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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want help from boyfriend after miscarriage?

102 replies

Justnotme1 · 03/02/2022 16:32

Not sure whether I’m asking too much from him but then again I didn’t make myself pregnant on my own.

Unfortunately Monday at 5 weeks I had a miscarriage. We both own our own houses so don’t live together currently and I have a 5 year old daughter. She unfortunately is not well with a terrible cough and is not sleeping.

I’m exhausted and just not coping getting hardly any sleep with her coughing. My body is sore and tired and I feel sad after loosing the baby and trying to push through with my daughter and hiding the pain.

I have told him I feel overwhelmed and he says nice words but they are of no physical help to me.

Should he be helping me with my daughter or is that too much? I’m fine normally just not at the moment at the night.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 20:55

If he couldn’t do the things you mentioned anyway I’m not sure what to suggest. Get through this time as best you can, maybe a friend could have DD after school if you have the day off tomorrow. Eat, drink, sleep when you can, keep topped up on meds if you’re still in pain. Don’t do anything rash, now’s not the time. It’s not clear what he could practically have done though he could have been more supportive emotionally. See how you feel when you’re feeling a bit better.

FloatOnBytheStorms · 03/02/2022 21:16

I think he should be there for you more. I had a miscarriage after IVF in December. DH sat with me whilst I cried for hours in hospital. He didn’t say anything, he just sat next to me and was with me for every scan, blood test and piece of bad news. It’s so much to go through on your own. The fact he’s there l for me loin situations like this is a big part of why I feel I can trust him with anything and why I love him completely.
In your situation I’d probably have to ask him why he’s not doing more? And say you don’t buy into ‘it’s a man thing’. He needs to step up.

sanbeiji · 03/02/2022 21:30

OP YANBU. The low standards on this thread are saddening.
You've had a miscarriage and had little sleep.. all he's said is... it's horrible?

TBF he may be used to you feeling 'overwhelmed; if you have CFS, so doesn't know that this is a different occasion.

However it's BASIC common sense to ask if you can do anything to help when someone says they feel like shit. It's not a case of 'reading between the lines'.

If my autistic DP can do it any NT can. He's not the best at being verbally comforting but top for practical help. It's really not complicated!

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/02/2022 21:37

Some people are not inclined to offer help until asked specifically for a thing to do - that isn't because they're lazy or cold or mean, it's because of a variety of reasons, one of which is if they offer the wrong help, they might get yelled at.

Some people feel that as they cannot solve the actual problem - you've had a miscarriage, there IS no solving that - then anything they offer can seem like a pathetic effort that isn't worth it...

You've said several times now, you don't know what you want -well how IS he supposed to know?

You've been telling him things, but you haven't ASKED for help with anything specific and you admit that actually even if you did.. there isn't much he could do due to his work or your work anyway.

I think you're being a bit harsh to judge him for effectively, not being a mind-reader, and not being willing to guess wildly at what the correct thing to do here is.

Ask him to sort your MOT, ASK him to come round when he can and sit with you, make a brew, do something simple to take your mind off stuff like watch a film with you...

If he won't... then yeah, judge away and ideally, get rid.. but give him the bloody chance first eh!

TracyMosby · 03/02/2022 21:40

Op, if you are accurately describing your tyres, you shouldn't be driving. That is something that can cause an accident. It needs to be done and shouldn't have been put off this long.

Ive made it clear I’m struggling. He told me to speak to my mum.
There you go. In his mind it is a woman's job to support you. In your other thread you said you felt like ending the relationship. I think youve now seen how good he is when he is needed. He isnt.

ElectraBlue · 03/02/2022 21:43

Enough with the 'you need to tell him''.

He is a grown man and anyone with half a brain would try to show they care and offer support. He is not a child who needs to be told what to do.

Women really have to stop excusing poor behaviour and blaming themselves for everything.

You have already told him you are feeling overwhelmed and he has done nothing beyond offering some 'nice words'...

Do you really want to be with someone who is that useless when something difficult happens. I wouldn't.

RedHelenB · 03/02/2022 21:50

[quote Justnotme1]@Greenmarmalade he is decent and will do what he can if he is able. I just didn’t know what to ask ive just been repeating I’m overwhelmed and finding it hard. He keeps repeating I know it’s horrible for you.[/quote]
Well what do you want him to do? I'm female and don't know what you want. If you don't know what to ask you can't expect him to know.

TheSoapyFrog · 03/02/2022 22:28

I don't think YABU. I had a similar situation in 2020 but I had to have a termination for medical reasons. My boyfriend came with me to the hospital, stayed with me while I had the pills and took me home.
He stayed with me while I passed the pregnancy and he cared for my twin boys (not his) and also checked in on me regularly. He was there still when I was rushed to hospital with complications.
I didn't ask him to do anything, he did it because he could see I was in pain, physically and mentally, and wanted to do what he could to make things easier for me.

SmellinOfTroy · 03/02/2022 22:33

Do you think in his mind its only 5 weeks? And he doesn't understand that for a little while you had the possibility of another child?

Valeriekat · 04/02/2022 04:32

How long have you been together because honestly it doesn't sound like a very committed relationship.
Did he want the baby?
You don't even live together it doesn't really sound like he feels any obligations to you and your daughter so maybe time to move on from him.

anon12345678901 · 04/02/2022 05:14

[quote Justnotme1]@Envoitrevisage it was just an idea. My mot is due and my tyres are bare on the front and I have a week to get it done. Otherwise will fail and I won’t be able to get to work/school. It’s just on my list of things I need to get done but not feeling up to it. I’ve been saying for ages to him about it as he knows the place to get tyres.[/quote]
Have you asked him to get tyres for you? Tbf if you know they are bald, you need to make this a priority, not just because it will fail but could cause an accident. I'm sorry for your loss, but he sounds like the kind of man you have to tell you need help. Just speak to him. Say what you need.

