In laws know too much about our finances

[Rona95]

I'm curious to know how much others share regarding their finances with their in laws? My MIL and FIL both feel that it's appropriate to ask me EVERYTHING about my finances e.g. how much I earn when I started my new job, how much I got when I was promoted, what every little repair in our house/car is going to cost. They even try to dictate how we pay certain things e.g. cash or credit card. They recently tried to insist that we pay for our car repairs with cash rather than credit card, to the point that they were insisting on handing the money to the garage themselves on our behalf, for us to pay them back later (WTF??!!).

This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness.

We're not exactly helping ourselves by not telling them to bugger off and mind their own business, and I know that. It's got to the point that I've pretty much stopped sharing my business with them e.g. I'm starting a new course for my career and it's going to cost a fair amount, I chose not to tell them because they'll ask me about the cost and try to work out my finances for me. I love that they're involved in our lives, and they clearly care for us a lot, but it feels a little overbearing.

I just want to know what the best way to tell them to back off would be?

You need to woman up
Your DH need to man up

They need to get another hobby.

@shrodingersvaccine

I'd mess with them. How much was the sofa? '5 grand.' How much do I have in my pension? 'Oh I spoke to my pal and they said to put it all in crypto, lost a bit so far but he says it'll definitely go up'. How am I paying for the garage? 'They asked for 500 quid in unmarked notes and a black duffel bag'. Drive them slowly insane by giving answers just mad/contradicting enough that they've no idea what's going on.

This literally made me LOL. Thanks 🤣🤣

Mine go a bit over the top too OP. Difference is that my DH doesn’t see the problem!

If you’re afraid of confrontation just rebuff them politely “oh I’m not sure”, “oh can’t remember off the top of my head but wasn’t above our budget”, “oh we have it covered thanks!”

Then you can eventually get DH to escalate if needed!

My PILS are also like this with DH. At one point, years ago, they asked us why all our money wasn’t in one joint account, then asked to see all our bank statements. DH told them to jog on. SIL and her ex DH had huge hidden debts so I can see why they were concerned but we aren’t like that at all. They have been very generous in the past but I have always been clear that DH should accept any money with no strings attached. My parents have nothing to give me, so I’ve always been very independent and very careful with money. You need to set some boundaries OP and stick to them. Good luck.

They've clearly always done it with your DH and when you got married, he/you should have stopped it.
This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness.
They don't feel uncomfortable causing you awkwardness though.
My DMIL was like this to start with and DH & I had to work hard to stop it. She had done it all his life but I was lucky to clock it early on and it took ages for her to let go.
We stopped mentioning what needed doing or when she offered to do it her way, we declined.
Ypu don't have to say anything, just don't tell them your business and if they offer, nod but do it your way.

Presumably you've not borrowed money from them in the past? That's the only scenario I can think of where they'd be remotely justified in thinking they have a right to wade in on your finances.

My dc once needed to borrow money urgently.
I loaned him the money, he paid it back.
I never, ever ask about his finances.
Not my business.

My mil who I get on very well with has no idea I have 6 btl houses. She thinks I have 1. If she did know I am not sure if she would change her will from everything split equally between her 2 sons my bil and my dh, to leaving most to bil who is unmarried and not in a relationship.

If mil complains about electricity going up I just agree with her things will be tighter etc. I also change topic if she asks specifics, or give vague answers such as we are all doing our best, things will be harder financially for everyone etc.

@SilenceOfThePrams

Thanks for your concern, but we’ve got it covered.

Nah you’re alright, we need to do the adulting ourselves now.

Don’t worry, we’ve planned for it and we will be fine.

Stop answering specifics - we have enough/more than enough/plenty. We’ve thought about it/planned for it/sorted our budget thanks. It’s working for us, what shall we have for tea?

This!

This is what I currently do when my DM & MIL try and give me parenting “advice” for my newborn. A polite, “Thanks but we’ve got it covered” and a change of topic.

You definitely need to put a stop to this , you can't put up with this for the rest of your lives. My fil is the opposite -loves telling us how much money he has !

