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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you are a 'housewife' with no children?

999 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 02/02/2022 07:28

I know the term housewife is outdated so first off apologies.
I've always wondered about this , I had a great aunt and uncle who never had children but she never worked. I've always been interested in how this would be (been a bit of a fantasy of mine)
Do any of you have this life ? What is it like?

OP posts:
ShreddedMarmalade · 02/02/2022 11:29

I know a very wealthy married couple. One man works full time in high-paid job. His husband spends his time getting his hair done, baking and rotating their art collection! I'm sure he does other things as well and is very sociable. I am very jealous. Oh, and they live in an amazing city (not UK) with numerous ways to amuse oneself. Sigh. I would have no problem filling my day.

AllThePogs · 02/02/2022 11:30

@HelloFrostyMorning I would never say anything to anyone. It is none of my business. I would just say, oh how lovely.
But yes her life does sound boring. Maybe she was always older than her years so she doesn't seem to have aged? Or maybe she is an exception?
But I would always advise someone thinking of retiring early unless they are ill or a carer, to make sure they have an interest or passion to retire into. Netflix and walks with the dog is not enough for most people to stop them getting old before their time. Unless you don't mind that of course.

poetryandwine · 02/02/2022 11:31

This setup was not uncommon in my DM’s demographic - these women are all well into retirement age now, anyway.

The lifestyle is what you make of it. Julia Child, who followed her DH around Europe and did not publish or begin what we think of as her career until he retired, is one example. (She gave private lessons to well bred ladies in Paris and worked on her books, both collaboratively, before then.) DM’s friends took courses, did amateur art at a high level, travelled with their spouses, etc and above all were/are amongst the legions of volunteers who form the backbone of the third sector.

All of these women appreciate their luck in being able to afford such a lifestyle. I don’t know the details of their family finances but it is not my impression that many of them ‘relied on handouts’. Yes there was/is also a bit of a Ladies Who Lunch vibe amongst Mum’s friends, but so what? They are mostly smart, funny, nice and have made their own contributions, some substantial, to society.

Yes, all have run the home as I agree is fair if one’s partner is bringing in all the dosh.

HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:33

@CounsellorTroi

Couldn’t agree more. I feel the same way as your cousin, I retired shortly before my 58th birthday and I feel energised and revitalised. I’ve never felt so content and happy in my own skin and I can socialise and interact on my own terms with people I want to be with rather than the enforced social interaction that a pp referred to upthread that is meant to be good for you.

Yup this! ^ Congrats on your early retirement counsellor!

It's a wonderful thing to be able to retire early, and the bitter, jealous individuals who just can't STAND it, and spout shit like 'what the hell do you DO all day?' and 'well where do you get your money from then' can sit and squirm in their bile. Grin

It's got FUCK ALL to do with anyone else. But the jealousy is strong from some on here.

halfahousewife · 02/02/2022 11:36

[quote TatianaBis]@halfahousewife

I’d love a wife to cook me a meal at the end of the day!

Excuse my nosiness but if you have a cleaner why aren’t they doing the ironing?[/quote]
My DH uniform needs ironing in a very specific way and our cleaner won’t do it! I actually think they charge extra for ironing too (maybe 50p per item?) but now you’ve mentioned it I’m wondering if she’s said this because she didn’t want to iron it Hmm. The cleaner comes for 2 hours a week though and generally cleans the whole house and once a month she deep cleans the oven too.

You have to iron the creases in a certain direction and if you don’t he’ll have to do a write up at work about it. His job is very military like (but not military), although I’m guessing if you know someone in this profession you can guess what he does!

He tends to do most of his ironing when he’s on his four off but when he’s working I like to have it all prepared for him as I’m at home and his job can be very stressful/traumatic!

HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:37

@Waddlegoose and @ShreddedMarmalade I feel like you. I still work part time from home (24 hours a week,) and can't wait to retire myself. I am retiring at the age 58 in next summer. Smile

Can't wait for all the snarky, catty remarks from all the jealous bitter people still stuck at work Grin

Ooooh your life MUST be boring! Oooh how will you survive financially? Oooh what will you DO all day? LMFAO!

DickMabutt73962 · 02/02/2022 11:39

This is my dream. But a step further.

I don't want to be a stay-at-home mum.

I don’t want to be a stay-at-home wife.

I just want to be a stay-at-home.

All while living the life of luxury, of course.

Socialcarenope · 02/02/2022 11:39

My friend stopped working after she got married. She hated her job and knew when they had kids she wanted to be a SAHM, they didn't TTC for a few years though and she described herself as a housewife. I do think there were MH issues involved with her working though.

It wouldn't be for me, I like working.

HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:40

I have recently sent for a new passport and will be booking a bunch of trips away for next year soon. (With DH, with my DC, and with my cousin and BFF who are already retired.)

