To ask if you are a 'housewife' with no children?

[crochetmonkey74]

I know the term housewife is outdated so first off apologies.
I've always wondered about this , I had a great aunt and uncle who never had children but she never worked. I've always been interested in how this would be (been a bit of a fantasy of mine)
Do any of you have this life ? What is it like?

I quite like the idea of coming home to a tidy, organised house with a meal ready for me. I totally get the appeal of a 1950s housewife for a full time worker - it was about team work rather than superiority. As technology improved, housework took less time but in my grandparents era my grandfathers were both really complementary about my grandmothers and the work they did keeping the home run smoothly. That can still work in some families. Sadly, many people are money focused and it regularly seems to become a case of the breadwinner being the superior being. It’s not a life I would want as I’m a terrible housewife but I wouldn’t criticise someone who chose this.

There's no such thing as a house wife. You are married to a person not a house. It's an outdated term to remind women their place is in the home.
A wife or husband or partner who does not work is simply a person who works from home because their job is based in and around the home.

@Waferbiscuit

*Isn't part of being in a relationship being in a partnership? If their set up works for them, then how is it dysfunctional? How do you feel about someone who works full time, and supports a partner who is unable to work? Every one of the points you make would still apply in that scenario*

@XenoBitch - I think there's a big difference between not being able to work and opting not to work. Secondly, "Isn't part of being in a relationship being in a partnership?" is often what women say but I'm not sure it's something men might say as standard! Thirdly, many relationships 'work' for the couple including relationships we'd call dysfunctional or even abusive - but doesn't mean they are 'good' just because it works for them.

@HelloFrostyMorning - 'You must be jealous' is always the easy MN deflect for anyone criticising someone else's life. I'm genuinely not jealous. I watched many relatives live this kind of live and I don't think it's an existence of two equal partners.

The way we live affects others so, for instance, when women choose to facilitate men, or if men feel they need a wife to lead corporate life and there are women who happily lean into that... well that has ripple effects in the way that men see women or the way that corporate life is set up. None of us live in a vacuum.

-

so we shouldn't do things that we want to do, that we enjoy doing, that suit us because of the way others view it?

The way we live affects others so, for instance, when women choose to facilitate men, or if men feel they need a wife to lead corporate life and there are women who happily lean into that... well that has ripple effects in the way that men see women or the way that corporate life is set up. None of us live in a vacuum.

But there are choices again within that.

I intend to demonstrate to my future children that whilst their father is happy in an office/formal environment, I am not. Both legitimate choices, both feasible.

I intend to use my time to train others in my skills, whilst making enough (outside of structured employment) to cover a proportion of the household bills.

I intend to use my time to write my books because they are my one, beautiful creation I will give to the world to leave behind me, and that's important to me.

I intend to pass on the cooking skills, diy skills etc that my parents taught me. And we will have a cleaner also.

The corporate world is toxic and male centric. I have no desire to dance to their tune, and encourage people to be a part of that. My choices don't happen in a vacuum, and I certainly hope that witnessing them will help others follow that path, if it suits them.

Some people on the thread who are unemployed have also been quite disparaging about people who are employed. Comments about wasting lives in meaningless monotonous jobs, working for The Man, cashiers and clerks not making a difference, and even making dismissive (and ill informed) remarks about volunteers who work for free. And all the (protest too much?) labouring of how wonderful their lives are, how much their man loves and appreciates them....
Following some people's logic this would seem to suggest they are jealous of working women.

@Mollymoostoo

There's no such thing as a house wife. You are married to a person not a house. It's an outdated term to remind women their place is in the home. A wife or husband or partner who does not work is simply a person who works from home because their job is based in and around the home.

Interestingly, the word "husband" comes from the Old Norse hús(house) and bóndi(occupier and tiller of the soil). So you don't need to add "house" to the word...it's already in there. "Wife" is Germanic in origin, meaning simply "woman".

This is me currently but I have a health condition that I couldn’t cope with working full time and the commuting. I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, general housework ect. I’m having a operation at the end of the month and aiming to return back to work when I’m well enough as we want to save up for a mortgage, but up until this point it’s worked for us! I do admittedly sometimes feel like I’m loosing brain cells being alone all day.

I have the same situation. Works out well. Hubby loves to cook & has lots of time to make lovely food

[quote XenoBitch]@Treesandsheepeverywhere
Yep, the bitterness is bizarre to me. You are happy, your DH is happy. So why are strangers tying themselves in knots about that? Boggles my mind. It is like getting jealous about lottery winners when you never play it.[/quote]
🤣🤣. So true.

