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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive kids to see dad?

91 replies

Mummsnett · 01/02/2022 10:27

I split with my partner of 8 years in October, we have 2 young kids, and they have remained with me in family home, which is in my name. He has moved two hours away with his sister, in the town where he also works.
I couldn't take anymore of being the facilitator and organiser of my partner as well as our kids, and feeling like he didn't do the same for me. The relationship was fine, but I felt lonely and the entire emotional, physical and logistical burden of family life fell to me. I'm much happier without him, as I feel like I can concentrate on myself and our kids without also having to look after him. That being said, I don't and have never claimed to want to parent our kids alone.

He has always had a "me first" perspective on life, and that was one of my biggest bug bears. Regardless of situation, he thinks of himself first, and others (including his kids) second.

Initially on breaking up he was sad, hopeful and angry, then reached acceptance and we managed to organise that he would come over during the week for a couple of nights, working from my home, to help with school pickups, dinners, bedtime routine etc. And then also weekends. During this time he slept in with the kids which they loved. Him being here was awkward for us both, but in a respectful way. It was short term until he gets the keys to his place which is ten minutes drive from here at the end of the month.

At the weekend however he suddenly cycled back to a place of anger and announced he won't be coming over either during the week or at weekends. Instead, he has told me I can drive to meet him halfway to his sisters an hour away to drop them off and pick them up again on the weekends.

On mulling this over I think it's unreasonable. I'm being left to look after the kids, deal with all logistics, meal times, bedtimes etc as well as working FT myself, and then I now have to drive two hours each way because he's not comfortable coming here anymore. I feel like he can decide he needs space but no consideration is given to me, I'm just expected to pick up the slack. I know I instigated the break up, but it's hard for both of us.

Help!
Am I being unreasonable saying to him that I won't drive the kids to meet him, and instead he can come here?
It's only for another month so I don't know if it's worth rocking the boat, or if I'm being a pushover.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 01/02/2022 10:30

The courts view is generally that the parent who moved should do the travelling.

YellowLemonz · 01/02/2022 10:31

I would do it for the kids if it's only for a month.

Original poster
Mummsnett · 01/02/2022 10:33

We're not married, but that's good to know. Thanks!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/02/2022 10:33

He moved, he does the travelling.

Brainwave89 · 01/02/2022 10:35

Hi OP. He is clearly feeling quite hurt at the end of the relationship. Be calm and explain to him that you have not moved and will not be travelling an hour to drop the kids off (so each visit would be 4 hours there back, there and back again). If he is moving closer anyway then this should be a short term issue. However, be clear in this new set up, he has to take accountability for his own actions.

GabriellaMontez · 01/02/2022 10:40

Yanbu. It sounds like you do more than your fair share. Let him put the kids first for once. And set out how you mean to go on. Ie where you are not responsible for making things happen.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/02/2022 10:41

I think he should do it.

However if it's only for a month and for the sake of a good relationship I'd try and grit my teeth and compromise and meet half way or something.

Would the best thing be that he didnt see his kids for a few weeks or that they have long drives?

As an alternative could you suggest you make yourself scarce for the whole day one weekend so he can see them in your home without you there if your presence is making him feel awkward

BuanoKubiamVej · 01/02/2022 10:43

The principle of "he moved so he does the driving" isn't really fair here though. He didn't initiate the split and clearly doesn't particularly want to be living with his sister 2 hours away. This is a stop-gap while he sorts out a new place which OP says is 10 minutes away but he can't start there till end Feb. So under these circumstances I think it's fair enough for the travelling to be split evenly. It's only temporary. But I would suggest that rather than you both meeting half way twice, he picks up from your place then you pick up from his at the end of the visit, so you each only have to get the car out once rather than 2 shorter journeys (that's more efficient for fuel too).

The idea of him coming and living back in the family home for regular visits was unworkable and shouldn't have been started really - you both need proper closure and separate lives, not this half-in, half-out mixture.

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 10:44

It’s only one month, tbh he shouldn’t really be sleeping over in your house anyway so makes sense he wants to stop that

SeptemberAlexandra · 01/02/2022 10:44

For the sake of a month I would do it. You’ve already said that he won’t put your children first so you are going to have to. If you both act stubborn it will be children who ultimately lose out.

Branleuse · 01/02/2022 10:46

Id maybe do it once

Glitterygreen · 01/02/2022 10:48

I think it's fair to meet halfway? This is what my DP and his ex do.

Realistically it's not sustainable for him to always come to your home to see the children, it will just end up causing tension between you and him to spend so much time around each other. Better that the kids go to him at his sister's.

The driving is a pain but if you meet halfway it means your children will get back earlier. If they have to wait for him to get all the way to you (presumably after work) and then take them all the way back to his sister's that is likely to turn into a late night for them.

