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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you are a 'housewife' with no children?

999 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 02/02/2022 07:28

I know the term housewife is outdated so first off apologies.
I've always wondered about this , I had a great aunt and uncle who never had children but she never worked. I've always been interested in how this would be (been a bit of a fantasy of mine)
Do any of you have this life ? What is it like?

OP posts:
BigWoollyJumpers · 02/02/2022 11:11

just being a mum

Not "just`". Being a mum is probably one of the most important roles in life. It is such a shame that we no longer hold it in the esteem it deserves.

5128gap · 02/02/2022 11:11

I think one partner being at home full time and taking care of all the domestic arrangements has advantages for both. The trouble is, I just wouldn't trust a man not to abuse the arrangement as the instinct to assume control is ingrained in so many of them, and financial independence affords protection. I'd consider it if my partner were a woman though.

TheDogsMother · 02/02/2022 11:13

As a PP pointed out the worry is being so financially dependant on a partner or spouse. What if they lost their job or the relationship broke down ? If you haven't worked for years it would be very difficult to get a job that paid much at all. I have a couple of friends who don't work and it is absolutely none of my business that they choose this route but I do worry what would happen if their relationships ended.

That said if I had financial independence or a lottery win I'd love to live this way. I've been working for far too long and there's a million things I'd like to do with my time.

Flamingpantoufles · 02/02/2022 11:14

Just thought of another person I know who is basically in this position - she didn't work before she had kids and now has two teens. She teaches yoga for an hour or two a week I think. She has a modest life and is very content: she cleans, walks the dog, cooks delicious, healthy food, plans the family's life, learns a second language, keeps in touch with family abroad. She's available to help other people when they need her. When we visit she spends a lot of time planning our time with them to make sure we have a nice time. She's very practical, not into 'shopping' and isn't overly consumed with worrying about her appearance, she has a small circle of friends who she meets up with fairly regularly. She is incredibly organised and in control of things in a way that I envy - and she is totally uncompetitive / doesn't feel the need to prove herself to anyway and does not care at all what other people think about her decision not to work, which I'm quite impressed by. Saying that, her life wouldn't be for me because I'm just wired differently and I think I'd sink into lethargy and spend hours watching Netflix but it doesn't have that impact on her. So, again, each to her/his own.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 11:15

@BigWoollyJumpers

just being a mum

Not "just`". Being a mum is probably one of the most important roles in life. It is such a shame that we no longer hold it in the esteem it deserves.

It certainly is to your child, who is the most important person in your life. Being with my child has brought me the greatest joy. Not once have I gone 'I wish I spent my daughter's first year only seeing her a few hours a day'
KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 11:15

[quote MeSanniesareBrannies]@KarenTheGammonRemoaner Yes. Not to any specific one of your comments, just to all of them. Yes![/quote]
Thank you.

LarissaFeodorovna · 02/02/2022 11:15

I know quite a few people who are or could be in this position, on the basis that one partner (generally the man, but it doesn't have to be) earns so much (top lawyers, bankers, that kind of thing) that they have more than enough to meet their outgoings with plenty left over.

The partners in that situ span the full range. Many (though not all) did take time off to be at home when the kids were small, but once out of the immediate child-rearing stage have found something to do that engages them. Off the top of my head: one has kept her job working as a lecturer in FE; one has started a successful career as a ceramicist; one works pretty much full-time for a charity on a voluntary basis; another has started a business as a micro-bakery; another has a permaculture garden thing going on; several have started up social enterprises or other small local business. A couple have trained as teachers. All have used the freedom from financial obligations doing things that they enjoy and are important to them.

I do also know a few who (viewed from the outside) look as if they might fall into the 'bored housewife' category - lots of beauty treatments and unnecessarily complicated home renovations, that kind of thing - but whatevs, really.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 11:17

@TheDogsMother

As a PP pointed out the worry is being so financially dependant on a partner or spouse. What if they lost their job or the relationship broke down ? If you haven't worked for years it would be very difficult to get a job that paid much at all. I have a couple of friends who don't work and it is absolutely none of my business that they choose this route but I do worry what would happen if their relationships ended.

That said if I had financial independence or a lottery win I'd love to live this way. I've been working for far too long and there's a million things I'd like to do with my time.

This is where marriage comes in. Firstly your spouse should have life insurance and secondly you should be married so that upon break up you get some provision for yourself and your children. If you have no children then the world becomes your oyster and you'll just need to start from scratch.
HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:19

@amprev

Have just read some more of the comments here. It’s laughable to me that people assume that the benefits of being in paid work include being more interesting, sociable etc. What about being in paid work making you knackered and boring?

Having less time to ponder the world and what you can do to contribute to it other than generating wealth? I think boring people will be boring people whether they work or not. It certainly isn’t the case in my experience that people who work are more dynamic, interesting with amazing conversation. Just as it isn’t the case that people who don’t are always amazing homemakers. So many stereotypes on this thread and a lot of bitterness!

