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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws know too much about our finances

93 replies

Rona95 · 02/02/2022 08:27

I'm curious to know how much others share regarding their finances with their in laws? My MIL and FIL both feel that it's appropriate to ask me EVERYTHING about my finances e.g. how much I earn when I started my new job, how much I got when I was promoted, what every little repair in our house/car is going to cost. They even try to dictate how we pay certain things e.g. cash or credit card. They recently tried to insist that we pay for our car repairs with cash rather than credit card, to the point that they were insisting on handing the money to the garage themselves on our behalf, for us to pay them back later (WTF??!!).

This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness.

We're not exactly helping ourselves by not telling them to bugger off and mind their own business, and I know that. It's got to the point that I've pretty much stopped sharing my business with them e.g. I'm starting a new course for my career and it's going to cost a fair amount, I chose not to tell them because they'll ask me about the cost and try to work out my finances for me. I love that they're involved in our lives, and they clearly care for us a lot, but it feels a little overbearing.

I just want to know what the best way to tell them to back off would be?

OP posts:

peachgreen · 02/02/2022 11:28

Are you my SIL?! Ultimately this is a DH issue - he needs to tell them to stop prying.

Newestname002 · 02/02/2022 11:52

@Rona95

Once I asked them how much they were saving to go on holiday with us, so that we knew roughly how much we should save. They wouldn't tell me.

That was the perfect opportunity to say something like, "isn't it odd that you won't answer my question about these costs, but you want to know everything about our personal finances? Why is that?

Otherwise just ask "Why?" A every single time they try to intrude into your finances (or anything else) - and keep on saying that. Get your husband on board. 🌹

Dancingsmile · 02/02/2022 12:11

Tbey dont see you as adults and because you answer them they wont ever move on from that. You need a set response that you both only use. Something like..

It's all sorted but thanks.

Just always answer the same. If they keep asking keep responding with the stock answer.

Be polite but don't waver. They'll soon get the

bjrce · 02/02/2022 12:47

Seriously, you are getting all tied up on something that is absolutely none of their business.

Just state:

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Then smile ( & Repeat if necessary!)

BashfulClam · 02/02/2022 13:13

My mum and mil know nothing about our finances. If we buy something they say ‘that’s nice…guess who died?’ They aren’t actually interested in us. They couldn’t tell you where I work or what I do as the only thing my mum talks about is herself and people I don’t know and Mil is the same with the odd ‘are you busy at work?’ ‘No I sit with my feet up playing candy crush’ her response is along the lines of ‘that’s nice, you know Muriel has a new car its a firola..,or something, anyway….’

1cloud · 02/02/2022 13:30

How much did they pay you when you started? Not enough!
How much do you earn? Enough to get by ok
How much did that cost? It was expensive but oh well
How big is your motgage? It could be worse
Whats your credit card balance? It's outstanding

etc etc

Boood · 02/02/2022 13:59

Don’t tell them you don’t know- that’s just encouraging them to be even worse because they think you don’t have your finances under control. The only way is to tell them to mind their own business.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 02/02/2022 14:39

"So how much are they paying you then?/How much did that cost?"

"Enough!/Not too much"

Change subject

GrannytoaUnicorn · 02/02/2022 14:45

@caringcarer

My mil who I get on very well with has no idea I have 6 btl houses. She thinks I have 1. If she did know I am not sure if she would change her will from everything split equally between her 2 sons my bil and my dh, to leaving most to bil who is unmarried and not in a relationship.

Well that's slightly manipulative. Would you still take that stance if one of them was on their arse financially? You're obviously not broke. If I had what you have and I had a sibling who was not as fortunate, I wouldn't be concealing income in order to pocket the same as my broke relative. That's morally fraudulent

GrannytoaUnicorn · 02/02/2022 14:46

@caringcarer You don't sound very caring to me!!

Flossieskeeper · 02/02/2022 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2022 15:10

@Tiramysu

This frustrates the life out of my DH, but he feels uncomfortable telling them to mind their own business, as do I as I don't want to cause any awkwardness. he needs to and so do you. He can do it politely. "Thanks but we've got our finances under control, we'll let you know if we need advice" that sort of thing.

There already is awkwardness. Why should you be the only ones to feel it?

If you want them to know anything, you tell them. If you don't just say that you don't want to discuss it.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 02/02/2022 15:14

Basically they want you to run your finances like they do/did which then validates their choices. That's what the paying cash for repairs was about. I'm sure they'd never dreeeeeam of getting into "debt" over car repairs whereas actually using a credit card properly is beneficial for your credit profile.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/02/2022 15:29

"Why do you need to know?"

Every. Time.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2022 15:34

@caringcarer

Where did you get your username from?

You're not very caring about your BiL.

It maybe that if she knew Mil would still keep it equal but I think it's fraudulent on your part that she doesn't. And your DH can't care too much about his brother.

cptartapp · 02/02/2022 15:36

Why can't your DH speak openly and honestly to his parents and tell them to mind their own business? His own parents?! Feels uncomfortable? Causing awkwardness? Really?
You are their equals, they're not superior to you. This mindset will do you no good as they age and become more demanding.
What a strange dynamic.

caringcarer · 02/02/2022 15:37

@GrannytoaUnicorn, DH pays bills for mil quite often. He went up and helped sort out fil cremation service, caterers, funeral director etc. Bil did nothing. Bil would be not even pick music dispite liking the same music, country, that fil did. Mil goes on holiday with us, bil makes no effort with her.

Bootiesandsocks · 02/02/2022 16:23

My PIL do this and I hate it. Difference is that my DH seems to think it's fine! He will give detailed responses to questions re salary, promotions, bonuses etc. They used to ask me too but I'm not working now which they are utterly baffled by. I had to field a lot of questions about JSA/UC ("the dole" as they call it), when will I get a job etc until DH told them I cannot work atm due to health problems and that they needed to stop enquiring as it was really upsetting.

I used to earn a lot more than DH and I've come to realise it was my main selling point from their POV!

When we got married they wanted to know how much every single thing cost and compared it back to their wedding, 35 years ago, as if we were being extravagant in spending more. My FIL asked me how much my wedding dress cost and I stupidly told him, which I regret, but I find it difficult not to answer direct questions!

They didn't give us anything towards the wedding but did contribute to our house deposit so I think they felt justified somehow in asking. My mum bought my wedding dress as a gift, and it had sweet FA to do with them, which is what I should have said.

I once got in quite a heated argument with my FIL about the price of our bathroom tiles.

I'm pregnant now and they seem mildly appeased- clearly being an incubator for their grandchild serves some purpose.

PeakyBlender · 02/02/2022 16:27

How much do you earn? Not enough.

How much was the car repair? Too much.

People only know too much if you tell them too much.

ShanghaiDiva · 02/02/2022 16:28

My in laws like to give ‘helpful advice’ so we tell them nothing.
They also tell anyone and everyone personal information (found that out the hard way) so discussion topics with them tend to all be very superficial now...

Cosycosynights · 02/02/2022 16:36

My fil is exactly like this and I don't like it. He drives me mad.

We've made the mistake in the past of telling him too much when he asked. He's always offering us very helpful advice, he's obsessed with money, he's very controlling.

Now I've realised that he tells us about everyone else's finances.

You have to politely swerve their questions or tell them to mind their own beeswax.

Bootiesandsocks · 02/02/2022 16:38

@noirchatsdeux

I have a partner with the same problem - it's been going on for over a decade now, and he still can't seem to get it in his head that his parents don't have any need to know about his (or my) financial situation AT ALL.

I've lost count of the number times I've said (tbh sometimes shouted) that we don't know their financial business, and as adults in our 50s what right do they have to know ours?

I think they have even more of a nerve because they 'nickel and dime' each other to within an inch of their lives - saying to each other things like 'you owe me a pound for that washing up liquid I bought yesterday'...his father acts like every penny bought into the house is HIS, not joint money. His mother had to retire when she was about 65 due to poor health...first thing his father did was to take her car off her, as a punishment. In 50 years of marriage they've never shared finances, have never had a joint bank account. My partner has been bought up to think this is normal, and has repeatedly said that we will never have a joint bank account ourselves. It's very depressing.

Your FIL sounds borderline abusive. Taking her car off her as 'punishment'

Teeeefs · 02/02/2022 16:56

We have a similar situation, OP, but it’s my parents who ask about finances. I usually deflect but have made the mistake in the past of letting them know too much. To be fair, I think it originally started as concern and a desire to advise, but then I ended up in a bit of an unusual financial position so I think they got a pleasant kick from seeing how things are going. My dad made a lot of money on the stock market so he often asks me how my shares are going and about value of our properties and I think it’s genuine interest rather than control.

My DH’s parents are the opposite. They’ve never once asked us a single question about finances. Even fairly run of the mill things. When we first moved in together, they didn’t even ask if we had bought or were renting.

billy1966 · 02/02/2022 17:01

@noirchatsdeux

You are with a man who has taken on the beliefs of his abusive father.

Your MIL is undoubtedly being controlled and abused.

What is the appeal for you?
Be very careful.

positivevibesonly22 · 02/02/2022 17:12

I don't understand why people assume @caringcarer's BIL is broke. Being single and not in a relationship could well mean he's better off!

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