that school should offer lunch time detentions?

[ljs22]

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

Our schools do lunchtime detentions.

And I disagree with the whole concept, nobody every got better at something because they were punished.

A one hour after school detention seems very excessive for your daughter handing in homework, on time, that was almost complete except for a question that she didn’t understand.

You really need to think about whether this is:
A) an isolated incident
B) was it actually handed in on time
C) was it truly only one question that wasn’t answered completely
D) did your DD approach the teacher at any point to say she didn’t understand.

If it is inconvenient for you to collect your DD from school, you don’t want her getting public transport etc then you are going to need to be more vigilant about what work needs handing in and when. Ask your DD to produce it for you to see the night before it is due in. The teacher is certainly not to blame and you can’t expect one rule for you and another for everyone else.

@ljs22. They are not compulsory. A request for lunchtime instead is reasonable.

This is where mn is a parallel universe for me.

All the secondary age kids round here who do after school sport or other activity finish at 5pm. They all get buses home to their various locations. Some are even rural. It happens every day. Absolutely normal.

And as for the taxi cost - it's your dd that pays for it. That's the point of detentions - a deterrent.

Our school is quite petty and vindictive with detentions for pretty minor things. I would have thought at 15, she'd have picked her favourite subjects for GCSE so there wouldn't be a case of not liking subjects

*You really need to think about whether this is:
A) an isolated incident
B) was it actually handed in on time
C) was it truly only one question that wasn’t answered completely
D) did your DD approach the teacher at any point to say she didn’t understand.

A) As far as I know, yes. I'm sure I'd have been contacted before now if there were any other issues with her work in this particular subject. She hasn't had any detentions recently either.

B) yes - she took it to todays lesson as asked.

C) yes - I've seen it.

D) no. This is where she could have done something different, I agree.

I would tell DD to get the bus with all the changes and walk from wherever it drops her off, and she needs to pay out of her pocket money.

I don’t know why you see the school as unreasonable here. Make sure she has money and she can get herself home. She needs this to affect her not you… sitting around waiting for a bus in the cold will give her time to reflect on her behaviour. This is her problem not yours…. You’re being to soft…. Poor girl having to get her homework done…. We don’t get to go to work and not do our jobs… this will be a really good learning opportunity for her.

@ljs22

Just reply to email from school saying you refuse consent for them to keep her after school for any detention, as she has no safe way to get home since she will miss school home time coach.

That you are willing to discuss alternatives but your DD has been told she is to leave school every day at home time without exception and they are not to attempt to prevent her from doing so.

Tell your DD she is to say "im sorry but I leave at home time - we can discuss this another time " and to leave.

I don't know why some PPs don't understand they need your consent (& hers!) and you do not have to give it.

@Glittertwins

Our school is quite petty and vindictive with detentions for pretty minor things. I would have thought at 15, she'd have picked her favourite subjects for GCSE so there wouldn't be a case of not liking subjects

She did. She loved them all when she chose them a couple years ago but she's gone "off" a couple of them. She has her clear favourites and a clear idea of what she wants to do career wise, so in some ways I think she's given up on certain subjects. But that's by the by in this particular instance as she actually gave it a good go! (And it's even one of the subjects she claims to have gone off)

However OP you need to follow up on the issue she got detention for. It sounds disproportionate and that she didn't understand the work so couldn't complete it. Sounds like an over reaction, as I wouldn't expect detention for a pupil not understanding the work or running out of time to complete it as it took too long/ was too hard.

I think your being a bit dramatic. Hanging around may seem riskier, (although it seems to be the main activity of the majority of teens where I live) however she's at far greater risk of harm in the car on the way home and I doubt that is enough to distract you from your work.

@PlantsAndSpaniels

I remember my mum complaining to the school about my brothers after school detentions for similar reasons. They changed it to lunchtime ones. People saying its inconvenient for the teachers, it's usually not just one child at a time and they used to do other work at the same time like marking or helping with coursework.

Bet the teachers would rather have a lunch break!

