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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and I disagree on what to say to ds….

83 replies

TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 08:54

Ds is 18yo, in his last year of A levels.

Ds has had a gf for a while, he isn’t talking about her that much. We know about her because she a came few times, he stayed at hers a couple of time but that’s it.
DH saw ds a couple of days ago with another girl ‘being very close together’. DH is now referring to her as ‘ds second gf’.

Now, DH is furious as he basically thinks ds is cheating on his gf. That’s a sensitive subject for DH who was cheated on before and he wants to have stern words with ds…

I would say I have no idea what’s going on between ds and his (original?) gf. No idea if he is actually ‘an item’ with the girl DH saw.
If I was having a conversation, I’d go more along the lines of ‘whatever you do, please ensure that everyone knows where they stand - if you are together or not, if you are exclusive or not. And btw, please use condoms for everyone, Incl yours, safety’.
Or maybe not having any conversation at all because it’s his life….

So what would you say?
YABU: cheating is never OK. Time for really stern words with ds
YANBU: we actually have no idea what going on. A general reminder to be a decent and respectful person would be the most we should do.

OP posts:

TheChip · 03/02/2022 08:57

I would say either option is okay.

Original poster

TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 10:20

You see I am uncomfortable with havig a go at him wo knowing all the ins and outs.
I am also keen on avoiding the judgemental route (whihc is really where DH is). Yes it is true that I have a major issue with cheating. But he is an adult. And he is still 18yo.
If it was for me, I'd say that if you are going out/having sex, then you ought to be exclusive but I am aware that not everyone thinks like this for example.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 03/02/2022 10:22

Improving communication all round sounds like the right thing to do. I’d avoid your DH making judgemental assumptions or accusations- if he can’t moderate himself in the spirit of gentle enquiry it’s better you tackle it.

GiantSpider · 03/02/2022 10:25

It sounds like your DH is leaping to conclusions. Maybe DS has split up with the first girl? Going in all guns blazing isn't the best way to gain your DS's trust - he'll get all defensive and I don't blame him. Try to get your DH to calm down!

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 03/02/2022 10:28

I don't know why the immediate response, or even the follow-up response, should be to "have a go at" him. He's an adult where you freely admit that you don't even know if he's dating the first girl still. Kindness and an open conversation with some guiding of thoughts would be best. A conversation of "How are you?", talk about something bin controversial like work, then "How are things with X?" would be a good start. If he says he's still with X or broken up, then you can ask about the new girl. If he says he's seeing both, then ask if they both know, how (not if) he's going to tell them, if he thinks it might be considered disrespectful etc.

TolkiensFallow · 03/02/2022 10:28

I think you need to establish the facts.
If the facts are that he is cheating then I do think it’s your responsibility as a parent to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable.
If it is casual and everyone is aware of the facts then that’s different.

gannett · 03/02/2022 10:32

Your DH doesn't know enough about the situation to jump to conclusions or fly off the handle. It'd be unreasonable to barrel in all guns blazing and wouldn't make your son amenable to listening.

But it would be reasonable to say to your DS, I saw you with another girl the other day, what's going on there? Are you still going out with Girl 1? Does she know about Girl 2?

There may be an innocent reason - he's split up with Girl 1 and didn't tell you; or he's just friends with Girl 2.

Or if he is cheating, he might try to fob you off. You can make it very clear and be very stern at that point about how much you disapprove of cheating and tell him about the harm it causes other people. You can do that "hypothetically" without necessarily accusing him of cheating - but it will make your position clear, and hopefully make him think twice about his actions.

Beamur · 03/02/2022 10:35

You can't tell him off. You don't know the facts and he's an adult.
You can have a conversation, refect what you have seen and why that concerns you and remind him to behave with integrity towards the women in his life.

steppemum · 03/02/2022 10:40

my ds is 19 and he often has mutiple girlfriends.

I find that morally bankrupt.
But in one sense it is none of my business.

So I have done what you suggested several times - make sure they all know they are not exclusive.
make sure you are being fair to them, and not just getting your end away.
make sure that you treat these women right.
Don't do to them what you would not want them to do to you etc

according to him, they are all on the same page.

i really don't think so, especially one girl.
But all I can do is remind him of his moral responsibilities, if he ignores that then at some point it will all come home to roost.

