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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want help from boyfriend after miscarriage?

102 replies

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 16:32

Not sure whether I’m asking too much from him but then again I didn’t make myself pregnant on my own.

Unfortunately Monday at 5 weeks I had a miscarriage. We both own our own houses so don’t live together currently and I have a 5 year old daughter. She unfortunately is not well with a terrible cough and is not sleeping.

I’m exhausted and just not coping getting hardly any sleep with her coughing. My body is sore and tired and I feel sad after loosing the baby and trying to push through with my daughter and hiding the pain.

I have told him I feel overwhelmed and he says nice words but they are of no physical help to me.

Should he be helping me with my daughter or is that too much? I’m fine normally just not at the moment at the night.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 03/02/2022 19:35

I think the problem here is that he's not 'offering' any help (other than soothing words) and you don't want to actually ask him for help.

I think you need to ask him directly and see what happens, as others have said.

Personally, I think this is potentially a warning sign. My last partner had very little initiative and didn't seem to be able to do anything without being asked (or told). This becomes VERY wearing on both sides, eventually, so you need to see what sort of bloke you've got there. You need to be able to rely on him in times of need and sometimes nice words just aren't enough.

cadburyegg · 03/02/2022 19:40

So sorry for your loss Thanks but I think YABU to expect him to help with your dd. Presumably she is at school? When I had my miscarriage I took time off work, kept up my childcare arrangements for my then toddler DS so I could have a rest when he was in childcare. Can you do something similar? Sorry, it is awful, I remember feeling rough and exhausted for some time afterwards.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 19:45

Why is it unreasonable for him to put himself out and offer help. This isn’t only happening to me. I took the day off but I simply can’t afford anymore time off. He could offer to take the day off and sit with me no.
I guess because I’m the one who is actually physically going through it it must be for me to sort it out.

He helped me get pregnant and would have had to stand up and help then with my daughter then so what is the difference. I feel like this is my responsibility when we both got into this situation.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/02/2022 19:55

Tbf, I've never had a miscarriage that I'm aware of so I wouldn't necessarily know what to do either.
I understand feeling sad, that I definitely get. And mixing sadness with tiredness is always a bad combo, but if he doesnt usually 'need' to offer a hand when you're feeling tired, he probably hasn't cottoned on.
Have you explained it to him like you have on here?
Genuinely, I wouldn't know what to do in his situation, but would get it if I'd been told or experienced it myself

ThinWomansBrain · 03/02/2022 20:04

sorry to hear DD's father no longer in the picture.

I took the day off but I simply can’t afford anymore time off. He could offer to take the day off and sit with me no. I'm not sure what you want - if you are unable to take time off, you want him to take time off to sit with you at work?
As PPs have suggested, if you keep up your existing childcare arrangements, that gives you time to rest if you are unable to work.
If you need assittance to take care of her in the evening - have you expressly asked him to help with that? - I understand that you are upset, but to expect him to take time off "to sit with you" seems a bit vague and a tad unreasonable - let alone expecting him to guess that is what you want.

Arabellla · 03/02/2022 20:07

Dump him.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:10

I don’t know what I want. I’m exhausted and i’m in pain and I’m sad. Am I really expected to be coherent in this state. Ive hardly slept now in over a week. I’ve lost blood, I’m light headed and I feel really really crap.

Ive made it clear I’m struggling. He told me to speak to my mum. My mum didn’t help with the pregnancy so why should she help me, he should. My mum is ill herself.

I’m just knackered and would probably just argue if he came anyway. But he should come and put up with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:12

He keeps saying I know it’s hard and I’m here for you…only he is not. Since it happened I’ve seen him for about 2 hours, that was Monday morning. He came because I was panicking and bleeding but no help since.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 03/02/2022 20:15

How often do you usually see each other?

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:19

What does it matter how often we see each other. The person you love lost your baby and is crying out for help. They know you have a chronic health condition and will crash from this.

I give up, just getting myself upset.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 03/02/2022 20:19

If you're not able to take more time off work then why are you expecting him to? My ex took time off after my miscarriage to look after DS but that's because he is his child, yes this is happening to you both but your daughter isn't your boyfriend's child. How much contact do they usually have? Does he regularly look after her? I hadn't much experience of children until I had my own kids, I certainly wouldn't have offered to look after a 5 year old, I wouldn't have had a clue what I was doing.

