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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To play the long game

93 replies

BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:25

Think DH is cheating with one of my closest friends. Not 100% but I've had a gut feeling about some stuff for a while now. Just little things that made me feel uncomfortable. Fast forward a few months and he's left me. There was a bit more suspicion about there being someone else but he of course denied it. Anyway a couple more things have happened to make me suspect this friend and I just don't know what to do! On the one hand she has been amazingly supportive and encouraging me to look at the worst of him and the positives of him leaving. She is very unhappy in her own marriage but it is not straightforward for her to leave so I wonder if they are having to wait it out and he has left first to make it easier for them to carry on. I have found the breakup hard because although things weren't great we have been together for 35 years. Obviously them getting together would rock our circle (we live in a small village). I hate thinking like this of my friend as she has been amazing but I can't ignore my gut and there has been a couple of other more recent things that have happened to make me even more suspicious. Do I confront and risk losing a good friend if I'm wrong? Do I wait it out until I have proof? Is it wrong to keep quiet and lay the groundwork to find out the truth? Shes always seemed such a loyal person it makes me feel sick to the stomach that if my suspicions are correct she has betrayed me in this way (I'm not putting all the blame on her by the way but DH has left me so his betrayal of our life and marriage is not in doubt). I'm even beginning to wonder if shes just being a good friend to keep the cover. Sorry for the ramble but what do I do? How do I figure this out without it all blowing up in my face?

OP posts:

Wigglegiggle0520 · 02/02/2022 18:47

@FirstTimeSecondTime

I would hire a private investigator and not mention it to friend.

This. For my own sanity if nothing else. I think it’s be money well spent. What an awful thing to be dealing with OP. Sorry you’re going through it

2bazookas · 02/02/2022 19:03

Why not ask your exDH? Nothing to be lost by offending him.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 02/02/2022 19:17

I don't think playing any games will be helpful to you - there is no WINNING in this scenario, and you'll feel more broken whatever happens. Losing a friend, or knowing she was never a friend.

Go the investigator road. That's the only way to get it done and quick.

So sorry you are in this situation. What shit.

girlmom21 · 02/02/2022 19:17

@2bazookas

Why not ask your exDH? Nothing to be lost by offending him.

She has and he said no

5128gap · 02/02/2022 19:23

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..

Even better if you can tell her he wants to fix things with you and has been calling and begging you for another chance.

whenthedoveslie · 03/02/2022 08:09

Investigator all the way.

As tempting as many of the suggestions here are, I think it just prolongs OP's pain and the torture of not knowing.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 08:23

There is no room for games in my life
And I’m al the happier for it

Astrak · 03/02/2022 08:34

Another one who thinks that the private investigator is the way to go.
Get the facts upon which to base your next moves and forward planning.
Sorry that you're having to go through this.
Good luck with the rest of your life. X

fleurpots · 03/02/2022 08:39

Honestly op I can't see the benefit to you in 'playing the long game' - surely all of this stress is not doing you any good?

I would get some concrete evidence asap (though I understand this is easier said than done) and either confront or let her know you know and then block her.

TheDivineOddity · 03/02/2022 09:12

I echo the investigator route as others have suggested.

At the moment you are in a situation of lies, half truths and suspicion.

Knowing the full truth of it whatever is happening will give you the strength you need to think clearly and take back control.

DropYourSword · 03/02/2022 09:20

@Valkyrie40

Go one better - Tell your friend he came round and you had sex with him and see her reaction.

It doesn't matter that it's a lie bc if he confronts you about it you'll know you were right because she has obviously asked him!

Oooor, you could say that he's confessed he's cheated on you but won't tell you who with and he is now having second thoughts about shacking up with her because she's a pain in the ass, he regrets it and he's terrified she's now going to leave her husband for him. You're considering whether to forgive him or not.

That might get a reaction you can read.

PrettyBluebells · 03/02/2022 09:24

I'd definitely go with the private investigator. Any of the others games could backfire, you say you don't want to confront her in case it's not true and you'd lose her friendship. Play any of the other games and that friendship is over too, as that's the thing you're trying to avoid, playing games is much worse.

RandomLondoner · 03/02/2022 09:36

It looks like I'm the only one wondering what the point of all this is. Why does it matter why he left, if he's definitely not coming back? What is the actual benefit of knowing it's the best friend he's fallen for, if you're not planning some sort of revenge plot?

I don't think it's a crime for someone to want someone else. I can see how it might be upsetting, but I wouldn't say either of them are doing anything wrong. OK, lying is wrong, but I can see how it could be difficult to be truthful in this situation, especially as it may take you months to understand for yourself what the truth is. (For the record, I haven't been on either side of such a relationship, this is just my point of view.)

It's hard for me to imagine myself in this situation, but I think I would just get on with building a new life.

CannelloniMacaroni · 03/02/2022 09:50

@RandomLondoner

It's hard for me to imagine myself in this situation, but I think I would just get on with building a new life.

Yeah but the question is will the new life be with or without the best friend. You’d want to know too, wouldn’t you?

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 03/02/2022 10:39

@RandomLondoner

It's hard for me to imagine myself in this situation, but I think I would just get on with building a new life.

She needs to know if she can trust her friend or not. It’s a massive betrayal for a close friend to run off with your partner and then snoop for information pretending to still be a friend.

OP, trust your gut. I would massively distance myself from thus friend, wouldn’t confide in her at all.

GlassHalfFull10 · 08/02/2022 07:10

Have you found out any more OP?

itsfreeeeeeezing1234 · 09/02/2022 01:15

Are you ok OP? Xx

HootOwl · 09/02/2022 01:55

Hope you are alright, OP.

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