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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To play the long game

93 replies

BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:25

Think DH is cheating with one of my closest friends. Not 100% but I've had a gut feeling about some stuff for a while now. Just little things that made me feel uncomfortable. Fast forward a few months and he's left me. There was a bit more suspicion about there being someone else but he of course denied it. Anyway a couple more things have happened to make me suspect this friend and I just don't know what to do! On the one hand she has been amazingly supportive and encouraging me to look at the worst of him and the positives of him leaving. She is very unhappy in her own marriage but it is not straightforward for her to leave so I wonder if they are having to wait it out and he has left first to make it easier for them to carry on. I have found the breakup hard because although things weren't great we have been together for 35 years. Obviously them getting together would rock our circle (we live in a small village). I hate thinking like this of my friend as she has been amazing but I can't ignore my gut and there has been a couple of other more recent things that have happened to make me even more suspicious. Do I confront and risk losing a good friend if I'm wrong? Do I wait it out until I have proof? Is it wrong to keep quiet and lay the groundwork to find out the truth? Shes always seemed such a loyal person it makes me feel sick to the stomach that if my suspicions are correct she has betrayed me in this way (I'm not putting all the blame on her by the way but DH has left me so his betrayal of our life and marriage is not in doubt). I'm even beginning to wonder if shes just being a good friend to keep the cover. Sorry for the ramble but what do I do? How do I figure this out without it all blowing up in my face?

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 17:31

I think incorrect gossip that i had slept with a married man cost me a job that would have suited me. I can never know that, but think twice before presenting yrslf as unhinged just to get information that will come out in the end.

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 17:32

@Angrymum22

You could come clean her about the two other affairs he had earlier in your relationship that you know of 😉 and that you hope he doesn’t expect you to forgive him this time. Or the fact you won’t need to bother with condoms anymore to protect you against herpes. Or maybe that he’s left his viagra at home. I would be having fun winding her up. It’s suspicious that she is encouraging you to move on rather than supporting you. This would be the biggest red flag to me. When my BIL broke up with his girlfriend to set up home with her married best friend, the married best friend had been letting NIL ex cry on her shoulder for weeks before BIL ended it. All the time encouraging her to see how the relationship was going no where. Two weeks after gf left the best friend had left her husband and moved in. She is now my SIL and I have very little respect for her and trust her even less. It was an utterly vile thing to do on both their parts.
You've reminded me that a while back she was encouraging me to question my marriage. Assumed it was just part of her general rant about her unhappiness with her husband. God its not looking good is it!
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 17:32

Tell her you want to fix things with him.
Watch her reaction closely.

I’m not sure this will help.
She may be happy for you or she may act off because she’s your friend and doesn’t want you getting hurt.

In theory saying about him being with a different friend could be a good idea but again her reaction could be that she’s in shock he’d do that to you.

I don’t think I would ask her.
I think I would tell him that you’ve been told he’s been seeing one of your friends and try and get him to admit it.
You don’t want to risk loosing your friend over nothing.

Has he left anything at yours that you can check messages - like Facebook or emails or anything?

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 17:33

@Hshuznw

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Been together for 35 years but having primary aged children is some feat!
Late 40s we got together in my teens
OP posts:
mumda · 02/02/2022 17:34

@mumsie8

Or tell her that your H has mentioned reconciling and see if he comes to you with faux outrage about this blatant lie. If the only person you've told is her with this "fact" then that will say a lot.
Or tell her face to face you've got an STD from him. :-D
Chickychickydodah · 02/02/2022 17:42

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this,if you really think it is her tell her that you have just been diagnosed with a bad strain or gonorrhea and watch her face .
Wishing you all the best 💐

billy1966 · 02/02/2022 17:43

You could easily have been with someone since you were 15, be 50 now with primary aged children.

Trust your gut, but not a word.

Better to do as advised, confide that you were hoping to get back together but are so upset to hear that he was seen with someone that DOESN'T have her hair colour, 10 years younger, in a village nearby.

Be gutted, but say I knew there was someone else, and make up the identity of the person who told you.

Also tell her he was far more interested in sex before he left, which can be a sign of an affair.

Be very disappointed, but watch her face very carefully.

Preferably someone 10 years younger.

How upsetting, but I would trust your gut.

Flowers
InThePresenceOfWeevil · 02/02/2022 17:43

@Valkyrie40

Go one better - Tell your friend he came round and you had sex with him and see her reaction.

It doesn't matter that it's a lie bc if he confronts you about it you'll know you were right because she has obviously asked him!

This is what I was going to suggest
mcmooberry · 02/02/2022 17:50

I think you could just about stake the farm on this if I am honest, too many things adding up. I really hope it's not though, her treating you like a fool is unbearable.

declutteringmymind · 02/02/2022 17:52

Is she acting as a spy for him??? Be very careful what you say to her, it's going straight back to him.

ShootForTheBars · 02/02/2022 17:59

Say you’ve found out he’s seeing someone at work. That the OW contacted you.

It’s risky because if it turns out not to be true, you’ll lose the friendship explaining what you were doing. But I’m inclined to agree with PPs about trusting your gut. Sorry Op.

Hdhr8jsj · 02/02/2022 18:14

God this is so shit for you OP Flowers

It will eventually come out... I think I would have to goad her a little.

ABitOfAShitShow · 02/02/2022 18:14

You need to find out the truth sharpish, OP. One way or another. Even if it takes a few tactics to get some clarity.

Aside from just wanting to know and needing things to make sense when it comes to your marriage, you cannot have her around you if there's any chance you're right - it will really mess with your head if you find it to be true later and she's been 'supporting' you the whole time.

I really hope you're wrong. I cannot fathom a friend doing that. If you're not wrong, you can tell her we all think she's a massive c*.

ABitOfAShitShow · 02/02/2022 18:16

@declutteringmymind

Is she acting as a spy for him??? Be very careful what you say to her, it's going straight back to him.
All the more reason to make sure it's something he won't be able to resist reacting to/correcting. Because then the OP will know exactly where he's getting his info.
Wiseupkid · 02/02/2022 18:17

I would ask her over with a glass of wine and would not touch mine and tell you have no idea what to do - dh is still in love with you and wants to get back together, and you still love him - you are thinking about inviting him over for wine and sex later to see if you are still feeling 'in love' with him and if the spark is still there and ask her advice. Watch her carefully as you tell her, you will know unless she is a professional liar.

If she has nothing to hide, she will encourage you to give it your best shot after 35 years.

I am sorry to say but the story of affairs between friends is as long as the hills, and must be devastating after such a long marriage Flowers

Inthesameboatatmo · 02/02/2022 18:18

How awful for you op. I would hire an investigator.

flicktheswitch22 · 02/02/2022 18:21

You could confide in her you have won an obscene amount of money on the lottery. See if DH suddenly wants to reconcile....

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 18:21

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..
I like this. But what about if you told her a secret about him instead, something untrue, that she would go back to him with..
Giraffesandbottoms · 02/02/2022 18:22

I would absolutely “confide” in her that you are having sex again and it’s mindblowing.

SeeminglyOblivious · 02/02/2022 18:28

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..

OR level up and create havoc.

Tell her he called you and said he'd made a huge mistake. Say you had your suspicions he'd been seeing someone but he's obviously realised the grass isn't greener. Tell her you laughed in his face and turned him down.

Make sure you do it face to face - there's no way she'll be able to cover it completely if she is the OW.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 02/02/2022 18:28

I would just sit her down and say

“He’s told me everything”

Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 02/02/2022 18:30

I would hire a private investigator and not mention it to friend.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 02/02/2022 18:33

I would be cared about making anything up to catch her out. What if you told her he had called or been to see you when she knows it’s at a time that she was with him? She would know you’re onto them and you would have no leverage

PeakyBlender · 02/02/2022 18:38

I would tell her he's crying to come back and begging for sex, and say he's saying he can't live without the fantastic blow jobs I give.

See what her face tells you.

Sorry this is happening to you x

Furrydogmum · 02/02/2022 18:44

Tell her you've had a couple of post break up tumbles and hes obviously been playing around as you now have an sti.. Would maybe be satisfying, but I really feel for you - my dh and I are a similar length of relationship/age as you but our kids are older and I can't imagine going through this when you'd like to stay together. A P.I. might be a good call..