DH and I disagree on what to say to ds….

[TheApexOfMyLife]

Ds is 18yo, in his last year of A levels.

Ds has had a gf for a while, he isn’t talking about her that much. We know about her because she a came few times, he stayed at hers a couple of time but that’s it.
DH saw ds a couple of days ago with another girl ‘being very close together’. DH is now referring to her as ‘ds second gf’.

Now, DH is furious as he basically thinks ds is cheating on his gf. That’s a sensitive subject for DH who was cheated on before and he wants to have stern words with ds…

I would say I have no idea what’s going on between ds and his (original?) gf. No idea if he is actually ‘an item’ with the girl DH saw.
If I was having a conversation, I’d go more along the lines of ‘whatever you do, please ensure that everyone knows where they stand - if you are together or not, if you are exclusive or not. And btw, please use condoms for everyone, Incl yours, safety’.
Or maybe not having any conversation at all because it’s his life….

So what would you say?
YABU: cheating is never OK. Time for really stern words with ds
YANBU: we actually have no idea what going on. A general reminder to be a decent and respectful person would be the most we should do.

Oh dear…

I'm new to all this. Did I do something wrong?

@Theblacksheepandme

I'm new to all this. Did I do something wrong?

No i think your post had referrences to a deleted post to was deleted at the same time.

Dating is so different these days. First they're "just talking" then they're "seeing eachother" then they're "actually dating" and finally they become official/Facebook official (or so I've been told 😂). Times change, DS and "GF1" probably hadn't crossed those boundaries at the time so DS thought nothing of it?
It seems like a social understanding their generation has 😂

So all your DH saw was your son standing very close to a woman? No kissing, touching etc?

Broads93
Dating is so different these days. First they're "just talking" then they're "seeing eachother" then they're "actually dating" and finally they become official/Facebook official (or so I've been told). Times change, DS and "GF1" probably hadn't crossed those boundaries at the time so DS thought nothing of it?
It seems like a social understanding their generation has

I'm glad I'm old and married. I think it must be a minefield out there nowadays.

@Whatwouldscullydo

I also get where OP's husband is coming from. It obviously hurt him deeply when he was cheated on and is wrongly reacting with anger. I get the feeling OP will do exactly the right thing

He needs to be careful to not project the anger and paranoia onto the ds though. That regardless of cheating or not is , while they are on the subject of attempting to guide their adult ds in healthy respectful relationships, not a justified trait that he should be learning about.

Cheating isn't good.

Nor is anger and paranoia at a situation that's not even been confirmed.

Both are red flags in a relationship

Completely agree with this - the H sounds far more in need of a stern word than the DS. He needs to be told very firmly to wind his neck in and mind his own business, because if he starts stamping and roaring (on, let's remember, NO proof of any wrongdoing on DS part) he will damage his relationship with his DS.