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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws know too much about our finances

93 replies

Rona95 · 02/02/2022 08:27

I'm curious to know how much others share regarding their finances with their in laws? My MIL and FIL both feel that it's appropriate to ask me EVERYTHING about my finances e.g. how much I earn when I started my new job, how much I got when I was promoted, what every little repair in our house/car is going to cost. They even try to dictate how we pay certain things e.g. cash or credit card. They recently tried to insist that we pay for our car repairs with cash rather than credit card, to the point that they were insisting on handing the money to the garage themselves on our behalf, for us to pay them back later (WTF??!!).

This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness.

We're not exactly helping ourselves by not telling them to bugger off and mind their own business, and I know that. It's got to the point that I've pretty much stopped sharing my business with them e.g. I'm starting a new course for my career and it's going to cost a fair amount, I chose not to tell them because they'll ask me about the cost and try to work out my finances for me. I love that they're involved in our lives, and they clearly care for us a lot, but it feels a little overbearing.

I just want to know what the best way to tell them to back off would be?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 02/02/2022 08:30

You know that just because someone asks you something you dont have to answer right? Smile, deflect, shut down.

Cocomarine · 02/02/2022 08:31

That’s not caring, it’s controlling.
My in laws know the same as my own parents - which is FUCK ALL.
Why do they even know your car is in the garage when you KNOW they’re going to interfere?
Stop sharing this stuff, and politely say, “you know, our finances are personal so it does feel intrusive when you ask so often about them.”

Nsky · 02/02/2022 08:32

Why did you tell them

SilenceOfThePrams · 02/02/2022 08:33

Thanks for your concern, but we’ve got it covered.

Nah you’re alright, we need to do the adulting ourselves now.

Don’t worry, we’ve planned for it and we will be fine.

Stop answering specifics - we have enough/more than enough/plenty. We’ve thought about it/planned for it/sorted our budget thanks. It’s working for us, what shall we have for tea?

toomuchlaundry · 02/02/2022 08:35

Do you ask them about their finances?

I’m afraid I would tell them to back off

Original poster
Rona95 · 02/02/2022 08:36

@Cocomarine

That’s not caring, it’s controlling. My in laws know the same as my own parents - which is FUCK ALL. Why do they even know your car is in the garage when you KNOW they’re going to interfere? Stop sharing this stuff, and politely say, “you know, our finances are personal so it does feel intrusive when you ask so often about them.”
When it broke down I had to get a lift from them, I had no choice in that one 😬
OP posts:
Original poster
Rona95 · 02/02/2022 08:38

@toomuchlaundry

Do you ask them about their finances?

I’m afraid I would tell them to back off

Once I asked them how much they were saving to go on holiday with us, so that we knew roughly how much we should save. They wouldn't tell me 🤷‍♀️

Other than that, I know nothing of their finances.

OP posts:
Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 08:39

This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness. he needs to and so do you. He can do it politely. "Thanks but we've got our finances under control, we'll let you know if we need advice" that sort of thing.

billy1966 · 02/02/2022 08:39

Absolutely nothing about our finances, on both sides of our family.

It has never come up in 30 years.

Are you both very young?

I married in my 20's and my parents never knew my salary or asked.

I find that very bizarre, rude obviously and infantalising of you both.

Stop telling them anything.
Stop seeing so much of them.
Think long and hard about where you live.
Think long and hard about having children whilst you feel like this.

You need to woman up as does your husband.

Tell them nothing.
If they ask, tell them it is nothing for them to worry about.

Kindly OP, both you and your husband have very poor boundaries to be in this situation.

Wanting to pay the garage? Come on!

I would expect them to be an absolute nightmare if you had children.

You would not want them providing childcare for you as it would be more of this, but worse.

Flowers
Tiramysu · 02/02/2022 08:40

Once I asked them how much they were saving to go on holiday with us, so that we knew roughly how much we should save. They wouldn't tell me 🤷‍♀️ then follow their lead. However they declined to tell you is the level I would start with. Then escalate as appropriate

AlDanvers · 02/02/2022 08:40

They keep asking and trying to advise because no one tells them they don't like it. They likey feel its ok and uou like them knowing so they can advise you.

My Dad knows lots of details about my financial situation. As did mum before she died. I welcomed their advice, didn't always take it or agree and they never took the hump because I chose not to take it or disagreed.

However, I don't share finances with anyone. If I shared finances with Dp and he didnt like me sharing with them, I wouldn't.