I’ve never told my in-laws how much I earn, they think I have a little job as I don’t say much, as a consequence, as they are so out of touch, our house which requires 2 wages to run, in their eyes, is paid for by DH hard work, he is a hard worker, as am I and I actually earn more then DH but I do get miffed. If I spend on an extravagance (in their eyes) they look at DH as if he has paid for it, contributed maybe as we are a team, but their attitude does boil my blood. They can’t believe I’ve been employed as long as I have in my little job!

I fear you have put yourselves in this position by telling them pretty much everything. Stop sharing information or if they ask, tell them it’s personal and not their business (or say they don’t need to worry if you feel you need to be polite).

I'm finding it a little hard to imagine a situation in which two adults aren't able to not answer a personal question. How is that even possible?

Surely you say something like I keep my finances private or I don't discuss that subject.

You do realise that you don't have to answer every question that someone asks you don't you?

@Tiramysu

Once I asked them how much they were saving to go on holiday with us, so that we knew roughly how much we should save. They wouldn't tell me 🤷‍♀️ then follow their lead. However they declined to tell you is the level I would start with. Then escalate as appropriate

I agree!

FiL once put pressure on us to spend a large sum of money (£1,000's) on a family event that we couldn't afford. I ended up trying to justify our position, revealing way too much about earnings and outgoings. He then went to my DH and said he didn't believe my figures and I was lying. I've said never again - and constantly remind DH to not tell him anything about our finances.

Why did you ask them how much they were saving for the holiday, so you knew how much to save? You invited them to consider you financial children then. By all means make comments like, “so you know, we’re not budgeting Michelin star restaurants” as you’re holidaying together. But adults set their own budgets.

When they question you, look surprised and say “I was always told it was so gauche and impolite to discuss money”, followed by the good old MN tinkly laugh and change the subject.

I have a partner with the same problem - it's been going on for over a decade now, and he still can't seem to get it in his head that his parents don't have any need to know about his (or my) financial situation AT ALL.

I've lost count of the number times I've said (tbh sometimes shouted) that we don't know their financial business, and as adults in our 50s what right do they have to know ours?

I think they have even more of a nerve because they 'nickel and dime' each other to within an inch of their lives - saying to each other things like 'you owe me a pound for that washing up liquid I bought yesterday'...his father acts like every penny bought into the house is HIS, not joint money. His mother had to retire when she was about 65 due to poor health...first thing his father did was to take her car off her, as a punishment. In 50 years of marriage they've never shared finances, have never had a joint bank account. My partner has been bought up to think this is normal, and has repeatedly said that we will never have a joint bank account ourselves. It's very depressing.

Every time they ask laugh and say we’ll that’s a very personal question and change the subject.

Every single time.

Then if they don’t stop leave.

I have to do this with my parents on diets and weight - they are obsessed. It hasn’t stopped the constant questions and comments but leaving gives me back some control

We're quite open about money. Although its a habit I'm trying to break us of in some ways.

When we were younger and struggling it felt like less of an issue, I'd happily say we'd put something on the credit card or admit money was tight so we couldn't do X or Y. It's a bit different now with some people, since our income has increased.

I think in general openness around money is healthy. Both our families know our situation and I'm happy to answer if asked how much was X or how much do you pay for Y.

I wouldn't be letting them tell me how I should spend my money though.

@Fastforwardtospring

I’ve never told my in-laws how much I earn, they think I have a little job as I don’t say much, as a consequence, as they are so out of touch, our house which requires 2 wages to run, in their eyes, is paid for by DH hard work, he is a hard worker, as am I and I actually earn more then DH but I do get miffed. If I spend on an extravagance (in their eyes) they look at DH as if he has paid for it, contributed maybe as we are a team, but their attitude does boil my blood. They can’t believe I’ve been employed as long as I have in my little job!

Does your husband not correct them?

It’s none of their business who earns more - but I would have a lot of respect for a man who would reply to the raised eyebrow by saying - well it’s her hard earned money she is spending! Or even - don’t assume I am the main earner here - it’s nit 1950.

I hate when men stand back and allow this sexist bullshit

There's more to this. Dh must have a difficult relationship with them if he's never said anything till them before, about money, or their other controlling ways?

@Oblomov22

There's more to this. Dh must have a difficult relationship with them if he's never said anything till them before, about money, or their other controlling ways?

Exactly Perhaps owe them a shed load