DH and I disagree on what to say to ds….

[TheApexOfMyLife]

Ds is 18yo, in his last year of A levels.

Ds has had a gf for a while, he isn’t talking about her that much. We know about her because she a came few times, he stayed at hers a couple of time but that’s it.
DH saw ds a couple of days ago with another girl ‘being very close together’. DH is now referring to her as ‘ds second gf’.

Now, DH is furious as he basically thinks ds is cheating on his gf. That’s a sensitive subject for DH who was cheated on before and he wants to have stern words with ds…

I would say I have no idea what’s going on between ds and his (original?) gf. No idea if he is actually ‘an item’ with the girl DH saw.
If I was having a conversation, I’d go more along the lines of ‘whatever you do, please ensure that everyone knows where they stand - if you are together or not, if you are exclusive or not. And btw, please use condoms for everyone, Incl yours, safety’.
Or maybe not having any conversation at all because it’s his life….

So what would you say?
YABU: cheating is never OK. Time for really stern words with ds
YANBU: we actually have no idea what going on. A general reminder to be a decent and respectful person would be the most we should do.

@Theblacksheepandme No not at all aimed at you (or anyone else unthread!)!!

Had to scroll to find your comment! I was thinking of all sides from my opinion, I don't think anyone is tight or wrong here and only skimmed your comment just now to reply, still haven't read it properly! I will now that you say that - just want to be clear I didn't see it or have any implications to other answers here. I'm a shit "read the OP post and respond without looking how many others have said the same or different poster!

ABitBesottedWithMyDog
Too many shit young men about because their parents don't guide them to better behaviour IMO

I completely agree with this.

I do think advising your children on moral questions is a lifelong duty, but that may be a cultural difference.

Ok read your comment now @Theblacksheepandme

Sorry if you feel my comment is ridiculous.

I am not saying parents shouldn't guide their kids!!! Maybe I worded it wrong?!

I am saying that it is not the fault of the fault or responsibility of either set of parents, but rather that you can only guide your own child/children in this context.
OP seems to feel she doesn't know what to do or think - that gave me the impression they aren't chatty with their son these topics, in a day to day and asking for parental advice type way.
If that is the case then don't feel you have to protect the random girls he appears to be playing, I'm definitely not saying she shouldn't care or try and instil decency!!!!

I thought it was a given fact that you do that, I certainly don't think anyone should raise a child in an "all about ypu/us" way!! Sorry if it seemed like that?!

Still worded that wrong - what is it you think I was saying, let's approach it that way!

Absolutely OPs son should know by now to treat girls fairly and decently. Absolutely if OP hasn't ensured this then that's a failure on her part.

I just assumed fromOPs posts that it was more likely that she/they HAD done their best to teach their son to be respectful , honest and decent and yet this cropped up as a dilemma that she and her DH are disagreeing on? My respnse(s) were written from that understanding, apologies if it isn't the case or if I was not clear.

And yes, I know many very decent men with absent fathers, my wonderful husband for one.

Colleen92
Absolutely OPs son should know by now to treat girls fairly and decently. Absolutely if OP hasn't ensured this then that's a failure on her part.

I also completely disagree that OP has failed. It sounds like she is trying to make sure her son is a decent young man. I also get where OP's husband is coming from. It obviously hurt him deeply when he was cheated on and is wrongly reacting with anger. I get the feeling OP will do exactly the right thing.

Colleen92
My feelings are that no matter what one's appearance is that it most certainly does not give a man free rein to treat that person like shit.

His an adult i would mind my own business

Ok, for a while there I thought this was a sensible adult conversation on an even footing.

I have clearly stated OP appears very caring and decent and seems a very good parent.

You either don't follow the written word well or are purposely being obtuse, either way it's irrelevant. I was continuing this dialogue for clarity and discussion, you are now twisting words and it's silly. Shall we say you win?! How odd, maybe you just want a row or are a troll, I have tried to openly discuss the points you have raised with my reply and it's not getting us anywhere so that'll do.

OP doesn't appear to be as confused or angry so that's what matters here I think! As you were

I also get where OP's husband is coming from. It obviously hurt him deeply when he was cheated on and is wrongly reacting with anger. I get the feeling OP will do exactly the right thing

He needs to be careful to not project the anger and paranoia onto the ds though. That regardless of cheating or not is , while they are on the subject of attempting to guide their adult ds in healthy respectful relationships, not a justified trait that he should be learning about.

Cheating isn't good.

Nor is anger and paranoia at a situation that's not even been confirmed.

Both are red flags in a relationship

Sorry, @TheApexOfMyLife , this was an unintentional hijack of your thread and has no relevance. I won't continue to argue here and hope you don't think I was implying any such thing(s)!!

He's 18. Let him make his own mistakes. I doubt he would appreciate you meddling in his business anyway

Whatwouldscullydo
I also get where OP's husband is coming from. It obviously hurt him deeply when he was cheated on and is wrongly reacting with anger. I get the feeling OP will do exactly the right thing

He needs to be careful to not project the anger and paranoia onto the ds though. That regardless of cheating or not is , while they are on the subject of attempting to guide their adult ds in healthy respectful relationships, not a justified trait that he should be learning about.

Cheating isn't good.

Nor is anger and paranoia at a situation that's not even been confirmed.

Both are red flags in a relationship

You're completely right.

I am going to say thank you for the posters who think I am a good parent.
I’m not perfect (and not always convinced) but I’m trying :)

@Whatwouldscullydo, I agree with you there too.

I also have an issue with the fact dh tends to be quite judgemental in general. A whole other thread but it is at the back of my mind too.

Definitely start with asking after GF1, they may well have broken up and this is a rebound.

It could be they are having an agreed open relationship. It could be hes cheating. It could be DH jumped to conclusions about ds and a mate.

Start with a gentle chat.