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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and I disagree on what to say to ds….

83 replies

TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 08:54

Ds is 18yo, in his last year of A levels.

Ds has had a gf for a while, he isn’t talking about her that much. We know about her because she a came few times, he stayed at hers a couple of time but that’s it.
DH saw ds a couple of days ago with another girl ‘being very close together’. DH is now referring to her as ‘ds second gf’.

Now, DH is furious as he basically thinks ds is cheating on his gf. That’s a sensitive subject for DH who was cheated on before and he wants to have stern words with ds…

I would say I have no idea what’s going on between ds and his (original?) gf. No idea if he is actually ‘an item’ with the girl DH saw.
If I was having a conversation, I’d go more along the lines of ‘whatever you do, please ensure that everyone knows where they stand - if you are together or not, if you are exclusive or not. And btw, please use condoms for everyone, Incl yours, safety’.
Or maybe not having any conversation at all because it’s his life….

So what would you say?
YABU: cheating is never OK. Time for really stern words with ds
YANBU: we actually have no idea what going on. A general reminder to be a decent and respectful person would be the most we should do.

OP posts:
Colleen92 · 03/02/2022 11:34

Sorry - not sure why the added "/" in my comment where it was unfitting, phone is on the way out. Hope I made sense!

Colleen92 · 03/02/2022 11:35

@Wreath21 just nailed it in faaaar less words!

Original poster
TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 11:37

In my humble opinion, it is the GF1(and alleged GF2!)'s parents role to ensure she/they are not being hurt here?

That's not something I had thought about!

But I agree that it is up to him to learn about relationships his way

OP posts:
Original poster
TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 11:39

Interesting too because all of you have been saying stuff that I have been telling myself. From it's not my business to still guiding/asking him what's going on (or about gf1 - how is she doing type of question).

I need a chat with DH around that too.

OP posts:
YellowLemonshade · 03/02/2022 11:39

From my understanding of young adult relationships now, there are several important stages to go through -

these include a) asking someone to be your boy/girlfriend and b) deciding to be exclusive c) being Facebook official

I think it's perfectly possible that your DS and his GF may not have navigated these milestones yet. So being with another girl/boy may not be considered cheating in their eyes (even if it is in yours!)

I'd leave him to it - he's an adult.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2022 11:40

I would stay out of it, he’s an adult so it’s up to him what he does.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 03/02/2022 11:43

I would ask my ds what the situation is with the two girls outright and wait an answer op

Just because he's 18 doesn't mean they suddenly develop morals and respectful understanding does it.

It's know that parts of the brain still aren't developed fully at this age so to me most teenagers still need guideence in many situations.

Not sure why there's a thing about whether to say something or not but then I'm from a close family and am equally close with my own dc so a conversation would be had.

If I discovered my son had two girls on the go and they didn't know about each other we would be having a conversation about how not to treat others etc and respect.

If they are also seeing other people different situation

ChocolateMassacre · 03/02/2022 11:43

Going to disagree with some pp here.

Yes, he's an adult. His relationships aren't your business.

But he lives at home and presumably these girls are in and out of your house sometimes?

I'd tell him that it's up to him to choose whether or not to conduct his relationships in a decent, open way. But if he chooses not to, then please don't bring them home because you're not going to collude in his dishonesty and treating girls badly.

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 11:44

What does 'being very close together' mean?

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/02/2022 11:44

Definitely don't go in all guns blazing or with judgement.

I remember I had a very casual, just new, sort of boyfriend and we were in town holding hands. When I got home my mum asked me who I had been shopping with as she had also been there. But the way she asked was full of judgement and I ended up never telling her about anyone in my life unless I absolutely had to. I wish she had been open to me dating and breaking up etc but her and my dad had been together since high school and she just didn't "get" casual dating culture.

Theblacksheepandme · 03/02/2022 11:46

YANBU: we actually have no idea what going on. A general reminder to be a decent and respectful person would be the most we should do.

I agree with above. Husband should under no circumstances go in with all guns blazing. At the moment husband has made a load of assumptions.

I also completely disagree with - In my humble opinion, it is the GF1(and alleged GF2!)'s parents role to ensure she/they are not being hurt here?. I think if parents of sons and daughters gave them a gentle reminder to be decent and respectful people there may be fewer broken hearts and tears. I don't think I as a parent can ensure my daughter doesn't get cheated on. That is a ridiculous statement to make.