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a cousin who took early retirement at 50, (she is now 58.) The amount of snarky, bitchy, catty remarks she got from people (most women usually between 10 years younger and 10 years older) is shocking.

Women who were a bit older than her, who saw a woman several years younger than them retiring before them, made for some really catty, vitriolic remarks. They were SO jealous.

'Well, are you just never going to work again then? Only 50, and you're done?' She said 'I have worked solidly for almost 35 years, yeah I am done. I was offered the opportunity to retire, so I did.'

Then there's the 'well you MUST get bored' brigade. She says 'no, never. I have netflix, my pets, my family, the beach 10 minutes walk away, the forest 20 minutes walk away, my hobbies, my friends, my trips away...'

Then there's the noseyfucker questions like 'how do you manage financially then, and where do you get your money from?'

And then there's the sneery 'I could never retire at 50, I just don't know how ANYone could do that..' type comments... She smiles sweetly and says 'fine love, you don't have to. It suits me though.' Smile

And my cousin has certainly not 'AGED' in the 8 years since she retired, and neither has anyone I know who retired earlier than 'normal.' (Like 50 to 55.) If anything she seems more vibrant, youthful, and full of energy, since the grindstone of 9 to 5 left her life. 'Early retirement ages people' is just part of the usual shit spouted by people who are bitter and jealous that THEY can't retire at 50 to 55.

I don't normally subscribe to this 'oh they must be jealous' line, (when anyone criticizes someone,) but it's so glaringly obvious that some on here - like in real life - are VERY jealous of people who can afford to not work/can afford to retire earlier ... Not all but some.

It's understandable, as many people hate heir job or at least don't like it much, and would be happy if they never had to work again, but the spiteful comments like 'retiring younger ages you' and 'what on earth do you do all day?' and 'where do you get your money from then?' just shows bitterness, jealousy, and resentment.

And it's NOT a good look.

AllThePogs · 02/02/2022 11:20

@KarenTheGammonRemoaner not everyone can get life insurance that is useful. Try being born with a genetic condition. There are so many exclusions to any offered policies that they are worthless.

WimpoleHat · 02/02/2022 11:20

Surely you just fill your time with stuff you want to do

Exactly. Why would you be bored without having someone dictate what you do?

halfahousewife · 02/02/2022 11:21

I’ve NC for this as it’s something I’ve never shared on here but I’m a ‘housewife’ with no children. It’s worth noting that I do have a chronic illness. I can work and do have the ability to work, but when I have a flare up it is a really hard struggle. I am educated to masters level. I am thinking about going to study for my PHD at some point but that will purely be for something to do. Our situation isn’t the same as a typical housewife situation as I don’t rely on him for money because I freelance work. But most of my work comes in for about 4 months of the year and then nothing. I turn a lot of work away because I don’t want to do it or because of my health. I don’t rely on DH for money though. The money I make is my own and I’m lucky enough that we can live like this so my contribution to the thread might be pretty null.

We have a cleaner so I do basic tidying in between but I don’t do much cleaning. But I do all of the washing clothes/ironing though. DP has uniform that needs to be ironed every day so I make sure that’s always ready for him. I don’t do anything with the bins as that’s DH job. He also does the washing up on days he’s home.

Trying to think what I did last week whilst DH was working. I went for brunch with friends twice, and then went to dinner with friends twice as DH works shifts so he wasn’t at home. I went to the gym four times plus one fitness class. I got my nails done and my hair. I took my elderly Grandmother to the hospital. I did the food shopping, went for a walk with a friend, prepared DH lunches and picked him up and dropped him off from work (he works an hour away). I spend a lot of time cooking. Cooking is my hobby. DP works long shifts so on the days he comes home from work in the evening I like us to sit at the table and discuss our days so I serve family style meals. Usually with a starter, maybe with dessert.

DH works four on, four off shifts which alternate between two days and then two nights. We spend his four days off together unless we have any prior plans. He always makes me breakfast in bed when he’s off work. We do stuff probably 3/4 days he’s off and then we might have a chill day.

BigWoollyJumpers · 02/02/2022 11:22

I do worry what would happen if their relationships ended

If they are married they would get half of everything. I would get half of the house, and half of DH's pension. Half of our savings etc etc.

If my DH died, I would be a multi-millionaire because he has very good multiples of private and work life insurance, and various other work benefits.

MrsToothyBitch · 02/02/2022 11:23

I'd love this tbh- but I'd only do it if I had a private/passive income. The few times I've been able to "just be" at home, finance wasn't an issue.

Honestly? I was SO much happier. Housework done early, cooking better because it was less pressured and more time to bake or make fiddly things, admin etc knocked out the way so my evenings were free (and guilt free). Most of all, I looked better rested and better groomed. I have very thick, tricky hair. A decent blow dry can take me an hour- I could find the time for that. I lost weight because I wasn't constantly knackered, hungry, cranky and on the dash. I moved MORE because I had more time to proper incorporate some exercise.

Most of all though, I have dyspraxia and GAD. I got so much more out of life because my routine (necessary) suited me, not my employer and I had more time to accomodate the stuff that I normally "cut first" - exercise & grooming- around obligations & time with DP. My anxiety is lessened drastically without a job to fret about.

My current job is lovely hrs but a dead end so I am leaving for something more rigorous, and the thing I am most dreading is less time for the house & exercise.

ChickenStripper · 02/02/2022 11:23

The question "what do you DO with yourself all day?" 😂😂

BigWoollyJumpers · 02/02/2022 11:25

As a by the by, what are all you full time working mums doing on MN at 11.00am in the morning Wink.

TatianaBis · 02/02/2022 11:25

@halfahousewife

I’d love a wife to cook me a meal at the end of the day!

Excuse my nosiness but if you have a cleaner why aren’t they doing the ironing?

Tilltheend99 · 02/02/2022 11:25

This is an unusual thread but I thought I would point out that pre-1950’s most people, including the middle classes, didn’t have access to things like hoovers or washing machines. For example, there would have been a ‘wash day’ s the process of heating water, washing, drying, and ironing would have literally taken all day.

It’s reasonable to question what a ‘house wife’ might do today with all the advantages of technology but it is unreasonable to sneer at women of the past whose choices were often a lot more limited then ours.

Slums were still being demolished up till 1985 and I can remember visiting people with outside loos in the early 90s.

People would be better off looking to Last of the Summer Wine for the life of the house wife than Madmen!

Tittyfilarious81 · 02/02/2022 11:25

@WonderfulYou

I wonder if those who don’t work have a feeling of self worth/identity?

I feel my job is what gives me purpose and my own identity away from just being a mum.

I lost my job a few years ago and I hated not working - don’t get me wrong if I won the lottery I’d go PT in a heartbeat but it’s not working that’s difficult it’s the cooking, cleaning etc that also needs to be done on top.

Yes I do have self worth and as for my identity I'm absolutely me not just mum and wife but me in all my fabulousness Grin
glittereyelash · 02/02/2022 11:25

I did this for six months. I had a high stress job decided to leave without having another job secured. The first few weeks were enjoyable organising the house and I did some new hobbies but after that it just became dull. At the time all my friends and family worked full time so during the week I was mostly alone. Any time I met up with anyone all they asked was how's the job hunting going and commented on how bored I must be. I then found a job I really loved. I have a child now and work part time and I find it to be a good balance for me.

HelloFrostyMorning · 02/02/2022 11:26

@halfahousewife Flowers

You don't have to explain yourself, I hope you're not in pain today, and you are NOT half a housewife! You are 100% housewife. Smile

SofiaSoFar · 02/02/2022 11:27

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a cousin who took early retirement at 50, (she is now 58.) The amount of snarky, bitchy, catty remarks she got from people (most women usually between 10 years younger and 10 years older) is shocking.

Has she actually 'retired', though?

There's amassing enough wealth to see you through independently and there's just stopping work and sponging your way through instead.

One is surely met with admiration, the other much less positively.

If this person has worked their way to a position of financial independence offering them the ability step back from the world of work then all power to them.

Helenahandkart · 02/02/2022 11:27

I’m a housewife no children by default (infertile) and I’m never bored.
My husband’s earning potential far outstrips mine at the moment, so by doing all the housework it frees him up to do overtime, as well as studying for a big qualification, so that we can manage on one income.
We’ve always shared all our income 50/50 (in the past I was the higher earner) and I feel like I pull my weight for my share of ‘his’ money.
As well as doing all the housework/admin, I do all the DIY and car maintenance. We are currently remodelling large sections of the house so I suppose I’m a housewife/builder, and therefore don’t spend a huge amount of time watching daytime telly and painting my nails.
It works really well for us, he loves his job, and I love my own company and not having to be in an office all day.

CounsellorTroi · 02/02/2022 11:28

And my cousin has certainly not 'AGED' in the 8 years since she retired, and neither has anyone I know who retired earlier than 'normal.' (Like 50 to 55.) If anything she seems more vibrant, youthful, and full of energy, since the grindstone of 9 to 5 left her life. 'Early retirement ages people' is just part of the usual shit spouted by people who are bitter and jealous that THEY can't retire at 50 to 55.

Couldn’t agree more. I feel the same way as your cousin,I retired shortly before my 58th birthday and I feel energised and revitalised. I’ve never felt so content and happy in my own skin and I can socialise and interact on my own terms with people I want to be with rather than the enforced social interaction that a pp referred to upthread that is meant to be good for you.

Waddlegoose · 02/02/2022 11:29

This sound like absolute bliss!

I could quite happily fill my days if I was a SAHM or house wife. Think of the meals you can prep, healthy eating, volunteering locally, reading books….I miss reading.

I could bake a few times a week too, I love baking. Fresh bread and cakes. Not to mention I could go to the gym during the day when I’m not shattered.

I day dream about this too 😂