Can't wait to have all the time in the world to do what I want WHEN I want and with WHOM I want, without having to take orders from anyone, meet targets and goals, and take all various shit from employers and work colleagues. FREEDOM!!!! Grin

poetryandwine · 02/02/2022 11:41

PS Important caveat: I meant it is fair that if one partner is bringing in all the dosh and the other has no important day to day responsibilities it is only fair that the latter run the home. I hope it is obvious I wasn’t talking about SAHMs, carers, etc or implying that the homemaker should never get a break. I was thinking of DM’s friends who, as a PP said, do the day to day chores and organise the big ones.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2022 11:43

@thepeopleversuswork

Seems bizarre to fantasise about having nothing to do and being totally dependent on a man for handouts, but each to their own. Personally the idea of being a "housewife" without even having children, basically running around after a man, would be my idea of hell.
Well it depends on cash flow and dynamics.

Family money, both have a card, both able to access it freely. Enough to go to the gym, do a hobby, socialise etc. Do most of the housework (but it never gets that messy with two adults) but he tidies after himself, cooks sometimes, generally sees himself as a competent adult who can wash up and vacuum. Sounds idyllic!! In reality it would never have happened as I'd be bored after a few months but as a fantasy it holds up.

DH hands you over a small amount of cash each month and wants to know where its gone and assumes as you don't work he doesn't have to do anything, not so much.

My aunt never got a job once the kids grew up. She entertained my Uncles clients, she walked the dog, saw friends and relatives, did some hobbies. She's very antisocial and that quiet kind of life suited them both.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/02/2022 11:44

I think doing very little can breed listlessness and brain fog and the less you do the smaller your world can become etc

I totally agree with this. I know someone will tip up to say that we all work too hard and should have more time to "think" and "be" and "potter" etc, and that's all good and well. There's definitely a place for building more down time into people's lives and not having work define you.

But I've seen so many people basically atrophy without purpose in their lives and for most of them at the root of it was not knowing what they wanted to do as a job. My mum is a prime example. She gave up a hugely rewarding career to have children, basically never went back to work (this was the early 70s) never really got her mojo back and bitterly regretted it. And her world just shrunk. She didn't really have any hobbies, she lost most of her friends and spent most of her later years desperately searching for purpose. She was desperately bored by housework etc but never had the oomph to direct herself elsewhere.

There are lots of ways to have a rewarding life outside of paid work as plenty of people have pointed out, volunteering being a prime example. But the reality is without some experience of the discipline of paid work and the sense of purpose that having work gives you and the experience of working to deadlines and working alongside other people, its harder. There are probably equivalent ways of getting this discipline: running church events or guiding events or something. But for the vast majority of people the most logical and rewarding way to do this is work.

Working alongside other people teaches you all sorts of things which you carry with you through life.

People who are out of work for long periods of time without much else to do tend to lose a lot of confidence, they lose networks and without a lot of discipline they lose structure. This isn't a foregone conclusion and with discipline you absolutely can instil this in your life. But its much much harder if you haven't worked.

HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:45

@Socialcarenope

My friend stopped working after she got married. She hated her job and knew when they had kids she wanted to be a SAHM, they didn't TTC for a few years though and she described herself as a housewife. I do think there were MH issues involved with her working though.

It wouldn't be for me, I like working.

That's fine, and it's cool that some people are happier working. Many people after 35 to 40 years of working do not want to do it anymore though ...

And people can say it's not for them without spiteful bile being spewed about how early retirement ages people (bullshit,) wanting to know where they will get their money from, and demanding to know what they will do all day.

One woman even told my BFF who retired in early 2020 (at 60,) that she'd better volunteer for charity work now, 'to give something to society....' She just laughed and said 'LOL fuck off! I have worked 45 years, and raised 3 kids at the same time. Like fuck am I doing that!' This is MY time now!'

AllThePogs · 02/02/2022 11:46

Yes, it used to be more common for middle-class women to be housewives. And there was also an epidemic of ennui and depression amongst this demographic. It is why Betty Friedan's book about this demographic was so popular. She wrote from her own experience of being a housewife and was inundated from letters from housewives who felt exactly the same.
Of course some people are quite happy being housewives. Just as some people love living in an isolated island, or in a caravan. But at the time it was clear that most housewives were not happy.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 11:46

@Helenahandkart

I’m a housewife no children by default (infertile) and I’m never bored. My husband’s earning potential far outstrips mine at the moment, so by doing all the housework it frees him up to do overtime, as well as studying for a big qualification, so that we can manage on one income. We’ve always shared all our income 50/50 (in the past I was the higher earner) and I feel like I pull my weight for my share of ‘his’ money. As well as doing all the housework/admin, I do all the DIY and car maintenance. We are currently remodelling large sections of the house so I suppose I’m a housewife/builder, and therefore don’t spend a huge amount of time watching daytime telly and painting my nails. It works really well for us, he loves his job, and I love my own company and not having to be in an office all day.
This sounds amazing and I'm really happy for you.
HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:47

Agree with @KarenTheGammonRemoaner

Your life sounds wonderful @Helenahandkart Smile

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 11:47

@AllThePogs

Yes, it used to be more common for middle-class women to be housewives. And there was also an epidemic of ennui and depression amongst this demographic. It is why Betty Friedan's book about this demographic was so popular. She wrote from her own experience of being a housewife and was inundated from letters from housewives who felt exactly the same. Of course some people are quite happy being housewives. Just as some people love living in an isolated island, or in a caravan. But at the time it was clear that most housewives were not happy.
Is the variable here possibly the fact that now there are more social opportunities for women? I joined theatre and go to bars and have many friends etc. .. this wasn't the case back then and socialising was only done in supermarket aisles.

I think this was the source of feeling depressed rather than the role as householder and mother.

AllThePogs · 02/02/2022 11:48

@HelloFrostyMorning why is it spiteful bile to say that anyone I know who retired early and did not retire into something challenging e.g. study, volunteering, etc, did age? I know a lot of people and it is what I have observed. Until I had seen it happen to so many people I would not have thought this.

Metabigot · 02/02/2022 11:49

@Abigail12345654321

Depends on the house! I’d love to have my partner at home full time. Can absolutely see how it would be a full time job.
My partner is at home full time but only because he can't get a job! I'd much rather he worked and we had the extra money.
HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:49

My cousin loves watching TV and going to the cinema, but goes for lots of walks, meets various friends and family for pub lunches and coffee, looks after her grandchildren now and again, does a lot of gardening, various crafts, darts for the local pub team, and travels a lot. There is plenty of things to do when you don't have to work anymore. Grin

Hangthetowels · 02/02/2022 11:51

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

I know several women in this situation. They are childless by choice, married to high earning men and wouldn’t dream of doing any sort of work. They don’t volunteer, do charity work, fundraising, nothing. They also have cleaners and gardeners. What they do is shop, coffee, lunch, plan holidays, walk the dog. They’ve always got a home improvement project on the go, or are moving house. They seem to fill their time very nicely and have lovely, enviable lives.
This sounds absolutely lovely! I'd LOVE to have endless free days. I'd read, do my music and art, cycle, walk, eat out, plan holidays ...very jealous !
AllThePogs · 02/02/2022 11:52

@KarenTheGammonRemoaner I have never been a housewife., But Betty Friedan talks about a busy social life. It is not true that socialising only happened in supermarket aisles. She talks about a lot of coffee mornings, afternoon drinks, and theatre matinees. Less socialising happened in paid places and more socialising happened at home. But that was the same for those working as well.
Truthfully just reading some of Betty Friedan's descriptions her life sounded lovely. Long lunches around a neighbours house with a group of women, seguing into afternoon cocktails. But she is also clear that this life led to ennui and depression, and that was a common reaction.
It obviously is not for everyone, but it is clear from the reaction from many housewives to her book that many felt the same as her.

godmum56 · 02/02/2022 11:56

@SoftPillow

I know someone younger in this position.

They lost a child she didn't go back to work. He has a v stressful job with lots of travel.

She runs the house, organises all social things, looks after her elderly father who lives nearby, looks after their dogs and does charity work

She seems content, he seems content and it works for them.

This was pretty much what it was like for me at certain times in my life. Childless not by choice, my husband commuted and worked long hours so I took on all the other things that a partnership who live together do.....DIY and gardening, support for older folk on both sides of the family. admin when admin was paper letters and phonecalls, no texts, no internet, and some volunteering. At one stage, we were living between three houses (4 if you count my mother's where we stayed sometimes as it was nearer my husband's job) one was the house we were selling, the other was the house searching and viewing for a new house, and we lived in a rental. I was plenty busy enough! We weren't in one place long enough for me to get a job in my profession and it was better for us as a team for me to put my work into our home situation rather than get a job for the sake of it. It was the same when we moved abroad and moved back home again. DH's job needed him to be working from the get go, they paid bloody well and his job was important (think global environmental safety) so I did all the family stuff and organisation so he could get on with his paid work.
Newschapter · 02/02/2022 11:57

SIL is married to a much older man who seems to be well off.

She has been with him from she left school and she had a part time job for about 6 weeks after they married.

She quit her job to become "chief cook and bottle washer" as she describes it... except they never had children.

She cleans, cooks, bakes cakes and after telling me her husband is very highly sexed I am sure she spends a lot of time on her back too Grin

She has no savings though, she has never worked apart from those weeks after their wedding.

She seems happy enough? But what I notice is that he treats her a bit like a child, she almost asks permission to do things and years ago when we used to go shopping if she saw anything she liked she'd say "I'll have to mention that to George so he can buy me it" which I didn't like. But not my life.

StaplesCorner · 02/02/2022 11:57

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

I know several women in this situation. They are childless by choice, married to high earning men and wouldn’t dream of doing any sort of work. They don’t volunteer, do charity work, fundraising, nothing. They also have cleaners and gardeners. What they do is shop, coffee, lunch, plan holidays, walk the dog. They’ve always got a home improvement project on the go, or are moving house. They seem to fill their time very nicely and have lovely, enviable lives.
Worthwhile revisting this from page 1 as (a) I thought I was the only person to know women like this, and its always confused me why they have constant building work! But also (b) - money - well thats it isn't it, because if money is tight being at home all day might not be such fun, but if you can book holidays, go on trips and lunches etc then its a completely different scenario.