Santahasjoinedww · 02/02/2022 08:41

Being nosey fuckers isn't a sign they care....

Planetzero · 02/02/2022 08:43

If you really can’t be straight with them, just act vague and say, I don’t know/I’m not sure/I can’t remember. They can’t make you tell them the details about your finances. And it’s not normal btw! My parents have never known what I earn or what I spend.

thevassal · 02/02/2022 08:45

Can you turn it back on them everything? E.g when they ask how much your new job pays say "does that sound OK to you? How much do you get paid MIL?" Or "how much was your final pension FIL?" If they ask how much your new sofa costs say £600, why how much was yours?
If they don't like it or say they'd rather not say, that gives you an in to say "oh actually I've always been told/feel it's really rude to ask those sort of questions too, but I thought because you always ask us it's the norm in your family. If we all don't like it let's agree to stop doing it."

Or just say "ah I'm not sure of the exact amount off the top of my head" every single time. At best they'll get the hint, worse they'll think you're a bit ditsy. You can always add "but it wasn't more than we budgeted for/but it came with our budget," etc if you want to reassure them you can afford it.

Personally I'd just ask "why?" each time they asked (could even add it after the above) to see them flounder for an explanation as to why they need to know your personal information, but I can understand why you might want to keep things polite.

DePfeffoff · 02/02/2022 08:47

Once I asked them how much they were saving to go on holiday with us, so that we knew roughly how much we should save. They wouldn't tell me

So how did they refuse? Use their technique back to them - they can hardly say it's rude.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 02/02/2022 08:48

My adult children share more information with me than we did with our parents, but that is voluntary and often because they want to bounce things off us. I don't ask them about financial stuff , and I absolutely wouldn't dream of asking DiLs or SILs.

I would just say you and DH prefer to keep financial details between yourselves , but assure them they have nothing to worry about.

Parents don't stop being parents because their children are grown up BUT there need to be boundaries. Some parents need more help than others in recognising that!

Sailor2009 · 02/02/2022 08:58

The only thing my in-laws know about our finances is how much our house cost and roughly what our mortgage payments are, and that's because FIL is a nosy sod who looked online to see how much we paid and then worked out our payments. Christ knows why he cares. Any time he asks how much something cost one of us just says "no more than we can afford" it's become our go to answer.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/02/2022 09:04

Stop telling them Confused. They can only know what you tell them and they're hardly likely to pin you down until you do are, they?

Anyway you should pay the garage using a credit card, because it gives you protection if there are any issues with the repair. Also is good for cashflow management and boosting your credit rating, especially if the alternative would be using your overdraft.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 09:09

It's so bizarre that both you and your husband allow his parents to control you like this. Stop being doormats and tell them to mind their own business.

shrodingersvaccine · 02/02/2022 09:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

A580Hojas · 02/02/2022 09:16

Your husband needs to grow up now. You don't need to keep obeying your parents when you are an adult.

AdaColeman · 02/02/2022 09:24

You & DH are grown up now, you only have to tell the In Laws what you want them to know.

Warblerinwinter · 02/02/2022 09:28

I do know roughly what my own DS earn and what their rents are. I did ask and I was nosy! I was reacting it back to my salary when I was working to gauge their career progression - Don’t know why I’m curious but guess it is something like return on investment for all money we used for uni etc. I only do it when they get new job or occasionally when a big promotion. The rent question is more the horror and sympathy of what they have to pay, they do that with each other as well as live in similar part of south east and are comparing areas to live.
BUT no way would I ask their partners. Nor would I ask details of what they spend or save. I do witter on a lot about saving for pensions though🙄😳
Op’s PIL. are going way above this. Maybe they have somewhat of same starting point to me wrt their DS, and then don’t know when to stop. And becuase they’re not getting the mind your own business response think you’re ok with it.
Just say, I know you may be curious, or still worry about DS finance situation but you really do need to let go now and mind your own business and not ours.

Mary46 · 02/02/2022 09:30

Be vague your husband needs stand up to them too. I dont discuss money with my mother some things are private

NYnewstart · 02/02/2022 09:30

@SilenceOfThePrams

Thanks for your concern, but we’ve got it covered.

Nah you’re alright, we need to do the adulting ourselves now.

Don’t worry, we’ve planned for it and we will be fine.

Stop answering specifics - we have enough/more than enough/plenty. We’ve thought about it/planned for it/sorted our budget thanks. It’s working for us, what shall we have for tea?

This