A 5 year old isn't a toddler, and is probably happy enough to sit in front of the tv for a couple of hours with minimal supervision while you lie on the sofa. Make sure you go to bed when she does too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 20:19

Sorry for your loss Flowers

What’s he been like when you’ve been ill in the past? Is he generally supportive?

What’s he like with feelings?

I’ve had 5 mcs and DH was amazing every time. If he was feeling unsure of what to do he’d ask me and I’d ask him to make me a coffee or refill my hot water bottle, choose a film. He had DC and we didn’t have any together so he’d take the kids out for the day if I was in a bad way and make sure I had what I needed before he went.

It’s difficult I think as she’s not his and you don’t live together, you aren’t a family unit at the moment and he doesn’t have time with her by himself - obviously as you don’t live together. There’s no point silently resenting him, he doesn’t know what to do so be clear on what you want and he may not step up but at least you’ll know you asked.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:24

I haven’t said I want him to look after my daughter one to one. I wouldn’t ask that of him. He could just be with me and help prop me up for a bit. He can make us our dinner, help wash her school clothes, read her a bedtime book. I read one chocked on tears, he could have done that. He could have taken some of my tears with me whilst I’m exhausted in bed, just until I’m back up again.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 03/02/2022 20:26

Well it does matter when you're asking why he isn't doing more, presumably he can't afford to take time off either.

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 20:26

Ask him, tell him you are struggling being on your own and want him to come stay with you for a few days. Ask him to bring some food in with him.

You don't live together yet, so he probably really doesn't know what to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been there several times myself and it's just so hard.

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 20:27

You poor woman OP.

Of course you feel awful and wiped out.

Words are very cheap.

At times like this actions REALLY count.

He hasn't offered because it is easier to say ask your mum, or offer empty sympathy, but not a word of practical assistance that would actually help.

I am so sorry for your loss, but this is not a man to be having children with.

He has shown you a taste of what life would be like with him.

You will get through this.
Ask for help from anyone who will give it to you, and when you are stronger, have a realistic look at this man who is worse than useless when you so clearly need support.

It is NOT all men.

Just some men.
Like him.

Flowers
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 20:30

He can make us our dinner, help wash her school clothes, read her a bedtime book.

That’s what you need to be saying. He says he’s here for you, you say “we need bread, milk and ice cream, I need more pain meds and then it would help if you could do some washing as I’m completely wiped out and DD could use some reading time. See you soon”.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:32

Thank you @billy1966 I simply don’t have the energy to be telling him to be doing things. Anything would be grateful, anything at all whether useful or not. This is a situation where you just get in and do something. Your kid or not your kid just help me. He knows I have C.F.S he knows the consequences of me doing too much. I have such brain fog I need some action until I recover a bit. This won’t be the only time I’ll need this but it doesn’t look like this will work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:38

@AnneLovesGilbert he works till 10pm at night so can’t do any of those things. He sleeps in in the mornings as he doesn’t go to bed till really late. So really he has no time to help apart from on a Saturday as sunday I work.

OP posts:
Envoitrevisage · 03/02/2022 20:39

In all honesty, I would never connect someone having a miscarriage with meaning it would be helpful if I organised tyres for their car.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:40

By the way the pregnancy was unplanned and happened when switching my pills over as I suffer with painful fibroids. A baby with my C.F.S would not have been a good idea. And looks like he would not have been the best support.

OP posts:
TerribleCustomerCervix · 03/02/2022 20:41

What?

With respect, OP was 5 weeks pregnant. He’s probably known about the pregnancy for a week and a half, maximum.

There is no way his “suffering” anything like OP’s, who is going through the physical and mental difficulties that come with a miscarriage, while still going to work and managing to look after another young child.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 20:43

@Envoitrevisage it was just an idea. My mot is due and my tyres are bare on the front and I have a week to get it done. Otherwise will fail and I won’t be able to get to work/school. It’s just on my list of things I need to get done but not feeling up to it. I’ve been saying for ages to him about it as he knows the place to get tyres.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 03/02/2022 20:50

He could just be with me and help prop me up for a bit. He can make us our dinner, help wash her school clothes, read her a bedtime book.

You have to directly ask him for these things.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time op. But its apparent he wont offer and the only hope of getting the help is asking.

Notimeforaname · 03/02/2022 20:52

I’ve been saying for ages to him about it as he knows the place to get tyres.

Have you just been saying "I need to sort my tyres" or have you been asking him to get them for you ?

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