Colleen92 · 03/02/2022 11:47

I love my daughters dearly, obviously, but I don't feel it is the responsibility of any suitors mum/dad/hamster to help protect their hearts, OP!!

It is largely down to them or they can't make the required bad choices that we all learn from.

Ok, their father would most likely like to kill the buggers that hurt them but that doesn't create well rounded young women, it creates either weak/I'll prepared women or entitled princesses. (yeah.. Still fighting that one out with their Daddy..!)

Give both girls credit that they have their own minds; hearts and judgement or you will do a real disservice to all 3 kids here.

I totally get your dilemma and you sound a lovely Mum for it, but you gotta let them grow and learn and that, sadly but DEFINITELY inevitably, means making mistakes and feeling pain. That's just how our species is designed.

SaySomethingMan · 03/02/2022 11:47

I can’t seen me not being to ask my DS straight if she’s still with his other girlfriend.

I’d go with your DS’s approach but not in s confrontational or judgemental way. That’s easily done, isn’t it?

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/02/2022 11:49

Just because he's 18 doesn't mean they suddenly develop morals and respectful understanding does it

To be fair given the DH has already been judge jury and executioner having not even spoken to the ds then he's in no place to talk about morals himself. This smacks more of judging by his own standards tbh

Kbyodjs · 03/02/2022 11:49

I would tread gently until you know the situation; the second one being better than steaming in and accusing him

Original poster
TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 11:51

@TheOrigRights

What does 'being very close together' mean?
I think DH meant close enough to be in each other arms but not quite because they were in the street if that makes sense?
OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 03/02/2022 11:51

I don't know why you can't just ask him what's going on. After that decide what approach to take. But your two options are the next step, not the first.

Colleen92 · 03/02/2022 11:52

*But!!!

As I said, if you are ALREADY either of you a bit matey and friends with your son in that you can ask a few questions WITHOUT poking your beaks in and give a few pearls of wisdom/advice WITHOUT interfering (as in, ideally, he asks or wants your input here!!) then absolutely go ahead.

I guys won't be here forever, he needs to be a stand-alone grown man without you, just as you both became. You gonna tell me I didn't learn from pain and mistakes?!

You're clearly a very loving and decent set (both of you, you disagree BECAUSE you both care - don't forget that. You're on the same team and have the same end result in mind for your son) of parents, it's ok to get it wrong! Just take the overall consensus from these replies and wing it.

sanbeiji · 03/02/2022 11:56

If you’re close enough to interfere in your son’s relationship you wouldn’t even need to ask this question.

As it stands all you can do is start a general conversation on dating principles etc etc and see what he says.

Or as PP say ask after X and see what he says.

Oblomov22 · 03/02/2022 11:56

The way pp Gannett phrased the questions seems the best.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 03/02/2022 11:56

I'd let my DH say something and find out what was going on. I wouldn't want my son to be a shit.

Too many shit young men about because their parents don't guide them to better behaviour IMO.

CharSiu · 03/02/2022 12:01

At 17 DS had multiple girls chasing him which I found quite amusing considering he just seemed like a slightly grubby teen. Good God though it fed his ego. They date differently these days. When I was young it was literally do you want to go out with me and that was it. I think a lot of dating is more American style now.

The issue is if he has promised to be exclusive with the first girl and is cheating. Establish facts first, if he is cheating I would say something though obviously you can’t stop him.

Original poster
TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 12:01

@Oblomov22

The way pp Gannett phrased the questions seems the best.
I agree. That's what feel right to me too.
OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 03/02/2022 12:03

Too many shit young men about because their parents don't guide them to better behaviour IMO

Surely the time to do this is befire they are old enough to move out and/or go get married without parental consent

Theblacksheepandme · 03/02/2022 12:19

Colleen92
Not sure if what you said was aimed at what I said but I included sons and daughters in my comment. Of course my daughter is going to date men that are not good. I've already taught her about red flags etc and quite a lot more. If there were more parents like OP that want to teach her son to be decent and respectful it would make all parents jobs a little easier. Do you not believe in teaching your kids this about relationships?