills on the house I have managed to buy for my daughter when I would probably be in a major relapse. I do hate this illness, it takes away a lot of the things I want to do. That’s why I need a partner to truly understand the challenges it brings otherwise I end up feeling very sad like a burden. I would hate my illness to impact a partners life in a negative way. Not showing up when I need him does not bode well really.

I think I need to have a frank talk to him about the future. Are we going to live together, I almost paid my house so can contribute a fair bit. But that I am protecting for my daughter. Is he happy at the potential of me not being able to work, currently I can only cope part time. He has no children, is he happy never having one as I probably couldn’t cope. My illness is very selfish it seems.

Your illness doesn't make you selfish and you have to do what you can. I think you know that he has shown that he won't be supporting you in any way so please don't let him move in or buy a house with him especially if it is YOUR equity and your little girl's home.

Enjoy his company and have fun but let that be all. Kind words doth butter no parsnips as they say!

Your illness does not make you selfish.

It requires that you accommodate it and are practical.

Protecting you home, finances and your daughter need to be your priority.

Anything that threatens that is not to be considered.

Your house needs to be kept ALWAYS in your sole name.
It is your security and your childs home.
Your finances need protecting and should be kept separate as that again is best for your child.

All decisions should be about protecting yourself, your daughter and your assets.

Child are more expensive as they grow.

I think ensuring you never get pregnant again should be a priority.

Your health and your daughter are your top priorities.

Not just a man thing at all. When I was going through tough times I had countless female friends who where good with words and offered to 'do anything just ask'. When your overwhelmed it hard to even think about your needs and formulate a sentence to ask for what you need. True friends just do, without dressing it up with flowery words.
I hope you get the support you need and I'm sorry for your loss x

YANBU.
Love is a verb, he should be using his initiative and offering help.
Your standards are not too high, they're not high enough.
Similar happened to me years ago, partner didn't step up when I was pregnant and my mum was dying. Although we didn't split for another few years, looking back that was the beginning of the end. I knew he was not committed to putting me at the top or even high up his list of priorities. I lost respect for him, sex swindled and intimacy dried up. I couldn't trust him to be there for me so what was the point anymore.

I am in a much better relationship now where I know he would and has stepped up when I need him. Sorting out the MOT etc just like you need from him.

Sorry for your loss, take your time but I would through this one back, he's stalled at boyfriend mode and cannot progress to partner now.

Thanks guys. Just do that’s exactly what I needed at that time. I think that transition from boyfriend to partner is missing a little. I am a little different given my illness and my past, I require hands on get in there. I understand it’s not for most people, it’s not sugary and nice at times.

It is absolutely what people in relationships expect. Fairweather friends and that includes boyfriends are exactly that. They are not people to prioritise let alone live with and plan a future with.

You can't make him step up, he might do it a bit if nagged but that's only a short term fix. A partner is just that, they go the extra mile for you, they nurse you when you are ill, they prioritise your happiness and welfare at least at much or more than their own.

Friends and romantic partners do this for each other. The longer you spend trying to get him to up his half-arsed attempt at being a partner the more resentful and worn down you will be.

When it suits you I really hope you dump him and leave yourself open to finding better new relationship. You deserve the whole real deal from someone who cherishes you. It will happen, and it will happen sooner once you free yourself of this deadweight. He's the barrier not your illness. The right person will take it in their stride. It wouldn't put me off at all.

I think you should make an appointment to see your GP. If you miscarried at 5 weeks this wouldn't normally cause so much utter exhaustion after your miscarriage. AFAIK. Are you signed of work sick. If not maybe you need a couple of weeks off. Because you live separately perhaps he thinks that coming to your house and doing housework isnt what you'd like him to do. Or do you mean just come and visit you. I dont think he is a deadweight but doesn't seem to be the supportive partner you're looking for.