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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To play the long game

93 replies

BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:25

Think DH is cheating with one of my closest friends. Not 100% but I've had a gut feeling about some stuff for a while now. Just little things that made me feel uncomfortable. Fast forward a few months and he's left me. There was a bit more suspicion about there being someone else but he of course denied it. Anyway a couple more things have happened to make me suspect this friend and I just don't know what to do! On the one hand she has been amazingly supportive and encouraging me to look at the worst of him and the positives of him leaving. She is very unhappy in her own marriage but it is not straightforward for her to leave so I wonder if they are having to wait it out and he has left first to make it easier for them to carry on. I have found the breakup hard because although things weren't great we have been together for 35 years. Obviously them getting together would rock our circle (we live in a small village). I hate thinking like this of my friend as she has been amazing but I can't ignore my gut and there has been a couple of other more recent things that have happened to make me even more suspicious. Do I confront and risk losing a good friend if I'm wrong? Do I wait it out until I have proof? Is it wrong to keep quiet and lay the groundwork to find out the truth? Shes always seemed such a loyal person it makes me feel sick to the stomach that if my suspicions are correct she has betrayed me in this way (I'm not putting all the blame on her by the way but DH has left me so his betrayal of our life and marriage is not in doubt). I'm even beginning to wonder if shes just being a good friend to keep the cover. Sorry for the ramble but what do I do? How do I figure this out without it all blowing up in my face?

OP posts:
Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 16:32

What is it that's making you suspicious?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 16:35

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..

Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 16:36

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..
That's a good idea
Doggymama123 · 02/02/2022 16:41

Always trust your gut OP.

ALWAYS.

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 16:42

Unless you have something really concrete, say nothing.

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 16:43

For now.

Agree you could say that you wanted to fix things and watch her reaction. Genius idea.

YellowLemonz · 02/02/2022 16:44

I think it would be very hard to ask without having proof ready.

What makes you think it's her?

Toanewstart22 · 02/02/2022 16:44

Do you have any evidence beyond a gut feeling?

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:45

@Tiramysu

What is it that's making you suspicious?
Initially it was just looks and behaviours around each other (we spent alot of time together) then he would go out a bit more and it would be at times when they may bump into each other. Then once he announced he was leaving there was suspicion of messaging but couldn't be sure. A call to her that he deleted from his call log which she also didn't mention. Them both going awol at the same time. All vague suspicions but I think last week she spent the afternoon with him and I caught her in a lie about where she was. Although he denies anyone else being involved he is behaving very guilty so I don't believe him.
OP posts:
Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 16:47

A call to her that he deleted from his call log which she also didn't mention. highly suspect

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:47

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..
This is what I'm wondering. Feed her some stuff and see what happens.
OP posts:
Mybestyear · 02/02/2022 16:47

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Have you asked her “do you think he might be having as affair” and see what her reaction is? If she is, I would imagine she would want to shut the conversation down - nah, no way - sort of thing. As opposed to wanting to discuss “what makes you say that?”. I don’t know if there’s any mileage in this, just imaging what I would do/think if I was her.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 16:48

Do paper mobile bills still exist?

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:48

@Tiramysu

A call to her that he deleted from his call log which she also didn't mention. highly suspect
I know right!
OP posts:
dontgiveahoot · 02/02/2022 16:49

Trust your gut.

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:49

@Mybestyear

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Have you asked her “do you think he might be having as affair” and see what her reaction is? If she is, I would imagine she would want to shut the conversation down - nah, no way - sort of thing. As opposed to wanting to discuss “what makes you say that?”. I don’t know if there’s any mileage in this, just imaging what I would do/think if I was her.
She says she doesn't think he is at all but she did ask for details on what made me suspicious
OP posts:
Wilkolampshade · 02/02/2022 16:51

Oh OP. So very hurtful for you, I'm so sorry.
Personally, I'd want absolute catch'em at it proof just to wipe the smile off their faces... but yes, it does all sound dodgy af.

ABitOfAShitShow · 02/02/2022 16:52

Agree with Easter about a good next step.

I’ve never been in your shoes but I really don’t think you’d be suspecting this for no reason. Going with your gut is usually right.

NorthSouthcatlady · 02/02/2022 16:52

Another vote to trust your gut. I would play the medium game, watching to see what else happens. Plus start making “we can work it out noises”, “we both still have feelings for each other” etc type noises. Not sure if l would tell her of affair suspicions, her response would be interesting potentially but if they are up to something odds on she will tell him

ABitOfAShitShow · 02/02/2022 16:53

Also - I really feel for you. Whether she’s involved or not, it’s bloody awful. Flowers

LadyGagagagaga123 · 02/02/2022 16:55

Private investigator. A woman I knew used one and it worked - she was right

Wilkolampshade · 02/02/2022 16:55

Also OP, it just makes me so cross for you! 35 years ffs! Why can't they just keep it in their f'kin pants!

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 16:55

I knew my x was seeing somebody because he stopped being an asshole to me. And i knew they"d split up when he started being an arse again

So i do believe you know but i would wait for something more absolute than them missing or uncontactable at the same time.

Does she seem all newly in love?

If she were seeing your h, the saner thing to do would be to distance herself!!!

mumsie8 · 02/02/2022 16:58

Or tell her that your H has mentioned reconciling and see if he comes to you with faux outrage about this blatant lie. If the only person you've told is her with this "fact" then that will say a lot.

girlmom21 · 02/02/2022 16:59

@mumsie8

Or tell her that your H has mentioned reconciling and see if he comes to you with faux outrage about this blatant lie. If the only person you've told is her with this "fact" then that will say a lot.
This is a good idea
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