Original poster

TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 10:41

Yes I agree I don't think it's OK to go all guns blazing. And I agree this is not the right way to build/keep trust with ds.

Hmm.... this young adult stuff is proving tricky lol...

OP posts:

Original poster

TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 10:45

@steppemum, Yes this is one thing I am keenly aware.

I somehow doubt that everyone is always happy with that sort arrangement. You can see it on MN too (and that's with adults rather than 18yo who might miss the maturity to handle that).

OP posts:

Inspectorslack · 03/02/2022 10:47

Stay out of it.

thecatsthecats · 03/02/2022 10:53

I don't think that your DH should go in guns blazing, because obviously he's only got half the information, and he is legally an adult.

However, I don't think you need to agree on the approach altogether. Your son should be old enough to understand that the two of you have different opinions, and that indeed other people will have different opinions.

My advice (if he were cheating) would be that it's a horrible habit to get into, and even if he doesn't care much for either girl, does he really want to be the sort of habitually deceptive person who ruins things with someone he really DOES care about? (in my experience, cheaters get in the habit and learn that that's "normal" for relationships)

itsjustnotok · 03/02/2022 10:59

I’d find out the situation first.
If he is in fact cheating then it’s an ideal moment to discuss respect, he might be an adult but is so barely. I’ve read enough comments on here about cheaters to fill a book, so guide him and at least you’ve told him where you stand.

InisnaBro · 03/02/2022 11:02

As you have no idea whether he’s still seeing the original gf, or whether it’s a fairly casual thing in which they’re not exclusive and are also dating other people, I’d calm your DH down above all else.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 03/02/2022 11:03

If DS brought both girls home separately I’d have words for sure. At the moment it sounds like your DH is jumping the gun.

MrHavelIsHot · 03/02/2022 11:07

He’s 18, so you should stay out of it. I’d have told my parents to mind their own business if they tried to involve themselves in my relationships when I was 18.

MrsWinters · 03/02/2022 11:12

Get DH to sit down and have a gentle chat with him. You want to raise him to respect women and if he is cheating then you need to nip this in the bud now if you want to raise a nice young man- you can’t just bury your head in the sand.
Equally he might be embarrassed that the first relationship didn’t work out, so keep it calm and open

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2022 11:13

Maybe GF2 is just a friend. What does being close mean if they were in a public place? Holding hands, hugging or full on snogging? DS has friends who are girls and it is certainly a different dynamic between the mixed sex groups than when I was younger.

Perhaps get DS alone and mention Dad saw him with "GF2" the other day and he may say ugh mum she is like my sister...

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/02/2022 11:16

Why are either of you meddling in what is effectively an adult relationship.

Whatever he's doing its actually none of your business unless you are asked ti start providing alibis.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2022 11:26

I mean I would certainly not be giving him any sort of a lecture without actually finding out if he is cheating first

Inspectorslack · 03/02/2022 11:27

It is none of your business. Actually none.

Theunamedcat · 03/02/2022 11:30

Find out what's going on first then have a conversation about respect if its needed

Colleen92 · 03/02/2022 11:31

Can I add a third option?
Are either of you close enough and matey enough with DS to just ask what the score is?

Regardless, it's his life and learning curve to figure out and approach as he sees fit. In my humble opinion, it is the GF1(and alleged GF2!)'s parents role to ensure she/they are not being hurt here?

There are very few perfect gents and Juliet's amongst our species in adolescence but it's about learning and growing into a decent man/woman - let him do that without judgement from Mum and Dad... Teens are fickle, sometimes (just sometimes) they go hell for leather against the parental line / don't do that to this/these(?!) young women OR your son.

By all means, if you are close give guidance but that's all. They will all three learn from this, however it plays out.

Not saying that's the best way but it's my take on it as a female/mother (2 girls)/human. Good luck!! :)

Wreath21 · 03/02/2022 11:34

Do absolutely fuck all, and if your H decides to shove his nose in, tell him in front of DS to mind his own business.
Your DS is 18, an adult, and how he conducts his relationships is up to him, not his parents. If you haven't taught him the basics about sex and consent, and respect for himself and other people, by now then that's a bit unfortunate.

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