Valeriekat · 04/02/2022 09:56

Ahhh and you also posted in "Relationships".

SartresSoul · 04/02/2022 10:05

In the kindest way possible, I don’t think he’s ready to commit to you in this way right now so I’m not convinced he wanted a child. It can take men a while to even process a pregnancy anyway, they aren’t the same as most women who generally accept it as soon as the test turns positive and it becomes a ‘baby’ (during a wanted pregnancy anyway). It can take men some time to accept it’s even real, usually when the bump starts to grow and they see scans. For some men it isn’t real until the baby is born. So to him, he won’t fully grasp why you’re so sad and struggling so much because you only found out about the pregnancy a week before you lost it so he won’t have bonded in the same way you did. Does that make sense? It wasn’t a planned, much wanted pregnancy either so even less reason for him to view this the same way you do.

You have only been together for 18 months and don’t live together so I don’t think you’re ready for a child right now. I’d also think about how little he’s supported you if you’re considering having a child in the future, he might not be such a great Dad or partner.

IsabelHerna · 04/02/2022 10:19

Of course you want and need help!

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 04/02/2022 10:31

It’s not so much about the loss. It’s about not being there when it’s a time of real need. How can I get over this now and still look at him the same way when I feel let down.

When the going gets tough then the tough gets going isn’t it. I don’t feel supported and no matter how much begging or asking will cover up the fact he hasn’t really done anything. Really sad really but I guess it takes these moments to really see people’s colours. He can absolutely see I’m struggling I’ve made it extremely clear. The fact I’ve not seen him since Monday really speaks volumes. My own manager at work has done more for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnotme1 · 04/02/2022 10:35

I’ve taken the day off work today, my manager has wiggled some holiday around so I get paid. So at least get today and then tomorrow off and daughter is in school.

I think if I had some sleep this past week it would be much easier to handle but I’m physically and mentally at the end right now. Daughter has the most terrible cough at night. Antibiotics, antihistamine, asthma inhaler they prescribed and nothing working. She has been coughing for months it seems.

OP posts:
TheChip · 04/02/2022 10:39

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

You are obviously going through a very difficult time right now, and it would be lovely if he was to just know what you needed and to act on that. But he clearly isn't the type of person to respond that way. There's nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with you wanting somebody who can step up during times of need. But until you actually tell him this, you won't know if he is capable of being that person or not.

Ask him, then you will know if he really is the kind of person you want to be with or not. You might already know that now since he hasn't stepped up how you expected.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 04/02/2022 10:44

In times of need when your heads an incoherent mess of grief and pain and fatigue and fear it’s extremely difficult to ask for coherent things.

It’s only after when that time passes a little can step and look and think hmmmm could he have done something, anything to help the person he keeps saying he loves. I guess that’s me looking at it with my brain.

How in the future can I trust he will be there at least getting stuck in and trying when things go wrong and you not in a state to ask.

OP posts:
TheChip · 04/02/2022 10:55

@Justnotme1

In times of need when your heads an incoherent mess of grief and pain and fatigue and fear it’s extremely difficult to ask for coherent things.

It’s only after when that time passes a little can step and look and think hmmmm could he have done something, anything to help the person he keeps saying he loves. I guess that’s me looking at it with my brain.

How in the future can I trust he will be there at least getting stuck in and trying when things go wrong and you not in a state to ask.

Why can't you ask? You've told us what you need.
BillMasen · 04/02/2022 10:55

I’m sorry, it’s understandably a tough time for you

I think you need to ask. I (and a lot of blokes) think quite practicallly and try to find solutions. I’ve been told that sometimes I should just listen and sympathise, not try to solve.

I think if you want to talk, say that. If you want practical help say what.

Neveragain85 · 04/02/2022 11:24

He's showing you who he really is & how much or little you can expect from him. Anyone with a brain in their head would know you need some support & if they cared about you they would give it. If you're not ok with this you need to leave the relationship

Hb12 · 04/02/2022 11:26

Surely he doesn't need to be asked to pop round and see how she is at least?

Lifeslooser · 04/02/2022 11:26

Don’t be a martyr, men are not mind readers, if you want help with an MOT or someone to hold your hair when your throwing up then directly ask, nothing wrong with that.
Don’t play games and drop hints, that’s what teenagers do, ask for help, don’t beat around the bush.

Sorry for your loss x

Ohyesiam · 04/02/2022 11:42

@Justnotme1

It’s hard in this situation to directly ask for things when you generally feeling exhausted and down.

Why is is always up to someone to ask and not someone to simply say I can tell you are overwhelmed ( I keep saying) I’m here what can I do.

Is it a man thing?

Op , I’m really sorry you are going through thisFlowers. Can I very gently say that you do need to ask for specific needs to be met, or to say that your overwhelm makes you feel confused and you need help identifying what your needs are. I do find a lot of people ( possibly men…) are better with direct requests.

Really hope you get what you need and feel stronger soon .

ChoiceMummy · 04/02/2022 11:51

@Justnotme1

By the way the pregnancy was unplanned and happened when switching my pills over as I suffer with painful fibroids. A baby with my C.F.S would not have been a good idea. And looks like he would not have been the best support.
That tells you all you need to know.

You see yourself as being in a couple, a relationship. He sees himself as having you available as and when convenient.
The baby wasn't planned. He's not mourning. Would he have eveb stuck around?
You want something that you don't have.
Time to move on emotionally from him and mourn what you thought you may have had.
You also need to build more support into your family for your child's sake. If you have cfs, then your child shouldn't miss out when things are getting on top of you. And as your mother is ill also, this needs focussing on.