@5128gap Following some people's logic this would seem to suggest they are jealous of working women.

Most people who stay at home can choose to work if they wanted to, but most who work can't choose to stay at home unless they can afford it. Big difference, hence where some of the bitterness comes from.

I'm in this position, by choice.

I had a job and my DH, who runs his own business, struggled with a work/life balance. I chose to quit my job and effectively be employed by him to 'run our household'.

I do the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, but more importantly to him I take on all the emotional workload - I organise birthday presents and special meals for us and our families; I do the household finances; I flag up necessary appointments and tasks (like renewing insurance or booking dental appointments etc); deal with any outside issues (like calling the council or dealing with warranties etc). I also am on hand to help with business stuff if it's necessary (not much, but maybe dropping stuff off/ordering stationery etc.) When I'm not doing any of that, I volunteer, help out in our local community or pursue hobbies etc. For my husband, work is his hobby, so he doesn't feel like he's grinding while I'm living it up.

He basically gets up, goes to work, does his daily stuff and is able to concentrate, and the world just revolves around him without him having to think about it. Then when he's done with work, we're both free to do stuff together or pursue our own interests. He works less now than he did when I was working (ie. he's not working to support me in that way), and even if we were rich he'd still work full time as he loves what he does. We're comfortable but not super well-off, and he contributes to my pension/savings etc so I've still got money if anything happened to him. Our lifestyle is more than supported by his wage, and we're able to live that lifestyle because all the practicalities of life are sorted by my 'job' (for example, we never do chores on weekends so we can do fun things), so we both feel we contribute equally.

I'm never bored, and I feel like I'm positively contributing to the household, and the world at large, just not in a monetary way, which I've never believed is the best indicator of a person's worth anyway.

I'm surprised that so many people on here think that not working at a job means you're not busy; even when on other threads we see all the time women complaining about having to take on the emotional workload of a household without any recompense. I take on that workload, but I'm paid fairly for it. Works for me.

@neondino An awful lot of women without children work and do all those things you do as well. That is why people question how busy you really are.

@5128gap

Some people on the thread who are unemployed have also been quite disparaging about people who are employed. Comments about wasting lives in meaningless monotonous jobs, working for The Man, cashiers and clerks not making a difference, and even making dismissive (and ill informed) remarks about volunteers who work for free. And all the (protest too much?) labouring of how wonderful their lives are, how much their man loves and appreciates them.... Following some people's logic this would seem to suggest they are jealous of working women.

Sorry, but I really think you’re reaching here!

@CounsellorTroi

Why does running a home only count as work if you have children? And some wives don’t work even though their children are at school all day? What’s the difference?

Don’t get me wrong, wouldn’t have been my cup of tea when I was younger (I’m retired now) but if one partner chooses to stay home and support the career of the other that is their business.

Exactly! Some people with children don’t really run their houses and others without can be constantly busy, there’s so many variables, like health and abilities for instance. It’s pretty judgmental to say housewives without children don’t need to run a house. All houses/families are different and require different levels of ‘running’

Just to say, in some ways I get the “work ethic” or “value” argument. I’ve always provided for myself, s9 don’t fit the so called “housewife” element of this discussion.

I have never had a high-flying, senior position role. But it did pay fairly well and I worked stupidly long hours for over 20 years. And then health issues struck.

All I would say is, always take care to not place your self-worth on what your job is/let it define you. Without really realising it, I prided myself on how good I was at what I did. When that went, it was (and still is, to a lesser extent now) a stumbling block navigate around.

What someone upthread said is true. It’s unlikely that you will be on your deathbed thinking “I wish I’d worked harder” and it’s fairly unlikely that your colleagues will be at your bedside when you leave this world.

I think the golden goal for most is to find a balance between work and personal life. For some, they will achieve that with a partner where both decide that one not working brings positives to the free time they can spend together. For others, neither partner could imagine not doing a job they love. In between, there will be a huge mixture of what works (or doesn’t).

There is nothing wrong with having “just a job” or a high-flying career (which often comes with personal sacrifice). And there is also nothing wrong with supporting one partner in a career and, between you, deciding that the other will support everything outside of the office etc.

(a)living off a partner's income/financial gains

It is family money - we both work hard but in different ways so fully contribute to our home and lives.

(b)facilitating a partner and/or

We facilitate each other to have a happy life, we work as a team

(c)being a servant/cleaner for a partner

I am neither serve nor clean for my partner!

So this wouldn't work for me at all

Thats is your choice.

I have worked for many years, and for many years I have not. When I have finished my masters degree I may do something very part time if I feel like it, or I may not. The point is I have the freedom to decide. My dh was not wealthy when we met, we have worked hard to get to where we are and to have choices we have today.

Having the autonomy to make decisions is great, and I have done some amazing things in my life thanks to this option. No one should be scared to stop working because others will judge, if you want to reclaim your life then do so - make sure you are financially independent and have a plan for whatever happens in the future, but if you have that all covered then enjoy your life how you want.

I would add a wealthy friend of mine pays her PA 60,000 a year to do her 'life admin' so it is clearly 'a job' in its own right, and if you are working (paid) and also doing the bulk of life admin (unpaid), you in fact have two jobs not one.

I think its a simplification to say that most people who choose not to work could work if they wanted. They could if they didn't mind what job they did. But sadly fulfilling and enjoyable jobs are not just sitting waiting to be walked into, and it sounds a bit arrogant to say 'we could be doing what you're doing if we could be bothered' when in reality, that may not be the case. It's highly competitive, and the older a woman gets the harder it becomes. If you've spent many years at home you will not have had chance to aquire or maintain the skills desired by many employers. Obviously if you've retired with a strong track record behind you it may be different. And if course, you don't care, because you're happy with your life. Which is great, but its unfair to women who have built up careers, shown skill and talent, and in many cases genuinely love their work, to try to demean them by making out they should be pitied, and that anyone unfortunate enough could be in their shoes

And if we discount the assumption that all women hate working really, which is nonsense, it's no more of a reach to suggest jealousy on one side than the other. People who ate truly positive about work may well look with pity on those who don't get to have their experience and assume jealousy. Particularly when it's screamed at them so aggressively it may appear to be projection. I've been on both sides of this, loved my life either way, and felt their were elements that others may envy in both lifestyles.

@neondino my husband works away more than 50% of the time. We have 3 kids. I do all of the things that you list as things that mean that you're busy.
And I work 34 hours a week.
And do a voluntary role that takes about 5 hours a week.

If I wasn't working, and still doing all the other things I do, I wouldn't feel busy at all!

Agree with @Wiseupkid. I’ve worked in 2 full time jobs. 1 was vastly more stressful than the other and 1/3 longer hours. On average financial compensation was roughly the same (1 had better pension, other had better salary). That doesn’t mean that the easier job wasn’t a job. It was just a less demanding job (the easy job wasn’t necessarily easier than normal jobs - the harder job was just a lot harder than most). Horses for courses.

Most people who stay at home could get some type of job. But sometimes the type of job they would get may not add to the joint family life as much as doing all the household stuff and life admin.

my husband works away more than 50% of the time. We have 3 kids. I do all of the things that you list as things that mean that you're busy.
And I work 34 hours a week.
And do a voluntary role that takes about 5 hours a week.

Posters talk about feeling like the maid if they didn't work. Not to offend this poster but this scenario would and did make me feel more like the family maid than I do now I don't work.

What someone upthread said is true. It’s unlikely that you will be on your deathbed thinking “I wish I’d worked harder” and it’s fairly unlikely that your colleagues will be at your bedside when you leave this world.

I always think this is such a silly argument. I think it's about as likely that someone will think 'I wish I'd gone to the gym more, gone for more lunches in the week and I wish it had always been me who sorted out the insurance so DH didn't have to do it' as it is that they'll think 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office'! But also, for lots and lots of people the achievements of their working life are a huge source of satisfaction and a way of looking back at their life with pride. Look at the obituary section of any paper today, most of the people being celebrated will be being celebrated for their working achievements.

@mizzo not offended! And yes- part of the reason I work is so that I have money to spend on things I like and want (holidays, nice food) but also so it not all about the house & kids.

Oh good God, no! How hideous. I’ve got a big important job and you need me to have it too; I’m a scientist making new drugs. I absolutely love it, trained for years for it and when I am forced to finally retire, I might set up a biotech start-up.

I mean, I have plenty of hobbies and could easily fill my time with skiing, Spartan races, painting, baking etc. but I wouldn’t want to. I’d also never willingly make myself dependent on a man; I buy my own Hermès bags, thanks.

Each to their own and all that, but I’d find it a rather pointless existence.