YANBU, as someone who lives quite rurally and several school friends lived even more rurally. One of my friends was attacked on a journey home from school, she had been late home because of an after school club had run over time due to a sports match. Fortunately her father interrupted the attacker as he came to find her on her way home as being late was a rarity, she wasn’t hurt, just very shocked and obviously terrified. So I can understand why you’d be concerned. This is not to scare you, but to make other posters aware that it isn’t always safe for teenagers to travel home in the dark to ‘punish them’. This was in the 90s and was very rare indeed. I also agree that you as a parent shouldn’t be punished too.

@ljs22 I don't care what she wants. It's about how it affects my own day.

Parenting 2022 🙄

I'm thinking I'm going to contest this detention completely now I've seen her attempt

Before actually contesting it, I like your plan to ask for clarity on exactly what happened - especially when, with her "can't be bothered" remarks, it's entirely possible she filled in the rest of the work before showing you

Another way round future detentions/transport problems could be to pay for a taxi to get her home, and deduct the cost from her allowance
Somehow I doubt she'll be quite so keen if it's costing her money ...

It's not really for you to agree or disgaree with a punishment. The school set their rules and it's up to your daughter to follow them. It's parents like you wanting to decide the parameters of the rules that make teachers lives hard.

Imagine you'd given a curfew and said she needed to be in by 8pm and not a minute later or she's grounded for the next day. Then in she strolls at 8.05pm. No text, no phonecall. Ignore it, and next time it will be ten past, or quarter past. But 'on paper' you're being petty and quibbling over five minutes.

Teachers have to draw a line and stick to it, especially teaching the numbers they do. Incomplete means incomplete.

I think yanbu. It's dark, and she's 15. I'd tell her to get the coach on time to get home safely.

@ljs22 I'd definitely be talking to the teacher who gave that detention as it sounds disproportionate and not at all supportive of a pupil who needs help in an area.
We've had similar this last week - all for punishments where warranted and we support the school but on this occasion it was not and the teacher ended up backing down when we asked for solid proof of the supposed offence since they simply could not provide it.

These replies are just awful, how anyone can think it acceptable for a 15 year old girl to be wandering around in the dark is just unfathomable.

Have posters not seen the news in the last month or so, women being attacked in broad daylight.

Schools really do need to think their safeguarding policy if they deem this correct punishment, honestly OP I am mad on your behalf. Hope you manage to get it sorted with correct safeguarding.

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.

I’ll tell you how - by not minimising any consequences of her actions. It was your choice to move miles away from her school, you weren’t thinking about her safety then! Arranging for someone to pick her up from school has done the exact opposite of the actual detention she was given in the first place. It’s told her she has got carte Blanche to behave in any way she chooses and you’ll just pick up the pieces after her.

@ljs22

I think you've been very patient on this thread.

You're not opposing the school, you are just asking for a proportionate response that doesn't have a significantly adverse effect on you.

I think your approach of contacting the school for clarity on the homework and why a detention is merited, is wise.

@Wheelz46

These replies are just awful, how anyone can think it acceptable for a 15 year old girl to be wandering around in the dark is just unfathomable.

Have posters not seen the news in the last month or so, women being attacked in broad daylight.

Schools really do need to think their safeguarding policy if they deem this correct punishment, honestly OP I am mad on your behalf. Hope you manage to get it sorted with correct safeguarding.

The school have changed the detention to a day OPs daughter can be collected from school.

@MrsTophamHat

It's not really for you to agree or disgaree with a punishment. The school set their rules and it's up to your daughter to follow them. It's parents like you wanting to decide the parameters of the rules that make teachers lives hard.

Imagine you'd given a curfew and said she needed to be in by 8pm and not a minute later or she's grounded for the next day. Then in she strolls at 8.05pm. No text, no phonecall. Ignore it, and next time it will be ten past, or quarter past. But 'on paper' you're being petty and quibbling over five minutes.

Teachers have to draw a line and stick to it, especially teaching the numbers they do. Incomplete means incomplete.

Not being able to answer a question is not remotely comparable to being late. Especially when an attempt was made.

It would only be comparable if the OP hadn’t taught her daughter how to tell the time and then punished her for being late…

You don’t punish children for not knowing answers. That’s the quickest way to turn them off learning.

Our school do lunch time not after school detentions for this very reason. We live in a very remote area and there are only about 4 buses a day so if you miss the bus after school your only option is a lift or taxi that will be a minimum of £40.