SolasAnla · 01/02/2022 10:49

This is a little of start as you mean to go on. Plus it depends on his personality and your future expectation of his behavours towards you and the children.

If he is 10 min away next month, and this is him having a hissy anger fit, I would not be willing to set myself up into a situation of where he is dictating how to organise his visitation.
If your past history was that you had to do the majority of the organisation while he was in the house and you don't want to have the same dynamic as a seprated co-parent don't do the drop off or collections for his visitation at his sister's.
If you do this longterm why would he move nearer to you and further from his job?
Begin from a refusal and see how it develops.

As an aside make sure you closed all and any joint bank accounts, changed passwords to unfamiliar choices and transferred all household bills to your sole name.

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/02/2022 10:49

It's not up to you to facilitate his life any more. If he can't be bothered to step up for the small fraction of parenting time that is his responsibility, then that's his bad.

Ozanj · 01/02/2022 10:52

Tell him to take it to court and block him. For everyone’s sake court mandated access might be best

GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/02/2022 11:03

@AmandaHoldensLips

It's not up to you to facilitate his life any more. If he can't be bothered to step up for the small fraction of parenting time that is his responsibility, then that's his bad.
Agreed.

He's not being asked to go to war here.
Just to parent his own kids.

HeddaGarbled · 01/02/2022 11:11

*The principle of "he moved so he does the driving" isn't really fair here though. He didn't initiate the split and clearly doesn't particularly want to be living with his sister 2 hours away. This is a stop-gap while he sorts out a new place which OP says is 10 minutes away but he can't start there till end Feb. So under these circumstances I think it's fair enough for the travelling to be split evenly. It's only temporary. But I would suggest that rather than you both meeting half way twice, he picks up from your place then you pick up from his at the end of the visit, so you each only have to get the car out once rather than 2 shorter journeys (that's more efficient for fuel too).

The idea of him coming and living back in the family home for regular visits was unworkable and shouldn't have been started really - you both need proper closure and separate lives, not this half-in, half-out mixture*

I agree with every word of this post from @BuanoKubiamVej

sueelleker · 01/02/2022 11:13

He's the one who decided to move; travel is therefore up to him.

Thelnebriati · 01/02/2022 11:16

So you couldn't take having to facilitate or organise him any more, that caused the split, he feels hurt, and then he demands you facilitate and organise him seeing his kids?
He really isn't getting it, is he.

SpilltheTea · 01/02/2022 11:28

It's not your job to facilitate him. Why should you and your children be disrupted when he could just suck it up for a month? It's only temporary for him too.

Shitfuckcommaetc · 01/02/2022 11:39

@sueelleker

He's the one who decided to move; travel is therefore up to him.
I think "decided" isn't quite right here. Its a stop gap for a few weeks because basically he's homeless until then?

Tbh I'd just meet halfway, it's only for a few weeks

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/02/2022 11:41

Does he want to see his kids or jus have a pop at you?

Ask him.

Holskey · 01/02/2022 11:52

I think you're being unfair. The burden of facilitating shared-parenting shouldn't just be his alone.

He's obviously hurt and therefore shouldn't be staying at your home with you. Given he has actually arranged accommodation nearby, presumably for the sake of the kids, and is only so far away because he is staying with family in the meantime, I think splitting the travel is the only decent thing to do.

You can't break up with him, then expect him to stay with you, and consider him selfish for not wanting to do so. You should both facilitate the shared-parenting and split the driving.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 01/02/2022 11:58

You say the house is yours, so I assume he's only moved to his sister's to save money to enable him to get his own place?

If that's right, then YABU. You ended the relationship (which is fair enough) but you can't expect the person without accommodation to be instantly independent.

If my partner asked me to leave hypothetically, I'd be screwed. I'd also need to move in with family temporarily which could well be a distance away.

You made the choice to end it, you have the house (which presumably he contributed towards over the 8 years), so I think the fair thing to do is for you to help facilitate the contact for the next month.

Original poster
Mummsnett · 01/02/2022 12:07

Thank you all for your replies. They're very mixed, which reflects how I go back and forth in my thinking on this too.

He's not being deliberately mean and I won't be involving the courts. I recognise that he is having a difficult time adjusting to this new normal and this pattern of behaviour of him doing his own thing and relying on me to pick up the pieces is well established in our relationship.

So my problem is whether to disrupt it for what is a short term scenario, and potentially cause long term damage to our co parenting relationship, or do I just go with the flow and suck it up. Should I start this new part of our relationship with a shred of self respect and draw a line in the sand in how much I will/won't do?!

I'm leaning towards its easier to go with the flow and drive the distance for the next month, purely to keep the peace and because I'm thinking of our kids and how important it is for them to see him and to see us having a good relationship etc. If he's going to be uncomfortable in my home I don't want that negativity. But then I don't want this to continue with the kids growing up seeing one parent (the mother) being a pushover... Eurgh, it's so complex.

OP posts: