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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To play the long game

93 replies

BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 16:25

Think DH is cheating with one of my closest friends. Not 100% but I've had a gut feeling about some stuff for a while now. Just little things that made me feel uncomfortable. Fast forward a few months and he's left me. There was a bit more suspicion about there being someone else but he of course denied it. Anyway a couple more things have happened to make me suspect this friend and I just don't know what to do! On the one hand she has been amazingly supportive and encouraging me to look at the worst of him and the positives of him leaving. She is very unhappy in her own marriage but it is not straightforward for her to leave so I wonder if they are having to wait it out and he has left first to make it easier for them to carry on. I have found the breakup hard because although things weren't great we have been together for 35 years. Obviously them getting together would rock our circle (we live in a small village). I hate thinking like this of my friend as she has been amazing but I can't ignore my gut and there has been a couple of other more recent things that have happened to make me even more suspicious. Do I confront and risk losing a good friend if I'm wrong? Do I wait it out until I have proof? Is it wrong to keep quiet and lay the groundwork to find out the truth? Shes always seemed such a loyal person it makes me feel sick to the stomach that if my suspicions are correct she has betrayed me in this way (I'm not putting all the blame on her by the way but DH has left me so his betrayal of our life and marriage is not in doubt). I'm even beginning to wonder if shes just being a good friend to keep the cover. Sorry for the ramble but what do I do? How do I figure this out without it all blowing up in my face?

OP posts:
mumda · 02/02/2022 16:59

Do you and her both use the same perfume?

Eightiesfan · 02/02/2022 17:00

@LadyGagagagaga123

Private investigator. A woman I knew used one and it worked - she was right
This

And do not share any more information with her she sounds like she is checking up on you.

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/02/2022 17:01

I know it’s not the time for playing games but could you feed her some massive lies that he won’t be able to resist feeding back to you? Maybe tell her that the sex has always been awful and you’ve had to fake every orgasm you’ve ever had (or not that, but you know, something that would strike at the heart of his ego and force him to defend himself). I’m sure people could think of something more subtle. I’m just thinking if it’s an outrageous lie that he can’t prove, you could at least find out that she’s betraying your confidence by telling him what you’re saying. At which point them cheating isn’t a big leap.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this after all those years together Flowers

itsfreeeeeeezing1234 · 02/02/2022 17:01

I'm sorry your going through this. ❤️

Georgeskitchen · 02/02/2022 17:02

Bide your time. Watch and wait. If anything is going on, she/they will trip up eventually

InvalidCrumb · 02/02/2022 17:03

Say you've seen him out with and it looked like there might be something on there but you're "not sure, what do you think, friend?"

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/02/2022 17:03

X post with mumsie! The counselling is a good idea. Or even something like you’re sure he’s having an affair with someone from work - mention a name. See if he manages to slip her into conversation to prove that he’s definitely not shagging her.

Horst · 02/02/2022 17:04

You could always make out like his trying to win you back.

Do you have children he has to collect for eow? You could even do a oh his soo gross even made a pass at me as the children where out of the room getting their things.

I’d definitely feed her lies though, planning on moving, new big job, see what gets back to him.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/02/2022 17:04

Regale her with stories of how your relationship has suddenly improved and you're having the best, most kinky sex of your lives.

Sorry, that's a bit flippant. Good luck OP.

FabriqueBelgique · 02/02/2022 17:05

Yes play the long game. Act the same as you always would, don’t do any dropping comments to see the reaction, that’ll be obvious- she’ll be desperately looking for signs that you know.

Valkyrie40 · 02/02/2022 17:06

Go one better - Tell your friend he came round and you had sex with him and see her reaction.

It doesn't matter that it's a lie bc if he confronts you about it you'll know you were right because she has obviously asked him!

AnyFucker · 02/02/2022 17:08

You, if you felt so inclined (many would not of course), could really fuck with their heads

Tell her you have started sleeping together again “for old times sake”

Sit back and watch it flush them out, or not

Horst · 02/02/2022 17:08

You could just start processings and name her and watch the fall out too

Hshuznw · 02/02/2022 17:18

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Tell her you want to fix things with him. Watch her reaction closely..
This.

And also that you found the other woman and spoken to her, to make her think that your H has been lying to her.

Hshuznw · 02/02/2022 17:19

@AnyFucker

You, if you felt so inclined (many would not of course), could really fuck with their heads

Tell her you have started sleeping together again “for old times sake”

Sit back and watch it flush them out, or not

Oh this is even better! Just need to be careful to make sure it’s not happened at time he can prove he was elsewhere.
Eightiesfan · 02/02/2022 17:19

OP, the question is would you want him back? If the answer is no, then do not waste time on the long game as you need to start divorce proceedings. If you think you can forgive him (assuming there is anything to forgive, as you don’t actually know he’s cheating) ask him to go for counselling with you.

However, I would definitely hire an investigator, if anything is going on with this friend you will know within the week.

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 17:20

I just feel sick. If its true there are times when she has come straight from him to me. Its hard enough dealing with the shock of my marriage ending after all this time without thinking this betrayal is happening. In some ways that is worse! We have been friends for 7 years. Our families are close and our kids (both have 2 primary age) are the same age and see each other all the time. We've had a few holidays together etc It has only been the last few months where I have had this feeling though so don't think its a long term thing throughout our whole friendship. I hate that I'm questioning everything at a time when things are hard enough 😕

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 17:21

I wouldnt tell her he made a pass at you or that you had sex. You will end up branded a delusional fantasist.

Far simpler to do what mumsie suggested and then when you have seen her reaction, say "wait, what was i thinking!".

If i was going to test the circuitry of information flow, i might tell her that i was going to a school reunion. (If you went to a co ed school)

Angrymum22 · 02/02/2022 17:22

You could come clean her about the two other affairs he had earlier in your relationship that you know of 😉 and that you hope he doesn’t expect you to forgive him this time. Or the fact you won’t need to bother with condoms anymore to protect you against herpes. Or maybe that he’s left his viagra at home.
I would be having fun winding her up.
It’s suspicious that she is encouraging you to move on rather than supporting you. This would be the biggest red flag to me. When my BIL broke up with his girlfriend to set up home with her married best friend, the married best friend had been letting NIL ex cry on her shoulder for weeks before BIL ended it. All the time encouraging her to see how the relationship was going no where. Two weeks after gf left the best friend had left her husband and moved in. She is now my SIL and I have very little respect for her and trust her even less. It was an utterly vile thing to do on both their parts.

Hshuznw · 02/02/2022 17:23

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Been together for 35 years but having primary aged children is some feat!

Valkyrie40 · 02/02/2022 17:25

I wouldnt tell her he made a pass at you or that you had sex. You will end up branded a delusional fantasist.

Who bloody cares at this point? I wouldn't give a stuff what they thought of me. It will hopefully give OP the answers she needs and when (if) she catches them out by saying this she can turn around and say "gotcha!" If she so wishes. It's not like she'd have to carry on with the lie once they were caught.

Sunsetsupernova · 02/02/2022 17:26

I think I’d be tempted to go down the private investigator route just to find out for sure. Otherwise you could be torturing yourself for months wondering if they are but not having any concrete evidence

Original poster
BetrayedByF · 02/02/2022 17:26

Based on why I have been told that he has left (ie no cheating) then I would be more than happy to have counselling to see if we can reconcile. He does not want this. This is more about whether my friend is cheating on me I guess! And obviously knowing the truth about DHs reasons so I can process this. If he's full of crap and he just was having an affair then that would make me feel differently about him.

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 17:29

I would care. Dignity. People talk. They live in a town where there is talk. If the friend is the OW, she might enjoy the narrative that OP is a delusional fantasist.

People hearing the exaggerated tales might enjoy that narrative too.

A boring story wont pass around a small town as fast as a story with a mad female protagonist.

So easy to type who cares but i live in a town and have lived through this gossipy shit.

Hshuznw · 02/02/2022 17:30

@UserBot9to5

I would care. Dignity. People talk. They live in a town where there is talk. If the friend is the OW, she might enjoy the narrative that OP is a delusional fantasist.

People hearing the exaggerated tales might enjoy that narrative too.

A boring story wont pass around a small town as fast as a story with a mad female protagonist.

So easy to type who cares but i live in a town and have lived through this gossipy shit.

Once (if) it transpires that they had an affair, OP won’t be the villain at all.
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