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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws know too much about our finances

93 replies

Rona95 · 02/02/2022 08:27

I'm curious to know how much others share regarding their finances with their in laws? My MIL and FIL both feel that it's appropriate to ask me EVERYTHING about my finances e.g. how much I earn when I started my new job, how much I got when I was promoted, what every little repair in our house/car is going to cost. They even try to dictate how we pay certain things e.g. cash or credit card. They recently tried to insist that we pay for our car repairs with cash rather than credit card, to the point that they were insisting on handing the money to the garage themselves on our behalf, for us to pay them back later (WTF??!!).

This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness.

We're not exactly helping ourselves by not telling them to bugger off and mind their own business, and I know that. It's got to the point that I've pretty much stopped sharing my business with them e.g. I'm starting a new course for my career and it's going to cost a fair amount, I chose not to tell them because they'll ask me about the cost and try to work out my finances for me. I love that they're involved in our lives, and they clearly care for us a lot, but it feels a little overbearing.

I just want to know what the best way to tell them to back off would be?

OP posts:

caringcarer · 02/02/2022 17:39

@positivevibes22, Bil is not broke. He has money but does not like to spend it. I find him very selfish and uncaring of his DM. It has got worse since fil died as well. Before he made a small effort, now no effort at all. I don't have a lot of time for him.

Original poster

Rona95 · 02/02/2022 21:34

@Oblomov22

There's more to this. Dh must have a difficult relationship with them if he's never said anything till them before, about money, or their other controlling ways?

He has said it to them, they just don't care and he's no comfortable having to repeat it because it always ends in an argument.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rona95 · 02/02/2022 21:35

@Toanewstart22

Nope.....🙄🙄

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 21:47

Tell them it's classified.
Or that you could tell them but then would have to kill them.

CleoUK · 02/02/2022 22:19

"Don't worry, we have it covered". " I really appreciate your concern and offer of help,but we are good"
These are my answers to both my parents and PIL. On repeat for PIL as they keep asking.

My DH however believes that is is natural to discuss people's earnings and other financial information. I had to make it really clear early in our relationship that I am not happy for him to share details of mine/shared finances and expect him to respect my wishes even if he doesn't agree.

DePfeffoff · 03/02/2022 08:57

He has said it to them, they just don't care and he's no comfortable having to repeat it because it always ends in an argument

Seriously, if they've refused to give you similar information about their finances before, can't he simply use that? Ideally use the same words and point out that that's what he's done if they make a fuss, or just say something like "Look, you rightly didn't want to give us information about your finances when we asked and we accepted it, this is exactly the same principle"

Askingforfriend · 03/02/2022 09:10

"I don't want to talk about that"

I'd keep saying it until they give up.

peedawg · 03/02/2022 13:40

My wife overshares imo with her parents and it pisses me off, she let on that our pokey little flat , their words, thanks, had a mortgage about 10 times her parents mortgage and now they are obsessed with it and wont shut the fuck up. I think they think she is being taken for a ride and want to look through all the paperwork. ARGH! FUCK OFF!!!!!

peedawg · 03/02/2022 13:43

There cant be 4 people in this marriage. sorry it pisses me off rant probably not over

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 14:01

@peedawg

My wife overshares imo with her parents and it pisses me off, she let on that our pokey little flat

, their words, thanks, had a mortgage about 10 times her parents mortgage and now they are obsessed with it and wont shut the fuck up. I think they think she is being taken for a ride and want to look through all the paperwork. ARGH! FUCK OFF!!!!!

I would go off a partner VERY quickly who couldn't respect my privacy.

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 14:03

So he's afraid of his parents?

An adult?

Good luck with that!

ChubbyMorticia · 03/02/2022 16:13

My MIL once decided to question how much I was earning, so I asked how much her pensions were. She was HIGHLY offended, but never asked about it again.

CrinklyCraggy · 03/02/2022 17:26

My Gran's (b.1899) response to anyone who asked about money was "I always think it's very common to discuss money"

She'd grown up very poor and been in service before her marriage but she had standards!

OakPine · 03/02/2022 17:40

I think the previous advice of asking them "why?" each time is good.

There was someone at my work who kept asking my salary. She was obsessed with money! I told her I was on double what I was. She was absolutely raging! lol made my day

I also think the previous advice of "just because someone asks you something, you don't have to answer" is very good life advice generally!

cptartapp · 03/02/2022 18:23

I'd have the argument.

NYnewstart · 05/02/2022 16:18

Why does it always end in an argument?How do they justify their need to know?

Original poster

Rona95 · 05/02/2022 16:39

@NYnewstart

Why does it always end in an argument?How do they justify their need to know?

It feels as though they don't really respect us as adults, we're basically children to them who guidance from the "adults".

I remember about a year and a half ago I asked MIL if she thought it would be a good idea if I brought FIL to one side and had a chat with him about a disagreement we had, as I felt it would enable us to see eachothers sides. Her response was that he "is old school, and believes children should be seen and not heard", therefore he wouldn't want to hear myself side, even though I wanted to hear his.

So basically, they don't respect us as adults, they see us as children. Even though I'm not their child. I think that mentality comes into play when it comes to our finances.

We're both in our 30s 🙄

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 05/02/2022 16:46

They seem very controlling and want to know everything - but you seem over sharing and over reliant on them. You mention you had to get a lift from them when your car was in the garage - just use public transport or an uber, the more you rely on them, the more they see and hear. Honestly, I'd want to be moving away and distance myself no way would I cope with that and I don't think your situation will improve until you cut ties and go to a different area. Neither of our parents have even know anything about our finances, jobs, courses, why would they need to.

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